Write a Horrible Modern Hollywood Rendition of a Classic Film's Sequel/Reboot

Robocop but Murphy has gender dysphoria. So he will be thinking about trooning out before the accident and by the end he will troon out, become Robomaam, therefore empowering cause OCP didnt actually exploit him. In the ending, when told "Nice shootin son, whats your name" he will go "Its Maam". Honestly Frank Millers Robohomophobe comic would actually be a good Robocop sequel.
 
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Together with a retired T-800 (Schwarzenegger) living incognito as an openly gay elderly civilian within the conservative American south,

holy shit I laughed and gagged at the same time


this stretches the premise of the thread, as it features not a classic film but a classic character. I'm going to contribute a rewrite of The Batman - Part II (which is already in filming and it's definitely not going to be this... I hope)

those of you unfortunate enough to have friends and/or family members who are fans of capeshit may remember the last movie ending with a mysterious figure addressing the Riddler from offscreen...

The crying, screaming Riddler is consoled by a jailmate. “What is it they say?” the inmate says. “One day you’re on top. The next, you’re a clown.” The camera leaves their cells and one can hear them cackling with laughter like maniacs.

the movie opens with Batman speeding towards Arkham, which is now embroiled in utter chaos as the inmates have inexplicably broken free. he is, of course, too late. he begins clamping down on the escapees as soon as he arrives, only to witness from afar as the mastermind emerges from the smoke - it is Laverne Cox in ruined drag makeup, followed by a small man in similarly improvised clownish getup (played by Timothee Chalamet). with a sassy toss of her curiously clean and well-kept hair, she gives a parting smirk to the Batman and says to her companion, "Come, Dr. Quinn. This party is just getting started" to which he replies, "You're always such a joker, babe." the two disappear into the crowd as the music swells into the title card cut.
 
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Alien 6: Transition

By the time this film is created Sigourney Weaver will already be dead. To replace her, they cast Gabourey Sidibe.

Gabourey-Sidibe-Pregnant-Expecting-Twins-With-Husband-Brandon-Frankel-Double-the-Fun-098.jpg


I have no idea what the plot is but there will be a scene where a Marine Squad Captain, played by Steve Buschemi, tells Ripley that her fatass needs to lose weight if she wants to successfully help them exterminate the xenomorph hive. Ripley flies into a tard rage him in the testicles. Ass he's writhing on the floor clutching his nuts, Ripley snaps her 2-inch coffin-manicured fingers, and with a sassy nod of her head says "don't you sass me, ho." A bunch of gay marines standing behind her slowly start clapping yelling "YASSSS KWEEN" and "You tell em, girlfrien!" One marine stands in silence, slowly turns to the camera, and proclaims "Well that just happened."

There will also be a scene where Ripley observes the xenomorphs and realizes there are xenomorph gay couples. She tells the Marine Squad Captain to leave the xenomorphs alone and the homophobic Squad Captain tells her to go fuck herself. He slowly becomes the villain as Ripley and the other crew figure out ways to protect the xenomorph's and dispose of the evil white man. Ripley takes a tranny marine under her wing, played by Dylan Mulvaney, and the two bond over femininity and how difficult it is to be a woman in space.

Also Ripley will adopt a child who's a gay nigger autist.
 
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Robocop but Murphy has gender dysphoria. So he will be thinking about trooning out before the accident and by the end he will troon out, become Robomaam, therefore empowering cause OCP didnt actually exploit him. In the ending, when told "Nice shootin son, whats your name" he will go "Its Maam". Honestly Frank Millers Robohomophobe comic would actually be a good Robocop sequel.
There'll be a sequel and between the action scenes Robocop will be shown acting like a tremendous mentally ill faggot by demanding the engineers to give him new chest armor that's shaped with DD breasts. He gets this done but he later still throws bitch fits and demands for more feminine hips, a large metal ass, and facial reconstruction surgery. Every time they attempt to object he threatens to kill himself.

By the time the final scene with Cain rolls around, Robocop has been completely augmented to appear as a true and honest robomaam. Cain tells Robocop “you look like a goddamn faggot”, Robocop then remarks “It’s ma’am” before ripping his brain out, thus snuffing the life out of an evil transphobe.
 
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There'll be a sequel and between the action scenes Robocop will be shown acting like a tremendous mentally ill faggot by demanding the engineers to give him new chest armor that's shaped with DD breasts. He gets this done but he later still throws bitch fits and demands for more feminine hips, a large metal ass, and facial reconstruction surgery. Every time they attempt to object he threatens to kill himself.

By the time the final scene with Cain rolls around, Robocop has been completely augmented to appear as a true and honest robomaam. Cain tells Robocop “you look like a goddamn faggot”, Robocop then remarks “It’s ma’am” before ripping his brain out, thus snuffing the life out of an evil transphobe.

I'd like to add that ED-209 sues OCP for being ableist as there are no robot friendly ramps and she (ED identifies as a female identified transbot) cannot use stairs.
 
A gender-flip feminist desecration of Groundhog Day. A sassy female anchor is sent to cover George Floyd day on a very hot May day in Minneapolis. She is stuck in May 25 on rotation dodging sexual harrassment advances of her priviliged white make co-anchor and develops PTSD from having to cover this tragic piece of Black History, but gradually begins to accept her status as a coloniser and oppressor and .....

Fuck. Kill me.
 
Marty (1955)

Marty Piletti is an Italian-American butcher who lives in The Bronx with his mother. Unmarried at 34, the good-natured but socially awkward Marty faces constant badgering from family and friends to settle down, as they point out that all his brothers and sisters are already married (and divorced), most of them with children. Not averse to marriage but disheartened by his lack of prospects, Marty has reluctantly resigned himself to bachelorhood he then gets so jaded he just ups and kills himself
.

Thats it.
Thats my modern take on marty.
 
2024 - Societal issues

Here we start with a strong obese black girlboss who is a nonbinary lesbian bigender xenogender transmasc POC with her partner, a transfem lesbian cutegender womanlet, both have autism and many disorders having a journey to riot with the other LGBT activists for trans advocacy and trans rights, abortion rights, Free Palestine, Ukraine and many more. Along with them are as equally vocal disturbed LGBT people wanting freedom to the left with their republicans down, cis scums down, transphobes down and kill all cops as the protagonist wants to be the prime minister to Sleepy Joe himself! Stay tuned.

That was it for now.
Fucking kill me for this shit, especially how much autism I put in.
 
Crank (2006)

Captured by the terrorist group MAGA nation, autistic trans activist Chevita Chelada is poisoned by a synthetic drug and is forced to keep her adrenaline going by bringing injustice to light and canceling her enemies on social media while also standing up even more actively for the oppressed by arguing with cops and bigots. She recruits a blue haired mobility scooter bound lesbian with a baseball bat to help her and so she goes forth to punish the Nazis and save the day while learning to live, laugh and love.
 
12 Angry Folx (Remake, 2026)
Twelve jurors sit around a CGI-rendered table in a CGI-rendered room to debate the verdict of a case involving a racist white cop shooting a poor, innocent black teenager who was just taking food out of his Meals on Wheels van to give to the elderly.

Juror #1 - A strong, proud woman of color. Lesbian.
Juror #2 - A strong, proud, fatter woman of color. Also a lesbian.
Juror #3 - A proud, disabled a-gender, aro/ace enby with blue hair.
Juror #4 - A mixed-race MtF trans person.
Juror #5 - A mixed-race FtM trans person.
Juror #6 - A mixed-race enby with quirky Hollywood autism.
Juror #7 - An Indian immigrant, intelligent and well-spoken. A doctor in his home country, reduced to call center work in America because of racism.
Juror #8 - Henry Cavill. The only white man, and therefore evil. Christian, and therefore evil. Heterosexual, and therefore evil. Wants to let the white cop off the hook because he's racist. Estranged from his son because he wouldn't support his son's transition.
Jurors #9 and #10 - Conjoined identical twins, one black, one white. One female, one MtF trans and therefore female, as well (you bigots).
Juror #11 - A token Asian male. Weak, easily bullied by the evil white man until the heroes of color set him free from his internalized racism.
Juror #12 - Another fat, black lesbian. Overflowing with folksy wisdom them wypipo just don't understand because they have no souls.

Instead of a tight character drama about the importance of taking your civic duties seriously, the remake will be a vehicle for important social justice narratives like "white people are evil racists" and "all cops are bad." Racist white male Juror #8 argues that the innocent black victim had it coming because "you know how those people are." The rest of the movie will consist of a series of lectures as the remaining characters browbeat him into agreeing to a death sentence for the white cop using every social justice talking point possible. Juror #1 will grab him by the shoulders and tearfully demand he empathize with her ten dead black children, all of whom were shot in cold blood by white cops for fun. Juror #2 will tearfully explain to him how many times she was raped for being a lesbian in America. Juror #7 will tearfully break down because white people don't understand how many quadrillions of immigrants are slain every single second in America. At the end of the film, they'll all realize that civic responsibilities like jury duty are only there to prop up the existing white-male-centric power structures, and the entire justice system is rigged against minorities. The entire thing will be live-Tweeted, and every two minutes, the movie will cut to brown people all across the world waiting with bated breath for them to make the right decision and send whitey to the gas chamber. Also, every other line will be a tongue-in-cheek joke dripping with irony, because a self-serious drama without bathos is literally unwatchable.

I hate myself for writing all that almost as much as I hate modern Hollywood.
 
Oldpageboy
Directed by and staring Elliot Page

A transman wrongfully imprisoned during the Nazi reign of President Grump is released after the Rainbow Revolution, and has only three days to find the real killer before he 41%'s himself.
I was wondering how to do Oldboy in Current Year when "consensual incest" is apparently fine. Dae-su gets admonished for kinkshaming and everything carries on as normal.
 
Better Taste: The Rise of The Taste Buds (2026)

Written and directed by Alex Kurtzman

Produced unwillingly by Peter Jackson and a bunch of fucking soulless vermin hacks



Derek (MoCap'd Andy Serkis in a young Peter Jackson costume) is back! From Space! And this time, he dies right away so say hello to his estranged daughter, Derianna!

Feel the beat when Derianna and her motley crew from the local college (called The Taste Buds) take charge; not only the Alien situation, but also their own lives and fates in a tumultuous world where unity and democracy are challenged from every angle.

Survive the heat! A Small town falls victim to a vicious alien attack, but who are the real monsters? Why are people going missing? Why are MAGA hats suddenly everywhere? Will The Taste Buds persevere? They will, easily.

Dive into the heart of thunder with this most awaited sequel to the original cult classic. Double the action, triple the danger, quadruple the runtime and experience 587700 more frames of triple-layered CGI from WETA and ILM.

Trailer coming soon. Expect a few somber piano notes, a female voice slowly, ghostly singing a cover of a famous song, followed by a buildup and then you get to those shitty awful drum sounds you hear in every trailer. We're going to fucking cut the video material to the rhythm of those drums. You'll see. It's going to be so awesome, it's like the drums are also the editors. It's art you fucking peasant. We're gonna have someone say "I have a bad taste in my mouth" and you fucking uneducated trolls won't even know what it means so go fuck yourself. Comments closed

PG-13
 
Taxi Driver

Written and Directed by Spike Lee

It is set in the 2020s where the main character (Played by Lil Nas X) who serves as a Taxi Driver and a doomer complaining about racism, white people are portrayed as evil racists in the film and niggers are represented as nice and reasonable. Also in Orange and Teal and watered down for modern audiences. The nigger protagonist goes on a shooting spree to kill white people in a building and walks out with no repercussions and the white people are portrayed as Neo Nazi's. No character development on the nigger protagonist, atmosphere music is complete drone. The nigger protagonist is also LGBT and hooks up with a nigger Trans-Women.

Trailer Music uses Ice Spice music.
 
Marty (1955)

Marty Piletti is an Italian-American butcher who lives in The Bronx with his mother. Unmarried at 34, the good-natured but socially awkward Marty faces constant badgering from family and friends to settle down, as they point out that all his brothers and sisters are already married (and divorced), most of them with children. Not averse to marriage but disheartened by his lack of prospects, Marty has reluctantly resigned himself to bachelorhood he then gets so jaded he just ups and kills himself
.

Thats it.
Thats my modern take on marty.
Fuck you thats the only romance movie I like, fuck you for turning it into an incel biography.
 
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