Phil used to be more entertaining when we didn't know and we could at least theorize and try to deduce shit. Now it's all out there, clearly spelled out in neon letters for us. The only new thing with Phil is the games and he's still sticking religiously to normal even with nearly 30 years of gaming experience. Some games lately have been okay goldusty. Watching him try to figure out Mirror's Edge with the alkie brain was pretty fun. Dude made it look like a difficult, tortuous game that would take a week to beat when most people easily do it in a day.
Kind of like Amberlynn, Phil's just completely stagnant and predictable. A single thread would really suffice. Even in the case of what would be life-altering events for anyone else, Phil will act in a way that most people in this thread could easily see coming. Gets yeeted off of youtube? Moves on to another streaming platform, even Facebook, claiming it is the future and Youtube did him wrong. Gets formally cancelled? Doesn't care, keeps begging. Kat divorce arc? Rush to twitter, hooves on fire, ready to slide into the next Dented Princess' DMs with tall tales about being a sadboy alcoholic who's loaded with cash and needs a good woman to rescue him. Parents die? That house is going on the market and that money is going to Scopely by the end of that same month. Unexpected windfall? More like ten new leaderboard top spots for DownFromTheRafters.
Even the Keemstar thing is headed for the obvious outcome. Phil puffs his chest and says he has too much dignity to do relatively inocuous request, like an interview or a podcast with Wings. Phil turns it down and proceeds to beg harder. Dentheads oblige. Kiwi forum simultaneously punching the air and shockedpikachu.jpg. Keem leaks the messages and to the surprise of no one, Phil Burnell is a scumbag and very workshy, and he'd rather beg than get beat at creator clash 3.
Keem knows Phil is absolute shit as a content creator and I doubt the dude would burn 50K just to give The Guy, of all people, a shot at legit internet fame, putting him at the reins of something like Joe Rogan's podcast... But hey, if you need ideas to just burn 50K, Keem: As much as Leanna has shown to just want to move on and kinda respect the pig, she'll DEFINITELY spill the tea for 50k. And then we can confirm that Phil's really more into wrestling than yoga with his girlfriend and really is packing a micropenne. Even then, we'll just be shocked pikachus again.
Phil will not warrant a subforum by the end of this year, but hey, if we start threads on games, maybe he still will, if only for archival purposes. The only thing he still does is finding new, unpredictable ways to suck at games, even with the denthead army at his back feeding him gamefaqs guides.
Fuck, we even know at this point what his stupid fake accent is. It's a Sopranos Joisey imitation. He even had a long leather jacket like Richie Aprile's but in black. It was in that video the Soap Queen made. And now all her stuff is gone. This is basically why threads and archives are always a good idea, in a nutshell. The way he says GAHLF is the same exact way Tony Soprano and Big Pussy said it. If Hobos and Dogs, why GAHLF, FRAHGS and DHALPHINS? Guy's an alien pretending to be a human.
Not to mention, you know, he's the type of Sopranos fan that thought Tony was a pretty cool dude who fucked huuuaars, punched people, took what he wanted and didn't afraid of anything, rather than the type of Sopranos fan who thought "Wow, this protagonist is a thoroughly unlikable piece of shit and I still kinda root for him." Like with everything else, Phil wasn't interested in anything past the surface. That's why when he says he's happy, I sort of believe him. I think for him, money to burn on gacha, a few handles of gin, tequila, and pansy mixer drinks, and a full time soulmaid of convenience really is as good as it gets. He's obviously not happy, but he really wants to believe he is. He wants to think he's like a balder, pigroachier Max Dood. He wants to believe his audience is mostly comprised of college age gamebros and the ocassional 30something office drone rather than dents and degenerates. He just knows, on some level, that it's all bullshit. And his stalwart denial of it is a big part of what makes him, even as the interest wanes and the detractors and paypigs alike vanish, a lolcow.
