Containment What If?

[Chikinballs]

Here's a "what if" I've been tossing around in my head. I can't remember if someone asked this or not already. I think someone has, but I'll do this anyway:

What if Chris was really molested years ago while he was in elementary school? I know he thinks he was molested, but what if he actually was? Would this make some of his actions more understandable? Less understandable? It'd kind of explain Chris's attempts to become more female via Tomgirl-isms.

the principal?

 

[deeman]

What if Chris was dating He-Man?

 

[Andrew Noel Schaefer]

I always thought of Chris more being the Caligula type. I mean, we've all seen the extent of his paranoia and temper. That's not to mention how he goes power mad in the Sonichu comics and starts ruling CWCville with an iron fist. We all remember what happened to the Asperpedia Four . Mind you though, that's just fiction.

Hmm...I reckon Chris would be more a Claudius type

Its been a while since I really looked into my roman emporors, but...

Caligula would be more like Rika/Lisa/whatever he is calling xirself. That is to say utterly crazy. Massivly unpopular. Argued with everyone. And thoose are some of the nicer things about him. As for the executions of the Asperchu Four, that is fiction (I do think Chris knows whats real and isnt, just *really* wishes what was fiction was real and tells himself that whats fictional may be real, in like anouther universe or something. But thats anouther topic)

I actually dont know much about Claudius besides that he legalized Christianity on his deathbed, but as for Nero you have that he views himself as an artist as well as an oepedial complex. I was joking when I compared Chris to Nero, but the similarities are still striking. To me, Nero wasnt downright insane like Caligula... just a big baby. And Chris is a big baby.

OH MY GOD CHRIS IS NERO

 

[Chikinballs]

what if he got in his first fight, and by some freak occurance whooped the guys ass...like right as chris threw a bitch slap, the guy had an unrelated stroke and dropped like a stone.

 

[exball]

what if he got in his first fight, and by some freak occurance whooped the guys ass...like right as chris threw a bitch slap, the guy had an unrelated stroke and dropped like a stone.

He'd pick another fight and die.

 

[CatParty]

He'd pick another fight and die.

He'd pick another fight, chit himself, and die

 

[Fishkill]

What if I was chris? Discuss

 

[Le Bateleur]

Cliffs on Claudius:

Considered 'special' by his family; avoided by many of them.
Given a and allowed to spend most of his life pursuing his hobbies and interests.
Trolled by Caligula for the entertainment of Caligula's friends
Once emperor, well known for issuing numerous laws, including ones based on his own personal opinions.
Well-documented digestive problems; one of his laws promoted the health benefits of publically farting rather than holding it in.
Heart level repeatedly shattered by sweethearts - one died on their wedding day (possibly poisoned by his mother), a later wife, Messalina, cheated on him to an epic extent. She supposedly defeated a famous Roman prostitute in a most-guys-in-one-night contest.

 

[IwegalBadnik]

What if I was chris? Discuss

You'd be swimming in the cash and women you attracted with your marvelous tales of your original characters, Sonichu and Rosechu.

 

[Marvin]

He'd pick another fight and die.

Definitely this. Chris wouldn't think "whew, I just dodged a bullet dere!", he'd think "oh my god, I can beat dudes up! I gotta use my newfound powers to steal girlfriends from jerks..."

And then get his ass beat. And I would laugh.

 

[Randall Fragg]

Hmm...I reckon Chris would be more a Claudius type

The whole tomgirl saga is more along the lines of Elagabalus. Of course he was a homo, so Chris would have to come out of the closet...

 

[IwegalBadnik]

What if the Greene County school board paid Keurig to sell Chris the coffee machine so he could burn 14 BLC down, forcing the Chandlers to have to move out of the house so Chris would have to live in another town, away from all his friends in Ruckersville, because they were afraid of people with autism?

 

[Chikinballs]

what if he went to a comedy show and got called out by the comedian?

 

[Mogambo]

Well, its also possible Chris could have been one of the later, less famous emperors. Ever heard of Elagabalus? Though he only ruled for a couple of years, he was probably the worst emperor Rome ever hard, exceeding even Caligula. Aside from executing anyone who disagreed with him, Elagabalus wasted money on parades and banquets (occasionally killing his guests), played jokes (which ranged from whoopee cushions to hiding lions in his guests' rooms to flinging dead dogs and boxes full of bees into crowds), and showered gifts onto his male lovers. Not only did he various dress as a woman or various gods, but he also prostituted himself out, and allegedly offered rewards to anyone who could give him female genitalia, even considering castrating himself. He also installed the worship of the Syrian God Elagabal, his patron deity, which deeply offended Roman sensitivities.

I actually dont know much about Claudius besides that he legalized Christianity on his deathbed

I suspect you are confusing Claudius with Constantine. Christianity wasn't a big religion under Claudius, least of all in Rome. The only real connection I can think of was Claudius expelling the Jews (and remember, most Christians at this point were still ethnic Jews) from Rome.

Constantine is the one who legalized the faith in 313 and converted on his deathbed. Later, the emperor Theodosius made Christianity the state faith of the Roman Empire in 380, aggressively persecuting all other faiths, including the Jews, pagans and even other early strands of Christianity (the Arians for example; ironically the Vandals would return the favour when they seized North Africa, killing the worst offenders but otherwise largely leaving people free to practice their religion). Of course I also feel obligated to point out that the Eastern Roman Empire was very different than what most people think of when they think of Rome; aside from some obvious differences (Christian, Greek speaking, moving the capital to Constantinople) they also lasted a lot longer.

Trolled by Caligula for the entertainment of Caligula's friends

And at this point I think its worth remembering that the entire Julio-Claudian dynasty was one great big dysfunctional family. Much like the Chandlers.

a later wife, Messalina, cheated on him to an epic extent. She supposedly defeated a famous Roman prostitute in a most-guys-in-one-night contest.

Messalina... was certainly one of the more interesting women of antiquity. If Tacitus, Suetonius and Pliny the Elder are to be believed, she was the most wanton, carnal creature to have ever existed. She not only cheated on Claudius, but worked her way through the entire Praetorian guard, slept with the most attractive men in Rome, and then the ugliest because she had nothing better to do. She would go about at night as a common prostitute, working the brothels under the name "Lupa" ("She-Wolf," which was also a colloquialism for prostitutes). Ultimately, she married one of her lovers (Gaius Silius) which even Claudius couldn't ignore, so he had her executed.

Here's what Juvenal had to say about her, which petty much sums everything up:

Are you worried by Eppia’s tricks, of a non-Imperial kind?
Take a look at the rivals of the gods; hear how Claudius
Suffered. When his wife, Messalina, knew he was asleep,
She would go about with no more than a maid for escort.
The Empress dared, at night, to wear the hood of a whore,
And she preferred a mat to her bed in the Palatine Palace.
Dressed in that way, with a blonde wig hiding her natural
Hair, she’d enter a brothel that stank of old soiled sheets,
And make an empty cubicle, her own; then sell herself,
Her nipples gilded, naked, taking She-Wolf for a name,
Displaying the belly you came from, noble Britannicus,
She’d flatter her clients on entry, and take their money.
Then lie there obligingly, delighting in every stroke.
Later on, when the pimp dismissed his girls, she’d leave
Reluctantly, waiting to quit her cubicle there, till the last
Possible time, her taut sex still burning, inflamed with lust,
Then she’d leave, exhausted by man, but not yet sated,
A disgusting creature with filthy face, soiled by the lamp’s
Black, taking her brothel-stench back to the Emperor’s bed.

Of course, Justinian I also married a woman who was a prostitute and actress. Amongst other things, Theodora was famous for her circus act involving sex with a swan, representing the myth of Zeus and Leda. No idea if she re-enacted all of Zeus' love affairs, though knowing the Romans anything is possible. Hell, Nero had one of his poisoners executed by being sodomized by a giraffe!

 

[Picklechu]

what if he went to a comedy show and got called out by the comedian?

There's now a new item at the top of my Facebook wish list.

 

[Andrew Noel Schaefer]

Yeah, I was confusing Claudias with Constitine. Oops. Elegabalus sounds much more like Rika, not Chris. Primarily in the ways of homosexuality/transexuality (No, Not saying that either are bad things, just observing) or the way he was pulling 'pranks', as growing up Rob always imagined himself as a master RUSE CRUSE troll, making me glad none of us bought his whole lis thing, because a few months later you know he would have popped out and said "HAHA! IM ACTUALLY ROB! I TROLL YU!"

 

[Mogambo]

Primarily in the ways of homosexuality/transexuality (No, Not saying that either are bad things, just observing)

Oh, I agree. There's nothing wrong with homosexuality, transexuality, transgenderism, or crossdressing. What makes Chris' whole tomgirl phase so funny, though, is the fact that he does it badly (and not even in a camp way, just in an awful, almost pathetic fashion), and the fact that he is so vehemently anti-homosexual yet fails to understand that most other people who are anti-homosexual wouldn't take too kindly to drag queens either. That and tomgirl isn't a thing...

It's almost like he embodies the stereotype that the people who are most afraid or hateful towards gays are the ones deepest in the closet. And its made all the more stupid by the fact that his convictions come most from Family Guy, not the Bible or anything else... And even Family Guy is making fun of homophobia, not endorsing it.

 

[Andrew Noel Schaefer]

But the other thing is that I dont think Chris as Emperor would have any male lovers, nor kill anyone in cold blood (but would still have gaurds act out executions. Thats piss easy for anyone)

Yeah, there is the Asperchu 4 in Sonichu, but the thing about thoose four is that they *really* pissed Chris off. Curse-Ye-Ha-Me-Ha pissed-teir. You gotta make him REALLY mad for him to unleash that weapon of mass destruction. I feel really fucking bad for Alec, having to live through a retards CYHMA. I dont know how he survives day to day anymore. Either way, I think Chris knows that his stuff isnt real... just badly wishes they were, like a kid who knows santa isnt real but belives he is anyways.

 

[Mogambo]

Either way, I think Chris knows that his stuff isnt real... just badly wishes they were, like a kid who knows santa isnt real but belives he is anyways.

I'm honestly not entirely sure what Chris believes, if anything, but he seems very adamant about the idea that cartoons exist in some sort of parallel world. Indeed, wasn't that part of what triggered the whole Asperchu 4 incident in the first place? Also, didn't he "channel" Sonichu when Mary Lee Walsh tried to straighten him out? I'm leaning towards the idea that he believes it in some fashion, but that's just speculation on my part.

 

[TrippinKahlua]

what if he went to a comedy show and got called out by the comedian?

I'd love to see him in a room with Don Rickles or Andy Kaufman.