Would you change for your loved one? - If a person you love ask you to change fundamental aspects of your personality would you do it?

[Indigo! the color]

If a person you love ask you to change fundamental aspects of your personality in order to be with her/him, would you do it?

I'm not talking of the slowly changes that occur naturally that can be seen as personal growth (like be more patient or to appreaciate the small things and such). I'm talking about "change x aspect of your personality or we broke up".

 

[Bassomatic]

No. You love someone for who they are, on a core level. We may wish change or improvement from a partner friend etc, but it's whom they are deep down.

We are living fucking breathing humans, not projects or toys to change. I've been in healthy and unhealthy relationships, loving someone for who they could be is the most painful thing you can do to yourself, and in many ways a partner. Because you love the idea of them more than them in reality.

It's absolutely ego and heart crushing to be on the side of being "loved" for whom you could be.

We change as people in our lives and as we have a life, but maybe you don't like loud noises anymore and don't go to concerts a favorite passed time, you still love that person for whom they are deep down their core. It's rare peoples true selves 180 or change even 20 degrees. While people change all the time.

I can safely say now, because I've had to do it, if you gave me that ultimatum, I'd be myself, and since I'm a caring person and like to help, pack your shit up and get you out of my fucking house.

I hope I don't come off like billy badass, or preachy but if someone says you can't say X or watch sports anymore etc or we are done, they don't love you. Sit them down talk to them, and figure if this can be fixed because life is short don't be with someone who doesn't love you. If no one loves you, you probably just are an awful person, with absurd standards as birds of a shit feather even flock.

 

[Corbin Dallas Multipass]

I suppose it depends on how you view that aspect of your own personality. If you view it as a flaw, it could be a good motivator for you to change it. If not, it gets more complicated.

It also depends on how much that particular thing actually affects the other person. If they're just trying to exert control over you then that's no good. If it bothers them somehow then maybe it's worth considering?

Really, without an idea of the type of personality aspect you are talking about, it's really hard to say. But if someone's willing to use your relationship as leverage against you that's already a bad sign. But then if it's because you're shooting up heroin instead of taking care of your kid, it's not so unreasonable.

Now I'm going to throw out a wild guess, based on the forum we are on. I imagine the personality aspect is either that you play video games too much, or you watch too much titty anime.

 

[Okkervils]

If it was affecting them and myself negativity... Like alcoholism or something, maybe?

If it's something I like about myself and it doesn't hurt me, no.

 

[Red Hood]

Relevant music.

 

[Golly]

The way you've phrased it, no. If I were demonstrating harmful behavior (abuse/neglect/laziness/being withholding) to either of us or the relationship as a whole, then that ultimatum would be founded. Otherwise, I wouldn't change, nor would I want to continue in a relationship with someone who demanded I change my actual personality on a dime. I'd actually be confused about why they entered the relationship in the first place if they didn't appreciate the base elements of who I am.

 

[Indigo! the color]

Now I'm going to throw out a wild guess, based on the forum we are on. I imagine the personality aspect is either that you play video games too much, or you watch too much titty anime

Lmao.

Don't get me wrong pls, I think change it's necessary for any relationship but, that type of change come naturally as one gets wiser. And yes, being an alcoholic or a crack addict is a good reason for an ultimatum, I completely agree with you on that.

 

[Bassomatic]

Lmao.

Spoiler: Slight :powerlevel:

I'm a very emotional person and sometimes labeled as 'artsy'. (well, I draw, so...) He doesn't like that. He is more serious, and cold. That person thought in the past I "was 'very much like him' but he was wrong."

Since you are gonna power level, what's wrong with it in his eyes? Often people are drawn to the other side, as long as stable, I mean like he should really enjoy your artistic and emotional side as long as you don't smother him with it.

Just because you are into drawing and express your feelings, what's different core wise? Does he see these as a big enough split?

Unless you two are not communicating how your differences are a split and not a strength, or there's more on the table (and while I'm quite happy to help people, don't post it here for god sake this still is KF) what's the difference?

Think of it this way, don't be a head in the cloud flower child, but embrace those sides of you, and don't let him be a cold Prussian father but work together on it. A house is much better when a Mason and a carpenter work together but not so much when the mason has to hammer nails you dig?

 

[Cripple]

A good partner encourages you to be your best self. If they're asking you to change a behavior that does no real harm to anyone or the relationship-- dump them.

However if the behavior obstructs the relationship or harms others (an addiction, irresponsibility etc.) it's time for some introspection.

 

[Indigo! the color]

Since you are gonna power level, what's wrong with it in his eyes? Often people are drawn to the other side, as long as stable, I mean like he should really enjoy your artistic and emotional side as long as you don't smother him with it.

Just because you are into drawing and express your feelings, what's different core wise? Does he see these as a big enough split?

Unless you two are not communicating how your differences are a split and not a strength, or there's more on the table (and while I'm quite happy to help people, don't post it here for god sake this still is KF) what's the difference?

Think of it this way, don't be a head in the cloud flower child, but embrace those sides of you, and don't let him be a cold Prussian father but work together on it. A house is much better when a Mason and a carpenter work together but not so much when the mason has to hammer nails you dig?

Yup, I hate to pw but I thought it would give more context. Anyway, I woul love to see what people had to say about this topic. Also I think the question can be applied to all kind of intimate relationships, like siblings, friends, ect.

 

[PantsFreeZone]

No, because I fear change. And fuck other people and their expectations.

Either join me in my desire to form Right Wing Death Squads or be destroyed.

 

[drtoboggan]

Fuck no. I’d tell the bitch to suck a bag of nuts.

 

[Bassomatic]

Yup, I hate to pw but I thought it would give more context. Anyway, I woul love to see what people had to say about this topic. Also I think the question can be applied to all kind of intimate relationships, like siblings, friends, ect.

I do think it applies to all but both from your first post, and when you expanded on it, it was kinda clearly about S/Os. SOs are a bit different as we often seek other side of the coin while friends etc start from sharing hobbies and all. Not to say we don't see eye to eye on lots of things with friends.

Fuck no. I’d tell the bitch to suck a bag of nuts.

But what if that's what you are fighting about she's not doing just that?

 

[The Fool]

I'd slap her and tell her to get me another beer or else I'll get the belt out again.

 

[Bassomatic]

I'd slap her and tell her to get me another beer or else I'll get the belt out again.

 

[RG 448]

We fought about it for a few days until she finally realized it was unfair to force me to get genital reduction surgery just so we could finally share a king bed.

 

[Corbin Dallas Multipass]

Ah, so they don't want you to be emotional and artsy? I imagine even if you actually wanted to do that, you couldn't.

Like I said earlier, it's a bad sign if someone's willing to use the relationship as leverage. Obviously it's more important to them that you change than that the relationship stays together. Best case scenario, it's always going to be a point of contention, worst case scenario, they're just controlling and it's just going to keep getting worse.

But are you sure it's not actually video games and/or titty anime? Come on, admit it. It's ok. Nobody has the right to take away your vidja or tiddies.

 

[Indigo! the color]

But are you sure it's not actually video games and/or titty anime? Come on, admit it. It's ok. Nobody has the right to take away your vidja or tiddies.

I will fight for my right of watching big tiddy animated goth girls till da end.

 

[drtoboggan]

I do think it applies to all but both from your first post, and when you expanded on it, it was kinda clearly about S/Os. SOs are a bit different as we often seek other side of the coin while friends etc start from sharing hobbies and all. Not to say we don't see eye to eye on lots of things with friends.


But what if that's what you are fighting about she's not doing just that?

She can still suck a sack of balls.

 

[FierceBrosnan]

Tl;dr mishmash of personal experience ahead.

In the past I always wanted to please others, be anything the person I was with wanted because I thought deep down it would make them happy and they would stay. I found that changing for someone else always led to that person leaving, that I was no longer the person they had fallen for, and I had changed because they kept dropping hints or saying things expressing "hey I don't like this thing about you". I'd do anything and everything, I'd grow out my hair, gain weight, lose weight, give up hobbies, give up friends, adopt new ones, change my style, you name it I probably did it all and they still left me. Always the same "you changed!" bullshit when I only did what they asked of me. And then I hit a point where I no longer cared about the opinion of others, where I stopped denying myself the hobbies I enjoy, or my short hair and sideburns, my love of exercise ( yeah dated a girl that hated me for having muscle), all of those things I gave up in the past because the changes made me miserable. That every time without fail my love turned into deep resentment for the person I sacrificed the things I enjoyed for their perceived happiness.

So don't change for someone else especially if it means giving up the things you love, enjoy, and make you who you are. You'll only hate them for it in the end.