What sensible job leads can you give DSP? - Kiwi Farms turns placement agency

Which will happen first? Bankruptcy or a job bagging groceries at Fred Meyer?

  • Bankruptcy

  • Fred Meyer

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If he was black and didn't get into the vidya games I could have seen pigroach as one of those hustler ministers or a lifetime career alderman in some ghetto ward because he never lets a good crisis go to waste and if doesn't have one he'll make one only he can fix with other peoples money.
 
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Mr. Manchester said:
Suicide hotline.

Wow! Just take a pill don't be an idiot! Fucking ambulances will rip you off. Why would you use a rope? Oh my god what a dumbass ACKACKACKACK
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"Yeah, that's fine and all, but let me tell you about MY depression. You know the superhero Wolverine? Well, it all started when..."
*BANG*
"Hello? Okay fine, be a selfish asshole, ack ack ack" *lean-in hangup*
 
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None whatsoever, he has no technical skills let alone any people skills. he doesn't know how to interact with people or treat people with any common decency. .. he never holds himself accountable " I did nothing wrong, I did everything correct". no employer in their right mind would even consider him for a job. not to mention the 11+ year employment gap he is going to have to try and explain. He can't even hold onto a sponsor, and there are sponsors out there who could careless they just want to get their product out to the people, yet somehow Phil has managed to scare even these types of sponsors off , again because he has no people skills he just pull his pants down and blows a big wet one in the direction of any company reaching out to him. and last but not least his ego, "my legacy" .. "The top ranked USA player" at the 2005 evo's does not work bagging groceries or flipping burgers. he will continue to beg on daily basis and sadly there will always be enough people to let him scrape by in life.
 
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a spokesperson for autism speaks, he could go from state to state telling people how you can still make money even with crippling autism and zero talent or self awareness
 
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no work ethic, willpower, technical skills or people skills. He could be a car salesman but he would have to stand up all day and his appearance is too odd to work with general public so that won't work. Grocery store would also require he stand all day. Maybe toll booth worker?
 
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Organ donor. That or carnival barker, like the ShamWow guy. He's got the maturity level for things like "playing with your schticky" from the last Vince Offer commercial I saw.
 
In all seriousness, I've said elsewhere that he'd actually make a pretty good hype man or PR guy, depending on who his clients were. Bullshitting is one of the few things he puts any effort into, and with a little effort and training he'd be a natural.

That PR men are also universally slimy as a rule doesn't hurt, either.
 
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I did think of something.
The shell game where you have to follow the ball under a walnut shells.
It's a scam so Phil would be great at it.
"follow the money" "watch where it goes"
although this scam requires slight of hand and we all know Phil's doesn't have good hand eye coordination so he would probably end up dropping the ball as he is trying to hide it from his victim. at which point he would SNORT and yell "Thanks for the money dummy' as he is running away.
 
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Garbage man since he already produces it.
 
PlasticOwls said:
Legitimately, Phil would be a great video game tester.
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No way. No game would ever come out because everything would be "a game bug" even when it wasn't.

PlasticOwls said:
But I can also see him being an amazing MLM pusher too
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He'd run out of paypigs to pitch to.

The best and greatest said:
Why give legit job leads to Phil when you undoubtedly know someone more deserving?
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Because most, if not all, of the things Philly B is qualified for are entry level, with no real advancement hope. I don't doubt he could work at Boeing or Microsoft. Those places need janitors too.
 
Leon Breitling said:
No way. No game would ever come out because everything would be "a game bug" even when it wasn't.


He'd run out of paypigs to pitch to.


Because most, if not all, of the things Philly B is qualified for are entry level, with no real advancement hope. I don't doubt he could work at Boeing or Microsoft. Those places need janitors too.
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I would say frycook since its a job that can entail near-constant supervision so there's fewer opportunities for him to fuck up or fuck off.
 
Gout9Gaming said:
I did think of something.
The shell game where you have to follow the ball under a walnut shells.
It's a scam so Phil would be great at it.
"follow the money" "watch where it goes"
although this scam requires slight of hand and we all know Phil's doesn't have good hand eye coordination so he would probably end up dropping the ball as he is trying to hide it from his victim. at which point he would SNORT and yell "Thanks for the money dummy' as he is running away.
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Phil trying to scam people out of money with 3-card-monte would be amazing. Cause he'd inevitably fuck it up by agreeing to a double-or-nothing bet, and fall into financial ruin. Nothing he could do.

Honestly, he needs to get a job at the Cheapo Casino from Lampoon's Vegas Vacation. The scams in that place are right up his alley. He'd be perfect at the 'Pick a number between 1 and 10' table.

Phil - "Pick a number."
Customer - "Um...... 2."
P - "WRONG! 8! THANKS FOR THE MONEY STUPID FUCK!"
 
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