*The empty parking lot of strip mall. Gloria is in a parking space on a yoga mat, burning incense while sitting in lotus position, meditating. Frank is sitting on a concrete column under a street lamp. He swallows a handful of pills, then lights up a cigarette mumbling to himself. Tram is in front of the store's door, looking nervous. Chris is passive. Stephen looks slightly excited. Aidan pulls up on his bike and dismounts from it, taking his helmet off. Onan runs out of the store, looking on the verge of tears. He gets on his own bike and pedals away.
Aidan (weirded out): Uh... what... is going on?
Tram: We're playing Organic Universe today, right?
Chris: Stephen originally scheduled it, but according to official Organic Universe rules, registered game masters are required to run a game at least once every two months.
Stephen: How was I supposed to know I needed to DM? Eh, but I’m still pretty excited. I get to play Izanagi!
Aidan (still confused): So... who's running this? Is it you Tram?
Tram: Nope. It's...
*The sound of finger cymbals distracts everyone. Gloria is getting up, snuffing out her incense, and rolling up her mat. She approaches the others, with Frank following behind.*
Aidan: So, what was that all about, Gloria?
Gloria: I had to get myself into a good state of mind. I wanted to be in a good place; to be at peace.
Aidan: (statement) ...for a game?
Gloria: Yes. Everyone's here. You good, Frank?
Frank (muttering almost inaudibly): Mmm, gonna do sumethin'. Back. Neck. Hurts. Gonna play.
Gloria: Well then, let’s go.
*Gloria holds the door open and everyone files in. Mathis glares at everyone with an intense look, like a nurse in a hospital trying to be serious when about to tell a family a relative died. They approach the massive table reserved for the Organic Universe games. On it are various medieval weapons... made from PVC and foam. They're actually well done: the duct tape is seamlessly wrapped around the hilts of the weapons. By the weapons is a pyramid of small bean bags. Character sheets and pencils are already laid out in front of the chairs, but accompanying each is a small little black and white book quickly stapled together.
Pan to the end of the table where the GM's large office chair is turned away from the players. It swivels around, revealing Hayden. Hayden is dressed head to toe in a green velvet dress reminiscent of Merida from Brave. A cheap tiara with plastic gems circles her head. She's steepling her fingers in a sinister fashion.*
Hayden (in the most wretched Scottish accent possible): Dia duit, players. Are you prepared for the most epic gaming session of your life? Today, we will be playing...
*In a glorious flourish, Hayden pulls out the official Organic Universe game modules entitled "War in the Red Highlands (for character levels 6-
". Hayden uses an ornate letter opener that's fashioned like some miniature Celtic blade to break the seal on the module.*
Hayden (middle English accent that is only slightly better): Yon adventurers would doest well to read the pamphlet by yon character sheets. You'll see they're the .pdfs of the official Organic Universe Live-Action Role-Playing rules. Thou shouldst learnest it well.
Mathis (yelling from the register): Pick a fucking dialect already.
Hayden (annoyed): Well, this will be a crash course. I can walk you through it. I've picked your characters based on your level, so we can start immediately. Mr. Priest said we can use one of his goat fields to play in. He just told us to watch our steps...
*It’s at this point Hayden gives each member their player sheets, already filled in with all of their equipment. Aiden looks over their sheet and immediately starts at the class and description*
Aidan: (deadpan) Priestess…
Hayden: Well, yes. That's what your character is, right?
Aidan: Uhh, no, I'm just a devout follower of Erisun...
Chris: My character sheet says "alchemist". Alchemists are not official. The Wizard class as specified on page 106 of the Organic Universe character creation guide would be more correct and would perform the Alchemy function...
Gloria: So, why did Onan run out the door? I thought he was playing with us?
Chris: I thought so, too. I even suggested that he could play a paladin, and suggested official characters as well as potential variations that are all up to code. He seemed to like the idea a lot.
Hayden (sighing): First, Paladins don't belong in the Red Highlands. Secondly, he's only level 1, so he couldn’t even play if he wanted to.
Tram: Yet, there were plenty of fucking Samurai running around, weren't there?
Stephen: Guys, it's the flavor. Speaking of which, where’s my Naginata, Parts-the-Rivers, and where’s my Katana?! All I got is this fucking swotd.
Hayden (sighing): Here, just take this one. We'll say it's a fucking katana.
Chris: I'm afraid this alchemist is substandard. Why would he choose poison potions when acid bombs would be more damaging to any enemies.
Aidan (still mortified and deadpan): Priestess...
*Frank looks at his character sheet, sees "rogue", starts strapping on the foam knives without anyone looking. Gloria picks up her character sheet and grimaces a bit*
Gloria: Monk. Wanna trade Aidan?
Aidan: PLEASE!
Hayden: NO SWITCHING!
Aidan: Do I look like a fucking priestess to you?!?
Gloria: Besides, Monks aren't my style. Too serious, too lawful.
Chris (muttering): We may encounter undead or spiders which have immunity to poison. Acid bombs have a small area of effect so...
Tram: I'm not sure I want to look at my character.
Gloria: Not the loadout I'd have made as a cleric. Then again, I usually prefer druids or rangers.
*Frank loads up on fake caltrops that he fashioned from cards, adding it to his sheet too, since any good stealth user has a means to delay pursuers.*
Chris: No tanglefoot bags to limit movement either. It cannot botch and harm us, and can limit many lower level monsters for up to three turns. Focusing purely on poison is so... inefficient.
Tram (finally picks up character sheet): Seriously? Illusionist? *rolls eyes* I guess these "spells" aren't mine. *gestures to bean bag pile*
Stephen: I'm still pissed I don't have a Yumi. Samurai were known for using bows as well as Katana.
*Hayden is starting to get a migraine from all the disjointed commentary.*
Aidan: So why can't I use weapons as a monk? I thought crude weapons or stuff like staves were okay.
Hayden: YOU'RE NOT THE MONK!
Chris (dismayed): No alchemic fire. An ability to burn non-fire redardant material and especially effective against undead. I have to finish it. I have to fix it.
Hayden: IT IS FINISHED!
*Chris is rocking a bit now and muttering*
Chris: Unfinished, unfinished…
Gloria: So, you named my priestess Aribeth Donlethia?
Chris(background): unfinished…
Hayden: No, you are NOT THE PRIESTESS!
Stephen: Alright, I fixed this injustice: My arrow shall pierce the heavens now! Even found a curved stick to be my yumi!
Tram: Take some of this magic for arrows... I'm not just gonna be fucking Gandalf here. (to Gloria): Better than my name "Condor the Dreamweaver". More like a nightmare of a name. I mean shiiit, I'm the one loaded down with magic here, even though most of you motherfuckers get spells.
*Frank is now surrepticiously adding vials of "poison" to his belt. Gloria starts picking up the foam staff and Styrofoam-cut holy symbol. Aidan just gets the leather bracers.*
Tram: Oh look, I can cast "blur" 6 times! I guess I'm just gonna wave my hands in front of me like I'm having a seizure and going, "I'm harder to hit, woooooo!" Oh, and I have... *squints at sheet* Glittering glamour... I should have expected no less from someone dressed like a character from a Disney production of "Pink Flamingoes". Can I even make duplicates and illusions of people? With this confetti catastrophe I doubt it.
Stephen: If you can, we could totally employ the use of Kawarimi, the art of misdirection!
Tram: Yeah whatever. Oh hey, I can create sounds, probably to do some Broadway spectacle with how flamboyant this guy is. *singing* Viklomm, Bienvenue, and Welllllcome....
Gloria: Let's see. First thing I'm going to do is pray that Erisun will allow me to heal all y'all.
Chris: You could also pray for some giant strength, that'll give Aidan a bonus to damage, since he's a monk.
Hayden: ENOUGH! FINE! AIDAN, YOU CAN BE THE FUCKING MONK! GLORIA'S THE PRIESTESS! TAKE YOUR GODDAMN POTIONS AND ARROWS AND.... and... Where's Frank?
* There is no sign of him nearby*
Hayden (resigned): Okay, we settled? Let's begin. *Nailbitingly bad Scottish Accent* I am the fair sorceress ranger Brigidh…
*You see Hayden wince and hear him mutter something in Scots.*
Hayden*Bad oirish accent*: I am the daughter of King Conleth D'Braign, and have been blessed by the goddess of fortune. I hear you are on a great adventure to slay the giants?
Tram: I didn't know that, but I guess I am now. Thank you, questgiver! Where are we going?
Hayden (unruffled, back to Scottish): The Goddess has spoken to me and said I am to guide you in your journeys through the Dark Forest of Mithrashyr...
Gloria (squinting in suspicion): You're... coming with us? Wouldn't our fair princess be safer with daddy?
Hayden (starting to break, mild desperation, bad middle english accent): The king hath beseeched me to join you brave adventurers...
*Aidan just sighs and mutters*
Aidan (stage-whisper): This is just going to be a DMPC wankfest… I wish I left with Onan.
Hayden (Middle English): Hark, was there not a famed thief upon your ranks? I see him not!
Aidan: You mean Frank? Yeah, I dunno where he went.
Tram: He's probably doing thief stuff. Drinking, whoring, stealing from your dad. Or he left; I wouldn't blame him.
Hayden: No matter! We must begin our quest forthwith!
*Hayden stands up, grabs the foam claymore and a bunch of the beanbags*
Chris: You're a sorceress. You do not have proficiency with that weapon. You will be taking a serious penalty to—
Hayden (miffed, Welsh): I am Brigidh, the sorceress-RANGER! I am not ignorant in the ways of a blade!
Aidan: Welp, there goes the story.
Gloria (resigned to DMPC): Along with our participation…
Stephen: So long as my blade tastes flesh and I fulfill my clan's duty; I care not in my role.
Tram: Suck-up.
*Tram, after commenting on Stephen, leans back in their char with a dark look. Shortly after a moment of silence from the group, perks right back up*
Tram (starry eyed fake enthusiasm)Never fear, my princess! I, Endangered Raptor of the Rainbow Pridelands will accompany you in your quest against the giants!
*Aidan flashes the "what the fuck are you thinking, Tram" look.*
Gloria: Well, at least the explosion will be interesting if my hunch on what Tram’s trying to do is right.
Chris: That reminds me; I cannot wait to create thunderstones. It does 3d6 lightning damage. And lightning damage is not commonly absorbed by regular encounters.
Aidan: Fuck this, I need to piss.
*passes by Mathis on the way to the restroom*
Aidan: Did Frank leave?
Mathis (looks out): No, his station wagon's still in the lot. I think he went out back.
Hayden (puzzled from a chunk of the weapons missing already): Well, then we shall begin! I shall lead you all to glory!
*They all head towards the back door, though Gloria is overdramatically leaning on her priestess staff.*
Gloria (sarcastic monotone): Oh, do not be so hasty. I am but an old priestess and I am sworn by the Goddess Erisun, mistress of the hearthfires, to tend to your wounds.
Stephen (walks in front of Hayden, sword brandished): Fear not, Brigidh-hime, I swear upon all my ancestors and the spirit of this sword to protect you.
Hayden (smug, if slightly miffed): I am quite capable of taking care of myself. Perhaps it is I who will protect you, brave warrior.
Stephen (scoffing): I am no mere ronin, I am a noble samurai from the great lands to the East, where Amaterasu greets the world! I have been trained since I could stand to wield this weapon.
*The party wanders towards the meadow behind the mall, which itself borders a small pine barrens where the goats take shelter during the hot part of the day. Hayden points his claymore towards a deer trail that leads in. Throughout all of this, epic music plays, as if they are making a great pilgrimage
As they enter the forest, Tram is rubbing their hands sinisterly. But the shadow slinking through the forest trope zooms by in their peripheral vision. When they check, there's a goat there, just munching on some bark.
Chris panics and throws a poison vial at the goat. It bleats and runs away.*
Hayden (dismayed): Nuuu don't kill the goat!
Chris: Do I gain experience?
Tram: For all we know, that could've been a shapeshifting demon. We probably shouldn't trust anything in this forest. 'Cause, like, giants and stuff.
Gloria: And goats can hurt people sometimes. Ever see a goat attack? It ain't pretty.
Chris: Goats with the draconic Template can easily destroy a character of 12th level or less.
Tram: Wait, you can do that with Wildlife?!
Chris: Appendix C, page 346.
Tram (mind-blown): Whoa…
Gloria: I'll tell you about the time I played a cat-bard next time. Not my longest running character, but one of my favorite ones.
*At this point, the silhouette makes a return, sweeping across the party's peripheral vision*
Tram: Well, Hayden-
Hayden: Brigidh!
Tram: Out-of-character, Hayden. I'm going to give you props for adding the right amount of spookiness for this game.
Hayden: Huh?
*With a whoosh of noise, a silhouette flies across the screen, and people begin tensing up*
Chris: Ambush situation... (fidgeting) Fire not advised, poison inefficient, acid not advised. Too many trees. Splash radius...
Stephen: No worries! COME OUT, ONI! Show yourselves! My 13th Birthday was celebrated by slaying the dread Oni Goro of Mutsu province. Their gaijin cousins don't frighten me.
Gloria: I'd like to state that now would be the time I buff our fighting specialist –
Stephen: Izanagi.
Gloria: Izanagi's strength with Erisun's blessing.
Chris: If they are demons, I don't think we have good enough enchantments to take them on. My character has no magic weapons, even though at 7th level, we should at least have a weapon or armor with a magical bonus of +1...
*Whoosh, the silhouette now is leaping in between gaps in the woods, closer than last time*
Tram (looking at character sheet): Oh sur-fucking-prise that I don't have one, either... It's almost like we aren't optimized for this...
Stephen (quickly checks character sheet): Huh, I really don't have a magic blade, either... NO MATTER! I need no magic, my skill is enough! Master sword crafters such as Muramasa and Masamune more than make up for a dearth in magic.
Hayden: Uhh... guys?
Chris: Open field; it forces the ambusher to reveal themselves. It will also notably improve our own perception checks.
*A tap to the back and Hayden jumps a foot and shrieks and the rest of the party almost unleashes themselves on Aidan, who is rather unaffected other than a mild look of boredom*
Aidan: So, Brigit, right? What do the giants look like? What do you know about them?
Hayden: Yii! Don't do that!
*beat*
Chris (still thinking outloud): No. That will give the enemy a bonus to their perception checks in tracking us.
Aidan: Who's tracking what?
Hayden(Scottish Accent of fail): Why were you trying to give us such a fright?!
*Gloria is just in the back rolling her eyes*
Aidan: I wasn't doing anything. I just asked Mathis where you guys were going, and I just caught up with you.
*At that point Gloria is beginning to get what the fuck is going on, eyes lighting up in recognition*
Tram: That our loadout is kind of a joke?
Gloria: No, no its-
* A shadowy form braced with knives leaps down from a branch in a tree and lands after a combat roll*
Tram: JESUS CHRIST!
*Chris panics and chucks an acid flask at Frank. Hayden shrieks like a girl and adds a beanbag to the assault. Stephen curses and draws his blade.*
Stephen: Kuso jigoku! Shine!
Gloria: Our rogue has arr—
* Hayden and Chris throw another bag each.*
Hayden: ICE BOLT! ICE BOLT!
Stephen: Aji-ko! Tsubame Gaeshi!
*Stephen tries to slice at Frank in an upward and downward arc, while he dodges and his eyes go fucking wide and his face pales. Tram starts sloooooowly backing away. Gloria begins to recognize the "look" that starts developing on Frank's face.*
Gloria: Guys! Back off! Out-of-character time! Back off!
Hayden: This rogue decided to betray us and stole many of our weapons! He deserves this!
Stephen: Oh... oh no.
*Stephen immediately drops his sword and falls back behind Chris, who is only just now aware that something is wrong with Frank*
Chris: Is Frank alright? He looks like he's about to faint.
Gloria: Frank, let's take a break. Hayden. It's lunch time... we should think about getting some food right now.
Hayden: Frank! You asshole! You're ruining my game!
Hayden hurls another beanbag, when Frank’s eye twitches, his face visibly tenses, and his eyes go bloodshot. Frank lunges forward, grabs Chris and holds the foam knife to his throat.*
Chris (Panicked): I’m gonna die, I’m gonna die!
Gloria: Now you've done it. Here's to hoping poor Frank doesn't get in trouble again.
Hayden: W-wha?
Gloria: He has PTSD, and you just made him flash back to Nam... he has a lot of bad memories there.
Aidan: Gee, "triggering" someone by what you say? Privilege? Checking? Think before you open your fucking mouth?
Gloria: Now's not the time for that shit.
Frank: Chàng không sao, hoặc là bạn cho tôi biết nơi mà các phần còn lại của bạn bè của bạn đang có, hoặc gia đình của bạn sẽ phải khóc thương bạn khi họ tìm thấy cơ thể. (Translation: Okay guy, either you tell me where the rest of your buddies are, or your family's going to have to mourn you when they find the body.)
*Tram (recognizes vaguely what he’s saying, but checks. Calls mom, puts on speaker) to hear. Since Frank is high as a kite from opiates AND triggered, he has forgotten his own strength. Chris is being dragged up the tree bark. Chris is genuinely crying now.*
Frank: Khóc không phải đi để giúp đỡ, nói chuyện hoặc tôi sẽ làm một số shit cùng bạn đã làm cho Công ty Baker. Tôi nghe thấy rằng những con chuột đang đói. (Translation: Crying's not going to help, talk or I'll do some of the same shit you did to Baker Company. I hear that the rats are hungry.)
Aidan/Hayden (to Gloria): What the hell is going on?!?
Aidan: He's hurting Chris! What do we do? He's going to kill him!
Tram (grandma gets on because Mom speaks mostly English)
Grandma Tri: Hello? Hello? (Hearing Vietnamese and switches to it) Chuyện gì đang diễn ra? Đó là ai? (Translation: What is going on? Who is that?)
Frank: Nói cho tôi biết nơi mà một số bạn bè của bạn. (Translation: Tell me where some of your friends are.)
Grandmother Tri: My friends? They are next door. We are playing mahjongg tonight. (Translation: Bạn bè của tôi? Họ là những cánh cửa tiếp theo. Chúng tôi đang chơi Mahjongg tối nay.)
*Frank is slowly lowering Chris, he's starting to get really confused.*
Grandmother Tri: Chúng tôi luôn luôn có thể sử dụng máy nghe nhạc khác. Tại sao bạn không đến đây và chúng tôi có thể trao đổi một số câu chuyện? Chúng tôi đang làm phở! (Translation: We could always use another player. Why don't you come here and we can swap some stories? We're making pho!)
*Frank turns, sees Tram, flashes to village kid holding a tet log (traditional new year rice roll) rather than a phone. He looks guilty, as Chris now looks more like a villager than a Vietcong guerilla. He looks conflicted about this. A passenger jet flies above them, the noise from it being rather noticeable. Frank, in the midst of his hallucination, sees a series of F-4 Phantoms airstriking the village around him, and he drops Chris and flees from the conflagration, panic on his face from the attack.*
Chris (shaken): Thank God and Jesus he didn’t take me away too. Let us never do a LARP again please.
Stephen: Yep. Definitely just gonna host a tabletop of World of Darkness when I apply as a DM. Kono tawagoto o fakku.
Aidan: Guys, not the time to be thinking of games.
Gloria: Great, now we have to find him.
Hayden: Why? He literally tried to murder us!
Gloria: Frankie’s currently going through a hell of his own creation and is currently as dangerous to himself as he is to others.
Tram: Yo, I got a phone. Shouldn’t I do something responsible and smart, like calling the police?
Gloria: Could we hold off a bit before that? Frank has a bit of a history with police, and he’s been doing so well lately I really don’t want to see him be sent back to rehab. *Fingering crystal necklace*
Aidan: He’s still dangerous to others as well as himself.
Hayden: He also tried to kill one of us. I don’t like doctors all that much either, but he definitely needs to go back for a while.
Stephen: No. Gloria-baasama is right. Frankie’s nakama, and we don’t abandon nakama. Besides, it was our fault he got like this anyway.
Tram: Wow… that’s actually pretty mature coming from you.
Stephen: Hey! I’m just stating what’s true. A real man owns up to his sins anyway.
Tram *doubting*: Oookayy…
Chris: I would like to state that considering Frank is still moving; it is advisable that we follow after him in order to both prevent more damage, and be there should authorities be needed.
*The group looks as one at Chris, realize that this is true and collectively sigh as they realize they let Frank get away*
Aidan: Please tell me that someone paid attention to which direction he ran off; otherwise things get a lot more annoying.
*The group looks completely lost when asked this. Aidan sighs and just shakes his head. Right as Tram begins to dial for 911, Hayden perks up.*
Hayden: I think he went back.
Tram: And how do you know this? Elfkin powers? Butt talking?
Hayden: Listen really hard and stop being rude.
*Tram and Aidan both roll their eyes at this, but decide to just for a moment do this. Gloria shockingly is the first to notice something.*
Gloria: Is… that a car alarm? And engine?
Aiden: Yes. It sounds like a Toyota engine, like from a Prius or Carolla.
Stephen: It better not be my mom’s car! Nakama or no I will kick Frank’s ass!
Aidan: Welp, it’s the only lead we got. Either way, Tram, I’d--
Tram: Recommend to keep doing what I’m doing with my phone and have it on hold; got it.
*The group doubles back to follow the sound of the car alarm. They brush through the animal trail with ease, with goats mostly just grazing placidly along the way. The group makes it back to the game shop and they hear signs of a disturbance*
Aidan: Prius... Wait, who owns a Prius?
Tram: Beside’s Stephen’s mom?
Stephen: Shut up! ...it's a Leaf.
Aidan: Well it can't be your mom's then. Electric cars don't make a lot of noise. And that's a Nissan, not Toyota.
Chris: Doesn't Mathis drive a 2002 Toyota Prius?
Everyone: Oh shit!
*The group runs to the front of the store and see something amazing. The group sees a positively angry Mathis holding a trapped Frank in a sleeper hold next to a venerable Prius with a broken driver’s window. Frank tries to curse him out, but then goes out like a light a few seconds later due to a lack of oxygen.*
Mathis: Teach you to fuck with my car when I let you come here!
*He looks at the crew with annoyance*
Mathis: When he wakes up, tell him his ass is banned for a month. I can’t have people snap like that in my shop; even if they’ve served.
Stephen: Does… this mean he’s not going back to rehab?
Mathis: ‘Course not. The only thing he needs to worry about is the price tag for a new window. Now if you excuse me, I’ve got a business to run. One of you take this jackass home.
*Mathis walks back to the shop muttering about insurance as the rest of the group looks awkwardly at each other.*
Chris: I take it that this is the end of the session.
Hayden: …yeah.
Gloria: It could’ve been worse.
Hayden: How could it have been worse?!
Tram: We could’ve wound up in handcuffs and spent a night in jail.
Chris: And Frank could have been sent to a ward again rather than just be banned for the month.
Tram: It was only a complete failure rather than the worst fucking thing that we’ve ever experienced.
Gloria: As mentioned, it could’ve been worse. *cut to black* Much worse.
