What if all the lolcows were RPG characters?

[Penis Drager 2.0]

What would be their class/archetype?
Special abilities?
What ultimate weapon could you unlock for them?

 

[Skitarii]

Race: nigger
Class: thief

 

[Travis Touchdown (REAL)]

King Cobes
Class: Archwizard
Ability: Sloshed
When King Cobes is in combat, he has a permanent 50% hit rate
+10 charisma when interacting with witches
Can create chi balls at will
Lead belly: can eat or drink anything without suffering adverse effects
Ultimate weapon: Archwizard's staff
Allows King Cobes cast the forbidden spell: surströmming
And a legendary mount: Puff the Dragon

 

[Cat tit bingo]

Anisa's husband
Class: cuck/raped.
Any damage sustained increases the health and pp of the character Anisa's husband's wife.
When any item containing gluten or alcohol is used on him he takes 10% damage but gains a toxic effect that slowly damages nearby enemies.
Ultimate move betrayal, Anisa's husband when in the same field as Anisa's husband wife can attack a friendly character for a 1% chance of raising a single power point, and a 99% of raising the power of the attacked character

 

[Agent Abe Caprine]

Lolcow Shin Megami Tensei would be cool.

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

I certainly wouldn't be using my Phoenix Downs to revive them! Haha!

 

[Farsided]

DSP stats would be wild. It's all zeroes except for an infinity symbol in the Luck category

 

[We Are The Witches]

Name: DarksydePhil
Class: beggar.
Ability: spends 10 mana to ensure a rare-drop from enemies.
Attack: hatchet swing; low accuracy, spends too much stamina, but has high critical chance.
Ultimate abilities:
- Hell yeah, brother!: summons Hulk-Hogan to perform a Lariat on everyone around.
- Gacha fever: for the next minutes, kills give x5 coins.
- Magical bankruptcy: for the next minutes, mana and stamina depletion does not happen, and both get refilled.

 

[Jack Noir]

Cyraxx as a goblin bard.