Brianna Wu / John Flynt - DEAGLE NATION STILL LIVES

[Hodor]

So we're all in agreement right? No amount of booze or pot can make this shit comprehensible.

It is, bar none, some of the worst prose I've ever fucking read. Like, it's so disjointed and needlessly stiff, but at the same time so flowery that it reads so awful.

With Chris and Sonichu, it's so horrible and morbidly fascinating that a sense of wonder comes into it. It loops around so many times that it's just oddly enjoyable.

This is just bad. And not only is it just bad, it's autistically bad. Like, even some of the more autistic cows we have write better than this. This is like an eight year old kinda had an idea for a small thing, but no idea about anything else.

 

[mrae]

Since we're leaking out little teasers, enjoy John's attempt at writing a commercial for McDonald's starring Allison Holiday. Enjoy the gratuitous racism, mixed motifs, and generally confused and immature writing.

Spoiler: excerpt

Allison (V.O.):
I received an Internet transmission on the main view screen that the folks at McDonald’s were hiding a conspiracy to make people fat and control the weather. Immediately, I knew what had to be done.

CUT TO -– Allison angrily MARCHES into the corporate headquarters of McDonald’s, portrayed as a single building on a sunny green hill, the sun photogenically shining down.

Allison (V.O.):
I’m not going to let some corporation run by a guy that hangsout with agiant purple blob make me fat! I had to get in-their-face!

INT. MCDONALD’S CORPARATE BOARD ROOM -- DAY

Quick zoom -– The doors for the corporate board are KICKED open with Allison’s patented Miyagi Crane Kick. She’s wearing a police hat.

Allison:
(kicking)

Whhhaaaaaa!!!!

After a few exaggerated “Sailor Moon” style movements, she STRIKES a pose.

Allison (CONT’D):
(intense)
McDonald’s, you are cold busted.

In the background, there’s a Hispanic janitor. Allison turns to him.

Allison (CONT’D):
Book ‘em Danno.

We hear the next two lines, but they’re meant to be edited so quickly that they’re just background noise. We see two security guards talking in the background.

Janitor:
Que Pasa Danno?

This reads like something written in a different language and then put through google translate into English. It makes no goddamn sense.

 

[millais]

"Her [Holiday's] hair was gathered into a ponytail in the back, and somehow fell into the shape of a heart"

huh, so this is the origin of ol' scrotum-hair

 

[Cynical]

http://tweetsave.com/spacekatgal/status/695828879336992768

 

[nyati55]

That McDonald's advert has a spelling error before we even get into it: “Public Service Announcment A”

Jesus Christ John! Your word processor highlights that fucking error and its right in front of that long scary face if you cared to look!

 

[zedkissed60]

That's gotta sting, John. You got snubbed yet again.
https://tweetsave.com/femfreq/status/695776161385680896

 

[SteelPlatedHeart]

That's gotta sting, John. You got snubbed yet again.
https://tweetsave.com/femfreq/status/695776161385680896

Look at all the diversity.

 

[Gentleburd]

Wu's says that Twitter is doing a good job of blocking harassment, yet everyone else seems to think they aren't.

Maybe...Wu's massive amount of reports are flooding the system and the whole team is spending all their time responding to her whining so they never get a chance to answer any other complaints?

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

And the further I read, the more I'm convinced that Brianna has no idea how to use a comma.

The proper placement of apostrophes also seems beyond her grasp.

 

[AnOminous]

The proper placement of apostrophes also seems beyond her grasp.

Wu also lacks a grasp on the proper place for hands. It isn't on a keyboard if you're Wu.

 

[zedkissed60]

The proper placement of apostrophes also seems beyond her grasp.

John is a guy who misspelled the second word he ever tweeted.
https://tweetsave.com/spacekatgal/status/2840298077

Keep in mind that John, just choosing randomly, had a 40% chance of getting the second vowel correct (both "i" and "o" are acceptable), yet he somehow still flubbed it.

 

[GleamingTheQ-Bert]

So Minuete has broken jewels embedded in her hand that...function as a weapon?

"“Bring it to me,” Minuete extended a hand. There embedded all throughout her palm and forearm were thousands of jewel fragments glittering through violently scarred skin. They caught the light, glistening and catching her eye. Every time Minuete remembered she had the scar, an ugly mark on an otherwise flawless beauty, she remembered just how much she hated Allison Holiday. The jewels were purple amethyst shards, ironically the same shade purple that Allison always wore"


WTF?

Edit: Are Darien and John the same person? I legit don't understand. Still working my way thru 2nd draft.

"Darien’s reaction was honest, a reflexive laugh at the absurd while figuring out something unexpected. The laugh didn’t deter Brea. “And I’ve always kind of hoped I would be that girl.” There was a bit of silence, then he broke it. “The idea of me wisking anyone off their feet is just so crazy. I can’t get my life together, I can’t even do my laundry.” And then John stopped the conversation without meaning to. “It’s Kate, it’s always been Kate.”"

 

[Kosher Dill]

So Minuete has broken jewels embedded in her hand that...function as a weapon?

Don't forget that she also got skin grafts from a corpse and then her own butt

 

[ObeseScreamingBlackMan]

I was able to get through the McDonald's commercial script without losing consciousness.

shit was so cash. And by cash, I mean autistic.

 

[OG Swolemaster]

So Minuete has broken jewels embedded in her hand that...function as a weapon?

"“Bring it to me,” Minuete extended a hand. There embedded all throughout her palm and forearm were thousands of jewel fragments glittering through violently scarred skin. They caught the light, glistening and catching her eye. Every time Minuete remembered she had the scar, an ugly mark on an otherwise flawless beauty, she remembered just how much she hated Allison Holiday. The jewels were purple amethyst shards, ironically the same shade purple that Allison always wore"


WTF?

Now I'm no medical expert or physicist, but wouldn't embedding really hard and sharp shit beneath your skin do more damage to you than anything you hit? Is wuw lad just going out of his way to be edgy?

 

[Optimus Prime]

Oh my god, is "The Leak" pre-show happening?

https://sneed-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/5e/96/75/5e96752819458c2e5a439f36631f94fa.gif

Now I'm no medical expert or physicist, but wouldn't embedding really hard and sharp shit beneath your skin do more damage to you than anything you hit? Is wuw lad just going out of his way to be edgy?

How much you wanna bet that's actually trying to rip off that one guy from Die Another Day who had African diamonds blasted into his face?

 

[Florence]

So Wu's Mary Sue self-insert drives a Aston Martin DB5...with a CD player.

Brea ranted and raved

Yup, definitely a Mary Sue.

The purple shards of jewel fragments glistened purple in the light

Because purple jewels usually glisten green, am I right?

 

[XH 502]

All right, Kiwis, since we have a bit before everything's being loaded, prepped, citation'd, readied, and so on for the upcoming article reveals (if you've seen the prototypes, please be so kind as to not post them until we're finished getting everything set up because we're trying to cause a salt-pocalypse here), I thought I'd spoil you guys with some more Wu content.

This one's a rough one, and took quite a while to do. In fact, it's less than half-done, but there's enough in it to discuss for fucking days, so let's begin.

See, whilst we were digging in the Election Eve archives, we found some of the early Manuscripts.

They're now up on Lolcow Wiki:

First Known Draft - Prologue and such
Second Known Draft - First part of "Main" story

If you're wondering why they're arranged this way, it's because the original files were heavily corrupted, necessitating we sift through fucking pages of junk code for the rest and piecing it together thereafter. That said, the first two parts of it are together, and.... By god, it's fucking glorious. Every single thing we later would see in Revolution 60 finds its start here - the characterization being all over the place, the protagonists being assholes, all of it. And yet, this is so much more:

1. Wu's chapters are all named after terms, levels, music, and scenes from games she liked. Obvious ones include Liberi Fatali, and Omission of the World. And that's just in the first two segments.

2. Wu cites shit she likes more than OPL. I'm fucking serious.

3. The entire thing is filled with more contrivances than a Sonichu comic.

4. John thought this was in any way marketable. Let this sink in.

5. It's just as fixated on the female characters as Wu, and openly sexualizes them.

6. Brea is a shameless self-insert, but it's not just that one - There's another shameless self-insert called "John."

7. The entire prologue segment is insane. I'm talking Sonichu #10 levels of batshit.

Read it, and enjoy your lulz. More will be coming later, likely either before or after the reveal hits.

It's so easy to get caught up in all the opinionated bullshit Wu spews that I often forget just how terrible a story teller she is. This "novel" is fucking abysmal. There's not a single thing Wu does right in this manuscript. Hell, even 50 Shades gets a slight pass for not making the Mary Sue unbearably perfect. Wu cannot even rack up that easy point.

There's no reason for you to read past the fake author's note. We can infer the entire plot based on this section, and Brianna even outright tells us that the only part that really matters is the secret at the end. Why should I, the reader, slog through pages of meaningless filler? Anyone who picked up this "book" would put it back on the shelf immediately after these first few paragraphs. Nothing catches your attention, it's just someone trying desperately to sell you on a boring story.

If you manage to get past the opening note (for whatever reason) you're then treated to the Mary Sue that even other Mary Sues would be ashamed of. Holiday is perfect in every way, nothing goes wrong in her life, therefore she never faces conflict. You can't have a main character without conflict because that means the plot is without conflict. There's nothing exciting or realistic about that. These are mistakes that would be acceptable for a child to make, though I suppose John/Brianna IS an overgrown child.

What's obvious - above and beyond everything else - is that Wu really doesn't give a fuck about writing. S/he makes no attempt at finding a voice or basic flow. Words are thrown haphazardly across the screen without any respect for how they fit together. To be a good writer you need to love the art; to nurture the words that spring forth inside your mind. There's no spark of life or love in Wu's writing. It evokes no emotional response from the reader because she felt nothing when composing it. It's this lifelessness - more than anything - that makes it clear that Wu only wrote this for future acclaim. She doesn't want to tell a story, she wants people to treat her like a creative genius.

 

[Dr. Merkwurdichliebe]

Though I am now bleeding from my eyes, I will soldier on.

I Am Functionally Illiterate wrote:

. . . I made a promise over a coffee table that you’ll get to read about . . .

If there's one thing I love reading about, it's coffee tables.

Punctuation Is My Nemesis wrote:

. . . a story about the life I’ve lived and my friend’s lives . . .

This sounds much better than The Tale of the Coffee Table. I can't wait to read about the many lives lived by your one friend.

The Muse of Shitty Prose wrote:

The period of my life where I’ve decided to start to tell you that story is where it all started . . .

Excellent idea.

Write Likes It's 1865 wrote:

. . . in this author’s humble opinion . . .

In a just world, the author's fingers would be hacked off by semi-professional torturers employed by the the Modern Language Association.

LSD's A Hell Of A Drug wrote:

Reality had all just kind of run together by now for Allison . . .

I hate it when reality just kind of all runs together.

I Don't Know What Words Mean wrote:

From her emergency driving classes she had learned how to flip a car 180 degrees.

When the car crashes down on its roof after flipping 180 degrees, the occupants often die. The maneuver is called a turn, not a flip.

I Can't Remember What I Just Wrote wrote:

The TV was still blaring entertainment newscasts . . .

A few paragraphs later in the same scene:

The sound for the TV was muted, but the stereo was blaring . . .

This is what you get when the typist pays absolutely no attention to his work.

Plurals Puzzle Me wrote:

. . . she was shorter and thinner than any of the Freshman . . .

Am I the only one who fails to see in this work the quality one would expect from a writer who spent a decade studying journalism?

I May Be Retarded wrote:

One of Brea’s pet peeves was when people mispronounced her name on paper.

Any ideas at all on what that can possibly mean?

Plurals Still Puzzle Me wrote:

. . . an exclusive girl’s finishing school.

You can't get much more exclusive than one girl. And, of course, there are no finishing schools for boys, so the word girl's is redundant. (EDIT TO ADD: Not surprisingly, a few paragraphs later, Flynt informs the reader that next door to the "exclusive girl's finishing school" is "a finishing school for boys." Although Flynt probably developed a tiny boner while imagining what boys would do at such a place, the rest of the world can only marvel at his all-encompassing stupidity.)

Pronunciation Is Hard wrote:

“Most of them put the Duh in Diva,” noted Brea.

They must pronounce diva very strangely in Mississippi.

I Am Not A Gay Man wrote:

. . . they suddenly realized they were incomparably fabulous . . .

Anyone who writes this badly needs to be punished.

I am weak. I admit it. I can read no more. This is the quintessence of crap. It's just Flynt randomly typing a pscyosexual fantasy in which he is a "fabulous" girl -- a fantasy that is destined to never become reality, as all of us except John Flynt are aware. If Kraft-Ebbing were still alive, this "novel" would be the subject of an entire chapter in Psychopathia Sexualis. As a work of fiction, it is so bad that it defies both criticism and analysis.

 

[NegaCWC]

First Known Draft - Prologue and such
Second Known Draft - First part of "Main" story

I'm currently reading through the first link and boy is it bad. Instead of having the reader learn the personality of the characters throught their actions and dialogue, Brianna prefers to just tell us through narration what kind of a person each character is. Some more gripes:

the two weeks leading up to the Election Eve of the Iowa Presidential Primary

Iowa doesn't have Presidential Primary but a Caucus instead. You think someone who worked for a U. S. Senator would know this.

Brea was a girl in a million with a very unusual ethnicity. Her father had been an Australian wild-child. Her mother was a quiet Japanese traditionalist, and the story of how they had met and fallen in love was ridiculous. Brea’s personality had aspects of both opposed mindsets. Although Brea’s features were mostly Australian, when people heard her last name, they could almost see the half-Japanese ancestry. Mostly it was it the eyes, which had a slight Asian slant to them. One of Brea’s pet peeves was when people mispronounced her name on paper. It wasn’t Bre-ah, the sound that made Brea wince, that was like a name straight out of a porno movie. No, her name was pronounced ‘Bray,’ a single strong, independent syllable, just like Brea herself.

1) What's so unusual about her ethnicity? How is that different than a white American and a Japanese person having a child? And if her ethnicity is really that unusual, wouldn't it become obvious to the reader without Brianna mentioning it?
2) "the story of how they had met and fallen in love was ridiculous". Why do I need to know this? How this help expose Brea's character?
3) "One of Brea’s pet peeves was when people mispronounced her name on paper. It wasn’t Bre-ah, the sound that made Brea wince, that was like a name straight out of a porno movie. No, her name was pronounced ‘Bray,’ a single strong, independent syllable, just like Brea herself." Just like Chris with CWCville, Brianna too needs to invent some autistic pronounciations.