April Lauren / April Lauren Wilson Brown / Wakeupbright - Fake positivity, pedostache husband. Voted fatty most likely on the verge of her Stepford Wife robot programming malfunctioning

[GreeneCoDeputy]

Oh hay newfag, if you're gonna sperg about Saints you're A-OK in my book.

(Sperg of my own: I don't think Ken Sr was raised LDS... he was born in 1964 to Merton Brown and Joan Hasselman, who were married in a Methodist church in West Haven, CT, in 1957 although as I said before, they both died in Utah. Note that Ken Sr. and Patricia Renshaw were married in SLC in 1990 - I assume they were sealed at that time, but that would make Ken Jr the first generation of the Brown family born in the covenant...)

Let's get some PAF dox in here...

They were married within months of starting their relationship, it seems like. I'm going to assume that's not unusual for Mormons? But if she was healthy then and they both wanted children, why didn't they start right away? I know there's plenty of valid reasons, but I also know when a woman really wants to be a mother, she prioritizes it. I kind of don't buy that she wants children that badly. The people I know who married in their 20s and always wanted children either had those children asap, tried and went for fertility treatments, or ended up adopting in their 30s. She keeps pushing it off like it's a boring bit of homework.

I can't remember which LDS prophet said it, but the general guidance is "let your courtships be long and your engagement short," which is to say, date and socialize a lot so that once you find the "one" you can recognize it and move forward accordingly.

Also, I haven't read/listened to all the material so apologies if this was mentioned already but this kind of rapid weight gain makes me think she might have developed polycystic ovaries or any one of a number of hormone imbalances that would make pregnancy difficult or impossible.

 

[NoReturn]

Chikara made the first vid on April the 25 of january 2021

Before then, she has made vids on foodie, ALR, life by jen, OPS, Cherry berry, Fat girl flow and Amy Ramadan.
She made the vid bc of viewer request. The gist of the Ilona and April beef is basically, Ilona calling out April for not being completely honest, about what she eats. Ilona is to the point and since April runs on asspats, she cant take the criticism.
Since the first vid, Ilona has done 18 vids in total(gonna take 2 replies bc of media limit):

Part 2;
Pretty impressive but Ilona is quite productive. The format is entertaining, informative and kind of shady sometimes, which is why I watch. Someone pointing out April lying and not living up to her "fitness" brand is funny bet Im a petty cunt, so take that as you will.
Edit bc of wrong vid

Added a summarized version of the above, and will drop in more video if/when we get archives.
Thank you!

I had some time, I capped what was relevant.

The 'My faith' link on the bottom of the page links directly to website of the Latter Day Saints in later years. But in 2015 and before, the blog had links at the top of the page with a section 'Meet the Browns' and earlier 'Our Story' that directed to a url ending in faith.html. So this may have been the page people are referring to.

Added a section in the OP for the blog.

 

[Kitty kitty cat]

Added a summarized version of the above, and will drop in more video if/when we get archives.
Thank you!

Added a section in the OP for the blog.

Youre welcome. April is entertaining, so lets hope for more milk

On another note, I can just imagine Kenny coaching her for this picture. It must have been cringe af

 

[The Lychee Queen]

Hey guys, just a headsup, I haven't forgotten the thread. I'll have my section on April vs Ilona and April and Toxic Positivity up by this weekend.

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

This reads like a 17 year old's dating story. She was supposed to be in her late 20s? Good Lord.

They were married within months of starting their relationship, it seems like. I'm going to assume that's not unusual for Mormons? But if she was healthy then and they both wanted children, why didn't they start right away? I know there's plenty of valid reasons, but I also know when a woman really wants to be a mother, she prioritizes it. I kind of don't buy that she wants children that badly. The people I know who married in their 20s and always wanted children either had those children asap, tried and went for fertility treatments, or ended up adopting in their 30s. She keeps pushing it off like it's a boring bit of homework.

April’s entire life is focused on doing as little work as possible. I’m sure she said all the right things and converted to Mormonism so she could be a stay at home wife. Then as soon as vows were exchanged, she let herself go. At this point, wanting children is one of those things where both say they want it but don’t do what it takes because they don’t really want it. April just wants to be a stay at home wife without responsibilities and Kenny doesn’t want to do something that will chain him to April for 18+ years. They’re just a couple people lying to each other. It’d be a sad story if they weren’t so unsympathetic.

 

[PotatoFace]

New video:

Chopping off my hair, my security blanket | Vlogmas 2021 | April Lauren
December 16, 2021

Whaaaat a fucking snooze. April spends the first 8-ish minutes going on and on about how anxious she is to chop her mop of hair. It's giving her lots of "stress." And she's also doubly "stressed" because she's not looking forward to filming her month update video (yeah, we know...ya gained weight, you whale).

Around 9 min she has her new 'do and is preening in the camera. By the end of the video, she's back to being anxious because she doesn't know what the back of her hair looks like. She wants to know what you think about her hair. Is 95% of this video about her hair? Yes. Yes, it is.

She probably lost about 1 lb of hair, which gives her a much needed leg up in this month's weight loss

 

[That's my purse]

She spends so much time in the video fretting about the hair, but rather like her before/afters, you have to look closely to see any visible difference.

No footage of the pups being walked but April gets in the car and drives to her husband to give him his lifting straps (quid pro quo: she needed reassurance about the hair and tells him that he can get a $13 military haircut, which is $13 more expensive than whatever he does with it now).

Not calling her out as a reverse Elizabeth Holmes but when she's talking to Kenny you can actually hear her normal voice. She then catches herself and we get this:

Lots of time wasted filming the shop front of this cute little store. Is she trying to get a sponsorship deal from them or something? It's full of ornaments that would feature in homes of Hallmark movies where the single busy businesswoman returns to her home town from the city.

 

[Lurkypoo]

Here's my TL/DW synopsis for you all
Intro - including blooper - because she's quirky - and she's still on a jurneee to lose 200 lbs or 130. Or less or whatever.
Pajama obsession guys.
Hair cut - nervous to get it cut. But she has a neck now (she claims) so she wants face framing layers. (I say this is a mistake.)
She's stressed about her monthly update video too. (Probably because she hasn't lost any weight. Or gained.)
She cleans her jalapenos for husband's jalapeño poppers in the living room, on a table while she watches TV. And then she's too tired to wrap them in bacon right now.
She does breakfast, and then the weirdo husband thanks her for his poppers.
She comes back on camera and sperges about how she ends recording too soon and her husband is soo funny but she never gets it on camera because she stops recording too soon. (I say its because he isn't really funny.)
She models her long hair one more time before her hair cut.
She finally shares she's getting a whole FOUR INCHES cut off her hair. (This is earth changing stuff people.) She claims more will come off the front for the layers.
And she says just recorded the worst video she ever recorded. (Too bad she won't put it up as we might disagree with her.)
She shows parts of the hair cut and then her hair styled at the end. (Styled it looks pretty cute. But really it doesn't look that much shorter IMO. If she would actually curl it every day like this It would look so much better.)
So weird guys. Its so weird. having it soooo short.
Then she shops at a Christmas decor store. (Which I'm sure is what she needs. More Christmas decor. To go with her multiple Christmas trees.)
Complaining about finding her husband something while she looks at her beautiful self in the mirror again. She meets up with him and he's surprised by her hair. Because its so massive a change. (sarcasm mine)
Oh My God. A Beautiful Tree Outside You Guys!
Another mirror she must pose in and stair at her hair.
She does a squinty thing at the camera again. ugh.
She thinks she has a jaw and cheek bone now and wishes the layers were to there.

This is my first synopsis - hopefully I did this right.

 

[MalasaThalassa]

Is there some kind of biological timebomb that turns all dependas into landwhales?

She doesn't even have kids, yet she eats like she sat through an octuplet pregnancy

Also rip their dogs

 

[Lucille's Brands]

April tagged her location on a Facebook post after she moved as Fort Bragg, North Carolina. They bought their new house in July. So it's safe to say they've bought in the surrounding area? Her hairdressing/ shopping puts her in Fayetteville.
(Eurofag here, I know nothing about military, NC etc. )

Her current house.
'Empty House Tour | Tour of our first house | Military Family Empty House Tour North Carolina'

Spoiler: Archive Empty House Tour

The description states that the house pictured in the thumbnail is actually a stock photo. Clever.

Her latest video.

Spoiler: Archive Chopping Off My Hair

She mentions that she has filmed her monthly update, and hated everything she said in it. I'm sure she's aware there's more eyes on her uploads now, and not with good things to say.

It's been remarked on the FA thread before that April's hair is her pride and joy, and she's said she won't cut it. In her videos, in general, she focuses in on what she's most proud of - her weightloss journey, exercise, being a military wife, the dogs, and her hair.
Funny now that she's blanked the diet and exercise challenge set by Chikara/Ilona, and suddenly she's getting her hair cut.
An entire video about it, as the previous poster's said, stupid levels of fretting and anxiety, along with pleas for asspats 'Do you guys like my hair??? Comment down below..'
The shift in topic on April's newest upload is nothing got to do with Ilona clapping back, or her brand new thread here, huh?

This is the first new footage since squatgate, and she mentions nothing about Ilona, the challenge, her subscribers comments, or what she ate or did for exercise that day.
Bet she's real sorry she let Kenny talk her into the 'Squatting for my hubs' video. All she had to do was ignore Ilona, as she normally does.
Still googling April, Kenny? If so, 'hi!'.

Spoiler: Location

Her hairdresser, shown in today's video -


Hairdresser address -


The shop, Betty Kelly's -




April tagging herself, Facebook.
Recently -



Previous to the move.

E - clarity

 

[No Thank You]

April tagged her location as Fort Bragg, North Carolina. They bought their new house in July. So it's safe to say they've bought in the surrounding area? Her hairdressing/ shopping puts her in Fayetteville.
(Eurofag here, I know nothing about military, NC etc. )

Her current house.
'Empty House Tour | Tour of our first house | Military Family Empty House Tour North Carolina'

Spoiler: Archive Empty House Tour

View attachment 2807799

The description states that the house pictured in the thumbnail is actually a stock photo. Clever.

Her latest video.

Spoiler: Archive Chopping Off My Hair

View attachment 2807815

She mentions that she has filmed her monthly update, and hated everything she said in it. I'm sure she's aware there's more eyes on her uploads now, and not with good things to say.

It's been remarked on the FA thread before that April's hair is her pride and joy, and she's said she won't cut it. In her videos, in general, she focuses in on what she's most proud of - her weightloss journey, exercise, being a military wife, the dogs, and her hair.
Funny now that she's blanked the diet and exercise challenge set by Chikara/Ilona, and suddenly she's getting her hair cut.
An entire video about it, as the previous poster's said, stupid levels of fretting and anxiety, along with pleas for asspats 'Do you guys like my hair??? Comment down below..'
The shift in topic on April's newest upload is nothing got to do with Ilona clapping back, or her brand new thread here, huh?

This is the first new footage since squatgate, and she mentions nothing about Ilona, the challenge, her subscribers comments, or what she ate or did for exercise that day.
Bet she's real sorry she let Kenny talk her into the 'Squatting for my hubs' video. All she had to do was ignore Ilona, as she normally does.
Still googling April, Kenny? If so, 'hi!'.

Spoiler: Location

Her hairdresser, shown in today's video -
View attachment 2807836

Hairdresser address -
View attachment 2807838

The shop, Betty Kelly's -
View attachment 2808189

View attachment 2808191

April tagging herself, Facebook.
Recently -

View attachment 2808198

Previous to the move.

View attachment 2808199

I‘m not a military buff, but I believe Fort Bragg is one of the biggest US Army bases in the states (if not the biggest?), and it’s in Fayetteville, where Kenny often tags himself in his ig posts.

The highlighted marker here is the Fort Bragg mixed-use, generically-religious building that holds LDS services on/near base (among other denominations), but I don’t think they live on base, although I’d expect them to live nearby. The other markers on this map are other houses of LDS worship (they use “meetinghouse” for the name of physical locations where they practice, as opposed to church/chapel/etc —temple is a level above regular weekly worship—but that’s just to be purposefully confusing). I don’t know why they don’t go.



April needs her religion in order to maintain a healthy body weight, but also her religion would then demand she begin pumping babies out as soon as she’s able. I wonder if she’s secretly taking birth control, or would start to take it again if her weight got under a 40 BMI and she started ovulating regularly again. There’s something about her that is very untrustworthy, and secret contraception is up there with the kind of thing I think she’s capable of.

That said, I know she blames a lot of her weight gain on BC in the first place, so I wonder if she’ll go full Michelle Duggar and decide the infertility and obesity was a punishment from Heavenly Father for attempting to prevent her spirit-children from arriving early, and she just starts creating and collecting babies with psychotic vengeance.

I also would not be shocked to discover Kenny has an account on the farms. You can’t search without an account, and until now, he’d have had to wade through Marissa’s rants and Lizzo’s deep-fried vegan mukbangs to find relevant posts, casually taking in our opinions on fat girls as he does so.

I‘m excited for the future of this thread!

 

[rutinacea max]

fuck yes, finally a separate April thread.
i wonder what exactly the timeline of her conversion was, since she was linking to mormon sites as far back as 2010 on her twitter.

@Ronnie Rocket - hopefully im not l8 and gay (and massively wrong) with this - per a comment on her facebook page, this is her uncle (Doug Wilson); this must be her sis (Sarah Elizabeth Wilson; crazy eyes run in the family, it seems). which would most probably mean that this (Otis Wilson) is her father and this (Andie Wilson) is her mum. eta: Zack is probably her brother then?
sorry for not properly archiving this but mobilefagging

eta: awww, a 2001 vintage April. almost not batshit insane looking yet

 

[Bart Roetert]

Is it me or does she look fatter in her new video than a few months back?

 

[Help Me Move This Table]

My take on April is that she’s so simple and so normie that she can’t listen to her subconscious long enough to hear it screaming that maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t actually want a kid.

The weight gain seems like a Jazz-esque “Get Out of Jail Free” card from serious responsibility. I really don’t think it’s intentional on her part; just due to simple brain syndrome and the Southern/Religious/Military-Respecter/Bama Football society she lives in, April’s convinced the ONLY way to live a good, normal, happy life is to marry before 30 and have a family.

Then again, maybe she is just a lazy glutton. Those poor fucking dogs!

 

[NoReturn]

She does breakfast, and then the weirdo husband thanks her for his poppers.

Oh I'm sure he's into poppers, alright.

Is it me or does she look fatter in her new video than a few months back?

It's just water weight.

April tagged her location as Fort Bragg, North Carolina. They bought their new house in July. So it's safe to say they've bought in the surrounding area? Her hairdressing/ shopping puts her in Fayetteville.
(Eurofag here, I know nothing about military, NC etc. )

Her current house.
'Empty House Tour | Tour of our first house | Military Family Empty House Tour North Carolina'

She mentions that she has filmed her monthly update, and hated everything she said in it. I'm sure she's aware there's more eyes on her uploads now, and not with good things to say.

It's been remarked on the FA thread before that April's hair is her pride and joy, and she's said she won't cut it. In her videos, in general, she focuses in on what she's most proud of - her weightloss journey, exercise, being a military wife, the dogs, and her hair.
Funny now that she's blanked the diet and exercise challenge set by Chikara/Ilona, and suddenly she's getting her hair cut.
An entire video about it, as the previous poster's said, stupid levels of fretting and anxiety, along with pleas for asspats 'Do you guys like my hair??? Comment down below..'
The shift in topic on April's newest upload is nothing got to do with Ilona clapping back, or her brand new thread here, huh?

This is the first new footage since squatgate, and she mentions nothing about Ilona, the challenge, her subscribers comments, or what she ate or did for exercise that day.
Bet she's real sorry she let Kenny talk her into the 'Squatting for my hubs' video. All she had to do was ignore Ilona, as she normally does.
Still googling April, Kenny? If so, 'hi!'.

Note about location and home tour video archive added to OP.

I also would not be shocked to discover Kenny has an account on the farms. You can’t search without an account, and until now, he’d have had to wade through Marissa’s rants and Lizzo’s deep-fried vegan mukbangs to find relevant posts, casually taking in our opinions on fat girls as he does so.

Everyone say hi to Ken!

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

That said, I know she blames a lot of her weight gain on BC in the first place, so I wonder if she’ll go full Michelle Duggar and decide the infertility and obesity was a punishment from Heavenly Father for attempting to prevent her spirit-children from arriving early, and she just starts creating and collecting babies with psychotic vengeance.

I’ve seen little evidence that she’s particularly observant as a Mormon. I truly think she did it because Mormons are more likely to accept a wife that stays at home. Usually it’s so they raise children but she’s not really interested in that. She definitely likes the stay at home part.

Is it me or does she look fatter in her new video than a few months back?

She’s definitely gaining weight.

My take on April is that she’s so simple and so normie that she can’t listen to her subconscious long enough to hear it screaming that maybe, just maybe, she doesn’t actually want a kid.

She doesn’t. If she did, she’d lose the weight. April just wants to laze about, which very visibly irritates Kenny as we’ve seen over the course of many videos. If she “gives up,” which implies she ever tried in the first place, Kenny might file for divorce and April will have to get a job. Better to just keep lying about wanting kids, even though neither of them really put in the effort.

 

[PotatoFace]

The fat hamster got her feelings hurt again.

 

[That's my purse]

I guess she has gained and is using this and the seasonal period to avoid another weigh-in Wednesday. It's a shame as it was the only thing keeping her accountable (if you believe she's being honest about her readings). I vaguely remembering her saying she's only going to record her weight monthly/quarterly, which defeats the purpose of her channel, no one is interested in her hair swishing, shopping hauls or the public displays of disaffection with Kenny.

 

[Crepidodera fulvicornis]

She finally shares she's getting a whole FOUR INCHES cut off her hair

Uhh, has she ever trimmed her ends then? Even quarterly trimming of healthy long hair requires ~2 inches.

She doesn’t. If she did, she’d lose the weight

Amy hecking Slaton managed to do that. And she thinks that “lunges” refer lunch. April knows how to exercise, probably knows how to eat, according to her old photos — she needed mindful regimen to get those muscles.
So no; no baby bump for you, kenny; get on with it.

 

[George Floyd Sneed]

The fat hamster got her feelings hurt again.

View attachment 2810761

I’m guessing her or Kenny found out she now has a dedicated thread here on Kiwi Farms. April, maybe if you were actually honest with yourself, you wouldn’t have a thread here.

Amy hecking Slaton managed to do that. And she thinks that “lunges” refer lunch. April knows how to exercise, probably knows how to eat, according to her old photos — she needed mindful regimen to get those muscles.
So no; no baby bump for you, kenny; get on with it.

Yep, action speaks louder than words. April is just hot air…and fat. April, you are a stay at home wife with no children or responsibilities. You have 168 hours a week to yourself. You’ve wasted more time on “vlogmas” than you do diet and exercise. Kenny, I’m sure you read this thread - April is never going to get her shit together to have your children. She is very obviously gaining weight and lying to you about what she wants. Time to get that 300+ pound tumor removed.