- Joined
- Aug 24, 2014
I'm disappointed they didn't make shit golems.
Wizards used to shit where they stood and make it vanish before muggle toilets - Hogwarts is one massive outhouse.
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Guts Gets Some
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Nov 9, 2018
RumblyTumbly
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2018
Also keep in mind that positions can be cursed. It was explained that Voldemort cursed the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position at Hogwarts, which is why the teacher in that position never lasted longer than a year.
So you could be waiting forever and ever for your dream job to open up only to take the position and be killed or injured or driven insane by the end of the year.
Azovka
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2018
Noticing the inconsistencies and general lack of sense of the Harry Potter world building, I can't help but be reminded of a Russian parody series of that franchise called Tanya Grotter. It's been banned in most if not all of the Western Hemisphere, and I'm not sure it would actually be worth translating anyways since it relies heavily on Slavic mythology and the Russian spirit for its world building. However, one thing that should be of note is that even their gopnik version of Quidditch made more sense.
Anyways, point is - that feel when a bootlegged, gopnik pastiche of Harry Potter comes up with a better, more coherent version of magical sport than J.K. Rowling.
It's called Dragonball (how very creative), and it involves 2 teams of 10 players flying on any magical instrument (mostly vacuum cleaners, but also carpets, cellos, and broomsticks, though the latter are considered a "poser" thing).
Players score points by catching and then throwing flying balls at the enemy team's dragon, that is basically a living goal. The dragons can swallow players or spit fire at them, though everyone has to wear a magical anti-burn cream that lessens the injuries should they be hit. The sport is still known to be lethal.
There are 5 differently colored balls in-game that are worth different amounts of points and cause different effects to the dragons.
Players are split into the soccer / OG football positions and are assigned to defense, midfield, and attack, so there's no "hero" / "PC" role like seekers in Quidditch.
The teams are also very varied, what with competitions being part of World Cups that can last for years. And each match is very unique since the teams being fought are very eclectic to say the least. Here's just a couple of examples:
Players score points by catching and then throwing flying balls at the enemy team's dragon, that is basically a living goal. The dragons can swallow players or spit fire at them, though everyone has to wear a magical anti-burn cream that lessens the injuries should they be hit. The sport is still known to be lethal.
There are 5 differently colored balls in-game that are worth different amounts of points and cause different effects to the dragons.
- Confusion ball - 1 point. Basically, confuses the dragon, who's then prone to eat its own defense players.
- Sneezing ball - 2 points. Makes the dragon sneeze violently, throwing around its defense players with wind currents and possibly spiting out any previously eaten player and innocent bystander.
- Fire-extinguishing ball - 3 points. Stops the dragon from breathing fire until the end of the match.
- Pepper ball - 5 points. Temporarily blinds the dragon and makes it spit all eaten players.
- Paralyzing ball - 10 points. Puts the dragon to sleep. Ends the match.
Players are split into the soccer / OG football positions and are assigned to defense, midfield, and attack, so there's no "hero" / "PC" role like seekers in Quidditch.
The teams are also very varied, what with competitions being part of World Cups that can last for years. And each match is very unique since the teams being fought are very eclectic to say the least. Here's just a couple of examples:
- Arabic djiins (genies) on magic carpets that have a poisonous snake-like dragon who can claw players apart
- Indian ghandavras (basically Indian angels - guys with wings that act as muses in Hinduism, and have enchanted sitars that they use to hex players during the match) and their dragon-werewolf (weredragon? idk), anyways a small, laughable dragon that transforms mid-match into a thicc boi
- Werewolves on vacuum cleaners
- Polar spirits (notable members: Santa Claus, Russian Father Frost, the OG Snowman, etc.) with a frost dragon
- Witches from the Bald Mountain
- The Invisibles, just a regular team from the English in-universe equivalent of Hogwarts that use invisibility cloaks to hide during offensive strikes
- the Eternity team, which is summoned by necromancy for exactly one hour, and is made up of the arguably the best players from History (includes Hercules among other things).
Anyways, point is - that feel when a bootlegged, gopnik pastiche of Harry Potter comes up with a better, more coherent version of magical sport than J.K. Rowling.
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2017
That sounds so fucking metal. Why was this banned, anyway? 'Cause it's of Russian origin?
Azovka
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2018
It was banned because of a lawsuit by J.K. Rowling for plagiarism. And tbf, the first book has pretty much the same plot as Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, but beyond that, the series diverges widely. Here's more info if you want. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tanya_Grotter
Beyond that, there's really not much point in translating it since the series heavily relies on Russian folkore and Slavic mythology. And if you're not familiar with it, then half the jokes or plot points are kind of missed.
The only reason I mentioned it is because the world-building is on point, and the whole "Quidditch makes no sense" reminded me of how much better the gopnik Harry Potter series was.
Below are book plots, if you're interested. (Also, the hero of this series is not the "Chosen One" past the first book. Even her scar (which was a major plot point in the first book) disappears, or rather its power is spent after fighting the villain.)
Book 1 : The Magic Contrabass (Russian equivalent of broomsticks that people fly on)
Basically the first HP book, only instead of the Philosopher's stone, you have the Elder's Hair (in Slavic folkore, wizards used to split hairs from their beards and perform magic with them, hence the name).
Also of note, he Russian Hogwarts doubles down as a prison for the Old Gods of chaos and destruction (think Lovecraftian horrors) that are imprisoned in the catacombs under the castle, and the Elder's Hair strengthens the defenses to stop them from escaping. Climax involves the Russian Voldemort putting a student under the Imperius curse to destroy the Hair, thus upsetting the balance while most of the school is distracted by a Dragonball game against werewolves.
Basically the first HP book, only instead of the Philosopher's stone, you have the Elder's Hair (in Slavic folkore, wizards used to split hairs from their beards and perform magic with them, hence the name).
Also of note, he Russian Hogwarts doubles down as a prison for the Old Gods of chaos and destruction (think Lovecraftian horrors) that are imprisoned in the catacombs under the castle, and the Elder's Hair strengthens the defenses to stop them from escaping. Climax involves the Russian Voldemort putting a student under the Imperius curse to destroy the Hair, thus upsetting the balance while most of the school is distracted by a Dragonball game against werewolves.
An entire floor of the castle has been cursed and disappears periodically, with students being on it never to return. The school has to temporarily close to deal with it (which actually reminds me that Hogwarts never closed during the Chamber of Secrets events, which makes absolutely no sense. Like, why would you put your students at risk instead of temporarily closing and calling in the Ministry to help?). Anyways.
So, most of the book is the hero and her friends being sent back to the "Muggles" and them trying to covertly practice Dragonball at night while being hunted down by a mysterious figure.
Then, supposedly the Floor has been dealt with, and everyone returns to the castle, only to later be ambushed by students and teachers under the Imperius curse that are trying to revive the Russian Voldemort, who did die in the previous book's events, but whose shade / imprint has survived in a mirror on the Disappearing Floor. The hero realizing she's only a First Year and sucks at magic just ends up breaking the mirror by throwing stones and debris at it.
So, most of the book is the hero and her friends being sent back to the "Muggles" and them trying to covertly practice Dragonball at night while being hunted down by a mysterious figure.
Then, supposedly the Floor has been dealt with, and everyone returns to the castle, only to later be ambushed by students and teachers under the Imperius curse that are trying to revive the Russian Voldemort, who did die in the previous book's events, but whose shade / imprint has survived in a mirror on the Disappearing Floor. The hero realizing she's only a First Year and sucks at magic just ends up breaking the mirror by throwing stones and debris at it.
A magical storm hits the highest tower of the castle and puts in motion a very old prophecy about forces of Evil rising and stuff. A golden leech is found by the teachers in a newly discovered attic following the storm, and the hero just takes it at random after spying on her professors with the castle's ghosts, just out of curiosity.
Then, during a lesson in "Defense against Evil Spirits" gone wrong, a malicious genie of bad luck is freed, and starts roaming the corridors of the school, unseen. The rest of the events is influenced by the bad luck he brings.
The hero prepares for the most important Dragonball match in her career thus far, against Harry Potter and his Hogwarts team, or well their universe equivalent - called The Invisibles because they hide under invisibility cloaks during the match.
During the match, her double bass breaks, and its strings break, releasing the Curse of the Hanged Men (her double bass was unique and special and all), and time is reset.
So she ends up in a parallel dimension of sorts, where Voldemort has taken over the school and is trying to free his fellow Gods of chaos and destruction that are still imprisoned in the catacombs. To do so, he has the brilliant idea of summoning enough stone idols to teleport onto the Great Turtle (like the one from the Discworld series, that carries the world). If they manage to disrupt the turtle even a little bit, or even make it sneeze, it should be enough for the gates of the prison of the Old Gods to collapse. And the hero has to stop him while he's trying to zerg the Turtle.
The Golden Leech helps, and time is reset back to normal.
Then, during a lesson in "Defense against Evil Spirits" gone wrong, a malicious genie of bad luck is freed, and starts roaming the corridors of the school, unseen. The rest of the events is influenced by the bad luck he brings.
The hero prepares for the most important Dragonball match in her career thus far, against Harry Potter and his Hogwarts team, or well their universe equivalent - called The Invisibles because they hide under invisibility cloaks during the match.
During the match, her double bass breaks, and its strings break, releasing the Curse of the Hanged Men (her double bass was unique and special and all), and time is reset.
So she ends up in a parallel dimension of sorts, where Voldemort has taken over the school and is trying to free his fellow Gods of chaos and destruction that are still imprisoned in the catacombs. To do so, he has the brilliant idea of summoning enough stone idols to teleport onto the Great Turtle (like the one from the Discworld series, that carries the world). If they manage to disrupt the turtle even a little bit, or even make it sneeze, it should be enough for the gates of the prison of the Old Gods to collapse. And the hero has to stop him while he's trying to zerg the Turtle.
The Golden Leech helps, and time is reset back to normal.
The supply of magic of the school begins to wane after several magical artifacts are stolen (yes, in this universe, wizards derive their power from mystic, old artifacts, a sort of magic fuel if you will. Or Lyrium from the Dragon Age series. Which means that the supply is finite, and at some point in time, the magic will run out for good). So the students are sent back to the Muggles again while the school investigates the thefts.
There's a huge secondary plot that spans the rest of the series involving the uncle of the protagonist (Russian Vernon Dursley basically) turning out to be the grand-something child of Dracula and inheriting the title of Master of Vampires, even though he is a Muggle and is scared of drinking even tomato juice, let alone seeing blood.
Several events later, turns out that the magical artifacts were being stolen by a visiting professor - a crazy Englishman who everyone had dismissed as a joke because he had schizophrenia and thought himself to be Salieri, the guy who assassinated Mozart.
Oh, and instead of Dragonball matches, the book features a competition of Witches' Huts on chicken legs (from Slavic Mythology). Like Olympics basically, where the huts have some orientation exercises, marathons, races with obstacles etc.
Here's an image of said hut. It's really, really well-known in Russian folkore. Baba Yaga (the OG evil witch) lives in one for instance.
There's a huge secondary plot that spans the rest of the series involving the uncle of the protagonist (Russian Vernon Dursley basically) turning out to be the grand-something child of Dracula and inheriting the title of Master of Vampires, even though he is a Muggle and is scared of drinking even tomato juice, let alone seeing blood.
Several events later, turns out that the magical artifacts were being stolen by a visiting professor - a crazy Englishman who everyone had dismissed as a joke because he had schizophrenia and thought himself to be Salieri, the guy who assassinated Mozart.
Oh, and instead of Dragonball matches, the book features a competition of Witches' Huts on chicken legs (from Slavic Mythology). Like Olympics basically, where the huts have some orientation exercises, marathons, races with obstacles etc.
Here's an image of said hut. It's really, really well-known in Russian folkore. Baba Yaga (the OG evil witch) lives in one for instance.
Here, the world-building becomes more elaborate. Basically, it is said that the our human world is connected to the Underworld and to the Heavens where Gods dwell by a World Tree. Like the Yggdrasil from Norse mythology, the big holy tree at the center of the universe. And its physical incarnation on Earth got cut down for firewood by dumb cyclops (who serve as the security guard of the Russian Hogwarts).
So, some Gods of the Slavic Pantheon like Perun, Veles, Triglav and Simorg got pissed and decided to invade Earth. Only they can reach Earth only through a portal the hero has opened by accident in her dresser's mirror to piss off her roommate. So their journey takes some time, and they agree to stop their planned invasion if the wizards can "give them back what was stolen from them".
For her mistake of dealing with unknown forces for petty reasons like getting back at a roommate, the hero is punished by the headmaster and basically downgraded from Russian Gryffindor to Slytherin. She also quits the Dragonball team for awhile and goes full emo, which is unsurprising coming from a teenager.
Then, there's a Dragonball match against the Polar Spirits' team during the Winter Solstice (which gives them immense powers), and after it, the faculty figures out that the shit that was stolen from the Slavic Gods was the Staff of the Magi - the staff the Magi used when visiting baby Jesus and that was cut from the World Tree. Turns out, it has been stolen by some vampires who had hoped to use it to kill Uncle Vernon Dursley, the new Master of Vampires from the previous book. (Since vampires don't really like being ruled by a Muggle, and they couldn't kill him otherwise because along with the title, he inherited Dracula's regalia - a magic sword, a crown, and boots that made him quasi-invincible).
So the hero has to fly back to Moscow to try and get the staff back on New Year's Eve, and all turns out well.
(Also there's a subplot where the English Harry Potter falls in love with the hero after she performs a love spell for the memes. And other girls from the school try to get cupids (who are mail delivery guys in-universe) to strike him with love arrows to make him love them instead, and the poor guy spends most of the book in a quite literal love fever).
So, some Gods of the Slavic Pantheon like Perun, Veles, Triglav and Simorg got pissed and decided to invade Earth. Only they can reach Earth only through a portal the hero has opened by accident in her dresser's mirror to piss off her roommate. So their journey takes some time, and they agree to stop their planned invasion if the wizards can "give them back what was stolen from them".
For her mistake of dealing with unknown forces for petty reasons like getting back at a roommate, the hero is punished by the headmaster and basically downgraded from Russian Gryffindor to Slytherin. She also quits the Dragonball team for awhile and goes full emo, which is unsurprising coming from a teenager.
Then, there's a Dragonball match against the Polar Spirits' team during the Winter Solstice (which gives them immense powers), and after it, the faculty figures out that the shit that was stolen from the Slavic Gods was the Staff of the Magi - the staff the Magi used when visiting baby Jesus and that was cut from the World Tree. Turns out, it has been stolen by some vampires who had hoped to use it to kill Uncle Vernon Dursley, the new Master of Vampires from the previous book. (Since vampires don't really like being ruled by a Muggle, and they couldn't kill him otherwise because along with the title, he inherited Dracula's regalia - a magic sword, a crown, and boots that made him quasi-invincible).
So the hero has to fly back to Moscow to try and get the staff back on New Year's Eve, and all turns out well.
(Also there's a subplot where the English Harry Potter falls in love with the hero after she performs a love spell for the memes. And other girls from the school try to get cupids (who are mail delivery guys in-universe) to strike him with love arrows to make him love them instead, and the poor guy spends most of the book in a quite literal love fever).
An Old Slavic God from the previous book tries again to reach Earth, and attacks several students, stealing what they cherish the most from them - magic for one, strength for another, and beauty for a third.
Meanwhile, Tanya, the hero, tries to deal with the love triangle she accidentally created, and stumbles on the shield of Theseus (from Greek mythology, the one that killed Medusa (who incidentally, is one of the teachers at the school), while trying to meet one of her love interests outside in the snow.
Turns out, Perun - the God of Thunder, think Slavic Zeus / Thor, wasn't the one attacking the school, but it was Triglav, the God of Pestilence and Plague instead (for the memes). And the hero sees it with the shield of Theseus, whose surface is reflective and shows the "real" image of a person.
The Russian Dumbledore summons the real Perun, who battles Triglav in an epic fight, wins, and everything goes back to normal. For her efforts in trying to be good, the hero is transferred back to Russian Gryffindor on probation.
Meanwhile, Tanya, the hero, tries to deal with the love triangle she accidentally created, and stumbles on the shield of Theseus (from Greek mythology, the one that killed Medusa (who incidentally, is one of the teachers at the school), while trying to meet one of her love interests outside in the snow.
Turns out, Perun - the God of Thunder, think Slavic Zeus / Thor, wasn't the one attacking the school, but it was Triglav, the God of Pestilence and Plague instead (for the memes). And the hero sees it with the shield of Theseus, whose surface is reflective and shows the "real" image of a person.
The Russian Dumbledore summons the real Perun, who battles Triglav in an epic fight, wins, and everything goes back to normal. For her efforts in trying to be good, the hero is transferred back to Russian Gryffindor on probation.
The hero's Russian love interest Ivan and Harry Potter have an outlawed magical duel to decide who wins her heart. (Duels happen in the air, several kilometers above ground). Ivan wins. Harry Potter is knocked from his broomstick, falls somewhere, and is presumed dead. The problem is that Harry Potter is an in-universe insanely popular Dragonball celebrity, and as such, Ivan is labelled a criminal and murderer and has to flee to the Muggle World while people are looking for Harry Potter, or at least his corpse. He ends up being caught and sent to Dubodam, the Russian equivalent of Azkaban.
At the same time, Gopnikdemort tries to come back to life once again, and promises Tanya a way to get into Dubodam to save her love interest in exchange for her blood. She accepts, goes on an infiltration mission into the prison with her friend, and saves Ivan and defeats Gopnikdemort with the help of the titular Pince-nez of Noah, basically glasses that help you see through illusions.
Meanwhile turns out Harry Potter ain't dead. While falling, he summoned the Ark of Noah (in-universe equivalent of the Knight Bus), and was peacefully asleep on it after getting a concussion. He is found by the vampires in the employ of Uncle Vernon, who were just trying to use the Ark to overthrow their esteemed King once again.
At the same time, Gopnikdemort tries to come back to life once again, and promises Tanya a way to get into Dubodam to save her love interest in exchange for her blood. She accepts, goes on an infiltration mission into the prison with her friend, and saves Ivan and defeats Gopnikdemort with the help of the titular Pince-nez of Noah, basically glasses that help you see through illusions.
Meanwhile turns out Harry Potter ain't dead. While falling, he summoned the Ark of Noah (in-universe equivalent of the Knight Bus), and was peacefully asleep on it after getting a concussion. He is found by the vampires in the employ of Uncle Vernon, who were just trying to use the Ark to overthrow their esteemed King once again.
Entire book happens in an alternate universe, based on Avatar the Air bender, where there are 4 nations - Water, Earth, Fire, and Air. Several Hogwarts students, or well their doubles end up in these nations with mysterious golden bracelets on their hands, and no recollection of their past / alternate lives. Tanya herself just ends up an amnesiac with no affiliation to any nation. Oh, and the world is infested with creatures straight from the Witcher, so Tanya befriends a local thief / hunter to help her out.
All of the students follow the directions that the golden bracelets brand on their skin periodically, and end up together. Turns out, it was an evil mage turned lich that summoned them to this universe after the hero's great-grand-father banished him there. And he needs their blood and help to restore himself to full power. The students manage to defeat them with the help of an Albatross and the titular boots of the centaur, and the knowledge they learned along the way in their alternate-universe adventures.
All of the students follow the directions that the golden bracelets brand on their skin periodically, and end up together. Turns out, it was an evil mage turned lich that summoned them to this universe after the hero's great-grand-father banished him there. And he needs their blood and help to restore himself to full power. The students manage to defeat them with the help of an Albatross and the titular boots of the centaur, and the knowledge they learned along the way in their alternate-universe adventures.
A mysterious pink smoke is seen in a lesser European magic university, whose students and faculty then proceed to vanish mysteriously.
Meanwhile, Hogwarts gets its first transfer students, sort of - 3 necromancers that got caught in the forest, and who the Ministry hopes will be rehabilitated.
The mysterious pink smoke appears on the island soon enough, and all the adults disappear, with no exception. The students try to investigate the matter, and it turns out that the smoke is a symptom of the curse of wrong choices that affects only grown-ups.
Basically, everyone has a moment in their lives where they wish they would've made another choice, and end up regretting the one they made for the rest of their lives. For a teacher for instance, it manifested as him leaving his treasured Pegasus friend in a forest for 15 minutes, and coming back to see him eaten by necrophages because he tied up his reins to a tree out of habit.
Another teacher was egging her sister to play parkour with her and jump across some buildings, not a big jump mind you. And her sister ended up falling and dying. For yet another it was betraying his master. That sort of thing, you see.
Anyways, turns out the smoke and the curse originate from something called the "well of Poseidon", which is a trench fault that supposedly originated from where Poseidon struck down a giant sea serpent with his trident ages ago.
Tanya and the necromancers fly out there to try and stop the phenomenon, while Hogwarts is under siege by vampires who take the opportunity of all the adults (and actual good mages) being gone to seize control of it.
The remaining 5 books have more to do with a love triangle between the hero, and her Betty and Veronica, respectively Ivan, a Russian ordinary guy that likes to take care of magical animals, and a dangerous alluring necromancer and transfer student. Thus, I won't bother summing them up beyond what I just did. So uhm yeah.
Meanwhile, Hogwarts gets its first transfer students, sort of - 3 necromancers that got caught in the forest, and who the Ministry hopes will be rehabilitated.
The mysterious pink smoke appears on the island soon enough, and all the adults disappear, with no exception. The students try to investigate the matter, and it turns out that the smoke is a symptom of the curse of wrong choices that affects only grown-ups.
Basically, everyone has a moment in their lives where they wish they would've made another choice, and end up regretting the one they made for the rest of their lives. For a teacher for instance, it manifested as him leaving his treasured Pegasus friend in a forest for 15 minutes, and coming back to see him eaten by necrophages because he tied up his reins to a tree out of habit.
Another teacher was egging her sister to play parkour with her and jump across some buildings, not a big jump mind you. And her sister ended up falling and dying. For yet another it was betraying his master. That sort of thing, you see.
Anyways, turns out the smoke and the curse originate from something called the "well of Poseidon", which is a trench fault that supposedly originated from where Poseidon struck down a giant sea serpent with his trident ages ago.
Tanya and the necromancers fly out there to try and stop the phenomenon, while Hogwarts is under siege by vampires who take the opportunity of all the adults (and actual good mages) being gone to seize control of it.
The remaining 5 books have more to do with a love triangle between the hero, and her Betty and Veronica, respectively Ivan, a Russian ordinary guy that likes to take care of magical animals, and a dangerous alluring necromancer and transfer student. Thus, I won't bother summing them up beyond what I just did. So uhm yeah.
- Joined
- Aug 1, 2017
This has been circulating around the mockery side of Tumblr for a year or so and is famous for gaining this reply:
- Joined
- Jan 12, 2017
This series sounds like a national treasure and needs to be preserved/smuggled out of Mother Russia. Fuuuuck, I wanna read this now.
Azovka
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2018
This series sounds like a national treasure and needs to be preserved/smuggled out of Mother Russia. Fuuuuck, I wanna read this now.
It is actually pretty damn popular in Russia, moreso than Harry Potter among certain communities. Personally, I've read and enjoyed both as a kid, but the Russian version really struck me as more developed and appealing, so to speak?
For one, Slavic folkore is great. And the world itself feels way bigger. Like there's not just 3 magical schools with no universities for the entire Europe and job opportunities solely in Diagon Alley or the Ministry.
The Russian equivalent of Diagon Alley is actually the Bald Mountain, an entire city sprawling on the eponymous mountain (like the one from the Witcher 3). And there's wizard TV (where the hero's roommate actually goes working after graduating), radio, cinema, fashion shows, commerce, tech and innovation, diplomatic embassies of vampires, werewolves, etc.
Speaking of limited job market employment in Harry Potter - the latest books in the gopnik version actually deal with it by having subplots where a lot of the graduates just go back to the Muggle world and either scam lotteries or pretend to read the future or other menial bs like that since food and clothes etc. aren't exactly a problem with magic. Others find employment in the wizard retail sector, some go in journalism, or politics. Also there are universities where you can earn PhDs. Actually the in-universe Hogwarts doubles down as one.
Also, there are some semi-official English translations of the first 7 books for free on this site apparently https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3463868.Dmitrii_Aleksandrovich_Emets/blog . That's the author's blog. He links to them in his posts. Though again, not sure how much it holds up without knowing Slavic folkore and all.
Or well, for kids' books anyways
Anyways, point is - the world of Gopnik Potter is actually in many aspects more coherent and better written than the OG one.
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2014
At least we have someone out there challenging Rowling's integrity all the way.It is actually pretty damn popular in Russia, moreso than Harry Potter among certain communities. Personally, I've read and enjoyed both as a kid, but the Russian version really struck me as more developed and appealing, so to speak?
For one, Slavic folkore is great. And the world itself feels way bigger. Like there's not just 3 magical schools with no universities for the entire Europe and job opportunities solely in Diagon Alley or the Ministry.
The Russian equivalent of Diagon Alley is actually the Bald Mountain, an entire city sprawling on the eponymous mountain (like the one from the Witcher 3). And there's wizard TV (where the hero's roommate actually goes working after graduating), radio, cinema, fashion shows, commerce, tech and innovation, diplomatic embassies of vampires, werewolves, etc.
Speaking of limited job market employment in Harry Potter - the latest books in the gopnik version actually deal with it by having subplots where a lot of the graduates just go back to the Muggle world and either scam lotteries or pretend to read the future or other menial bs like that since food and clothes etc. aren't exactly a problem with magic. Others find employment in the wizard retail sector, some go in journalism, or politics. Also there are universities where you can earn PhDs. Actually the in-universe Hogwarts doubles down as one.
Also, there are some semi-official English translations of the first 7 books for free on this site apparently https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3463868.Dmitrii_Aleksandrovich_Emets/blog . That's the author's blog. He links to them in his posts. Though again, not sure how much it holds up without knowing Slavic folkore and all.
Or well, for kids' books anyways
Anyways, point is - the world of Gopnik Potter is actually in many aspects more coherent and better written than the OG one.
Zaryiu
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Oct 29, 2017
It's almost like in the hands of a non-hacksthe series might been been interesting but no we have to have our wizards be reta.rds and the world revolves around a ginger, a cunt and a boy who has the sliver platter handing everything everything to win.
So the lawsuit actually happened because J K couldn't handle someone taking what she wrote and making it betterIt was banned because of a lawsuit by J.K. Rowling for plagiarism. And tbf, the first book has pretty much the same plot as Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone, but beyond that, the series diverges widely. Here's more info if you want. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tanya_Grotter
Beyond that, there's really not much point in translating it since the series heavily relies on Russian folkore and Slavic mythology. And if you're not familiar with it, then half the jokes or plot points are kind of missed.
The only reason I mentioned it is because the world-building is on point, and the whole "Quidditch makes no sense" reminded me of how much better the gopnik Harry Potter series was.
Below are book plots, if you're interested. (Also, the hero of this series is not the "Chosen One" past the first book. Even her scar (which was a major plot point in the first book) disappears, or rather its power is spent after fighting the villain.)
Book 1 : The Magic Contrabass (Russian equivalent of broomsticks that people fly on)
Basically the first HP book, only instead of the Philosopher's stone, you have the Elder's Hair (in Slavic folkore, wizards used to split hairs from their beards and perform magic with them, hence the name).
Also of note, he Russian Hogwarts doubles down as a prison for the Old Gods of chaos and destruction (think Lovecraftian horrors) that are imprisoned in the catacombs under the castle, and the Elder's Hair strengthens the defenses to stop them from escaping. Climax involves the Russian Voldemort putting a student under the Imperius curse to destroy the Hair, thus upsetting the balance while most of the school is distracted by a Dragonball game against werewolves.
An entire floor of the castle has been cursed and disappears periodically, with students being on it never to return. The school has to temporarily close to deal with it (which actually reminds me that Hogwarts never closed during the Chamber of Secrets events, which makes absolutely no sense. Like, why would you put your students at risk instead of temporarily closing and calling in the Ministry to help?). Anyways.
So, most of the book is the hero and her friends being sent back to the "Muggles" and them trying to covertly practice Dragonball at night while being hunted down by a mysterious figure.
Then, supposedly the Floor has been dealt with, and everyone returns to the castle, only to later be ambushed by students and teachers under the Imperius curse that are trying to revive the Russian Voldemort, who did die in the previous book's events, but whose shade / imprint has survived in a mirror on the Disappearing Floor. The hero realizing she's only a First Year and sucks at magic just ends up breaking the mirror by throwing stones and debris at it.
A magical storm hits the highest tower of the castle and puts in motion a very old prophecy about forces of Evil rising and stuff. A golden leech is found by the teachers in a newly discovered attic following the storm, and the hero just takes it at random after spying on her professors with the castle's ghosts, just out of curiosity.
Then, during a lesson in "Defense against Evil Spirits" gone wrong, a malicious genie of bad luck is freed, and starts roaming the corridors of the school, unseen. The rest of the events is influenced by the bad luck he brings.
The hero prepares for the most important Dragonball match in her career thus far, against Harry Potter and his Hogwarts team, or well their universe equivalent - called The Invisibles because they hide under invisibility cloaks during the match.
During the match, her double bass breaks, and its strings break, releasing the Curse of the Hanged Men (her double bass was unique and special and all), and time is reset.
So she ends up in a parallel dimension of sorts, where Voldemort has taken over the school and is trying to free his fellow Gods of chaos and destruction that are still imprisoned in the catacombs. To do so, he has the brilliant idea of summoning enough stone idols to teleport onto the Great Turtle (like the one from the Discworld series, that carries the world). If they manage to disrupt the turtle even a little bit, or even make it sneeze, it should be enough for the gates of the prison of the Old Gods to collapse. And the hero has to stop him while he's trying to zerg the Turtle.
The Golden Leech helps, and time is reset back to normal.
The supply of magic of the school begins to wane after several magical artifacts are stolen (yes, in this universe, wizards derive their power from mystic, old artifacts, a sort of magic fuel if you will. Or Lyrium from the Dragon Age series. Which means that the supply is finite, and at some point in time, the magic will run out for good). So the students are sent back to the Muggles again while the school investigates the thefts.
There's a huge secondary plot that spans the rest of the series involving the uncle of the protagonist (Russian Vernon Dursley basically) turning out to be the grand-something child of Dracula and inheriting the title of Master of Vampires, even though he is a Muggle and is scared of drinking even tomato juice, let alone seeing blood.
Several events later, turns out that the magical artifacts were being stolen by a visiting professor - a crazy Englishman who everyone had dismissed as a joke because he had schizophrenia and thought himself to be Salieri, the guy who assassinated Mozart.
Oh, and instead of Dragonball matches, the book features a competition of Witches' Huts on chicken legs (from Slavic Mythology). Like Olympics basically, where the huts have some orientation exercises, marathons, races with obstacles etc.
Here's an image of said hut. It's really, really well-known in Russian folkore. Baba Yaga (the OG evil witch) lives in one for instance.
Here, the world-building becomes more elaborate. Basically, it is said that the our human world is connected to the Underworld and to the Heavens where Gods dwell by a World Tree. Like the Yggdrasil from Norse mythology, the big holy tree at the center of the universe. And its physical incarnation on Earth got cut down for firewood by dumb cyclops (who serve as the security guard of the Russian Hogwarts).
So, some Gods of the Slavic Pantheon like Perun, Veles, Triglav and Simorg got pissed and decided to invade Earth. Only they can reach Earth only through a portal the hero has opened by accident in her dresser's mirror to piss off her roommate. So their journey takes some time, and they agree to stop their planned invasion if the wizards can "give them back what was stolen from them".
For her mistake of dealing with unknown forces for petty reasons like getting back at a roommate, the hero is punished by the headmaster and basically downgraded from Russian Gryffindor to Slytherin. She also quits the Dragonball team for awhile and goes full emo, which is unsurprising coming from a teenager.
Then, there's a Dragonball match against the Polar Spirits' team during the Winter Solstice (which gives them immense powers), and after it, the faculty figures out that the shit that was stolen from the Slavic Gods was the Staff of the Magi - the staff the Magi used when visiting baby Jesus and that was cut from the World Tree. Turns out, it has been stolen by some vampires who had hoped to use it to kill Uncle Vernon Dursley, the new Master of Vampires from the previous book. (Since vampires don't really like being ruled by a Muggle, and they couldn't kill him otherwise because along with the title, he inherited Dracula's regalia - a magic sword, a crown, and boots that made him quasi-invincible).
So the hero has to fly back to Moscow to try and get the staff back on New Year's Eve, and all turns out well.
(Also there's a subplot where the English Harry Potter falls in love with the hero after she performs a love spell for the memes. And other girls from the school try to get cupids (who are mail delivery guys in-universe) to strike him with love arrows to make him love them instead, and the poor guy spends most of the book in a quite literal love fever).
An Old Slavic God from the previous book tries again to reach Earth, and attacks several students, stealing what they cherish the most from them - magic for one, strength for another, and beauty for a third.
Meanwhile, Tanya, the hero, tries to deal with the love triangle she accidentally created, and stumbles on the shield of Theseus (from Greek mythology, the one that killed Medusa (who incidentally, is one of the teachers at the school), while trying to meet one of her love interests outside in the snow.
Turns out, Perun - the God of Thunder, think Slavic Zeus / Thor, wasn't the one attacking the school, but it was Triglav, the God of Pestilence and Plague instead (for the memes). And the hero sees it with the shield of Theseus, whose surface is reflective and shows the "real" image of a person.
The Russian Dumbledore summons the real Perun, who battles Triglav in an epic fight, wins, and everything goes back to normal. For her efforts in trying to be good, the hero is transferred back to Russian Gryffindor on probation.
The hero's Russian love interest Ivan and Harry Potter have an outlawed magical duel to decide who wins her heart. (Duels happen in the air, several kilometers above ground). Ivan wins. Harry Potter is knocked from his broomstick, falls somewhere, and is presumed dead. The problem is that Harry Potter is an in-universe insanely popular Dragonball celebrity, and as such, Ivan is labelled a criminal and murderer and has to flee to the Muggle World while people are looking for Harry Potter, or at least his corpse. He ends up being caught and sent to Dubodam, the Russian equivalent of Azkaban.
At the same time, Gopnikdemort tries to come back to life once again, and promises Tanya a way to get into Dubodam to save her love interest in exchange for her blood. She accepts, goes on an infiltration mission into the prison with her friend, and saves Ivan and defeats Gopnikdemort with the help of the titular Pince-nez of Noah, basically glasses that help you see through illusions.
Meanwhile turns out Harry Potter ain't dead. While falling, he summoned the Ark of Noah (in-universe equivalent of the Knight Bus), and was peacefully asleep on it after getting a concussion. He is found by the vampires in the employ of Uncle Vernon, who were just trying to use the Ark to overthrow their esteemed King once again.
Entire book happens in an alternate universe, based on Avatar the Air bender, where there are 4 nations - Water, Earth, Fire, and Air. Several Hogwarts students, or well their doubles end up in these nations with mysterious golden bracelets on their hands, and no recollection of their past / alternate lives. Tanya herself just ends up an amnesiac with no affiliation to any nation. Oh, and the world is infested with creatures straight from the Witcher, so Tanya befriends a local thief / hunter to help her out.
All of the students follow the directions that the golden bracelets brand on their skin periodically, and end up together. Turns out, it was an evil mage turned lich that summoned them to this universe after the hero's great-grand-father banished him there. And he needs their blood and help to restore himself to full power. The students manage to defeat them with the help of an Albatross and the titular boots of the centaur, and the knowledge they learned along the way in their alternate-universe adventures.
A mysterious pink smoke is seen in a lesser European magic university, whose students and faculty then proceed to vanish mysteriously.
Meanwhile, Hogwarts gets its first transfer students, sort of - 3 necromancers that got caught in the forest, and who the Ministry hopes will be rehabilitated.
The mysterious pink smoke appears on the island soon enough, and all the adults disappear, with no exception. The students try to investigate the matter, and it turns out that the smoke is a symptom of the curse of wrong choices that affects only grown-ups.
Basically, everyone has a moment in their lives where they wish they would've made another choice, and end up regretting the one they made for the rest of their lives. For a teacher for instance, it manifested as him leaving his treasured Pegasus friend in a forest for 15 minutes, and coming back to see him eaten by necrophages because he tied up his reins to a tree out of habit.
Another teacher was egging her sister to play parkour with her and jump across some buildings, not a big jump mind you. And her sister ended up falling and dying. For yet another it was betraying his master. That sort of thing, you see.
Anyways, turns out the smoke and the curse originate from something called the "well of Poseidon", which is a trench fault that supposedly originated from where Poseidon struck down a giant sea serpent with his trident ages ago.
Tanya and the necromancers fly out there to try and stop the phenomenon, while Hogwarts is under siege by vampires who take the opportunity of all the adults (and actual good mages) being gone to seize control of it.
The remaining 5 books have more to do with a love triangle between the hero, and her Betty and Veronica, respectively Ivan, a Russian ordinary guy that likes to take care of magical animals, and a dangerous alluring necromancer and transfer student. Thus, I won't bother summing them up beyond what I just did. So uhm yeah.
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Azovka
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 7, 2018
I guess? Though tbf the Russian author did say that he didn’t mind losing the lawsuit seen as the books wouldn’t have been popular in Western Europe due to their heavy reliance on the Russian folklore, culture, and “spirit”.
- Joined
- Mar 29, 2014
So they're saying old wizards were pretty much on a Stone Age level -- except I'm pretty sure even cavemen didn't crap just anywhere.
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- Joined
- Sep 25, 2014
I would think they didn't step out of the Medieval period.
M
MW 002
Guest
kiwifarms.net
I remember reading a really crude translation of this series years ago, and as someone with a little bit of knowledge about Slavic folklore, I can safely say that it’s a lot better than HP.It is actually pretty damn popular in Russia, moreso than Harry Potter among certain communities. Personally, I've read and enjoyed both as a kid, but the Russian version really struck me as more developed and appealing, so to speak?
For one, Slavic folkore is great. And the world itself feels way bigger. Like there's not just 3 magical schools with no universities for the entire Europe and job opportunities solely in Diagon Alley or the Ministry.
The Russian equivalent of Diagon Alley is actually the Bald Mountain, an entire city sprawling on the eponymous mountain (like the one from the Witcher 3). And there's wizard TV (where the hero's roommate actually goes working after graduating), radio, cinema, fashion shows, commerce, tech and innovation, diplomatic embassies of vampires, werewolves, etc.
Speaking of limited job market employment in Harry Potter - the latest books in the gopnik version actually deal with it by having subplots where a lot of the graduates just go back to the Muggle world and either scam lotteries or pretend to read the future or other menial bs like that since food and clothes etc. aren't exactly a problem with magic. Others find employment in the wizard retail sector, some go in journalism, or politics. Also there are universities where you can earn PhDs. Actually the in-universe Hogwarts doubles down as one.
Also, there are some semi-official English translations of the first 7 books for free on this site apparently https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/3463868.Dmitrii_Aleksandrovich_Emets/blog . That's the author's blog. He links to them in his posts. Though again, not sure how much it holds up without knowing Slavic folkore and all.
Or well, for kids' books anyways
Anyways, point is - the world of Gopnik Potter is actually in many aspects more coherent and better written than the OG one.
The author seems like a pretty chill guy.
- Joined
- Feb 11, 2016
The Virgin Rowling
-files plagiarism charges on competing books so they won't get published in english
-"wizards don't poo in the loo"
-Declares characters gay and black long after the chance to depict them as such
-Woke on twitter
-Rants about trannies
-Constantly bullied
-White Anglo Privilege womanchild
-Lives in gated community on Inbred Isle
vs
The Chad Gopnik
-bases everything on his peoples mythos
-gives 0 fucks
-no tweets exposing major flaws
-doesn't rant about things, thick skin
-would bully Rowling, if he cared to do so
-Slav master race
-Lives out a chad life in the wild and fun lands of eastern europe.
-files plagiarism charges on competing books so they won't get published in english
-"wizards don't poo in the loo"
-Declares characters gay and black long after the chance to depict them as such
-Woke on twitter
-Rants about trannies
-Constantly bullied
-White Anglo Privilege womanchild
-Lives in gated community on Inbred Isle
vs
The Chad Gopnik
-bases everything on his peoples mythos
-gives 0 fucks
-no tweets exposing major flaws
-doesn't rant about things, thick skin
-would bully Rowling, if he cared to do so
-Slav master race
-Lives out a chad life in the wild and fun lands of eastern europe.
- Joined
- Aug 29, 2018
I don't think it applies to just to Harry Potter fandom either. Many fandom communities seem to forget that the 'worlds' these works of fiction create are mostly in service for allowing a story to take place and for character to interact with. Moreover, many of these details are result of the limitation of the medium, financial limitations or just completely random.
World-building and Watsonian literary analysis can be fun in small doses; but when abused it can result in the worst cases of Autism out there.
- Joined
- Oct 22, 2017
Late as hell, but I actually believed this for half a millisecond before realizing it was from clickhole
- Joined
- May 1, 2017
Dude, that sounds metal as fuck. I want to read this.
- Joined
- Nov 10, 2018