Containment What If?

Chris would finally have a good excuse for falling asleep in class?
 
Chris calls the Make-A-Wish Foundation and rattles off a list of ridiculous demands because he thinks that dying entitles you to anything you want from an organization that's dedicated to making the lives of terminally ill children just a shade less shitty.
 
somejerk said:
Chris calls the Make-A-Wish Foundation and rattles off a list of ridiculous demands because he thinks that dying entitles you to anything you want from an organization that's dedicated to making the lives of terminally ill children just a shade less shitty.
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"Hello, this is the Make-a-Wish Foundation of Virginia, how may I help you?"
"Mmmm, yeah, is this da place tha--where you get wishes if you're dying?"
"Uh, well we do our best to grant the wishes of children who are facing life-threatening or chronic conditions. Is there a child you'd like to refer?"
"I AM CHRISTIAN WESTON CHANDLER, OF RUCKERSVILLE, VIRGINIA, THE ORIGINAL CREATOR OF THE ELECTRIC HEDGEHOG POKEMON, SONICHU AND ROSECHU, AND THE CITY OF CWCVILLE."
"I . . . see . . . and what condition does the child have?"
"Da stress . . . da stress from the trolls--the online cyberbullies--and I'm--I'm-I'm gonna die in less than a month unless I find a sweetheart--"
"Sir, are you trying to refer YOURSELF to the Make-a-Wish Foundation? Because we really specialize in children and young adults--"
"I need a SWEETHEART to take away my HEART ACHES AND PAINS."
"Sir, if you're concerned about the safety of yourself or another person, I can connect you to emergency services . . ."
"No! No jerkops ALLOWED!"
"Sir . . . I'm going to have to disconnect this call now."
*Sighing into dial tone* "And once again, America plays its favorite game, KICK DA AUTISTIC."
 
He'd get kicked out for making exclamations like you would hear from a boisterous Afro-American woman in church.

"TIME TO BURN ALL THE HOMOS, OH LAWDY LAWDY! GREAT GOD A'MIGHTY!"
 
Chris wouldn't last a day discussing various philosphies, let alone take a whole class on them.
1) He's close minded. Philosophy is about opening your mind to new idea that some times you don't agree with. Bring up a little Confuciusiam about the relationships between freind and friend and BAM "Confucius is a TROLL, I deserve pity and they don't, therefore he's wrong and I don't have to listen to what he had to say"
2) Philosophy isn't contrast, Chris is. I could write a book here about metaphysics, but I'll spare you. Due to his autism everything is objective. Chris uses numbers to describe his emotions, like the 'Scale of Respect' and :heart-empty: One would find it difficult to make a 'Scale of Reality'
3) Chris isn't a deep thinker. Look at the writing in Sonichu, you can't get more basic than that. There is a clearly defined good and evil. For the exception of Blake, the characters never go through an internal struggle, and even his case is a bit weak. Now if Bubbles opened her eyes and saw the tyranny that is CWC and betrayed the Chaotic Combo to form a Chu Resistance (Chusistance?) we could discuss who is in the right and who is in the wrong. We can't debate Mary Lee Walsh's hidden intentions, they're arnt any.
4) Chris would :briefs: at the thought of CWCville being as real as the would we live in because it CAN'T be disproven and the class would be let out early due to the smell.
 
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I want to hear Chris's thoughts on Nietzsche, which would be truly lulzy. Even normal people have difficulty understanding him, Chris would completely miss the point, and he'd claim he's an ubermensch.
 
Picklepower said:
Pikonic said:
scorptatious said:
I would be kinda sad. As much of an idiot and nutjob he is, I can't help but see a little bit of myself in Chris, and I can easily see myself in his position.

I'd imagine is Barb is still alive if that happened, she would pretty much lose the will to live.
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It'd be the worst for Barb. She'd spiral into insanity faster than she is now. She would have lost both sons, since Coleslaw wants nothing to do with her.
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She would keep his corpse until it starts to rot, just imagine, "Gud morning Chrisshun, you have good dreamy dreams?" then she spoons with the corpse, of the recently deceased tomgirl. At the same time probably singing.
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Thanks for that image, do you want everyone on the site to wake up screaming with fear induced dirty crapped briefs tonight?
 
Well, he would turn out just like Barb. Fat and no sign of much movement. Though he would be in a home most likely, seeing as he wouldn't be able to take care of himself.
 
Hmmmmm..... this is a very good question.


We would have less to make fun of Chris with, seeing as how he has his autism cured, he might actually have a chance to find a heartsweet.
 
He'd be a shut-in and only have contact with meals on wheels volunteers and the Red Cross volunteers who drive him to his doctor's appointments.

And although he'd be 70 in 2052, he'd be attracted to girls who were born between 2025 and 2030, which means women who aren't even born yet would be targets in his love quest.
 
hurpdurpmanguy said:
What will it's music genre be?
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Gah Music.
Which isn't some obscure genre known only to Pitchfork-reading hipster douchebags.
It will be music so awful that your immediate, instinctive, visceral reaction to hearing the first 1 second of it will be to recoil and yelp "Gah!" like a spider just crawled up your urethra.

hurpdurpmanguy said:
Who will be members of the band? (willing or unwilling)
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Chris and 3 cardboard cuts of his world famous electric hedgehog pokeymans....and the cardboard pokeymans will not be their willingly.

hurpdurpmanguy said:
How popular will it be?
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Like "Happy Noodle Boy" it will have a tiny cult following among the Homeless Insane; but even fans of Taco the Wonder Dog will find Chris's music to lack something.*

hurpdurpmanguy said:
Most importantly, how much of Chris's Rock Band skills pay off?
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I wouldn;t be amazed if he "played" his plastic Gitar of Fail as a lead instrument. So the only sounds coming from the stage will be Chris's wheedling, nasal, screechy, inarticulate bellowing.....and the clack clack clack clack clack of navy-encrusted Gitar buttons.
Even fans of ultra-low drop-d cookie-monster-vocal death metal will find his vocals to be excruciatingly awful.
Even fans of ultra-minimalist kitsch will find his Gitar "playing" to be inept, unfunny and pointless.

His debut album will be a triple CD prog-rock kosmische epic....in his head.
On tape, it'll sound like a flamingly gay wooly mammoth being pinched to death with spring-loaded plastic salad tongs.


*something called "Everything"
 
pickleniggo said:
continuing his sweetheart search (ladies 50+ years old).
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If I know Chris than when he's a senior seinor the minimal age for becoming his sweetheart will be much lower than 50. It's often claimed that at old age people begin to lose their sense of shame; if that's the case I wouldn't be surprised if the minimal age to become the sweetheart of seinor Chris will be as low as the age of consent in the jurisdiction in which he'll live (probably still Virginia). The minimal age in the most recent sweetheart criteria (the one posted on the day Bob died) was 21, I don't think Chris will ever go higher than that.
 
Alan Pardew said:
They will divorce in weeks.
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No way. They're both so fucked in the head they'd get simultaneously clingy and fear rejection.
LordCustos3 said:
The marriage will last until the first Laundry Day.
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Is Anna messy as well?
 
DIRTY, CRAPPED HONEYMOON

Anna, or a woman like her, really is Chris's best bet in finding a sweetheart. They'd have to be completely blind to all of Chris's faults to have any sort of relationship with him.

That said, Anna doesn't want an lolcow husband. If she did take leave of her senses and marry Chris, she'd either realize very quickly what a horrible mistake she made or she'd deny his faults.

Heaven help any kids that were born to them.
 
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