I am struggling
here is the the why, my thoughts and how i am doing chost
I am doing Poorly, I fight ever pervasive thoughts of killing and harming myself everyday I take my medication everyday but the effects are negligible
Here are the whys: a) The fallout with friends surrounding the whole situation meeting a famous streamer/youtuber when I was in new york. There are those who are jealous that I was willing to date and hook up with a person I had never met before over them and those that felt I used them to get there. And those who were concerned that I was about to throw my life away. Everything about the situations and stress I was subjected to between all these people has shattered a lot of trust and my self image.
b) my ongoing financial debt situation is horrifying to me and deeply personal, the details I told to those I trust and who I believe deserve to know personal details. This trust was also breached and the details of my personal situation are floating around where they shouldn't be and that is demeaning. My personal problems are not a circus act for people to gossip about and share amongst themselves.
c) ongoing stress from previous communities I was a part of, they know me and they talk about me. I sincerely would like to be left alone if I don't know you and don't engage with you. I am just a girl please stop talking about me and spreading my personal news and information like the latest gossip when I can't defend myself.
d) my mental and financial situation is not an excuse for people to talk and look down on me. People who know my problems are doing this to me and it will not foster any long term good. It just makes me feel more incapable of taking care of myself.
As of the future: I am going back to new york and will be going to magfest, I want to spend time with the person who felt I wronged them because that is valid and I am not the person who leaves that in the air when I am able to do something about it. I also believe friends do want me at magfest because it is a better experience to talk and spend time together in person. It also would be nice if I could see the streamer I met in new york again. But I must be honest with my thoughts here, a part of me wonders if I will make it to magfest from new york or will I decide to die there. I can't promise I will come back, and for that I'm sorry.
I believe the immediate answer for my health is to unplug from twitter and discord but I don't feel safe alone with my thoughts. I will not be able to afford therapy until I pay more of my debt and that may be another year. That is where I'm at right now and I'm sorry. I don't really want to talk about the contents of this post with anyone, please don't message me about anything in here. It is simply the way it is. and I have to accept that. Keep moving forward