You're Putting Together a Team - Lolcows rob a bank

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Ryo Ma

Ryo Ma

kiwifarms.net
Joined
Dec 16, 2025
Money is tight. Your bitch is on your case, Mr. Christmas is knocking for that crack money, and you're ready to risk it all. You pick up your phone and call four Exceptional individuals, those with unique talents and skills needed to finally pull it off: The Big Bank Job.

Protected by layers of the most sophisticated systems, you must plan your heist using the skillsets of your cows. Choose wisely.

My team:

BossManJack: shouldn't need an explanation, his presence almost nullifies any risk of legal consequences should the job fail. His crackhead violent urges would be an asset as he has proven himself able to KO opponents much larger than himself. Role: Pointman.

Ethan Klein: No one is going to be more valuable than a jew here. His insider connections and understanding of the thieving goblin mindset will be important in navigating the tunnels and vaults of the bank, and again, in the event we are busted having a kike around will make things much easier to handle legally. We simply need to monitor him, as he is certainly going to try and jew us and flee with the money if allowed to. Role: Lockpick.

Cynthia Hanson: The green light to enter the bank will be when Cynthia Hanson replaces the camera feeds with Wogglebug animations. As security is stunlocked by the memetic hazard of Cynthia's creations, we will use the opportunity to bypass most of the physical security. If needed, she will enter the building and explain the Wogglebugs true relationship with Mr. Frog, blasting the sanity of the remaining living staff to pieces. Role: Distraction.

Sam Hyde: When the chips are down, you need a navigator that can get you out of any situation. Monitoring police traffic, bank systems, and how many female police officers respond, you will always be one step ahead of the police, government, and everyone. Sits in a white FREE CANDY van with Cynthia across the street. Role: Navigation.

I don't think any other team would do as well, but go ahead and try.
 
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the brains:
ethan ralph will mastermind the operation. as a hardened criminal who has been to jail he will surely create a bulletproof plan to ensure nothing goes wrong, followed by expertly organizing our escape to mexico where he is particularly well-connected.

the muscle:
call patrick tomlinson, experienced barrell chested tough guy who has been in multiple knife fights, child. get in his way and your life is already over, stalker!

the getaway driver:
get will stancil on the team, a certified pro at outsmarting cops like ICE in his trusty honda fit. he came up on the rough streets of minneapolis, so you know he's the real deal.

the lawyer:
hire nick rekeita to defend us in court after we inevitably get arrested. given his spotless track record of successful court appearances, we'll be well taken care of.
 
I pick Lowtiergod, he's very good at dodging things like debt and responsibility. I just have to wear a fucking cape now.
 
DSP can be on the job as the bagman. He seems like someone who can be trusted with large amounts of money.

Hasan Piker is the muscle, if any hostages try to cause problems his skills as a torturer will make them cooperative.

Jackie Singh is the crews hacker, nobody knows more about cybersecurity than her.

MovieBob will mastermind the operation. He has the sort of high IQ you can only get from a lifetime of studying every single Marvel movie. You dumb chuds wouldn't get it.
 
I'd probably let DSP commit bankruptcy fraud again, by sheer concidence of him getting the most retarded trustee the nation can produce (again).

Once that's done, if I still have to rob the bank, I'd get Silent motherfucking Rob, up in yo mouf, bitches! You have not seen pure Ohio crackhead rage in action, no one is ready for it. Overdosed on Fent, wielding a sawed-off shotgun ready to pop some copper heads.

YandereDev is the hacker, prepared to saturate the security network with the most inefficient code possible. Turning the frames-per-second of the CCTV cameras into seconds-per-frame. In the meantime, critical footage of the robbery will be set to be replaced with harem anime, once the operation is finished.

LTG is the muscle, you're gonna catch some hands if you stand in his way, after he casually tells you how many times he masturbated in the mirror. Also, he's the only one not wearing a mask (personal preference).

Amos Yee, (he gets tackled and apprehended immediately by the security guard).

Alex Hogendorp, he provides emotional support. He is chilling! in some exotic place in South America while posting about Kiwifarms on DeviantArt and watching suspicious anime.
 
Muscle: Brandon Kellett. For all his gooner faggotry, "Brynn Woods" nonetheless knows his way around a gun, and being a hulking 6'5" shemale with Sanpaku eyes gives him the Terrifying Presence perk. There will be casualties once he starts having Iraq flashbacks and seeing durkadurk children instead of civilians.

Hacker: Terry Davis. With TempleOS on our side, alarms can be disabled, police comms will be fried, traffic lights can be switched to green during the getaway, and security footage will be scrubbed in one fell swoop.

Distraction: Andrew Ditch. Have him disrupt the police response by having one of his manbaby fits in the middle of the road and demand the cops change his diaper. (He doesn't get a cut; his "payment" will be him and Kellett complementing each other's respective disgusting fetishes, and he will be left behind).

Getway driver: Music Biz Marty. He's the true Drift King of Akron. I may also give him a bonus of the cut if he provides some planning.
 
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