12 Angry Folx (Remake, 2026)
Twelve jurors sit around a CGI-rendered table in a CGI-rendered room to debate the verdict of a case involving a racist white cop shooting a poor, innocent black teenager who was just taking food out of his Meals on Wheels van to give to the elderly.
Juror #1 - A strong, proud woman of color. Lesbian.
Juror #2 - A strong, proud, fatter woman of color. Also a lesbian.
Juror #3 - A proud, disabled a-gender, aro/ace enby with blue hair.
Juror #4 - A mixed-race MtF trans person.
Juror #5 - A mixed-race FtM trans person.
Juror #6 - A mixed-race enby with quirky Hollywood autism.
Juror #7 - An Indian immigrant, intelligent and well-spoken. A doctor in his home country, reduced to call center work in America because of racism.
Juror #8 - Henry Cavill. The only white man, and therefore evil. Christian, and therefore evil. Heterosexual, and therefore evil. Wants to let the white cop off the hook because he's racist. Estranged from his son because he wouldn't support his son's transition.
Jurors #9 and #10 - Conjoined identical twins, one black, one white. One female, one MtF trans and therefore female, as well (you bigots).
Juror #11 - A token Asian male. Weak, easily bullied by the evil white man until the heroes of color set him free from his internalized racism.
Juror #12 - Another fat, black lesbian. Overflowing with folksy wisdom them wypipo just don't understand because they have no souls.
Instead of a tight character drama about the importance of taking your civic duties seriously, the remake will be a vehicle for important social justice narratives like "white people are evil racists" and "all cops are bad." Racist white male Juror #8 argues that the innocent black victim had it coming because "you know how those people are." The rest of the movie will consist of a series of lectures as the remaining characters browbeat him into agreeing to a death sentence for the white cop using every social justice talking point possible. Juror #1 will grab him by the shoulders and tearfully demand he empathize with her ten dead black children, all of whom were shot in cold blood by white cops for fun. Juror #2 will tearfully explain to him how many times she was raped for being a lesbian in America. Juror #7 will tearfully break down because white people don't understand how many quadrillions of immigrants are slain every single second in America. At the end of the film, they'll all realize that civic responsibilities like jury duty are only there to prop up the existing white-male-centric power structures, and the entire justice system is rigged against minorities. The entire thing will be live-Tweeted, and every two minutes, the movie will cut to brown people all across the world waiting with bated breath for them to make the right decision and send whitey to the gas chamber. Also, every other line will be a tongue-in-cheek joke dripping with irony, because a self-serious drama without bathos is literally unwatchable.
I hate myself for writing all that almost as much as I hate modern Hollywood.