Hetrifying things “normalise gender-roles, sexism, homophobia, unhealthy relationship dynamics, or abuse”.
Gender reveal parties. His and hers matching shirts with arrows. A joint Facebook account.
All of these things are what UK artist and author Florence Given would call ‘hetrifying’.
The latest social media term applies to the uncomfortable, or cringe feeling experienced when something is aggressively heteronormative to the point of embarrassment.
In 2005, David Foster Wallace addressed the graduating class at Kenyon College with a speechthat is now one of his most read pieces. He begins with a parable: There are these two young fish swimming along, and they happen to meet an older fish swimming the other way, who nods at them and says, “Morning, boys. How’s the water?” And the two young fish swim on for a bit, and then eventually one of them looks over at the other and goes, “What the hell is water?”
Even in our ‘woke’ modern society, heteronormative behaviour is the water.
“The point of the fish story is merely that the most obvious, important realities are often the ones that are hardest to see and talk about,” Foster Wallace said.
In a December Instagram post, Given – best-selling author of Women Don’t Owe You Pretty – said ‘hetrifying’ things “normalise gender-roles, sexism, homophobia, unhealthy relationship dynamics, or abuse".
She’s given us a one-word way to identify and talk about them.
She gives the example: “I’ll have a beer. Not one of those girly pink cocktail drinks.”
“Your entire identity is contingent on the colour of your drink? Mate, that is hetrifying.”
There are so many examples of hetrifying behaviour floating around out there, there’s even a popular Instagram account dedicated to documenting them.
They range from political, to silly, to downright shameful. Some recurring themes are women ‘raising’ their male partners like children (feeding, clothing, caring for them etc), toxic gender performance (women doing all the domestic labour/men being the ‘breadwinners’), and normalising violence.
Like this instructional guide to keeping a husband. The blurb on the back cover outlines some key methods: “Cook for him - it's good to talk at mealtimes. Don't badmouth him to your friends. Stop being a nag - he will dump you. Always look your best for him.”
Or this wedding snap, in which the bride is holding up a sign that says ‘Got married on a Friday because’, and her groom and his mates are holding another that reads ‘Because Saturdays are for the boys’.
In a similar post, there's a permission slip written by ‘The Lads’ for a girlfriend/fiancé/wife to sign off on his attendance to a series of rugby games.
And then there’s ‘choreplay’ – women exchanging sex for their male partners to do housework.
In the sobering light of Florida passing the ‘Don’t Say Gay’ bill, a dozen other American states have proposed similar legislation, NPR reported. The specific details regarding the bills vary between states, but overall, they will prohibit schools from using a curriculum or discussing topics of gender identity or sexual orientation.
A tweet about this shared to the HetsExplainYourselves account reads: “Straight people will say that LGBT education isn’t age appropriate, but will ask a toddler if he has a girlfriend.”
“A lot of these [examples] are so awful and embarrassing I can't help but laugh,” Given captioned her Instagram post about hetrifying.
“We're a product of the society we were raised in, but it's important we examine these beliefs to see if they even align with who WE are, or what we've been told to accept as normal/truth.
“Because for a lot of queer people, heteronormativity is the ugly ill-fitting hand-me-down that we're forced to wear. It doesn't feel comfortable. It doesn't fit right.”
But the important thing to note is, heteronormativity is harmful for all of us – not just the rainbow community.
“And yes, straight people are harmed by heteronormativity too!” Given said.
“The suppressing of our authentic and complex selves into the toxic (and boring) gender roles assigned to us harm everyone. The roles for 'men' and 'women' aren't inherent truths – they were constructed, and then legitimised through oppression."
