Yasuke Simulator - Wishlist on Steam

This looks fun! I was bored of playing GTA so at least I can drive and shoot in this game! Will review later
 
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The idea that Yasuke would put Nobunaga (a bro) before any other chink woman (a hoe) is outrageous and indubitably preposterous.

Anyone knows that BUH-lack men never put a bro before a hoe.
Samurai, daimyo, shogun, emperor - whatever the fuck them Japs are calling a bro. Sounds like some gay shit to me.

Goddamn, I miss the Boondocks
 
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HiveDull said:
The idea that Yasuke would put Nobunaga (a bro) before any other chink woman (a hoe) is outrageous and indubitably preposterous.

Anyone knows that BUH-lack men never put a bro before a hoe.
Samurai, daimyo, shogun, emperor - whatever the fuck them Japs are calling a bro. Sounds like some gay shit to me.

Goddamn, I miss the Boondocks
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The Japanese word for bro is kyodai. Nobunaga is Yasuke's kyodai.
 
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Yasuke Simulator is officially out now. Here's the prices:

Screenshot_20250320_085737_Brave.jpg

Screenshot_20250320_085835_Brave.jpg
They wasted no time getting that one last dig in. :story:
 
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Said "fuck it" and decided to give Yasuke Simulator a go.

Now, I understand this is a meme game, and if memes are what you're looking for, then you'll probably find it minorly amusing.

Spoilers for some of the goofy things you'll see in the game:
  • The tutorial has Yasuke ride off with Nobunaga's "royal bicycle", before taking on several Takeda goons using a SIG Sauer P226.
  • Every Takeda goon is an unarmed dude that endlessly shouts ridiculous stock samurai phrases in hilariously offensive Engrish.
  • Oda Nobunaga sends Yasuke off to defeat the Takeda clan using his personal bullet train. To quote Nobunaga, "he who controls the shinkansen controls Japan."
  • One mission has Yasuke ride down feudal Japan's famous mountain highways in Nobunaga's favorite red sports car while delivering tofu to random shinobi women along the way while an AI-generated rock song singing Yasuke's praises plays over the radio.
  • Another mission replaces the Takeda henchmen with hordes of nuisance streamers who shout about their 500,000 subscriber counts and how "this guy [Yasuke] thinks he's a samurai!" Oda Nobunaga remarks with disgust and tells you to slay them all.
  • Yasuke has katanas, but since enemies deal collision damage there's no point using them. Instead, you'll rely on your arsenal of modern firearms instead to mow down your enemies.
  • You fight a giant enemy crab at one point.
This may seem pretty funny, and yeah, maybe at first it is, but make no mistake, this is a lazily slapped-together asset flip that absolutely SUCKS to play and rapidly wears out its welcome.

This laziness permeates everything about the design and gameplay - namely, no care was taken in the slightest. Every single enemy, mook and boss inclusive, in this game plays exactly the same: All they do is make a beeline for you and deal collision damage. Melee is pretty much useless as a result, which means only real way of dealing with them is using guns. However, standard enemies take two headshots to kill with the pistol, and ammo drops from dead enemies seem to be completely random, so if you aren't careful you can run out, especially during boss fights which are all of the "shoot it until it dies" variety. To make it even better, the hitboxes are janky; you'll shoot an enemy directly in the head, and half the time it'll either miss completely or register in the chest.

You'll look around and see buildings blatantly hovering in the air, and big gaps in the floor because the creator didn't bother to join the floor object with a nearby wall. It's powered by Unreal Engine, and if you think this developer spent even a minute trying to optimize this shit then :story: . I have a 3080 and this game runs like cold molasses on all settings, despite being a low-quality asset flip.

The movement controls are stiff and imprecise, which becomes a problem when the game expects you to engage in platforming - there's several sections where you have to jump across gaps while avoiding spinning obstacles that will knock you off the platform, and the crappy movement response makes it much more difficult than it should be to get Yasuke to actually go where you want him to be. Vehicle controls are both unresponsive, super slippery, and bouncy, so while there are some sections where you have the option (thankfully they're optional) to do some jump stunts, they are pretty much impossible to pull off without veering off the side. On top of that, running into enemies with a car or motorcycle instantly kills momentum, and running over ragdolls has a tendency to flip your vehicle, so you won't even get you that simple satisfaction of sending enemies flying with your speeding car in this game.

The developer saw it fit to add a dodge roll mechanic and crouch and prone stance system to the game, but far as I can tell they are both completely pointless. You're required to use them to get past some obstacles in the tutorial, and then you never touch them again. No enemy is able to fight back from range, and stealth flat-out does not exist in this game, so the crouch and prone are unnecessary. The "dodge" roll doesn't even grant I-frames, as I tried using it to roll away from an attacking boss enemy and I still got hit, so it basically works identically to simply sprinting away from an attack.

The most glaring issue with this game that there is no checkpoint system at all. If you die, you will have to replay the whole level from the start, and the later levels get both very long and awfully tedious. For example, the 6th chapter features not one, but TWO sections that blatantly knock off the Red Light, Green Light scene from Squid Game (complete with the doll's dialogue from the show). There's nothing "hard" about it, since all you have to do is move forward while the doll isn't turned around, but each section takes for-fucking-ever, and so much as breathing on your mouse registers as a movement and get you killed you instantly, forcing you to play BOTH sections over again. In between each section, you have to fight through several rooms full of the same brain-dead enemies, while at the same time "destroying Japanese things" which means hunting down and walking into carts and crates full of fruit so you can advance to the next area.

Every successive level simply adds more sections. More tedious combat, more annoying platforming challenges. If it weren't more reasonably explained by laziness, I would accuse the developer of deliberating doing this to pad out the playtime, or to farm outrage content for streamers.

So yeah, the concept is funny, and it's minorly chuckleworthy for the first 25 or so minutes. After, though, the humor peters off as the shitty, lazy, tedious gameplay ruins any goodwill the game may have had.

If throwing away $4 on a really shitty game to spite Ubisoft appeals to you, then I can get behind it, and I'm probably not going to ask for a refund for that reason. If your time is valuable to you, then don't waste it on Yasuke Simulator. If not for the meme, this game is exactly the type of forgettable shovelware trash Jim Sterling would have rightly mocked on his channel in his heyday.
 
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Mojo Thief said:
but TWO sections that blatantly knock off the Red Light, Green Light scene from Squid Game (complete with the doll's dialogue from the show). There's nothing "hard" about it, since all you have to do is move forward while the doll isn't turned around, but each section takes for-fucking-ever, and doing much as breathing on your mouse registers as a movement and will kill you instantly, forcing you to play BOTH sections over again.
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You can actually skip the second one. Theres a car in the bamboo forest with the streamers right before the second set. Park the car right outside it, knock down the doors, drive it through. You'll be past the line before they turn once. This level in particular has also been patched to make it less tedious.

Everything else you said is accurate though. Its so slapped together that before a patch, you could skip almost all of level 3 by walking through a mountain one of the off roads connects to near the start and just mosey your happy ass into the back of the "level complete" trigger. The crab boss could also just decide to walk off level and die 2 seconds after the fight started pre-patch.

"Kill everyone in your path, my black angel."
 
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Nick Gars said:
You can actually skip the second one. Theres a car in the bamboo forest with the streamers right before the second set. Park the car right outside it, knock down the doors, drive it through. You'll be past the line before they turn once. This level in particular has also been patched to make it less tedious.
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Thanks for the tip, I did it the intended way like a retard.

I finally beat it, and yeah, I'm just glad it's over. The final boss is just the same recurring boss enemy with a mountain of health. No unique skin or anything, which is odd considering the other bosses look unique, even if they all play the same. I have a feeling the creator was starting to get as bored and tired as I was and just slapped the final level together as quickly as possible to push it out the door.

2/10 shit game, just watch someone else play it.

30+GameOvers said:
So just like AssCreed Shadows, then?
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You make a good point, but only one of these asset flips is going to turn a profit :smug:
 
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