Your Favorite Bible Verses? - stories from the oldest and bloodiest book of all time

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I've been looking for something about not being a troon but, I don't think even god saw that trainwreck coming.

The rules for slavery were pretty funny. I was raised Presbyterian/Jew, the clergy seemed to gloss over that stuff pretty well.

Ephesians 6:5 - Servants, be obedient to them that are [your] masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ
 
troon patrol said:
I've been looking for something about not being a troon but, I don't think even god saw that trainwreck coming.

The rules for slavery were pretty funny. I was raised Presbyterian/Jew, the clergy seemed to gloss over that stuff pretty well.

Ephesians 6:5 - Servants, be obedient to them that are [your] masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ
Click to expand...
Fedoras keep citing scriptures about slavery to me, but all it's done is convince me that slavery is absolutely halal and my southern ancestors did nothing wrong so niggers need to stop crying.

Judges 3:16-22
And Ehud made him a sword which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he girded it under his raiment upon his right thigh.

And he offered the present unto Eglon king of Moab--now Eglon was a very fat man.

And when he had made an end of offering the present, he sent away the people that bore the present.

But he himself turned back from the quarries that were by Gilgal, and said: 'I have a secret errand unto thee, O king.' And he said: 'Keep silence.' And all that stood by him went out from him.

And Ehud came unto him; and he was sitting by himself alone in his cool upper chamber. And Ehud said: 'I have a message from God unto thee.' And he arose out of his seat.

And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly.

And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, for he drew not the sword out of his belly; and it came out behind.
Not only is this badass, it's also hilarious. It wasn't enough to assassinate this guy, the people behind it had to take pains to emphasize what a fatass he was in their holy book so their children can know for all time that this man was a gross, disgusting fatass.

On a more serious note:
Revelation 3:21
To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.
 
Lamentations 3:22-24

22 It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

23 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.

24 The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.

Galatians 3:28

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

Isaiah 50:9

Behold, the Lord God will help me; who is he that shall condemn me? lo, they all shall wax old as a garment; the moth shall eat them up.
 
"Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is a man who deceives his neighbour and says, 'I was only joking!'"
Proverbs 26:18-19

ITS JUST A PRANK BRO
 
Issiah 4:1

In that day seven women
will take hold of one man
and say, “We will eat our own food
and provide our own clothes;
only let us be called by your name.
Take away our disgrace!”
 
Someone beat me to Ezekiel 23:20, so I'm going to go for Exodus 20:14 from the misprinted Barker/Lucas edition of 1631:

wickedbible.jpg
 
Silver Chariot said:
Leviticus 15:2
Speak to the people of Israel and say to them, When any man has a discharge from his body, his discharge is unclean.
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Maybe part of the reason MundaneMatt was so angry at the Catholic church was because he read this and realized he's not supposed to taste his own cum.
 
Leviticus is the most interesting of all the books. It has timeless advice, like the following from 19:29 :

“Do not prostitute thy daughter, to cause her to be a whore; lest the land fall to whoredom, and the land become full of wickedness.”
 
Malachi 3:8-12
8 Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings.

9 Ye are cursed with a curse: for ye have robbed me, even this whole nation.

10 Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the LORD of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.

11 And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the LORD of hosts.

12 And all nations shall call you blessed: for ye shall be a delightsome land, saith the LORD of hosts.

The passage that got me is the God of the universe telling little old us to prove Him on something. You can't do that with most people. I love all the passages where He gets in your face like this. Character. Whiners who say there is no God, why is He getting in your face saying to prove Him?
 
The one where God tries to cheat in a fight
Genesis 32

24 And Jacob was left alone. And ga man wrestled with him until the breaking of the day. 25 When the man saw that he did not prevail against Jacob, he touched his hip socket, and Jacob’s hip was put out of joint as he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the day has broken.” But Jacob said, h“I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 And he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then he said, i“Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel,6 for jyou have striven with God and kwith men, and have .”
 
troon patrol said:
I've been looking for something about not being a troon but, I don't think even god saw that trainwreck coming.

The rules for slavery were pretty funny. I was raised Presbyterian/Jew, the clergy seemed to gloss over that stuff pretty well.

Ephesians 6:5 - Servants, be obedient to them that are [your] masters according to the flesh, with fear and trembling, in singleness of your heart, as unto Christ
Click to expand...
It's kinda implied in Genesis 18, and 19 (Sodom and Gomorrah) that there was all kinds of deviant things going on there, but it's not mentioned specifically.
 
The story about Jesus being tempted by Satan in the desert is one of my favorites of all time.
Matthew 4:1-11
Then Jesus was led by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted[a] by the devil. 2 After fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 The tempter came to him and said, “If you are the Son of God, tell these stones to become bread.”


4 Jesus answered, “It is written: ‘Man shall not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.’[b]”


5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and had him stand on the highest point of the temple. 6 “If you are the Son of God,” he said, “throw yourself down. For it is written:

“‘He will command his angels concerning you,
and they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.’[c]”

7 Jesus answered him, “It is also written: ‘Do not put the Lord your God to the test.’[d]”


8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their splendor. 9 “All this I will give you,” he said, “if you will bow down and worship me.”


10 Jesus said to him, “Away from me, Satan! For it is written: ‘Worship the Lord your God, and serve him only.’[e]”


11 Then the devil left him, and angels came and attended him.
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