Richard had tried many an illicit substance, but none did he adore more than “the devil’s dandruff.”
Devil's...dandruff. Devil's dandruff. That sounds made-up as hell. Even DARE wouldn't call cocaine "the devil's dandruff."
What????
Richard, in only his skivvies,
the seemingly magic tenner
Skivvies? Tenner?? I can't tell if she's old or british, what the hell are these word choices???
His mother was a woman of small stature of mixed African American and Native American blood. Once stricken with polio, she walked with a bit of a limp.
She puts in shit like this that, while accurate, is completely irrelevant to whatever's going on. I don't think Katherine even
moves in this brief scene, why do we need to know she limps? There are so many more infinitely interesting ways to introduce her limp while illustrating she's more compassionate than Joseph and having them give Michael advice, like Katherine crossing the room to meet Michael and stumbling/limping, Joseph stopping her out of care for his wife and that adding to his annoyance at Michael...but I guess I'm asking too much from a fanfiction written by someone whose brain is slowly being rotted away by twitter slapfights and eating parking lot weeds.
to Quincy and the others,
Bill had been startled to see a man
I get this is a fanfiction and readers are assumed to know who the main players and their friends/acquaintances are, but for the love of god would it be too difficult to add a phrase like "To Quincy and the others
that worked alongside Michael at the recording studio," or "Bill,
Michael's trusted bodyguard of several years, had been startled...." I fucking forgot Bill Bray existed and had to check back in the text to make sure I hadn't skipped over an OC named Bill existing prior to this.
Michael thought back on the conversation well into that night. Joseph had unexpectedly appeared yet again, phone returned to the cradle, and had been cross, as was customary.
PICK. A. TIME. Are we fast-forwarding to the night or are we still in the present where Joseph is finishing his phone call??
For his part, Richard had stayed out of trouble for a while. He hadn’t committed an act of violence since he had dragged that bitch from the car and shot her in the head.
> Random.txt
“No mames wey!” Richard barked gruffly. “Dime la neta!”
"No suck way, tell me the net!"
I get that this is "no fucking way, be honest," but I can't tell if this is slang or if Stephanie is just shit at Spanish.
ALSO IT'S ONLY TEN DOLLARS? Michael's been known to give hundreds to people just because, why is Richard losing it over a $10? Why is Michael treating $10 like a huge tip? What even is this stupid fanfiction?
Michael rolled his eyes defiantly at this.[...]He put his hands on his thin hips.
“I’ll be fine,” Michael answered dismissively
“You schmuck! I’m doin’ you a favor!”
Michael, scoffing, said congenially, “Yeah, you idiot.”
Why is Michael such a sassy asshole? I get that none of us knew him personally but this doesn't sound like Michael. It's like he woke up on the bitchy side of the bed.