You assholes ready? I'm not. I'd rather just eat my macaroni in peace without this horseshit.
I AM JAZZ SEASON 7 EPISODE 9
-Jeanette barges into Jazz's room wearing a Harvard jacket. She's brought a present. Surprise! It's wax! She's going to shave Jazz's unfathomably hairy legs. Apparently, Jazz hasn't shaved his legs in TWO FUCKING YEARS. Such girl behavior. Even I don't go that long without a shave on a bad week. Of course Jeanette is doing it since she's creepy and Jazz has no instinctual drive towards womanhood.
-Jazz whines about shaving his legs. He pretends it's a hippie thing and not a man thing. Jazz splays out in a display of pure Islamic content.
Suddenly, I don't want my macaroni anymore.
-Their gay "family friend" who is "like a brother to Jazz" is about to come over. Totally not a paid extra. He was in other seasons but I don't remember him at all. He'll give advice about college.
-Jeanette fucks up the shaving. The shaving cream explodes and uh...let's just say that it on Jazz's open legs is uh..I mean it looks kind of...ANYWAY MOVING ON (deadinside.jpg)
-Sander and Noah hand out. Noah has very feminine hips. They sit by the pool while Noah complains about top scars. Sander pretends to be engaged. Noah equally so. They clearly barely know each other. Sander says he's not reaaally into dating Hope. That said, he spergs about accepting the girldick.
-Sander talks about his "uneducated" friends who aren't interested in girldicks. Apparently a friend used the word "transvestite" in public and Sander had to shut down the entire room lecturing them about the word. He's still single, ladies! Sander is afraid of having his friends not offend Noah when they meet.
-Jazz and gay Raymond go play tennis. Jazz sucks at it. Raymond talks about how much stress Jazz has. Jazz is worried about getting straight A's at Harvard. He gets more out of breath the farther they go. Jazz claims that he's "come a long way" on an emotional level. He also wants to go vegan/vegetarian in college. PFFT sure.
-Jazz claims that he "didn't study that much" in high school and got straight A's without challenging himself. BULL FUCKING SHIT YOU /HAVE/ TO STUDY IF YOU'RE IN AP CLASSES. No one is top of their class without studying. I smell LIESSSSS.
-Jazz at work. Jesus, he looks so shitty in that suit. He's going to chaperone another victim with Dr. Gall. This ftm is fucking 19 years old preparing for top surgery. Has the standard ftm acne and squeaky voice complete with pedo glasses!
-Jazz watches the breast examination and relates it to when he had a penis. This fucking show is a house of horrors. Jazz is propositioned to fucking WATCH Dr. Gall perform a surgery because this is a literal cult grooming rite of passage. Jazz pretends to be enthused.
-Jazz talks to Raymond about this awful bill they want to force across the country. Jazz wears tie-dye leggings. Super tacky. Jazz whines about Jeanette never leaving him alone.
-Jazz wants to explore his sexuality in college. Jazz still identifies as pansexual. Oh my poor, poor dear. I'm so sorry.
-Some other gay guy shows up like this isn't staged. He was the dance teacher for the drag show last season. They twirl some rainbow ribbons around like a bunch of autists.
-Jazz gets ready to speak to the Secretary of Education to force this fucking bill. Griffen joins him over Zoom. This is fucking BULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLSHIIIIIIT. Sander is in full lawyer getup and looks like a dweeb. Jazz whines about being "bullied" in elementary school and how he couldn't use the girl's bathroom WAHHHHH. I knew a kid (straight white male no less!) in high school that got knifed. Another girl nearly lost her mind after false rumors spread that she'd fucked the librarian. My dweeby best friend got trashed and beat up for being an adopted ginger. Jazz got told he had cooties. Bullied, my ass.
-Sander, Noah, and the bros hang out, complete with Raymond. Oh boy, here we go. Based bro pretty much says that he's not about to date a trans woman. Noah gets testy almost instantly. Raymond claims guys just pretend to not be into trans women because of stigmas. Based bro says he wants biological kids. Noah reeeeees. Holy shit this is funny. Noah is so fucking sour and hostile.
-Based bro brings up that trans people shouldn't lie about being trans. MEGA REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. JUST ACCEPT THE RAPE BIGOT. "DO YOU ASK EVERYBODY ABOUT THEIR CRIMINAL RECORD?!?!?!!111" Just chillin' with the boys, Noah. This is what you wanted. Based bros back off and are clearly rattled and uncomfortable by the fucking lasers coming from Noah's eyes.
-Raymond talks to Jeanette about Jazz before he leaves for the airport. He's not sure if Jazz is ready for college. He thinks Jazz is taking on a lot of change at once. Jeanette is salivating. She's dead-set on going up with Jazz and does not plan on coming home until she's sure Jazz is settled. So never.
-"She hasn't been in a social situation since tenth grade". O O F.
-Raymond says Jazz should be independent and tells her to book a return flight. Even this paid extra knows that Jeanette is creepy and narc.
-NEXT WEEK: Season finale! Jazz witnesses a ftm nipple surgery and loses the last of his innocence, Jazz is excited to be going to Harvard while the grandparents call him fat, Jeanette freaks out over Jazz leaving and lists four different doctors that look after Jazz regularly, Jazz heads to Harvard!!!!(VOMIT).
Almost there, kiddos. This episode was pretty entertaining. Until next time!