Prison Letters Chris and Kengle Prison Letter Megathread

[Eyesclosed equals lies]

His lawyer is definitely leaning on that insanity plea

 

[human trash]

there's some pretty quoteable shit in the letter and it's probably been said before but by far the best part

 

[Sugriva]

"Jail of Fail"
We finally got a new CWC-ism, boys. REJOICE.

 

[FunPosting101]

Man, the longer this particular saga goes on the funnier it gets. Clearly, for the next act in the insanity show, Chris will pretend to be Mohammedchu or some crap, then Moses-Chan, and after he's done playing around with the Abrahamic faiths he'll move on to neopaganism and various eastern religions. Who's ready for All-Father Jupiter Sonichu the reincarnation of Bhudda and Hari Khrishna?

 

[Snuckening]

Nigga literally picked up a Sajadat alsala from the chaplain. God I hope he picks up a Quran and starts weaving the deen/sharia along with 5 daily prayers towards the Temple into his crazy religion

It's only a matter of time before Chris gets hold of a Koran, and starts jabbering about his night-flight to 14 Branchland Crt on a donkey (and, given Chris' current circumstances, the sura about "splitting the moon" may hold special relevance, for him...).

A lot of other religions try to do outreach into prison, to try and recruit the desperate too, so I wouldn't be surprised if he turns up with a copy of The Book of Mormon, Bhagavad Gita, mayber even Dianetics, and other random, goofball religious texts, and starts weaving bits of them all, into his own head-cannon.

Shit's only gonna get kookier, from here onwards.

 

[We All Came For CWC]

Chris asserting dominance on his first day in jail like the Giga Chad he is

 

[Count Olaf]

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Peak autist, like summoning his imaginary friends to save him.
I think someone made a good point of Chris being the product of his time and parents.
He was the product of his time when schools did not know how to deal with one such as him.
Unfortunately now we have swung the opposite way.

Just imagining an Avengers: Endgame style ending where every cartoon character from every series he mentioned in that letter emerges from portals, takes one look at Chris, and then all turn around and leave.

 

[MuuMuu Bunnylips]

Nothing really new to say, just Chris repeating more of what was already said except it's addressed to Kengle. I assume it's because Kengle is probably one of the only people in the world who would actually bother to write back.



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Good to see his writing is just as bent as he is.

 

[Terrorist]

>holy flame
>repentance tour

It's unlikely but would be hilarious if this was Wes Iseli/Wes-Li Sonichu 15+ years later, the only Sonichu villain with fire powers from a quick search of the CWCki. IMO Wes was a very underrated troll because he didn't do anything on purpose or even know Chris existed but still lived in his head rent-free.

I am so tired of this - insanity plea doesn't work that way

To be fair, Chris doesn't know anything about anything, so he would think it does work that way.

I personally disagree.

In an alternate timeline, I see Chris living a pretty relatively normal life, one that could've been attained with only a few changes.

Chris could've had a chance if he wasn't born both autistic and the son of Borb...but at that point he wouldn't be Christian Weston Chandler at all.

 

[Haint]

When did antichrist get put on the Chris Chan bingo card?

 

[The Grave of Einstein]

It looks like Chris was also possessed by the spirit of Francis E Dec. These letters are amazing lol.

 

[Nikes_JustDoIt]

He is still begging for money in the letters, and my favourite is when he snapped and got me out of here with a full pardon. Also, he sits on pray rug playing cards, instead of praying to himself.
The jail arc letter are getting more entertaining the more he stews in jail.

 

[Eugene90]

Nothing really new to say, just Chris repeating more of what was already said except it's addressed to Kengle. I assume it's because Kengle is probably one of the only people in the world who would actually bother to write back.



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Okay, seriously...what in the flying fuck did I just read?

 

[MrShekelstein36]

I feel sorry for the guard who has to read through Chris' letters.

I don't. Maybe they'll eventually find their way here and give us a better update as to what's going on in there.

 

[Anne Hyroe]

I predict that one of Chris’ correspondents is Ethan Ralph, still trying to get dirt on Null. I want to hear a prison interview à la Cantwell.

 

[Angry Shoes]

I can't wait to see how sexy the Sockness letter is

 

[MuhCree]

Please let Ralphie give Chris Chan a pardon. I want to see him get shitcanned as governor next election so fucking badly. All the opponent would need to do is say he let a literal motherfucker free and promise to end the gun bans.

 

[Cuntflaps]

I am probably reading into this too much, but someone would need to put money in Chris's account for him to buy the prayer rug, playing cards, and other shit--correct? Have wangs from Reddit been sending him money or has Barb? It is also strange that he says food for Barb is appreciated and "genuine" people are still welcome to visit her. Is Barb possibly still on his side?

 

[Optimus Prime]

Chris could've had a chance if he wasn't born both autistic and the son of Borb...but at that point he wouldn't be Christian Weston Chandler at all.

Indeed. It really flies under the radar these days but the fact that Chris, born Christopher, got his name changed to Christian, because a fucking robot bear misheard his name, and his parents entertained this notion, forever altering his life because thus was born the legend of GODBEARJESUS...like, that just doesn't happen with normal people. You don't get your name changed because a TALKING BEAR got your name wrong.

 

[Professor Iris]

You don't get your name changed because a TALKING BEAR got your name wrong.

....unless you live in China.