What sensible job leads can you give DSP? - Kiwi Farms turns placement agency

[P.J. Soulslike]

He'd be good at getting donations or a bill collector. He somehow can get money out of people so there's that.

Plus he's from the streets, is really muscular and keeps a gun close by at all times so he'd be very good at intimidating people.

 

[thismanlies]

What qualifications do you need for managing a company's social media accounts?

Edit: 911 call centers across America are apparently in need of "warm bodies."

 

[BrunoMattei]

I think he could get a call center job.

 

[Brother Wind]

also he would most defiantly get in trouble for stealing mail and get fucked forever.

I'm glad we had the same thought, because I can almost see him stealing Christmas Cards. And then talking about it online.

 

[Prince Lotor]

Given his skillset I think he would do amazing as a Bomb Disposal Robot Pilot. He's the best Overall Gaymer in the country and his performance in high pressure situations would make a diamond jealous. I foresee a long, bright future for Dave full of the recognition and awards he already deserves if he enters this line of work.

 

[Wurstbrot]

Some very old or disabled people make some money by being an artist's modell. Yes, they can be disgusting to look at but they don't need skills, they just sit there and they get money. Just like Phil right now, he just sits in front of his TV, shows no skill and gets the money. On the other hand the "sitting still" aspect could be difficult.
"Could you stop rocking back and forth Mr Burnell?"

 

[Cyber Bowling]

I think if things fall apart for Phil, he'll move home and continue streaming there to whatever regulars stick around to spite the detractors. I think he'd only get a real job as an absolute last resort. Even then, I think he'd apply for positions way above his skillset and then complain about detractors/discrimination/bugged job mechanics keeping him from getting employed, but he'd never actually resort to applying for an entry level position/some other type of job that would overlook his giant work gap and minimal experience.

 

[Lysol]

He could work at an old folks' home, as one of the staffers that doesn't do much other than basic janitorial duties besides being an extra set of eyes in case one of them starts having 'nam flashbacks or something. He might be irritating and crass, but something tells me he doesn't really like violence, so he might also actually do some good as a whistleblower if they have abusive staff members (though who am I kidding he'd report them thinking he'd get a bonus or some shit).

 

[A Witty Name]

He'd probably try to get SSDI for his back.

Although if I was hiring him, I'd send him to work at my competitor to sabotage them.

 

[Freshtodeath]

I think if he stayed in Seattle he'd have trouble finding a decent job. There are probably tons of qualified applicants. Maybe if he moved back to CT he could work in a call center.

 

[JustStopDude]

Skag boy.

 

[Commander Keen]

I don't think a call center would hire DSP. I'm skeptical if he actually does have a college degree from an actual place of higher learning, but, if he does, a lot of jobs that are being thrown out aren't gonna hire him. Having a degree eliminates you from consideration from a ton of jobs because they know you aren't gonna stick with it or they think you're slumming it or they think you're lazy for wanting such a job when you have a degree. Or they think you have big problems and can't get hired anywhere and you're desperate.

The obvious thing, obviously, is for DSP to leave off the fact he's educated from his resume.

You really think he'll do that? With his ego? DSP could be trying to get on with Juan Gonzalez de Guadalupe y los chingons de chingones lawn services and he would talk all about how his "business degree" makes him the best push mower operator on the North American continent.

 

[sperginity]

He's gonna try to get on a tugboat for his back.

Edit: Ninja'd

 

[FallGout]

He could easily get a desk job which involves inputting data or admin work. Requires little skill, not much movement and not too much human interaction. Doubt anywhere would employ him to work their phones since he can't go 20 seconds without clearing his throat or snorting.

 

[Schmeckel]

He could easily get a desk job which involves inputting data or admin work. Requires little skill, not much movement and not too much human interaction. Doubt anywhere would employ him to work their phones since he can't go 20 seconds without clearing his throat or snorting.

:powerlevel:

When I was younger, I had to take this job basically "selling" a credit card thing to people. It was like one of those stupid Fingerhut catalogs but with a higher cost and ludicrous interest rate. But, we had to read from a script. "Thank you for calling the member card services division of CCA, how can I help you?" And pretty much everything from there was attempting to scam these callers into signing up. I stayed there 2 weeks (first week was paid training) before I realized what was happening, and I never went back. I think they went out of business, or something.

Phil would fucking absolutely ascend the ranks in a company like that. He's been scamming and bilking people out of money for years, it's his most valuable skill.

 

[ZehnBoat]

phil absolutely needs a job where he can talk to his co-workers but doesn't have to
because i'm sure every year on the day he was hired he would go around, blabbing on about his X YEAR LEGACY WITH THE COMPANY and HOW GREATFUL YOU SHOULD BE THAT YOU WORK WITH SOMEONE AS NONTAHXIC AND PROFESSIONAL AS ME

 

[Ching_Chong]

Being a voice for things. GPS for example. I'll let someone else figure type how that would go.

 

[HansGruber]

I don't know if he'd be actually good at it but be always reminded me of a used car salesmen. If he could some how muster the indignity of having to get up off of his cracked vinyl chair to show a car out on the lot, I'm sure he could scam a few idiots into buying a lemon or two.

 

[BeanBidan]

Maybe a night unarmed security guard. They're practically lazy and he can pretend he's playing games as he stares at the security camera.
*guy robs bank*
"Oh cahmon dood I was robbed, nothing I could do, of course"

 

[Windows 98]

phil could be a coach for e-sports. you know how ballet or soccer coaches used to be pretty good in their youth but now that they're older they teach? like that. I mean after all he's the best deejay in the world and he placed at tournaments. who better to teach the next generation things like "spam to win" and "when in doubt supah come out." he could warn of the dangers of online lag and how to tell if your opponent is using lag tactics.