Community Trendy Pregnancy / Snowflake Mommas and Their Batshit Birthing Practices - Because hospital birth is sooo last season

Trombonista said:
She doesn't know the difference between your and you're, but thinks she's a birthing expert?
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As it turns out, English isn’t really Emma’s strong suit. Check out her bios:

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Grammatical errors aside, this is some of the fakest scam BS I’ve seen in some time. The vague claims are what gets me—she’s a “certified birth doula,” but certified by who? Who fucking knows! And she’s also totally respected by A-list celebs and Olympic gold medalists but not enough for them to shout her out I guess. Her illustrations have “recently been published” but again, fucking where?

The only thing that was credible was, sadly, her amount of followers. She in fact has 115k followers on Instagram right now, meaning I guess 115,000 women prefer Female Empowerment over the likelihood of their newborns’ survival.

Oh, and you read that right. $100 to talk to this woman who isn’t even certified to take your temperature for 20 minutes. I’m too annoyed to pull out my dollars to diapers calculator but that’s a lot of diapers to waste on girl power.
 
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Snusmumriken said:
$100 to talk to this woman who isn’t even certified to take your temperature for 20 minutes. I’m too annoyed to pull out my dollars to diapers calculator but that’s a lot of diapers to waste on girl power.
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A quick internet search says diapers for one month cost on average $75-$80 so that's over a month of diapers. So about 50,000 minutes worth of shit.

"Doula" reading you her Instagram posts: $5 per minute
Diapers for your baby: $0.0016 per minute
She doesn't even pay herself minimum wage
 
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Everything Beagle said:
My mom's doc recommended that she smoke through her pregnancies, so the babies would be smaller and easier to birth! And she did it! Gotta love the 60s.
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Even recently, 2016 :

TEENAGE GIRLS IN AUSTRALIA ARE TAKING UP SMOKING IN PREGNANCY TO DELIBERATELY HAVE SMALLER BABIES, STUDY FINDS


As late as the 90's, cigarette companies used to claim that they were HELPING women have smaller, easier to birth babies.

So, expect doulas to recommend it.
 
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Everything Beagle said:
My mom's doc recommended that she smoke through her pregnancies, so the babies would be smaller and easier to birth! And she did it! Gotta love the 60s.
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Bibbity Bobbity said:
Even recently, 2016 :

TEENAGE GIRLS IN AUSTRALIA ARE TAKING UP SMOKING IN PREGNANCY TO DELIBERATELY HAVE SMALLER BABIES, STUDY FINDS


As late as the 90's, cigarette companies used to claim that they were HELPING women have smaller, easier to birth babies.

So, expect doulas to recommend it.
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My grandma told me that she had a smoking room in the hospital after birthing her kids. This was back in the late 60s early 70s
 
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Bibbity Bobbity said:
Even recently, 2016 :

TEENAGE GIRLS IN AUSTRALIA ARE TAKING UP SMOKING IN PREGNANCY TO DELIBERATELY HAVE SMALLER BABIES, STUDY FINDS


As late as the 90's, cigarette companies used to claim that they were HELPING women have smaller, easier to birth babies.

So, expect doulas to recommend it.
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I would expect doulas to use this as ammunition against doctors honestly. “Did you know that they were doing this decades ago?? You just can’t trust modern medicine!”
 
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Welp, reading this thread made me positively ecstatic my birth was boring and in the dreaded evil hospital. Home births, okay. I can see the appeal of it. Ocean, dolphin births and whatever else is just a massive attention grab where mom cares more for internet points than the wellbeing of their child. I bet if these women were told that they weren't allowed to post about it on the internet they would absolutely just go to the hospital to give birth. There's nothing in it for them to get that attention seeking high.

ETA while I was close to my due date, this woman I was purchasing my lunch from told me she was a doula and if I was interested I could contact her. I told her in a joking(but I was serious) way that I didn't need someone I hand lunch money to to also see my hoohah.
 
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Everything Beagle said:
wake me up when the mess is cleaned up
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This mother has chosen to give birth over the toilet to make cleanup a breeze. Though well-intentioned dad looks prepared to catch the baby before it falls into the toilet, wet babies are slippery and this one seems to slide onto the floor. 100% safer than hospital birth, most definitely.

https://www.youtube.com/ watch?v=bpiGjO9oCTc
I think this channel's owner has a birth fetish, but that's off-topic.
 
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Crex Crex said:
What is it with dolphins and spiritual hippie crap? Dolphins are bastards, they're the opposite of any peaceful magical chakra nirvana bullshit or whatever.
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I think it's because most people only know that dolphins are the smartest sea creatures and one of the smartest non-human creatures in general so they assume that dolphins are enlightened somehow because nature good humans bad. Plus they're cuter than chimps.
 
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Elysian said:
I think it's because most people only know that dolphins are the smartest sea creatures and one of the smartest non-human creatures in general so they assume that dolphins are enlightened somehow because nature good humans bad. Plus they're cuter than chimps.
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Octopi are smarter and seem nicer than dolphins, and give the choice, I’d rather birth near cephalopods.

I’m still going to do the absolutely barbaric thing this time around and deliver in a hospital. The horror.
 
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UnicornPiss2.0 said:
Octopi are smarter and seem nicer than dolphins, and give the choice, I’d rather birth near cephalopods.

I’m still going to do the absolutely barbaric thing this time around and deliver in a hospital. The horror.
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Strongly consider vertical labor positions. It's the only "alternative" birth practice that is actually demonstrated by a wealth of published quality scientific evidence to improve outcomes.
 
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I couldn't find anything from a basic google search, and obviously the safest sea creature to give birth with is none of them. But is it just bottlenose dolphins that are horrible monsters to be around, or is it most dolphin species? I've heard that the only accounts of orcas being violent to humans are when the orcas are in captivity. So it makes me wonder, would people be better off birthing with a spinner dolphin or harbor porpoise? Would orcas attack if some crazy bitch was in the water giving birth?
 
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UnicornPiss2.0 said:
Octopi are smarter and seem nicer than dolphins, and give the choice, I’d rather birth near cephalopods.

I’m still going to do the absolutely barbaric thing this time around and deliver in a hospital. The horror.
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Most cephalopods, including all octopi, are venomous and though most species aren't toxic enough to kill an adult human I would bet they could at least cause irreparable harm to a newborn. They're also extremely skittish and even if curious around a human can decide at any second they don't want a hand to be near them. Their beaks are also barbed and sharp enough to take chunks.

Just don't give birth in the ocean.
 
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Conan O'Barbarian said:
Most cephalopods, including all octopi, are venomous and though most species aren't toxic enough to kill an adult human I would bet they could at least cause irreparable harm to a newborn. They're also extremely skittish and even if curious around a human can decide at any second they don't want a hand to be near them. Their beaks are also barbed and sharp enough to take chunks.

Just don't give birth in the ocean.
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Counter-argument:
Start a movement of witchy Satanist moms (think if Sapphire Crimson Claw was in an unfortunate alternate universe and chose to reproduce) birthing directly into the waiting beaks of a colossal squid in an effort to raise Chthulu. You can even frame it as a protest to anti-abortion legistlation.

Not an octopus, but still a cephalopod and a horrifying choice to give birth with: Humboldt squid. They are huge (their mantle is on average ~5ft/1.5m), violent towards humans, live in groups of up to 1,200 squid, and move at speeds of 15mph.
Humboldt squid are also one of a sperm whale's favorite foods. Imagine thinking you're going to have a magical transcendental birthgasm in the middle of a shoal of squid, and out of nowhere fucking Moby Dick comes along to eat mom and baby.

ETA: Sorry (but not really) to shit up the thread with marine animal sperging.
Conan is right though. Cephalopods have a pretty good reputation for being friendly, curious, intelligent, etc. Most of this is generally true! However, wild animals are still wild, and most cephalopods don't live long enough for even a really dedicated professional to put in the work to have them reliably safe to interact with.
The only animal I would trust to be safe enough to give birth around would be a trained service dog or therapy dog. They'd have more medical training than a doula.
 
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