April Lauren / April Lauren Wilson Brown / Wakeupbright - Fake positivity, pedostache husband. Voted fatty most likely on the verge of her Stepford Wife robot programming malfunctioning

Great OP and great thread. Do we have any more information about her early life? Those crazy, dead-looking eyes and her tendency to be morbidly obese likely means there’s a story there.
This triggered a thought in me. If she and the hubby were married in June 2014, then hubby was 23 and 2 months, and she was 29 and 9 months, right?

LDS folks tend to get married very young. If you're at college graduating age and you're not at least engaged, you're approaching old hag/perpetual bachelor territory. Thus, that's the normal age (if a bit high) for a Mormon man to get married, but in terms of Morm women she might as well have been an embalmed mummy in an ancient Egyptian sarcophagus.

Did she maybe have a previous marriage that failed or something? Or is she maybe a more recent convert? She seemed passably attractive when she was younger so if she really did grow up in the faith, there's got to be an interesting reason why she got married so late.
 
Did she maybe have a previous marriage that failed or something? Or is she maybe a more recent convert? She seemed passably attractive when she was younger so if she really did grow up in the faith, there's got to be an interesting reason why she got married so late.
IIRC I think she is at least a convert from what I know, but I need confirmation. She has never been married before that from what we know.

I do know there is an infamous Mormon quote from I think Brigham Young saying something like "An unmarried man over the age of 25 is a menace to society" or something.
 
IIRC I think she is at least a convert from what I know, but I need confirmation. She has never been married before that from what we know.

I do know there is an infamous Mormon quote from I think Brigham Young saying something like "An unmarried man over the age of 25 is a menace to society" or something.
I’ve assumed that too - he married her because the clock was working against him and he had to find someone to keep the heat off and at the time, April was at least a normal weight. Explains why he simultaneously loathes her but doesn’t divorce her. Especially if April promised to want to have children and her lack of effort just reinforces the lie. Still, even the stricter religions have the ability to divorce so there’s a reason why he’s sticking around. All mysteries that I hope this thread will eventually solve.
 
@NoReturn

Walking 1 mile for time with 200 lbs to lose | Can I do it? | Weight Loss Journey'



'How I got fat? Why I'm morbidly obese? | Losing 200 lbs | Weight Loss Journey | Workout with me'



(In OP under 'Consoom Fabletics' spoiler)

'Fabletics Review: Spilling all the Fabletics Tea (Topics and Timestamps in the Jump Around Menu)'



'My MIND IS Blown, Results from my body composition and metabolic testing | April Lauren Weight Loss'




'Walking 1 mile for time with the 71 lbs I lost on my 200 lbs Weight Loss Journey | Can I do it?'



I haven't archived the podcasts, I'm assuming their very large files, and I'm not sure what I've done is correct as is.

Chikara Transformations -
'BodyBuilder Challenges April Lauren to A (Weight Loss) Duel - 1800 Calories For Five Days'

 
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Great OP and great thread. Do we have any more information about her early life? Those crazy, dead-looking eyes and her tendency to be morbidly obese likely means there’s a story there.
Updating OP with a request for early life info.
I've never had dogs so this is just me as the average layperson, but I don't think these pups are just 'big boned'. April probably thinks letting them roam in the back is adequate exercise. Or she takes one for the walk and gets so out of breath & tired, she doesn't walk the other. I can't see her doing two separate journeys in the same day on the regular.

April's pups
View attachment 2799699

Not April's pup, for comparison
View attachment 2799702
Notice April dogs' knees, how they prorate backwards. That's not normal! That's from being so top-heavy. No dogs should be obese but it's especially bad for German Shepherds because it aggravates their hip dysplasia. Credit where credit's due, her dogs do appear to be straight-backed, not that awful American line ridiculously sloped back, so it looks like she sourced them from a responsible breeder. But they may appear to be straight-backed because they're so fat.

And there's no excuse for them not getting enough exercise. First of all, she WANTED German Shepherds. They're high energy, need JOBS, and are prone to anxiety. If you can't handle that, don't get them. Second, she has a very spacious backyard. She can throw the ball or frisbee several sessions a day.
Added some dog info to the OP in a spoiler.
@brooky
But I find her fascinating. Just like... what the fuck happened here.
For sure for sure
@NoReturn

Walking 1 mile for time with 200 lbs to lose | Can I do it? | Weight Loss Journey'

View attachment 2799927

'How I got fat? Why I'm morbidly obese? | Losing 200 lbs | Weight Loss Journey | Workout with me'

View attachment 2800023

(In OP under 'Consoom Fabletics' spoiler)

'Fabletics Review: Spilling all the Fabletics Tea (Topics and Timestamps in the Jump Around Menu)'

View attachment 2800173

'My MIND IS Blown, Results from my body composition and metabolic testing | April Lauren Weight Loss'

View attachment 2800201


'Walking 1 mile for time with the 71 lbs I lost on my 200 lbs Weight Loss Journey | Can I do it?'

View attachment 2800220

I haven't archived the podcasts, I'm assuming their very large files, and I'm not sure what I've done is correct as is.

Chikara Transformations -
'BodyBuilder Challenges April Lauren to A (Weight Loss) Duel - 1800 Calories For Five Days'

View attachment 2800240
And in they go! (This part took the longest time, thank you so much!)
 
She's got a live premiere now.
All in-chat asspats. That'd look good on her merch - 'April Lauren. In-chat asspats'.
Will grab and archive when complete.

Couldn't help but notice there were two beds in the hotel room at the end. Unless they got it for the dogs...

Also I really hate it when she does this squinty uwu face
Owo.gif

Uwu.gif
 
Apparently they went to the Chattanooga, Tennessee area for a family gathering. She posted IG stories saying she's completely failed Vlogmas (and it'll continue "in like, whatever kind of way I can continue it"). She mentioned she had been vlogging her trip but made no comment about when the next video will go up.

(And nothing about Chikara, of course.)









@NoReturn
Re: assistance in archiving the podcast. I've taken a look, and there's 19 episodes, 10 mins to 40 mins max. Do you want all of them? I've started downloading, but it'll take a bit to do all.
I'm guessing there's potential for more interesting info in her podcast channel videos to 300 odd subscribers, than her main channel uploads to 75k subscribers.
 
This OP is fucking depressing because of how common a story this kind of thing is but I can't help but lose sympathy when you put yourself on the internet like this.

I'm interested in seeing when she blows up, literally and figuratively. Alternatively if she learns to count calories and loses the weight I get to be pleasantly surprised.
 
@NoReturn
Re: assistance in archiving the podcast. I've taken a look, and there's 19 episodes, 10 mins to 40 mins max. Do you want all of them? I've started downloading, but it'll take a bit to do all.
I'm guessing there's potential for more interesting info in her podcast channel videos to 300 odd subscribers, than her main channel uploads to 75k subscribers.
Nah we just need one as a sample. If any amazing episodes come out in the future we can add them as-needed.
 
Nah we just need one as a sample. If any amazing episodes come out in the future we can add them as-needed.
Lol, have them downloaded now. Will keep, just in case, though she doesn't seem the DFE type. Anyhoo, here's episode one of inspiration porn tinged fitness asspats, no doubt.

 
Not a word of the weightloss challenge, to the surprise of absolutely noone at all.
Sidenote: I know you've gotten some shit over here about how you handled your breakup, Ilona, but you're still kinda great and the doggos are absolutely adorable. The lighter furred one seemed to be limping one her back paws in a recent video, hope she's alright!
:feels:
 
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IIRC I think she is at least a convert from what I know, but I need confirmation. She has never been married before that from what we know.

I do know there is an infamous Mormon quote from I think Brigham Young saying something like "An unmarried man over the age of 25 is a menace to society" or something.
I always equated the younger marriage age for him as a product of the military.They get better benefits for being married. But with religion as a factor, double whammy!
 
Imagine being Kenny. Here you are, trying to have a "career" in the military but your lust for gunnery seargent Smith is getting a bit too obvious and your mom wants grandkids.
So you find this woman. Older than you and a bit manic but shes ok fit and shes mormon. So you marry while still lusting for the muscular lads you work with.
Everything is fine right? shell get preggers, stay at home and your mom will get off your back.
WRONG!! years later, shes doubled her size, filming her "journey" for youtube and shes still not preggers. Furthermore gunnery seargent Smith is now a silver fox but you and April are sealed, so youre basically fucked.
Good times Kenny, good times.
 
Re: this Mormon marriage business with Kenny. I seem to recall that April converted to Mormonism. Does anyone know for sure? If she was raised Mormon, even in a less observant manner, I can see how this marriage came about. The pressure would have been worse for her than for him, regardless of whether he's gay or what his deal is.

But if she converted, then I don't understand what was in it for her. I certainly wouldn't want to be some guy's last chance to get his parents off his back. The desire for children makes sense, but I find that desire insincere since she's not taking her health challenge seriously.

Did she marry him just because he was in the army? I don't get it.
 
More archives from the last few pages, just in case.
And you'd be right. This is less of something that would go in the OP than actual thread content, but here are some of her "hauls".
Fabletics Review: Spilling all the Fabletics Tea (Topics and Timestamps in the Jump Around Menu)

PLUS SIZE ACTIVEWEAR unboxing and try on: Buff Bunny, Fabletics and K-Deer Activewear | April Lauren

Oh but she wasn't losing weight because it was scientifically proven that she wasn't eating enough calories according to some dodgy military base body composition and metabolic rate testing centre. The result showing she was only carrying 24lb of excess fat....all the rest was "healthy fat". 😂 Her resting metabolic rate was 2525 calories a day so the plan was to increase her calories to that number and the difference between that and her TDEE would give her a safe weightloss. Must be about time she went back for a repeat of the tests, but I suspect, given her results, that she must have broken the machines.
The video in question
Chikara Transformations has been on April's case for many months, calling out her obvious blatant lies regarding her consumption and her exercise claims. There's bad blood there on both sides. I had no idea that April's subs had climbed to 75k in such a short time...something I have no doubt is very grating to our overly competitive body builder and online fitness coach.
My MIND IS Blown, Results from my body composition and metabolic testing | April Lauren Weight Loss

Definitely a great start but I can think of some more things that make her a bit more cow worthy that should be covered.

I think it would be also worth incorporating her being adamant to never cheat on her diet, that she doesn't get cravings, she only shows herself to eat healthy fitness foods and her doing 75 hard. During 75 Hard she ate out daily despite this being against the rules and she also *almost* cheated on her diet by eating some oatmeal but it exploded in the microwave, so she didn't (LOL). This can be found in the #oatmealgate video.

She also nukes any form of negativity from her channel and is therefore absolutely incapable of receiving any criticism or feedback that is not ass-pattery.

The video where she got her metabolism tested and was told she is basically healthy at a swelt 260lbs and should eat around 3300 calories a day is also pretty hilarious. I don't know how to achieve and I imagine that has been achieved already in the Fat Acceptance thread, but that particular video is an insight in to the delusional world she has created for herself. She believed that losing an additional 30lbs would make her healthy and she should be eating 3300 calories to "fuel" her extremely intense exercise routine. However ,she decided to stick to 2500 instead and has been gradually gaining since then. (ninja'd by @I call shenanigans )

Her workouts are totally retarded also, thinking she will burn 7-800 calories from waddling along for an hour to do a mile and doing weird body weight circuits with burpees she is unable to complete with any decent form. In fact, most of her workouts are lacklustre and performed with terrible form, yet she believes herself to be like Tia Clair Toomey doing super intense WODs. Most of these are 20 minute circuits that normal people would do as a warm up.

She also has two morbidly obese, beautiful German Sheppard's that she doesn't exercise, unless she get's called out by Ilona and then suddenly she is walking them in every vlog. I believe she doesn't like walking them because one was attacked and she cannot handle both at the same time (I am not 100% sure on this though). Regardless, her dogs are as fat as her and she has no excuse to not exercise them properly because walking is her main form of exercise and she is at home all day long

Finally, she seems to be completely reluctant to do the one thing she needs to do on her "journey to lose 200lbs" and that is track her food properly. She writes down arbitrary numbers in a notebook that are pulled from thin air, she is rarely seen to actually weigh anything out and doesn't seem to want to track her food intake because of a fear of getting an eating disorder. April can only eat whatever she wants without tracking and pray to the gods that results in weightloss, or eat 1200 calories - there is no middle ground of eating a bit more calories but actually tracking everything she sticks in to her mouth.

Not sure if any of this is Ninja'd, I will edit accordingly after posting
Binge Eating and My Struggle with Anxiety | Self Destructive Story Time | #oatmealgate

Another example of April gunning for the "fitness influencer" label was her doing a "Who's burning more calories?" challenge with her husband a couple of months back.

After what feels like an eternity of shilling for her new Apple watch and bland vloging, she reveals that they tied. That's, right. Her husband Kenny, who runs Spartan races and works in the military has tied for calorie expenditure with his obese, stay-at-home wife, who can't even walk both of their dogs at once. (We all know he won since they didn't show their watch results, but she needed to maintain that "I'm so fit at 300lbs" image at all costs).

To illustrate her terminally-ill consumer tendencies once more, I present to you this vlog, where she says she got a pair of Altra trail shoes (on top of her several pairs of Nikes) after seeing a Youtuber do some ultra trails with them. Because of course, ultra racing is exactly the same as waddling 3 miles on a path near a parking lot.

The shot of her saying "And this is workout number 1 (...) most days I'm doing 3 workouts" while showing her husband running in the distance for his Spartan Race prep at 7:03 is priceless. You couldn't make that level of delusion up.

She buys herself "gifts" for every weight loss milestone she reaches (basically every 10 lbs). In this vlog, she got herself a new pair of sunglasses for finally getting down to 300lbs after a year of weight loss journey. That was in March btw. By the end of November, she was at 286lbs. (And bought herself some earrings for reaching 290lbs in between).

April also has started a clothing line "at her sister's behest". Her choice of a small, and to be fair cute, logo to go on the huge tarps she wears is questionable though, as it appears completely dwarfed by the sheer size of her clothing.
View attachment 2799308
This does not look "oversize" on her btw.

April is obsessed with her hair, perhaps because she thinks it hides her fat (and to some extent, it does). She refuses to cut it, and frequently mentions in her vlogs how much she's attached to it and how pretty it is.
"My face looks so thin there". (Not sarcasm, her actual quote at the exact moment of that still).
View attachment 2799312

And that picture is from a Halloween themed photoshoot she splurged on for God knows what reason recently. Just thought it captured her crazy-eyed look quite well.
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DITL of my Weight Loss Journey & My husbands Spartan Race Plan for Beast

Deciding if I should do phase one | Day in the Life on my Weight Loss Journey Losing 200lbs

Weight Loss Q&A, Rapid Fire Style | WEIGH IN WEDNESDAY | April's Weight Loss Journey: Losing 200lbs
 
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