Jerry Peet / Lily Orchard / Lily Peet / Valkyrstudios / Bhaalspawn / Tara Callie / "Mod Ebara" - Sociopath writer of pedophile fanfiction and cartoon reviews, faked getting raped to force a divorce, then mobbed and gaslit their ex off Tumblr, satanist neoliberal of the MovieSlob variety, also wants to fuck dogs and/or pokemon

[Son Goku Baku]

Let's see how long this shit can go before it stops being funny.

Chapter 7:

Matt made a spell that it's supposed to make Peter a better person and is not working. When Peter keeps mocking Meg for having a kid with a dead man, he tries to punch him but hits Meg instead and the way it's treated is hilarious because this reads more as Matt is annoyed at the situation than concern. Also I guess God is an asshole for not curing the cancer of some kid, but Matt's not for not using his divine powers to cure his girlfriend.

His fist collided with the only thing behind Peter...Meg's jaw. Meg was knocked off her seat, and
slammed her head into the counter. Everyone froze, and Matt looked at his hands in terror. Running over, he
cradled Meg's unconcious form in his arms, as he yelled for Lois to call an ambulance.
"God, I feel so bad right now", Matt said, "I mean, I may have killed my girlfriend and unborn child".
"Don't beat yourself up Matt, this could happen to anyone", Lois said, putting a hand on his shoulder.
"Oh yeah, every guy in the world knocks out his girlfriend with a Shadow Punch", Matt said sarcastically.
"I'm trying to look at this from a logical point of view", Lois said.
"Logical?", Brian said, "Lois, Meg might die. Matt hit her pretty hard, and then she slammed her head against the
counter".
"Yeah, or she could just have permanant brain damage", Chris said.
"Or she could just forget about all of us", Peter replied.
"You know, surprisingly enough, none of this is making me feel beter", Matt said.

Police come to talk to Matt. Very serious matters. Very emotional times.

"Yes, I punched her, but it was an accident, I swear", Matt said, "I would never do anything to hurt Meg".

"Well, either way, were waiting for her to wake up to see if she wants to press Assault charges", the seargant said.
"I see", Matt said, "Is that all?".
"Yes, you may go", the seargant said.

Meg has amnesia and now is bad.

Meg had changed greatly after losing her memory, by which she became a snot nosed bitch to
everyone.

She had drastically changed her appearance, by
which she had reverted to her old makeover look. This appearance disgusted Matt. She was no longer the cute,
and sweet woman he had fallen in love with. Now, she was nothing more than a two dollar slut.

True love.

"What the fuck are you crying about", Meg sneered, whipping back her now blonde hair.
"Oh piss off Meg", Matt said, "You know, now I see why your family hates you so much. You such a bitch". He
stormed back down the stairs.
"Yeah, that's right", Meg called, "Run away you walking corpse".
Matt stopped dead in his tracks, and drew his sword. Turning around, he slowly advanced on Meg, "What the fuck
did you just call me?".
"A walking corpse", Meg laughed, "What are you going to do about it?".
"That's it. I have had it with this snot nosed attitude of yours", Matt said with anger, "I'm going to restore your
memory".
"Oh?", Meg sneered, "And how are you going to do that?".
"I'm going to kick your ass, that's how", Matt said, igniting the blade of his sword with a glowing fire.

The trend of Liliana of casually torturing characters she claims to love started here. We're looking at history.

"My god, Matt", Lois said in fear, watching Matt repair the window instantly, "What did you just do?".
"Something that had to be done", Matt said, "There is a fifty fifty chance that I healed her memory, or killed her".
"You just attacked and brutally beat Meg to a pulp", Peter said, "That is awesome".
"Shut up Peter", Matt said, a cold look in his red eyes, "That was a healing spell. It is the only spell that completley
heals the...victim, if you must...but if it is done improperly, it can kill the person".
(A/N: If anyone wants to complain about the Meg Bashing on the actual show again, just remember this:
There will never be a Meg Bashing gag as bad as what I just did...by doing it literally)

Sexual assault and battery are okay when Mattiana does it.

Meg looked at his sword, which was covered in blood...then it came to her: that blood was her blood! She
screamed for help, but Matt silenced her by kissing her. Meg was terrified at this moment. Her memory was
completley fine now, but she remembered exactly what Matt had done to her. When he pulled back, she started to
cry.
"Y-y-you a-a-attacked me", Meg stammered, "Why?".
"Meg, I feel so bad for what I have done", Matt explained, "But it was the only spell I knew of that would heal your
memory".
"So...you don't hate me for what I said to you?", Meg asked.

Matt simply responded by pulling her into his embrace, and holding her tightly. Meg cried into his shoulder, then
another though hit her: Had Matt harmed their baby?
Matt placed a hand on her stomach, and smiled.
"The baby's fine", he said, "It was not the target of my assault".

Meg has a lot of bones broken, including her skull, so she can't move from bed. Matt has another badass moment.

Meg smiled at him, and laid back down. She fell asleep, and Matt gently stroked her hair. Getting up, he walked
outside, and sheathed his sword. After what had happened today, he hoped he would never have to draw it again.

Liliana literally never changed.

Yeah, if anyone has a problem with that fight scene, I direct no offense by saying: "Too Bad".

Chapter 8:

It's Christmas Eve.

Matt went back to flipping through his Libram, trying to find some way to heal Meg's arm, which was still broken,
even after six months. After looking at the very last healing spell, which was the last one he had used, he decided
to go for it again.
"Alright Meg, stand up", Matt said, "I'm going to try Blade Healing again".
"Um...alright", Meg said, standing up.
Matt ignited his blade with a bright light, and slowly pushed it tnto Meg's stomach up to the hilt. After a few minutes,
the sling on Meg's arm fell away, and was completley healed. Pulling his sword out, he sat down again.
"That was it?", Meg asked, surprised, "You beat the crap out of me last time!".
"You called me a walking corpse", Matt said simply, "I was pissed".
"You make jokes about you own death all the time", Meg said.
"I am dead, so those jokes are free to me", Matt said, "If I was black, I could make black jokes. If I was Jewish, I
could make Jewish jokes, but I'm not, so I can't".

They pass in front of the house of Matt's family and his parents don't understand that it's not just a phase.

Karen and Jordon ran out, and screamed in delight when they saw their son. They ran up to him, and tried to hug
him, but he pushed them away.
"I am not your son anymore, Karen", he said, "Nor yours Jordon".
"What are you talking about?", Karen said, "And what is she doing here?".
"I am Meg's Guardian Angel", Matt explained, "And also the father of her child. She is the only family I have, and I
think I speak for the both of us when I say 'Go fuck yourself'".
"Don't you speak to your mother that way, boy", Jordon said.
"I didn't", Matt said, "Because she is not my mother, Jordon".
"Listen", Karen said, "You are going to leave her, and come back home with us, right now".
"No", Matt said, "I live with Meg...she is my family. I am dead, and she is the one who I am to guard. I love her more
than anything in the world, so leave me alone".

Matt showing he's a good boyfriend.

Then it came to him: He hadn't gotten Meg a gift for christmas! Running out of the house,
he streaked down the road with surprising speed, trying to find a store that was open. This was around the time that
he realized that he was dead nad had no money, but there was always a different approach.
Teleporting to Heaven, he headed down the road to what used to be his house. Walking in, he flipped through the
contents, until he found something great. It was a golden ring with four different stones around the band. Pulling his
elbow back in triumph, he teleported back down to Earth, and tucked the ring into his pocket. He headed upstairs,
and got into bed...or bench if you will. Meg stirred when he came in, but Matt urged her to go back to sleep.

More Star Wars references.

Matt finally opened his, and found a new set of robes from Lois. They were still black, but designed a different way.
(A/N: Look up the Adventurer Robe from The Force Unleashed, then picture it black).

Meg thinks the rings Matt is proposing and Matt's too stupid to think of that before, but proposes anyway.

"But, you're marriage would not be legal", Lois said, "No priest will marry you without a license".
"Brian is an ordained minister", Meg said, "And who cares about some fucking license. This wedding is not for the
world, it's for us. We think it's valid, and that's all that matters".
"Well", Lois said, "Alright. If you're sure you know what you're doing".

Poor Liliana of the past is working so hard on these chapters, can't you tell?

Some people have said that I rush these chapters, but that's not true. Being sixteen, poor and having little
interests in life, I spend a lot of time on these chapters. The usual time it takes to write a chapter is
anywhere from five to seven hours.

Chapter 9:

Matt casts a spell to have the perfect wedding. For the ocassion Matt is dressing like a Star Wars character. Megs walks down the aisle too slow and no, it's not because she's eight month pregnant but because she's milking the attention on her own wedding. Maybe Matt should beat her some more to fix that. I guess a threat works too.

"Meg if you don't get your ass over here, I'm leaving", he said.

Meg sprinted to Matt's side, stopping the March short. Why anyone would make a single song loop fifty times is beyond me, but then again, I play Guitar Hero, and have submitted to endlessly repeating sequences, and I sort of forgot where I was going with this. Anyway, Meg stood eagerly at Matt's side, while Brian stood in front of them both, a few sheets of paper in his hands.

The self awareness of Past Liliana's something to behold.

"Soooooooo...You got nuthin?", Brian asked.

"Yep", he said.

"Me too", Meg said, looking at Matt and smiling.

(A/N: Actually, I probably could've found something great for them to say, but I'm too much of a lazy cunt to do so)

An unexpected cameo.

Meg and Matt drew closer, but just like when he was alive, their lips barely brushed together when there was an interruption. Life and Death had erupted into coughing fits that drew everyone's eyes.

"Were, (cough), okay", Death said, managing to supress any further coughs.

Meg and Matt turned back to each other, and kissed tenderly. Everyone in the uncomfortable plastic chairs stood up and clapped for two reasons. One, the two lovers who had just gotten married, and two: because the chairs were making their asses sore.

Megs broke her water. I don't know how to describe this.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH", Meg screamed, "Matt, I don't want to have the baby anymore".

"Oh really?", Matt said, "Okay doc, cut her loose and we'll be on our way".

"Mrs Ryder", the doctor said, "You push or I'm cutting the epidural".


FWOOOM! The baby was out. The doctor, surprised at the sudden birth, missed the baby. The newborn girl, however, managed to grab onto the clamp and support herself. The doctor stood back, and smiled.

"That's your daughter Mr Ryder", he said.

"Yeah", Matt replied, "And she's hanging off my wife's crotch, PICK HER UP! This is not cervix du solei, my friend".

Jaina Elizabeth Ryder is born. She has wings. Stewie fell instantly in love with her. She can walk and talk despite being a newborn because Divine Powers.

"LOIS!", he yelled, "Where are you! It is time for my lu--", he stopped when he saw Jaina sitting on the couch. Stewie was entranced by her long silvery hair that cascaded down to her waist. Her wings made her even more perfect.

Brian walked back into the room, and Stewie pulled him aside.

"Dog, who is that baby", Stewie said, "She's absolutely stunning".

Brian smiled wickedly at the plan in his mind, "Oh, that's Jaina".

"Jaina", Stewie repeated, "That's a pretty name".

Brian looked at the ethereal look on Stewie's face, then decided the timing was perfect, "Yep, she looks like her mother".

"Oh? And who's her mother", Stewie said, continuing to stare at Jaina.

"Meg", Brian said.

"Oh, that's nice...wait a second", Stewie said, realizing the truth, "OH MY GOD! I WAS JUST ATTRACTED TO MY OWN NEICE!".

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

"NATO is like the Horde, if you attack one of them, you're attacking all of them!"

Yes, Lilly, that's how alliances work; it's kind of the point of forging alliances. Why are you acting like this is unique?

Now this is an autistic as fucking hell take.

The Horde always attacks first, Jerry still can't Warcraft.

 

[starborn427614]

The whole "God is a bad guy" shtick is so overdone it has to be a goddamn trope by this point. Oh wait, IT FUCKING IS!
Hell, even Onision did the whole "God is an evil asshole" thing.

You want to impress me? Make God sympathetic. Make him a tired old man who has lost all control over his creation and now works round the damn clock just trying to keep it from imploding. Make him something like Santa from Road to the North Pole. Just a tired, beaten down old man who would really just like a day off.

But the whole "God is absolutely evil and needs to be destroyed" bit has been so played out by every edgelord teenage asshole that it really has almost no entertainment value left, especially with Jerry's craptastic characters who seem, if anything, just as unlikable as he makes God.

"God" in Lily's eyes is just any authority figure really. It may as well be her mum.

 

[ÁchtunaRoll]

Lily Orchard's Official Tumblr, … I’ve heard a rumor that you were a …

archived 27 Feb 2022 06:54:41 UTC

archive.vn

Self ask is obvious but I’m floored she doubled down. This is too funny. No Lily, you pretended full stop. Emily and Leana [or Liana] Gaudet aren’t real.

A normal person would be like: ’Look, I was a kid working through some heavy emotions with escapist fantasy.’ But no it’s all real. Lily ffs give it up.

She’s Fic Sperging

If anyone still doubts that Matt Ryder has just turned into Aliana, and that Lily hasn’t changed since 09’ then you should read this thread:

Lily Orchard on Twitter: "Anyway, that's for listening to me gush." /…

archived 27 Feb 2022 10:48:27 UTC

archive.md

Spoiler: For Length

 

[SubarashiiRage]

If anyone still doubts that Matt Ryder has just turned into Aliana, and that Lily hasn’t changed since 09’ then you should read this thread:

Lily Orchard on Twitter: "Anyway, that's for listening to me gush." /…

archived 27 Feb 2022 10:48:27 UTC

archive.md

Spoiler: For Length

undefined

I think it's pathetic, but pretty fitting that Lily thinks being smug is the same thing as being socially and politically savvy, believing that pissing people off makes you smarter than they are.

"I believe we have been outplayed"
"Snoke has nothing to say"
"Humiliate her, as she has humiliated me" (God, that's just cringe)

Aliana can only pretend to be smart because Lily has to make everyone stupid around her
In the movie Snoke knew about the transports and where they were going even though he was not told by Hux, implying that his power to see the future is very strong and that he only fails to predict the actions of other strong force users individually.
but Aliana is so amazing that everyone has to pay attention to her and only her

and also
Snoke: I don't care about laws and traditions, I will build my empire following my own vision that I will enforce on the galaxy
Aliana: typical Jedi

this is not a smart answer it's just deliberately ignorant just to be annoying, Aliana studies history and doesn't know the difference between how Jedi and Sith operate ?

Lily doesn't know how to write dialogue and is especially terrible when she has to write someone opposing her OCs and she believes it to be "Maximum Ultimate Swagger"

 

[ÁchtunaRoll]

Excuse the double post but Lily's arrested development made me almost miss her trying and failing to get attention through another horrible Twitter Thread.

My man Dan knows what's up.
ETA: HAH

Spoiler: The Thread

 

[Son Goku Baku]

View attachment 3023543

Lily Orchard's Official Tumblr, … I’ve heard a rumor that you were a …

archived 27 Feb 2022 06:54:41 UTC

archive.vn

Self ask is obvious but I’m floored she doubled down. This is too funny. No Lily, you pretended full stop. Emily and Leana [or Liana] Gaudet aren’t real.

A normal person would be like: ’Look, I was a kid working through some heavy emotions with escapist fantasy.’ But no it’s all real. Lily ffs give it up.

She’s Fic Sperging
View attachment 3023554
If anyone still doubts that Matt Ryder has just turned into Aliana, and that Lily hasn’t changed since 09’ then you should read this thread:
View attachment 3023559

Lily Orchard on Twitter: "Anyway, that's for listening to me gush." /…

archived 27 Feb 2022 10:48:27 UTC

archive.md

Spoiler: For Length

View attachment 3023560
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It's weird that she decides not only this bit of "trivia" to resurface but also decides that is the story she's sticking with, because she doesn't have the same excuses about the Family Guy fanfiction like she has Stockholm about how someone else wrote the bad parts just to make her look bad but the original Stockholm was so good, trust me.

She was 16-17 when she wrote these fics. She actually could say that she wrote all the edgy stupid shit and it doesn't matter because she was a stupid edgy child at the time. Nobody would have cared enough about her, another teen boy on the internet, to grab her fics to do anything to them. But if she insist that Emily is totally real and it was totally her real biological daughter, that means she admits to have turned the characters based on her dead daughter into a incestuous 16 year old sex object that is in love with her father and uncle.

Liliana, it actually makes you look so much worse to insist that she's real. I don't believe you would be capable of ever admiting to lie, so why not just ignore it? Pretend it never happened, just like you pretend that you didn't catfished people in order to get their nudes and sexually manipulate them into doing what you want, like you pretend you didn't used money and manipulation to get bestiality porn in some bizarre plot to take revenge on your then girlfriend. Just ignore, sweep it under the rug, so I don't have to imagine you looking at a real life toddler and thinking that she'd fall in love with her father if you had your way.

Edit:

The other chapters.

Chapter 10:

Spoiler

God wants to kill Jaina because it’s an abomination. His plan is to burn the house with “holy fire” while keeping the rest of the family on the basement. After Mattiana saves them, asking for Jaina, sees that God left a note on the door. How thoughtful of him.

'We have taken your daughter to keep order in the holy land. You have broken the rules and created a monster hybrid of Life and Death. She will be disposed of in the appropriate manner Ryder. You have been stripped of your title as a Guardian Angel, and I demand you return your powers to Heaven.'

Matt's fist wrapped tightly around the small piece of parchment. A fury like none other was shooting through him, the likes of which he had never felt. A dark, crawling shadow was enveloping his body, and he let out an almighty yell. Storming into the house, he removed his old robes, and pulled on the robes Lois had given him. Using his powers to turn them a mixture of black and blood red, he set his two swords into their scabbards, and headed back outside.

Matt goes to heaven and is a badass. Jaina is tied to a cross and God is holding a knife to her throat.

"DADDY!" she screamed, "HELP! HE'S GOING TO KILL ME!"

"No he's not, sweetie," Matt said, the deep echo now gone, "I'm not going to let that happen."

"This is beyond your control," God said, "You have broken the most important of all rules."

"I don't give two flying fucks about your rules," Matt said, "But if it's a fight you want, it's a fight you will get!"

Liliana is having a moment here.

Matt turned back to God, and spoke loudly, "Today, a God will be exposed for the apathetic, and evil bastard that he is. I am not going to let you get away with any of this anymore. Let's see what happens when you kill a God!"

(A/N: Start playing "Heroes Of Our Time" in the background)

Mattiana kills God. Then the story pulls a Terminator.

Who are you?" Matt asked.

"My name is Kyle," said one man, "And this is Aaron."

"We have come from the year 2034," Aaron said, "And we need your help."

"What is it?" Matt asked.

"Well, when you killed God, your daughter Jaina spent her whole life training in Shadow Power," Kyle said, "She was intending to become a hero like you. But paranoia and corruption of the Shadow took over, and she became a violent being, bent on destruction. Upon turning sixteen, she ravaged the world, destroying everything in her wake. You dissapeared, while your family was killed in her rampage, so we have come back to get you to help us defeat her."

Chapter 11:

Spoiler

Mattiana travels to the future and kills Teen Jaina. He feels bad about it and thinks maybe he’s a bad person, but Meg reassures him that “bad things keep happening to you” and every single person he has killed until now were justified. Baby Jaina saw the event on Mattiana’s head and won’t be bad anymore so her father doesn’t have to kill her.

Very boring chapter.

Chapter 12:

Spoiler

(A/N: This is not an actual clip show, but a mostly dialouge chapter with as many cutaways as I can manage. Be warned, not all are meant to be funny)

Spoiler

Mattiana is still a wonderful husband.


Meg and Connie are getting into a fistfight, a very brutal and violent fistfight. Connie was getting the upper hand, when Matt telported into the room, and lifted both of them up by their throats.

"You two are giving me a headache," he said, "Connie, you are going to stop being such a bitch, or I'm going to tear you apart into several peices. And Meg, you are going to stop killing yourself trying to be with the popular crowd, or I'm going to paint all of your clothes a tye-dye color."

He let them go, where they stared at him with wide eyes. He teleported out of the room, and the two girls quietly walked in opposite directions.
But don’t worry, the abuse victim will forgive him shortly, as Ascentia always does for Twilight.

"Look, it had to be done," Matt said, "You need to stop worrying about what everybody thinks of you. What matters is what you think of you."

She stood there for a second, then hugged him, "You're right, thank you. BUT NEXT TIME DONT LIFT ME BY THE THROAT AND THREATEN ME LIKE THAT!"

"Can do," Matt said, smiling.

Virgin Mary was ugly.

Matt is sitting in Heaven, with the Virgin Mary sitting across from him. Nobody had said anything, then Matt just blurted it out.

"I'm just going to ask," he said, "God gave you an immaculate conception because nobody in their right mind wanted to do you, didn't he?"

Teen Liliana doesn’t like her parents.

(A/N: If you haven't guessed what was in the envelope by now, then you must be really dense and it's been decades since your last sexual encounter with an attractive woman.)

(A/N: And if that's the case, stop reading my book dad!)

God is not actually dead, it was just his physical form.

"Shit, and here I thought I wouldn't have to put up with christianity anymore," Brian said.

"Hey, just be glad we're not Jewish," Matt said.

"Why?" Meg said with wide eyes.

"I don't think anybody could eat that much food," Matt said.

"Oh, I thought you were going somewhere else with that," Peter said.

"Nope, Bhaal's not funny enought to make racism funny," Matt said.

Teen Liliana’s not a angry virgin, can’t you tell.

"It's not so much she lied to me, Meg. I lie to you all the time," Matt said, "But did I look you in the eye? Did I call you daddy?"

"Ooh, there's a thought," Meg said.

"Don't even go there Meg," Matt said.

"I can't help it!" Meg exclaimed.

"You didn't see to be so obsessed with sex before I came along, and you were considered a hopeless loser with no life," Matt said.

"Yeah, but I'm married now, I assumed I would be having sex," Meg snapped.

"Well, maybe you should have married someone alive," Matt said, "I got through my life without sex, so can you."

"You're a virgin?" Peter laughed, "But you're a guy."

"..." Matt was silent for a moment, "Your point?"

That scene? Wrote by Liliana’s dad.

In Sackville, Nova Scotia, a young man, about 16, came out of his bathroom. He was dressed all in black, with fairly long brown hair, and a green skull cap on his head. He also had a set of earphones in his ear, that blasted very loud Power Metal. He was about to return to his computer, when he saw his inebriated, obese father sitting at it, tapping at the keys and chuckling.

"DAMMIT DAD!" Bhaalspawn yelled, "Get away from my computer!"

His father ran from the computer, and Bhaal sat back down, and looked at what his father had typed.

"Oh for fuck's sake," he said, and he started tapping at the keys again.

Origin of her bestiality porn ideas?


"Hey, no problem, she's a skank," Brian said, "You know, you dont deserve...you don't deserve the crap that you get Meg."

"Thanks Brian," she said, hugging him. When she pulled back, they both got a strange look in their eyes, and started making out. When they pulled away, Brian's eye twitched and he threw up.

"Sorry, that was the booze not you," Brian said, "You gonna eat that?"

A lot of Meg bashing I wouldn’t bother with.

Chapter 13:

Spoiler

Christmas Eve, again. Self Awareness made a especial appereance.

Matt is sitting in the room with his creator, Bhaalspawn. Bhaal has a disspointed look in his eye.

"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Matt asked.

"Well, I just figured it out myself, so I figured I should tell you," Bhaal said, "You're immortal right?"

"Yeah," Matt said.

"You have incredible power?" Bhaal asked.

"Yeah."

"You're married to everyone's favorite Family Guy character?"

"Yeah."

"And all the chapters seem to center around you in some way right?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I hate to tell you this buddy," Bhaal said, "But you're a Mary Sue."

Matt's left eye started to twitch, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO."

Meg is a battered wife, just like Ascentia. Liliana really never had any original ideas, did she?

"Meg, are you sure it's a good idea leaving Jaina with him?" Lois asked.

"He's her father," Meg said, "Why not?"

"Well, remember what he did in the future?" Lois said, "Maybe it's not smart."

Meg's eyes widened, "How dare you! Matt is a caring and loving man. Yes, he has some anger problems, but he can control them, I know he can. That will be enough from you."

Jaina broke her wings playing and Mattiana took her to the hospital, where they first try to amputate the wings, but then just “put it on a sling”. Then Social Services appears at the house and Mattiana doesn’t trust them for some unknown reason.

"Relax Jaina," Matt said, "She's a Social Worker. She'll twist everything any of us says to make it seem like I'm a terrible parent."

"Well, that settles it," Debbie said, "I'm taking this child into protective custody pending a hearing about the two of you."

He threatens the social worker with his sword, argues with her and then the social worker is gone.

An homophobic joke.


"Oh hello there hot stuff," said Jasper as Matt walked into the Burger King.

"Are you hitting on me?" Matt said.

"Depends, are you interested?" Jasper said, raising his eyebrows.

Matt walked over and kicked him in the groin. Jasper grabbed his balls and let out a scream.

"Ow! Why the hell would you do that!" he yelled.

Matt was startled. Instead of going high and iffeminate, as it already was, Jasper's voice went into a low baritone. He sounded like Micheal Clarke Duncan.

"Well? That was uncalled for," Jasper said.

"Wow, I always wondered what would happen if you kicked a gay guy in the groin," Matt said.

Chapter 14:

Spoiler

Mattiana makes a spell to see into the future. The only reason this exist is to make scenes of Jaina seducing and falling to get Stewie attention. One day Stewie was concerned about being gay so Jaina kissed him and that is how he got convinced he wasn’t gay.

This line is cursed.

"..." Jaina was speechless, "My father encouraged you to ask me out?"
"Well, not you persay," Stewie said, "But I told him I had an affection for a girl, and was unsure of what to
do about it, and he said 'go for it.'"

Jaina and Stewie go to the dance. Meg makes Mattiana follow them and he sees them kissing, but doesn’t mind. Reminder that they’re both 16. This is what Liliana thinks good parenting looks like.

"I am not going to do anything," Matt said, "If you two are in love, I have no right to object."
"So, we're not in trouble?" Jaina asked.
"I never said you weren't in trouble," Matt said, "Because when we get home, your mother and grandparents are going to kill you two."
"They don't need to know," Stewie pleaded, "Please Matt!"
"I'm sorry, but although I support you, and accept you..." Matt said, "I'm still telling on you. I have to."
Jaina and Stewie groaned. While Matt was the greatest person to talk to about any problem, his ability to parent was annoying.

When they do tell the rest of the family, they’re horrified. Mattiana is not and it’s almost word for word what Liliana said on her incest video, where she said the same thing to a supposed anonymous father.

"So is marrying someone who's legally dead, Meg," Matt replied, "Look, they're going to do this wether we object or not. Our daughter has found love, even after all the ridicule she goes through about her wings. The least you can do is be happy for her!"
Meg was silent at this. She just couldn't wrap her head around it. Matt walked up to his daugher, and gave her a hug.
"At least I'm happy for you sweetie," Matt said.
"Thanks dad," Jaina said, tears coming to her eyes.
Matt then turned to Stewie, and gave him a hug too.
"If you make her cry, I will make you cry," Matt said.
"Deal," Stewie said.
"Now, I have only one rule about this," Matt said, "There is to be no ear sex. If you do that, Jaina, I'll have your wings clipped. Stewie, I'll have you clipped."
"Umm...okay," Jaina said. That was a little far down the road for them to be thinking about, but what the hell, just smile and nod, she thought.
"Okay, you two should get to bed," Matt said, "It's geting late."
As Stewie and Jaina headed upstairs, he whispered something in her ear.
"You know, your father isn't like most fathers," Stewie said.
"Yeah, I've noticed," Jaina said, "He's actually pretty cool."
I don’t know what Teen Liliana had for Mila Kunis but it was something.

"Hey, how about that Max Payne movie?" Chris suggested.
"No fucking way!" Matt said.
"Why not?" Lois asked.
"I'll tell you why, because Mila Kunis has the most annoying voice in history," Matt said, "It's like someone's running a corkscrew coated in sandpaper thorugh my fucking brain! Nobody in their right mind could find that voice attractive."
Meg stood up and slapped him across the face.
"Ow, what was that for?" he asked.
Meg looked confused, "I don't know, I just feel insulted by that."

Teen Liliana thinks she has a good take.
Author's Note: In case you haven't guessed already, Matt's reactions to most things is a reflection of how I would react to those situations. I figures it allows his and Meg's personalities to rebound off each other as controversial subjects, like the content of this chapter, occur in everyday life. FYI, don't expect all future chapters to be this long.

 

[starborn427614]

Excuse the double post but Lily's arrested development made me almost miss her trying and failing to get attention through another horrible Twitter Thread.
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My man Dan knows what's up.
ETA: HAH
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Spoiler: The Thread

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Two things
- I can't believe I'm actually agreeing with Lily for once. The Lego Star Wars Holiday special actually isn't that bad.
- Too bad she balanced out that karma with the most hideously wrong statement re: The Last Jedi. It's clearly not a joke, she throws this shit in to try and skirt past the censors so to speak.

 

[Duine In Cudromach]

In other words, she lied about her lie.

To call yourself a 'surrogate father' and then refer to the child as your daughter is to imply that you're involved in her life. Even if it was just to prevent social services from taking the child (and what are the circumstances here? Does Lily not realize that single mothers exist? Even young single mothers. What's the backstory behind the definitely real and also conveniently dead mother-and-daughter pair here?), there must have been feelings involved. Especially if the daughter was so important, so sweet, light-of-my-life, my most previous OC is actually based on her smiling beautific face I gave her angelic wings because she is my angel...

And then it's like 'yeah literally didn't do shit'.

This child was so important and is now DEAD according to Lily. How can you reply to this kind of ask so flippantly?

Maybe a humble brag? If we assume the Ask was self-sent (presumably to counter any conversation that people might pick up here or on the gossip blogs) and of course it's somebody ELSE is telling Lily that she's so wonderful and fantastic... but that doesn't dismiss that somebody who isn't a sociopath would probably express a little more than 'yeah weren't nuthin' if their dead surrogate child whom they loved so dearly was brought up out of the blue ten years later.

I hope this invokes a Streisand Effect. I can't imagine anybody that actually follows Lily would have known about this nonsense and then wouldn't be interested in looking for more information.


EDIT:

Matt's fist wrapped tightly around the small piece of parchment. A fury like none other was shooting through him, the likes of which he had never felt. A dark, crawling shadow was enveloping his body, and he let out an almighty yell. Storming into the house, he removed his old robes, and pulled on the robes Lois had given him. Using his powers to turn them a mixture of black and blood red, he set his two swords into their scabbards, and headed back outside.

This is the most perfect storm of Teenage Edgelord. The cherry is that it's Family Guy.

 

[TheAmbiguousLurker]

Self ask is obvious but I’m floored she doubled down. This is too funny. No Lily, you pretended full stop. Emily and Leana [or Liana] Gaudet aren’t real.

A normal person would be like: ’Look, I was a kid working through some heavy emotions with escapist fantasy.’ But no it’s all real. Lily ffs give it up.

She’s Fic Sperging

Yes, Lilly, double down on the existence of a child that, in recently resurfaced quotes from you, you clearly wanted to fuck.

So, Kylo and the Knights are not Sith in any way, but are still evoking the Kaggath? The Sith Tradition of pitting Sith Powerbase against Sith Powerbase in an ancient sith contest?

 

[Stuck Pooh]

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Lily Orchard's Official Tumblr, … I’ve heard a rumor that you were a …

archived 27 Feb 2022 06:54:41 UTC

archive.vn

Self ask is obvious but I’m floored she doubled down. This is too funny. No Lily, you pretended full stop. Emily and Leana [or Liana] Gaudet aren’t real.

A normal person would be like: ’Look, I was a kid working through some heavy emotions with escapist fantasy.’ But no it’s all real. Lily ffs give it up.

Oh my lord! No she di'n't!
This is incredible.

There's nothing better than when a ask starts with 'I've heard a rumor', when there was yet barely much talk about the thing in question. Why would Lily even answer an ask about a vague rumors about her, her standard response is don't listen to rumors.

I wanna see where this is going.

(No reply button) Thanks @Son Goku Baku for the review!

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

Man, Lily really REALLY hates women, huh? “I just love you so much that I had to beat the shit out of you. This is your fault, really.”

Fucking hell.

 

[Son Goku Baku]

Here's something else that Liliana always did that keeps appearing on all her creative works: while trying her absolute best to portray her antagonist of choice as the ultimate bad guy, she actually ends up making them the more reasonable character out of everyone who actually feels sympathetic.

On TSR, as a reader you're more inclined to feel for Kylo Ren, constantly humilliated, understimated and kicked around by the narrative, than for Alaina, who sends people to her death against their will and electrocutes old ladies for having the audacity of talking back to her. The only "trauma" Alaina has is losing her slave trader mom, which fails to make her compelling on any way, but Kylo lost everything for a cause and still can't catch a single break.

On Pokemadhouse, the ponytail scientist (I forgot her name) is the closest thing we ever have to an actual antagonist and she had every reason in the world to be mad at G for making bad use of a project that who knows how expensive it was, that was to try to save G's species from extinction of all things. The narrative tries to present her as an evil tyrant that doesn't see how cute Pretty Pretty Blessed is and how evil is to want to kill her, but a mutation like her, a creature that apparently never existed before, in real life would have very little chances to be estable. Considering now that Bonnie's mother, G, is already an unstable mess with such a great power that can and HAS put people in danger before it's only all the more reasonable to at least be afraid of that possibility.

On the FG fanfiction? God is just about doing his job, not interfering on human affairs, and constantly dealing with Matt, who insults him at every chance he has, has beat him up on more than once, constantly threatens more violence and clearly doesn't control his rage even when it comes to hurting/threatening his own wife. Someone here already talked about potraying God a sympathetic old man that is just tired and wants a break: that's what Liliana did, however unintentionally. God very obviously doesn't want any of Matt's shit. The attempted killing of Jaina could also be seen as justified because right after that, Liliana wrote an gruesome and full of gore chapter all about Jaina going berserk and creating the apocalypsis on Earth. God is never hostile without provocation, he barely defends himself when Matt attacks him. Most of the time he tries to reason with him while Matt keeps yelling threats of violence.

Matt constantly reprimends God for not doing enough to save and help people, but according to himself he is just as powerful and he does nothing about it. Not even when Meg's in danger or his own daughter is hurt he will use his divine power to help them out in any way. If anything he's happy to use such powers to hurt his wife or at least scare her about it. Matt/Liliana doesn't care that God isn't more altruistic, because he/she isn't either. Matt's just mad that God has the authority that he wishes he had. This does follow with other ideas that Liliana has talked about how she's actually perfectly fine with authoritarism, as long it's the "right person" in the job.

 

[Dahlia Hawthorne]

Lord. Cypher posted some of the interview and I just comprehended this part:

“Matt’s almost instant acceptance of Stewie/Jaina mirrors my own beliefs about consentual [sic] incest, in fact, I even did a monologue on it in Drama, which I got a 97 on.”

I would pay money to track down some of Lily’s classmates or this drama teacher to ask them what the fuck did that actually happen? If it did it seems memorable, like it would have reached semi meme status within the school at least. God remember that fucking perv who gave a speech in drama class about how incest is totally fine?

This goes to further discredit her story about cis girls trusting her enough to buy tampons and other drugs. Not that that story needed to be discredited more.

Alternatively this in itself is another one of her stories in which case… why? Why would past Lily have needed or wanted to lie about that?

I’ve already said that I feel sorry for Lily’s sister but it bears repeating.

 

[The V]

"Women are manipulative creatures, but I totally sold them tampons out of my locker."

 

[ÁchtunaRoll]

"Women are manipulative creatures, but I totally sold them tampons out of my locker."

Worse. Lily gave those tampons and cramp meds to those manipulative creatures for free!

In Other News:

She thinks she's being sassy and quippy and having the last laugh, but as per usual when you actually look the real exchange sings a different tune.

Lily literally judging a book by its cover. It took one google image reverse search to find:

This dude actually knows her track record and gave her a slice of life recommendation.

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

Worse. Lily gave those tampons and cramp meds to those manipulative creatures for free!

In Other News:
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She thinks she's being sassy and quippy and having the last laugh, but as per usual when you actually look the real exchange sings a different tune.
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Lily literally judging a book by its cover. It took one google image reverse search to find:
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This dude actually knows her track record and gave her a slice of life recommendation.

Jokes on Lily, a lot of people big into anime actually really like Hamtaro.

 

[starborn427614]

Jokes on Lily, a lot of people big into anime actually really like Hamtaro.

Hamtaro is a comfy anime.

 

[Ben Laden]

I still can't get over how Lily's first big OC is basically this

Like, Family Guy is such a weird subject to write fanfiction about in the first place. The world of Family Guy isn't really vast or full of potential stories like Pokemon or Star Wars and it doesn't really fit the angsty power fantasy that something like Dragon Ball or Kingdom Hearts might satisfy and yet here we are.

 

[That Dumb Derp]

Sorry for sperging up the thread again, I just keep finding stuff.
I looked a little into the forum discussions that were linked in the notes. It's quite an interesting insight into Lily's psyche.

Lily operates under three different accounts in the forums- two socks The New Tanadra, and the above mentioned Materials, and a Alt account, Indonitrus, that people in the forums are aware is Bhaalspawn. Bhaala had some falling out with a guy named Ander Arias (the guythat posted the first interview with Bhaalspawn that was linked here before), so all three accounts do their best to pound on him whenever they can.

There is so much stuff to go trough, most is not that fascinating, but here are a few choice comments-

Spoiler: enjoy

This is all from the Whispering Illusions 2 Thread - feautures some more good criticism from Ander!

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On Bhaal stealing entire scenes/plotpoints form other shows/movies:
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Love 'ya Ander!
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---

Talking about male on male pairings and why Lily doesn't like them
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thread
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Thread
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Thread - ' list content from the actual show that you have refused to use in your fic'
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Mary Sue discussion thread
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We've even got two comments from Tara Calie
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..some drama, I don't know
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This' from the review section of Full Punctuation
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She indeed, has had not changed a bit since 2009

Late but Alchorative (fuck spelling) is actually responsible for Lily's current TV tropes page; last I remember