0:00 ‘Okay, you guys’ Well. What kind of shit greeting is that? I guess we’re abandoning any sort of method and just blathering at the camera. Coo’. I can roll with this fuckery. She says she just filmed her last video and hasn’t bothered changing, and is filming a couple hours after loading her last shit. She’s been doing journaling and watching YouTube and now she’s going to do Lego and wants us to ‘come on this Lego journey’ with her, to which my response is to immediately look for an exit door and a parachute or life preserver, because fuck off, AL.
0:35 She says people’ve been asking her why she thinks the two steps she’s done is the middle of the globe, and she starts waxing on about her past experience with Lego and sometimes you build the middle first and whatever. I give no fucks.
0:53 RARITY!!
0:58 She states that there’s extras included in Lego stages in case you lose or break a piece, and the piece they chose to replicate is arbitrary. Except of course she doesn’t say arbitrary, because that word is far outside of her AuthorLynn vocabulary. She simply states that she doesn’t know how they chose which piece is going to be extra. She also baby-talks at Rarity and I want to poke my eardrums out with a corncob holder.
1:24 Into the time-lapse lego building bullshit. She says she’s doing a voice-over IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU ASSHAT. Waxes on about how when she was growing up, legos were outside of her fiscal capacity, but there was a neighbor friend who had tons of legos, so she’d go over and play with them, so her obsession with them started when she was a child and didn’t return until fatty fatted her way through her Torrid obsession and her hair tie obsession and her suckahlent obsession and her scratch art obsession and her book obsession and any other obsession I’m not pulling off the top of my slightly gewürztraminer-pickled brain right now. She finishes the next part of the arch that’s going to support the globe.
1:59 ‘It’s a lot bigger than I thought it would be.’ That’s what she said. Hurhurhurhur. There are disgusting screen shots to be had here. Like this one.
Look at that sincerity on her face. With that protruding tongue and raccoon ‘beetus eyeballs, under that poop-bun of crisco-drippings and filth. So smexy. No wonder JFoNY:MGF,W is so dedicated and supportive </sarcasm>
She’s excited about large sizes. States it’s an SSBBW globe. Guess she likes ‘em thick and… ya know, I’m going to stop right there.
2:21 Cutting watermelon, promises this won’t be a voice-over IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT NOR IS IT A COLLECTION OF MOLMENTS YOU RETARDED HEFFALUMP vlog the entire damned time. She still handles knives like an inebriated brainless amoeba. States ‘I love me some watermelon’ and says she normally gets pre-cut so she doesn’t have to do the messy part. And then states she’s cutting each piece into triangles (I legit almost am getting anxious watching her handle that knife), but then states that she’s cutting ‘this end piece’ in such a fashion that it ‘makes pieces like for a party situation tyFUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOU’ and there goes the rest of my glass. Gotta go refill.
3:00 Of course, she saw this ‘technique’ on TikTok, because that’s where AL gets every bit of information about anything in her life these days. How the hell did this brainless lump of pumice survive before that app? The world may never know.
3:08 THE NEXT DAY. Oh, yippee. Lemme contain my excitement. Opens with Rarity, so that’s good. AL needs to shut up and say that her cat is obsessed with her. She does show off how Rarity taps her hand when she wants more petting, because this feline is desperate for affection. AL keeps blathering on and I want to mute her so badly, but that’d affect my recap capabilities. Bleh.
3:46 AL professes that Rarity is her babieeee, and she loooooves her. And Wasabi and Twinkie, those little shits who aren’t in frame. They’re her ‘worlds.’ Yes, plural. Because AuthorLynn is on point in this particular video. But yes, she showed us Rarity because AL thought it was sho freaking KYUUUUTE. No other descriptor will fit.
3:50 A change of outfits. The shirt/dress looks wretched as fuck, like something a blind grandmother would wear to a cabernet show. I don’t know how to describe this shit, but it’s a visually offensive picture-vomit pile of crap that should never have seen production.
I mean…. I can’t see how this is SHO KYUUUUTE, but I’m sure it is.
Anyway, there’s a loud sizzling in the background, and she tells us that they’re cooking bacon. She’s going to show us an idea AL had. ‘It’s just a low-key situaFUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOOU.’
4:05 She states that she hopes the noise doesn’t annoy any of us. Nah, I’m just annoyed by you, AL.
4:07 Anyway, she states that her ID has expired, and she needs to get another one. No shit. A week ago she went to go do a new ID IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT and it’s already arrived in the mail. So she decides the best thing ever would be to open that shit up and show it off on camera. Of course, she’s sceeered about how it turned out. Dumbass McGee doesn’t know it’s called a RealID. She’s smart enough not to just flash that shit to the camera immediate, but she does let loose an ear-piercing squeal of delight and profess that she looks better in this ID than she did in her old one. Those rose-colored glasses are imbedded into her eyeballs, it seems. She says she can see weightloss in her two IDs (the other one’s from 4 years ago). Then she says her signature’s changed. Maybe she’s learned how to hold a pen properly in her giant meat mitten in the last 4 years.
5:25 Oh, goodie. She’s going to show us what she’s making. Puts out a plate, shows us wheat thins (reduced fat IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT). Lays them out in… I am twitching violently.
Why… the… hell… didn’t… she… just… do… 9….
Refilling my glass. BRB.
Now she’s putting egg salad (probably from a container) onto each wheat thin. So CrEaTiVe. Next she puts a chunk of crispy bacon on each of her little lumps of egg salad shit. This completes her big-brain idea, because while she wanted to add scallion, she doesn’t have any.
Looks like something a 1st grader would put together if forced to ‘cook’.
6:30 Taste test. Predictably, it’s shooooo guuuuuud with mm hummmms. Oh wait, I typed that while she was munching. She doesn’t actually say it’s sho gud. She just says it hits all the spots. No food-gasm or anything, so… probably not impressed with her own concoction, and will inhale it so she never has to think of it again.
6:45 Weight gain talk. (She says weight loss, but we know what it’ll be thanks to the title of the video). Wants to talk with us about her binging and what she’s currently doing. Says when she was bedridden thanks to her ankle, she spent a lot of time mentally unwell because of the whole situation and turned to food daily for a few weeks (no shit). She wanted to NOM her anxiety and she felt helpless and she sUfFeRs WiTh BiNgE eAtInG (except she doesn’t, because she has no idea what an actual binge is - she’s confusing it with overeating and emotional eating).
7:45 And she’s tying this back to her shitty parents and sitting around listening to her parents fight in the other room with her father beating the shit out of MethMom and AL would stuff her face to cope. Because going to sit in a pantry and stuffing her face is how she copes with everything.
8:05 Says she’s seeing her psychiatrist tomorrow, because she does go to therapy (press x to doubt) and that she just doesn’t talk about this shit because it’s all the same shit every day.
No kidding, AL. That’s your entire YouTube career. For the last 7 years or so.
8:09 She realizes she’s not quite eye-fuck worthy in the viewfinder and fixes her hair, then confirms that she does indeed eye-fuck herself in the viewfinder and doesn’t realize she looks like warmed over maggot-riddled feces until she commences with the eye-fucking.
8:18 She got back into the 490s, and once the pain lessened from her ankle she started moving and her spirits truly RISEN (GrammarLynn can fuck off) so she stopped binging and turning to food (because she doesn’t know what binging is). She says she’s afraid of food and not turning to food, so she’s back into the 480s. Waffles between ‘I’m back on track’ to ‘I’m partially back on track’ and ‘You know me.’ Weighed in at 481.6 because those decimals count again.
9:46 Oh here we go, says she’s ‘paying attention to calories without counting calories.’ And people have asked here ‘what the fuck are you on with your nonsense?’ So she goes on to explain that she’s dumb as a box of rocks, and she can’t stop paying attention to calories and she’s calorie obsessed even when not counting calories and wah wah wah she makes as much sense as my cat’s hatred of her tail. Whatever. She says she’s trying to pay attention to that shit again and lose weight again.
10:28 Big-brain moment - ‘If I don’t binge, I lose weight.’ Lemme fix that for AL. ‘If I don’t overeat like a pig, I lose weight.’ NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. And you still don’t binge because you don’t have BED.
10:38 She just wanted to tell us she’s a fatass.
10:50 Gah, more ChefLynn showing us her shitty cooking. She’s making dinner, and it’s chicken (I thought MEAT WAS WEIRD) and rice soup because she has no idea how to cook. She’s boiling rice, chicken and some other slop in a pot. Says she is nervous as to whether or not JFoNY:MGF,W will like it, but ShE’s LiKeD eVeRyThInG tHaT i’Ve MaDe (the x key on my keyboard is pretty much dead at this point. Poor one out for it, homies).
11:09 So she makes a disaster area when she cooks, showing us the sorry state of her stovetop. Then cuts immediately to her white ‘Thanks for watching’ card and says that JFoNY:MGF,W did like it, hopes we enjoyed her shitty video, and thanks us for suffering through her shit.
