The Jungle Book (Jon Favreau version) = It got a ton of praise when it came out and I was like "Huh...really". Okay, it isn't a dumpster fire and isn't a beat for beat remake of the original, so I can at least excuse it for that. However, as I've said before, the scene with Kaa perfectly captures everything good and everything bad about the movie in one scene. Acting from the kid that played Mowgli? Solid. Voice acting and animation of the animals? Mostly good. Clumsy exposition and nonsense writing? Yep! I've jokingly called Kaa in this film the Exposition Snake, as she literally shows up and drops a bunch of backstory of Mowgli....why she does this, I have absolutely no idea, but it happened.
Also, I much preferred the original film's take on Sher Khan in that he is actively hunting for Mowgli, creating tension throughout the film as Mowgli could run into him at any moment. Here, he takes over the Wolves' lair and waits for Mowgli to come to him. Because, you know, the Jungle is known for its transmitting of information and I'm sure the recent developments will get back to Mowgli and he'll come running right back. Its like Khan made a wish upon a star and just hoped for Mowgli to come back to him. Major misfire.
Cinderella = Admittedly, Cinderella was never one of my favorites, so I never had much personal investment in this, but once again, I found this film to be clumsy. Looked gorgeous in parts, but the acting is a bit off (The Stepmother is not menacing at all) and by making Cinderella smarter and more capable, they actually made the story make less sense....why doesn't she just leave? The film even asks this question and we don't get a satisfying answer. It just makes Cinderella look like a glutton for punishment.
Compare this to the original film where she's, for all intents and purposes, kept prisoner and doesn't know what life is like outside of her cottage. Doesn't that make more sense to making Cinderella sympathetic and make her ultimate victory even better? I rewatched the animated version after watching the live action one and I gained a new appreciation for it. The ending of the animated version is almost Hitchcock-like, and Cinderella whipping out the 2nd slipper at the end is a huge fucking fist pump/mic drop moment. With all its flaws (Prince is dull and has no character, talking mice can get a little grating), I still managed to be more satisfied with it than the live action update.
Alice in Wonderland = This is when I started to accept that Burton had lost his magic touch. Give Tim Burton Alice in Wonderland in 89-92? If it isn't good, you are at least going to get something batshit crazy and weird? At this stage of his career, what we got in this film was a very confusing ripoff of Narnia. Seriously, it is basically a crappy version of The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, but in Wonderland. I fell asleep in the theater when I saw it, so that should tell you something.
Maleficent = This might be the worst. Its funny because the main complaint for some of these films is that it is just a rehash of what came before it without being able to stand on its own. Well, this movie changed the most and tried to make something different, but it ended up making something so bombastically stupid, I can't believe somebody got paid to write a script for it.
What I was hoping for with this film is that we would get to see Sleeping Beauty, as it was in the original film, but told from Maleficent's point of view. What was going on in the 16 years between the Christening of the princess and when she is ultimately found? Will she lose power and the fear she's cultivated if her promise to end the princesses life is not fulfilled? How desperate does she get, and on and on and on.
This felt like bad fan fiction that somehow got greenlit. Apparently, Maleficent is SOOOOOO awesome, that she is both the hero and the villain of her own story. The King is a douchebag that broke her heart (what?), the three fairies (the protagonists of the original film IMO) are blithering idiots that can barely wipe their asses, and she finds Aurora within a day of her going to into hiding, making the entire in-between period completely pointless. This was just dumb, dumb, DUMB and it made a truckload of money. I guess it is hard for me to get mad at Disney when we as people are stupid enough to shell out money for this slop.
I get it, you're trying to be Wicked, but this was a sorry and misguided attempt, in just about every way.
Beauty and the Beast = Straight up, they just made the animated version again, but shittier. Almost everything about it is a downgrade. Emma Watson can't sing worth a lick, I felt absolutely NOTHING for the relationship between Belle and the Beast, the additions actually create more plotholes, and the entire time I was watching it, I was just wishing I was watching the original. And with all the talk of making Le Fou gay, I have to question everyone being happy about that. They took the dumb idiot sidekick to the bad guy whose name literally translates to "The Fool" and made him the gay representative in the film. Good going guys. You really got that much needed victory for gay representation (though fuck it, I have read articles about people being pissed that Pennywise isn't a gay ally, so what do I know?).
Aladdin = This was the one that broke me. I saw it and I said "Never again". I've watched too many of these shitty remakes as it is and I am becoming more resentful. Sadly, it isn't even among the worst that they've done, but like Beauty and the Beast, everything about it is just a downgrade from the original. The only sequences I kind of liked were Friend Like Me and this dance sequence at the palace that was pretty neat. Everything else was just pain. Pure...pain. Why does Genie need a love interest? Why does everything look shittier than the near 30 year old cartoon (compare the two Cave of Wonders)? Why is Jafar not menacing at all? Why did they go to the trouble of casting a voice actor like Alan Tundyk to play Iago when all he does is squawk like a normal parrot? And why is Aladdin kind of a douche? Seriously, the Aladdin/Genie friendship was the heart of the original film to me, and here, I just wanted Genie to slap the fuck out of him. (Look at the scene in the original where Aladdin tells Genie he can't set him free and compare it to the new one).
But hey! They expanded Jasmine's role and gave her a new song and everything to get woke points...except the song amounted to nothing as she ultimately failed anyway. Speechless? More like Pointless, am I right?
The Lion King = I didn't see it. I straight up refused too. I looked at the trailers and said "Its a shot for shot remake, isn't it?" and sure enough, everyone told me that is exactly what it was. Well, with an additional half hours worth of material. Cause, you know, the Lion King needed an extra half hour. I did listen to the new version of Be Prepared and I got insulted. They straight up did not try. They made this solely to cash in on nostalgia and just farted this into existence. The other ones I listed AT LEAST tried to do something a little different to at least lie to us that they made something new. This was just the mouse going "Fuck it, we'll slap Lion King on this and make a billion because whatever, fuck you".
Christopher Robin = Okay, technically, this is not a remake, but rather Disney's version of "Hook" where we get to see the futures of the characters from the classic stories and, to be perfectly honest, I actually really liked it. Seriously, this is by far the best of the shitty attempts to cash in on an established properly that Disney has made in the last few years and the overall reaction to it was ho-hum. Critics were meh towards it and it didn't make bank at the box office, and it had some legitimate heart and soul to it. I'm not saying it is a masterpiece or anything, but it stayed faithful to the characters, had a nice performance from Ewan McGregor, and was overall a sweet and fun film that legitimately did something different with the established properly...and this is the one that gets no attention. Ugh.
From what I've heard, the Pete's Dragon remake is the one I would like, and to be honest, I am not opposed to that one being remade as the original doesn't exactly hold up as a timeless classic. BUT, Pete's Dragon doesn't have the huge nostalgia cult surrounding it, so nobody saw it. How sad is that?