What is your relationship with your dad?

[isalaide]

Terminated.

 

[Daily Affirmation]

Never met the man, but I hope I get to torture him in hell.

 

[Palehorse]

It's complicated. I recently reached out to him on Father's Day weekend after going no contact with him for 4 years. The gist of me going no contact: he's abusive and put my family through hell, my brother is disabled and almost died from COVID-19 and doctors weren't sure that he was going to pull through, he blamed it on my mom for not taking care of him. I told him to fuck off because I was tired of his BS. My mom literally put her life and career on hold for his care, and my father's care too. He suffers from TBI after being blown up in Iraq and basically only has half a brain so while his emotional issues can stem from that, he was also a major asshole before. He put us through hell and I'll keep it at that.

Anyway, he was so happy to hear from me. When I answered the phone he was in tears. My reasons for contacting him again were mostly because I was worried about his health, and I wanted to see if he was ok. I decided to put the sword down. I'm not sure if it's a mistake or not. I couldn't hold on to that anger anymore and I'm trying to practice forgiveness. I've changed, myself - I'm happily married, have a career, and I'm much happier than I was. He seemed to listen to me when we finally met up. He was kind of adorable not going to lie - he was so excited to see me that he bursted out the door of the restaurant to hug me.

Not to be an armchair psychologist but I think he suffers from BPD, even before his TBI affected his emotional regulation. He's extremely moody, he's abandoned us quite a few times, he has done risky behaviors, and he can't stand being rejected. He told me he was going crazy trying to contact me even though I blocked him, but his therapist said to let it go. During the time I broke off from him, he reached out to several family members to say he was sorry. I wanted him to say it to my face. Even though he did, I don't know whether to believe him or not. He likes to manipulate so I'm taking it with a grain of salt. When discussing my reasons for cutting him off, he tried to say "Well I don't remember that" (he will gaslight) but I put my foot down and said, "Well I do. I remember it exactly". I brought up the time when my brother was dying and he tried to shift the blame to my mom, but I quickly shut it down. My mom isn't perfect, and I've had to have these discussions with her too. She made an effort to change and our relationship is much better now - however, my dad doesn't really make much of an effort. I have low expectations of him.

He's still going to therapy, which I'm happy to hear. He seemed to shut up and listen to me when I would set my boundaries this time so maybe he learned something. He gave me an apology and said he wanted to move on. I told him I forgive him but I won't forget what he did to me. He's never apologized in his life so I don't think it's genuine. He's only texted me a few times since then. If he desperately wants to see me or have me in his life then he's going to have to make the effort himself. We'll see. I apologize for the wall of text. I'd like to write a book about him someday.

 

[MarkieMark]

I love him, I still miss him a lot. Sure, I never played much sports with him but I went on walks with him in nature, when I was 8 years old I remember playing Dragon Ball Z BT3 on the Ps2. I joked about him playing and he humored it, as old as he was he whooped my ass. I played as Chiaotzu and he was Great ape Vegeta, I was beating him senseless one round and then he really showed me up the two rounds after that even though my dad was freaking 50 and came from a background of not playing video games or being that into Anime (legit said every anime was Pokémon lmao).

 

[terraform45]

Tbh im very grateful for having in my dad in my life
Id be nothing without him tbh
We have our disagreements every now and then
But no matter what happens in life
Ill always value our time together
I love My Dad lol

 

[Party Hat Wurmple]

Anyway, he was so happy to hear from me. When I answered the phone he was in tears. My reasons for contacting him again were mostly because I was worried about his health, and I wanted to see if he was ok. I decided to put the sword down. I'm not sure if it's a mistake or not. I couldn't hold on to that anger anymore and I'm trying to practice forgiveness. I've changed, myself - I'm happily married, have a career, and I'm much happier than I was. He seemed to listen to me when we finally met up. He was kind of adorable not going to lie - he was so excited to see me that he bursted out the door of the restaurant to hug me.

It's always better to lay down the sword if you can, but remember the bullshit train will never stop. It sounds to me like you can lay down the sword, but remain on guard. It probably is genuine and he's probably awkward about contacting you.

On a side note, (for others in this thread) forgiving and never forgetting is a good notion, but it's better and more effective when it's unsaid. When it's said, it always causes problems. Don't ever actually say it.

 

[Spiny Rumples]

Hazy memories, these days. He was chill and good at stuff, fun to shoot the shit with and watch movies with, but he also got angry sometimes. I didn't understand until later, but he had a rough childhood and was dealing with some later trauma that he wouldn't seek therapy for. He'd get depressed(?) and be angry and irrational for a few days to a month at a time, so I'd try to avoid him. I think it would be alright if I'd grown a backbone and thicker skin, but a lot of my education was that progressive "victim complex" stuff and it made for an awful combination. He was very skilled and discreet about his hobbies, and was not great at teaching them. He really wanted to play improv music with me, but I wasn't very ready to open up. It would have all gotten better with time, I think. I played maybe just the one time with him and a friend of his, all of us on guitars, which was pretty fun.
He passed away a bit over 4 years ago and I remember the stuff I found positive more than the stuff I found negative. In hindsight and hearing stories, we have a lot in common. I have big shoes to fill...

 

[MsFrancisFoster]

Mr. Dad Foster is a great guy on all accounts. Big ol' teddy bear of a nerd. Got me into viyda games, tabletops, and is pretty much the reason I'm a creative soul. The irony is that he's a big beefy Army Bro. Almost lost him to Lymphoma in 2018, but he's been in remission ever since. Love the man dearly.

 

[Great General Ri Shin]

I love my Dad. I learn more about him every day which is very nice. I don't resent him at all but sometimes I wish he had been more present in my early life than he was. That being said he is still a very positive force in my life and I hope that we will keep getting closer as time goes on. It's a blessing to have a stable family and stories like the ones in this thread help to remind me of that.

 

[Drinky Crow]

Pretty solid. I talk once a week to him, either phone or visit. Hell of a guy, not super remarkable in wealth or body , but he gets it right in all the areas that really matter. Good husband, even better father. We have disagreements on religion (agnostic, he's Baptist), and sometimes on politics (center left and he's MAGA, but even he finds people worshipping Trump to be idiotic), but it doesn't get in the way of things.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

Worse because he's starting what seems like his slide into Alzheimers and has become a crankier and more childish person. On my most recent visit I didn't enjoy being there. First time in my years of living where I do that I actually wanted to back in my apartment.

 

[Dragged Into Sunlight]

He was very hard on us while we were growing up but massively regrets it now and has withdrawn from our lives almost completely and is drowning himself in alcohol.

We've tried to tell him so many times we aren't mad at him for it and it made us better people but I don't think he believes us. It's really sad. We try to contact him every time we're in town but he just ignores us. He'll occasionally message us on social media but ends up not responding most of the time. Pretty sure the next time I'll actually see him in person is when we get the call that the neighbors smelled something awful coming out of his apartment...

 

[I glow in the dark]

Him and I were both bitching about how work went for both of us today, so take of that what you will.

 

[Alexander Thaut]

if he had been 25 years younger, he'd have been a kiwi.

 

[Mnutu]

Complicated. I love him dearly, he’s been a massive positive influence in my life. He dedicated himself to driving 8 hours every other weekend to spend time with me for close to 8 years. We spent a lot of time together, times where he was really going through it. But as I grew up, I realized that there was a reason for the divorce, and he wasn’t the greatest. My grandfather passed a few years ago and he took it real hard. He started to spiral and drink. He’s always had a problem drinking. Never violent, but it’s not good. Think he’s genuinely narcissistic, but the kind that has an awareness to him. Or maybe, it was his dad that helped keep that in line. All three of us were close. He ended up getting divorced again, around the time I had to deal with a close friends suicide. He’d drunk call and incessantly text me. No matter what I said or did, it just pissed him off. Got to the point where I blew up and cut all ties to him (including his whole side of the family, save for my step-mom and half siblings). Haven’t spoken to him in about two years.

It hurts to think about, especially knowing now that every good thing he was I have proven I can’t be. I hope I can still fix that, be a fraction of what he was, and be better in other ways.

Step-dads cool though. Always has been, despite his shortcomings. Hell of a man.

 

[Caddo Cobgang]

pretty good I guess but neither of my parents know 90% of the shit I do or are interested in, to be fair they were born in the 60s

 

[Lorne Armstrong]

I was raised by my Mawm. My real dad abandoned my Mawm and the 5 kids they had together for a younger woman and he proceeded to have another 5 kids with her. My stepdad had nothing to do with me except for one time where he showed me gay porn. He ended up getting caught by my Mawm in bed with my older brother's wife. He kicked my Mawm out, my brother's wife left him, former stepdad and SIL got married and had kids, my Mawm moved into a trailer my Uncle owns and pays him "rent" with Section 8 vouchers, and that's that.

 

[PaleTay]

Died when I was a teenager. Some good things but he was way too strict and was in hindsight a simp.

Granddad is dying and I've realized I've never felt like I could be myself around him. He told me a year ago I should sign up to fight in the Ukraine, and has called me a Nazi for not supporting mass immigration. He called me messed up for reading creepypastas, said that the kill cam in COD would turn me into a serial killer, and freaked out and tried to take Skyrim away because I fus roh dah'd someone off a cliff. Had to spend summers with him growing up, he didn't live in a great area so I think there were normal kids around one or two summers in total.

 

[The Foxtrot]

I still go up and see him and my mom once a week, and I bring my daughter along. I call him (or mom) every time I go on lunch break at work. He was a hardass when I was a kid, and I was a rebellious little shit, but we've worked out our issues (and I think me living on my own definitely helps). I'll still consult my parents for advice on various topics. He loves being the cool grandpa and taking his granddaughter out for ice cream and stuff like that, and me and him go out to the gun range twice a month or so.

All in all, it's a positive relationship.

 

[Ewan McGregor]

What a fucking depressing thread