What method do you use to wipe your ass?

[Haloperidol]

Like when you have shit on your ass, how do you wipe your ass without it getting everywhere and without pulling a muscle in your arm? Every time I try it doesn’t work and I pass out and wake up on the floor hours later. Please tell me how to accomplish this basic task.

 

[Axiom.]

Squat down, get buckets of toilet water, and let it slide naturally.

 

[not william stenchever]

Like when you have shit on your ass, how do you wipe your ass without it getting everywhere and without pulling a muscle in your arm? Every time I try it doesn’t work and I pass out and wake up on the floor hours later. Please tell me how to accomplish this basic task.

I've heard that Kim Jung Un doesn't poop so your best chance is to become the supreme dear leader of a hermit kingdom.

 

[Daddy's Angry Juice]

Elbows up, side to side, I wipe like a cholo.

 

[Penis Drager 2.0]

First step is wrap the toilet paper around my fingers in two layers before unsheathing (perhaps this is what people mean by "folding" their TP?).
I then hook my scrotum with my left middle finger and lift it out of the way.
Next, using my right hand, I make sure there's no dangler so as to avoid smearing.
Repeat steps 1 and 2 if dangler was present.
Scrape inner right cheek back to front.
Repeat steps 1 and 2 once more, scrape inner left cheek.
Repeat one final time and scrape the center.
Repeat the previous until shit no longer appears on the paper.
If you get shit on your balls or taint wiping back to front, that's a skill issue. I never had that problem.

Thank you for listening.

 

[Quantum Diabetes]

I remove the cap to the hydrant and blast my ass in front of the neighbors

 

[Sarcastic sockpuppet]

I live in Japan so smooth jazz plays and birds sing while the washlet cleans my ass.

Anything else is uncivilized.

 

[Achtung Bitter]

Are you retarded? Then you’re eligible for paper compensation.

Get additional help and tips via 0-800-ASSWIPE

 

[Sparkletor 2.0]

It's complicated and I completely understand if my way is not for you.

First I make a fake email account and some fake social media accounts in my mother's name. Then I advertise that I'm looking for a caretaker for my disabled son who needs his ass wiped. Then I wait for a nibble.

From there on it's pretty simple. I just make baby noises and scrunch my face up to let my caretaker know I've soiled myself. The worker, or poop slave as I like to call them, then changes my diaper and wipes my bum bum.

East peasy.