Angry, and sad, at the world. I find my mind drifting towards the past, remembering all that has happened in my life. It's sombering to think about how the times have gone by.
The man who was essentially my dad died back in late June, and it's been a peculiar experience. I hadn't seen him in a decade due getting away from his drug use when it got to a bad point. I was angry for the longest time; angry that he had done my mother and me dirty while I was in the hospital for major heart surgery,angry for making me fear for my life one night, and angry for a lie he told everyone. You'd think I'd be glad at his demise, or even apathetic.
Unfortunately, that's not the case. A few days before he died, I talked to my sister about my thoughts on that ordeal, and concluded that ultimately it wasn't his fault due to doctors getting him hooked on opioids. He wasn't a bad man, but he had his demons that he had trouble controlling at the time. I've been emotional over the whole thing as he was my dad and stepped up to that role when my biological father did not.
If I hadn't told a friend I would stop, I'd light up a cigarette right now. It's a harrowing experience with regrets, but I'd rather it happen like this than to have made more.
