Update on my Manjaro adventure:
Ended up getting a older Lenovo Thinkpad for the small price of free. It was running Windows 10 Home, which I played around in and it was pretty sluggish. Downloaded Manjaro / KDE Plasma onto a thumbdrive, installed it, deleted my Windows partition etc.
Not only is this old as shit laptop running blazing fast but it kept all the drivers for the haptic pad, wifi adapter, mouse, bluetooth, battery meter, etc. This was a real surprise as the last time I fucked around with Linux (Mint) on a laptop, I couldn't get any of that working out of the box and the battery meter was especially a pain in the ass. Manjaro's GUI isn't that much different, I can still drag and drop shit onto the taskbar, just have to get used to using sudo again and shit.
Overall I'm satisfied and since this thing has more horsepower than the Chromebook I was originally going to get, I might try some light gaming with GOG or Steam. I think for just a casual machine for web surfing and watching dumb bullshit, this will work fine and I won't have to worry about whatever bullshit Microsoft telemetry.
EDIT: Just for transparency, I got Brave, Signal, and ProtonVPN installed and running fine on this thing. Brave was actually already in the repository.