Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Flawmil]

And he's right- if I found my date posting my text messages and blabbing endlessly about me to hundreds of thousands of followers before we met, no way will dating feel comfortable. Because any slight offence will be posted online. It's like a person in a bad marriage knowing a partner can call an in-law to side against them, except this time it's hundreds of thousands of Instagram idiots. You'd worry about getting cancelled for not paying for dessert.

Filming yourself incessantly is such young teen behavior, it's not compatible with being treated like a normal adult.

She is really feeling sorry for herself when she is her own biggest problem. “He knew who I was before the date but I just accept being treated poorly” yeah he knew you were a washed up model uh but he didn’t know you were blabbing about your date to thousands of people and posting screenshots of private text messages. Tiktok is her biggest narc fuel because they convinced her he was in the wrong for not wanting to be apart of her childish posts.

 

[taintmisbehavin]

Follow-up#2
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Tess lacks any of the things necessary to attract the sort of man she wants.
She's not physically attractive enough to bag one on looks alone, but she also lacks the personality that might outweigh (heh) her body as well. She could also have tried the "female breadwinner" approach and snagged herself an attractive house-husband, but she can't afford that either.

This dumb bitch. Her life is only “so public” because she shares literally every second with her legions of gawkers and fat thirsters. Or maybe dumb like a fox. I think she probably has figured out at this point that people only watch when she whines about how awful her life is.

I would be super turned off if someone posted seven times about our impending first date with increasingly unhinged desperation about how all their hopes to not be alone forever were hanging on it.

 

[Helena Handbasket]

FFS, Messy Tessy! How the hell did you get this old, and not know how to behave??
(Becuz we all know she's reading....)

1. Shaddup about your date. IDFC if Brad Pitt asks you out (work with me here, Kiwis...), SHADDUP. ZIP YER CAKEHOLE. Don't act like you just got out of the convent school and have never seen a man's bits before.

2. Ok, *maybe* if you're fresh off a breakup, *which you ain't*, you might mention it casually. "As in, I have a date this weekend, hope you all have plans, too!" as a way to say you're back in the game. Then....SHADDUP. Seriously, SHADDUP.

3. Go on your date. Any of your social leeches asks about it, "oh, it was nice", then drop the subject. Talk about your freaking nails, smile mysteriously into the camera, eyefuck yourself, whatever, but SHADDUP.

4. *If* it works out, great. Ask him when he wants to be revealed, if ever. Then, SHADDUP, FFS.

5. If it doesn't, don't mention the dude, because I guar-un-fucking-tee if you ever get another guy interested, he's gonna check out to see what you said about the last poor sucker who got trapped in your web.

6. Because I know you ain't doing #5, if it doesn't work out, then "oh well, his loss, NEXT!" and eyefuck the camera some more. Without that ridiculously tiny vibrator thing, please. Fake having some class.

7. Pride Month's over, get rid of the door mat. We all know you're so straight you could be a ruler. Don't have Bowie drag it out until until next May 31st.


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Luck of the Irish, indeed. Run for the hills, Paddy, and don't date banshees in the future, ok??

 

[NoReturn]

Luck of the Irish, indeed.

The Oirishman sobered up just in time.

Run for the hills, Paddy, and don't date banshees in the future, ok??

Banshees aren't like Tess.
Tess is more of a kelpie. Only instead of drowning you once you get trapped in her gelatinous flesh, she drowns you in her life instead.

 

[formerfatcow]

 

[Smiling Honeybadger]

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What the fresh Hell is that supposed to be?! Some "LOL random, so quirky"-video. Tess, you are 20 years too old for that shit. It's just obnoxious and half the time I have actually no idea what I am looking at. Also, who the fuck sniffs plant pots or whatever the fuck?!

I would hate these bitches with a flaming passion when they are making their shitty ass video with the pillow fight, while I am pushing my cart through the aisles, trying to find the garden section or simply the fucking exit.

 

[NoReturn]

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"She better buy those pillows after making them gross"
*30 seconds later, Tess leaves without pillows*

What the fresh Hell is that supposed to be?! Some "LOL random, so quirky"-video. Tess, you are 20 years too old for that shit. It's just obnoxious and half the time I have actually no idea what I am looking at. Also, who the fuck sniffs plant pots or whatever the fuck?!

Thems oversize candles

 

[HalfPricedAmHoleBuffet]

Usually I don’t notice her hands or feet until you all point it out, but goddamn is that one tomato of a hand where she’s high fiving Bowie. It’s like if you put a rubber band on your wrist until your hand started turning red.

 

[formerfatcow]

 

[Chef Autism]

Imagine if the roles were reversed and some man tried to guilt her into a relationship and then put her on blast publicly like this.

Women like Tess are so infuriating with their double standards. The fact is, nobody owes you their time, money, or attention, and that goes both ways. A man is up front and says he doesn't want anything to do with you? He's being rude and you're better than him anyway. A man goes out with you and ghosts you? He wasn't worth your time and you're better than him anyway.

Also love the little detail she glosses over about the "mid-level ugly guy" she matched with. Wait - you fucking matched with him, does that mean you're so desperate that you'll match with people you don't find attractive? How retarded.

 

[Water-T]

Also love the little detail she glosses over about the "mid-level ugly guy" she matched with. Wait - you fucking matched with him, does that mean you're so desperate that you'll match with people you don't find attractive? How retarded.

Exactly. If they Matched, then that means SHE SWIPED RIGHT on this "mediocre white man". Once again, Tess tries to stunt and ends up only telling on herself

I think Mr Irish bailed on Tess once he got to witness her in person without the benefit of FaceTune hiding her chins, pockmarks, and greasy skin. Then she lied about everything after to lessen her narc injury.

 

[Constellationzero]

Exactly. If they Matched, then that means SHE SWIPED RIGHT on this "mediocre white man". Once again, Tess tries to stunt and ends up only telling on herself

I think Mr Irish bailed on Tess once he got to witness her in person without the benefit of FaceTune hiding her chins, pockmarks, and greasy skin. Then she lied about everything after to lessen her narc injury.

Or smell. Lezbehonest.

 

[Water-T]

Or smell. Lezbehonest.

That's a given. We already know one of her prior dates ran the fuck the other way when she exposed the poor sucker to her yeasty Sarlacc Pit for some long overdue lovin'.

 

[HexBawxUno]

That's a given. We already know one of her prior dates ran the fuck the other way when she exposed the poor sucker to her yeasty Sarlacc Pit for some long overdue lovin'.

Wasn’t the other date who escaped from Tess Black, and then she was “concerned” about him being out alone because she is such a good ally?

 

[NoReturn]

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Imagine if the roles were reversed and some man tried to guilt her into a relationship and then put her on blast publicly like this.

Men absolutely do this, too, but flipping the genders shows you just how gross and ugly it is when it's not obvious to people who give women like Tess a pass. What a maniac.
It's the same with Lizzo and her fixation on Chris Evans. If this was a male celebrity doing this to an obviously-uninterested female celebrity, people would be up in arms.

Wasn’t the other date who escaped from Tess Black, and then she was “concerned” about him being out alone because she is such a good ally?

"The poor animal, I mean black man, who I graciously took in to give me sweet loving is out on the streets! All alone, at night! How horrible!" - Tess

 

[M.T. Graves]

Imagine having the elevator door open and there’s 500 pound Tess making faces into her phone. Just wait for the next one for fear of the cable snapping or her crop dusting the entire floor.

 

[NoReturn]

Tess is fat.

 

[Crepidodera fulvicornis]

Rolls sweat pads when?

 

[Daddy's Little Kitten]

I thought she wasn't gonna fit in it lol.

 

[M.T. Graves]

She’s actually bragging about ordering a chair made for land whales because she’s so huge. That’s embarrassing Tess, not empowering. You literally outgrew chairs that are already oversized and support quite a bit of weight. Can’t wait to see all these camping videos we are in for.