Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[Old Blighty]

The ABC Family movie Cyberbully has a totally unintentional one in the form of the protagonist, Taylor Hillridge.

Throughout the movie, we're supposed to feel sorry for her because some people were being mean to her online, but her reactions are always so ridiculously over-the-top that it ends up pushing her into lolcow territory. The most famous example of this is the part where she tries to kill herself by overdosing, but is thwarted by a child-proof cap ("I CAN'T GET THE CAP OFF!"), but there are other instances too. She has crying fits all through the movie over catty online comments, but refuses to just delete her social media profiles (or block the people commenting). Keep in mind that all they do is post some mean comments. They don't even dox her or post private photos of her.

I think it'd be safe to assume that if Taylor really existed, we'd probably have a thread on her.

Plus, when her account was hacked by her little brother, she doesn't tell post a status to say she was hacked. She just cries.

Her white friend is a cow as well. She banged a dude on the first or second date and he never called her again, so she thinks all men are evil. So when the main character starts making eyes at some dude, she decides to prove men are evil by creating a profile of a hot guy, catfishing Taylor and then having the dude turn on her, starting the cyberbulling that leads to the attempted OD. All to try and teach the lesson that men are bad.

The bullies have a touch of cow of them. They actually create a giant cardboard mask of the main character and wear it when they make videos mocking her.

 

[DirkBloodStormKing]

Plus, when her account was hacked by her little brother, she doesn't tell post a status to say she was hacked. She just cries.

Her white friend is a cow as well. She banged a dude on the first or second date and he never called her again, so she thinks all men are evil. So when the main character starts making eyes at some dude, she decides to prove men are evil by creating a profile of a hot guy, catfishing Taylor and then having the dude turn on her, starting the cyberbulling that leads to the attempted OD. All to try and teach the lesson that men are bad.

The bullies have a touch of cow of them. They actually create a giant cardboard mask of the main character and wear it when they make videos mocking her.

That entire movie was just autism. Almost all of the characters were fucking lolcows.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Plus, when her account was hacked by her little brother, she doesn't tell post a status to say she was hacked. She just cries.

Her white friend is a cow as well. She banged a dude on the first or second date and he never called her again, so she thinks all men are evil. So when the main character starts making eyes at some dude, she decides to prove men are evil by creating a profile of a hot guy, catfishing Taylor and then having the dude turn on her, starting the cyberbulling that leads to the attempted OD. All to try and teach the lesson that men are bad.

The bullies have a touch of cow of them. They actually create a giant cardboard mask of the main character and wear it when they make videos mocking her.

The black friend was a cow, although she's in the movie less. She tries to act all sexually savvy and stuff, but as soon as the bullies start talking shit about her for hanging around with Taylor, she gets all pissy and abandons her. She's just kinda gone for the rest of the movie until the end when she rejoins Taylor's group to stand up to the bullies. Of course, they ignore the fact that she's a shitty fairweather friend and just act like nothing happened.

 

[TowinKarz]

@Darwin Watterson

Having caught up on this thread, I think most of Batman: TAS' rogues gallery could be somewhat autistic. It seems to be a common thread among them that they suffer from mental imbalance that continually thwarts their attempts to be normal and fit in, which makes all but the most heinous of them at least a little pitiable, but ultimately we don't feel bad when Bats beats them unconscious because they brought it on themselves by sparging to the point that regular people were getting hurt. While Joker and Two-Face exhibit the most extreme negative mental flaws possible (A Sociopath and Schizophrenia, respectively) everyone else seems to exhibit a severe case of Hollywood-style autism.

Riddler is a genius, but, can't resist the urge to commit crimes (up to and including murder) and get away with them, merely to rub that genius in other's faces. While, at the same time, he stupidly leaves clues behind in the form of riddles that he apparently thinks no one else is smart enough to crack, despite the fact they routinely are solved, in short order, to the point you start to wonder if he WANTS to get caught. Much like how OPL thinks that spelling his name backwards will fool everyone and that he could win a contest by making a fake website declaring him the winner.

Mad Hatter is obsessed with making a female coworker, who he hasn't the guts to talk to, fall in love with him. He brainwashes her with his mind-control technology so she will, and then doesn't see why everyone else thinks that's a bad thing. Furthermore, when he's ultimately arrested for it (via Batman) he blames Batman for ruining his life by making him pay for his crimes, even though he had "good" motives! it's just like those no good Jerkops did to OPL!

The Penguin apes the dress and mannerisms of a high-society member, while being nothing but a crook underneath, as if he thinks that merely looking the part of a gentleman makes that all irrelevant. Chris thinks himself a moral and noble person, even as he maces people and tries to run them down in his car....

Scarecrow seems to get his jollies from making folks he doesn't like shit their pants in fear. After his introduction where he was just getting back at the University that fired him, it degenerates into mind-raping everyone with their worst fears for no reason other than they didn't appreciate his work, his crimes rarely have an economic motive beyond acquiring the money to buy the stuff he needs to keep scaring everyone, much like how Chris wishes violent harm upon those who he believes have wronged him, ignored him, or ruined his e-fame, and he can always find a reason if there's nothing concrete.

Okay, I've over-thought this wayyyy too much, better stop now before I get put on the list too.

 

[GiantSpiderInvasion]

Ben Katz is a man in his mid 20's with no job or ambitions, living with his psychiatrist father. Because it's the 90's and most people don't have the internet, he uses his time to routinely bother his dad and his receptionist(who finds him annoying) at work to just chat, pretty much. Or, some crazy antics, like don a cheesy detective outfit to find out why the receptionist wasn't at work, including dig in her building's dumpster. Or fume about his dad throwing out his favorite plush. His social life pretty much revolves around his dad, the receptionist, and the clerk at the video store. Shots of him playing with toys or eating sugary cereals with cartoon mascots further imply his manchildishness.

 

[TowinKarz]

I know the joke was how a professional therapist was totally unable to deal with his home life, but man, did I ever want to punch that kid right in the face and toss him out on the sidewalk to fend for himself.

Oh, and nice writeup, but don't forget his constant get-rich-quick schemes (again, the mid 90's, when the internet wasn't big meant that a self-made entrepreneur working from a living-room computer wasn't possible, small business still meant considerable overhead.) and routinely trying "edgy" things like getting his ear pierced (or at least milking the drama that he'd do it) and the best day of his life was the day he got mentioned in a newspaper, as the witness to a crime, because he was SURE this meant he'd now be famous and the money would just start pouring in, from..... somewhere....... major shades of OPL.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Napoleon Dynamite has Kip, Uncle Rico, and Napoleon himself.

Kip's an unemployed 32-year-old manchild who spends most of his time chatting with women online, and wants to be an MMA cage fighter even though he sucks at fighting and is a scrawny weakling.

Uncle Rico is a failed football player who is so obsessed with his supposed "missed opportunity" (if I remember correctly, he never really had the opportunity in the first place) that he bought a time machine online which, needless to say, didn't work. He spends his days making videos of himself throwing footballs, and coming up with shady get-rich-quick schemes.

Napoleon is a social outcast at his school who nonetheless thinks very highly of himself. He makes up stories about himself, like that he spent the summer fighting wolverines, and thinks he's a talented artist even though he sucks.

All three of them get happy endings, actually. Kip meets up with his online girlfriend and they get married, Rico gets his ass kicked, but still ends up with a girlfriend, and Napoleon helps Pedro become class president and becomes popular at school.

Pedro's also got some cow tendencies, too. Despite the whole "Vote for Pedro" fad launched by this movie, Pedro's more of a side character who doesn't get a lot of focus. However, from what we do see of him, he's a socially awkward weirdo like Napoleon. At one point in the movie, he feels incredibly hot, but can't figure out why. He then deduces that it's his hair, so he shaves it all off in order to cool down. He doesn't like the look, so he makes Napoleon go with him to buy a wig. Like the others, he gets a happy ending when he becomes class president.

 

[Ntwadumela]

I think Dr. Neo Cortex from the Crash series is a huge lolcow, being a very petulant and short-tempered manchild, having been mocked since a young age for scientific genius and having N for Nerd plastered on his forehead, the fact he himself is always failing at defeating Crash, the fact he becomes a major buttmonkey by Twinsanity, and being highly delusional on his childhood by saying he was popular but wasn't. Hell, his own TEACHER at the Academy of Evil Madame Amberly thought he was a barber when they reunited again in the same game.
Dr N. Gin from the same series also counts as he's a very effeminate scientist who most likely has Disassociative Identity Disorder, is very subservient to Dr. Cortex to the point of being a masochist, cries about how he's not pretty and has displayed monologues similar to Gollum.
Dr N. Brio has displayed lolcow tendencies as he was a pushover who let Cortex take all the credit in inventions, and developed into someone who claims to have invented everything known to man when that's not the case at all.

 

[Cynical]

I guess you could say a number of the Gantz cast falls into hypocrite, asshole, not all there or horrorcow territory.

As someone who has read a fair amount of the manga and watched some of the anime, it's hard to like ANYONE in that series, with MAYBE a few token exceptions.

YHE gives a decent overview, but let's just cover a few of the biggest cows.

Kei Kurono - a sex obsessed jackass who basically sees the fact he's now stuck as a semi undead monster killer as a great excuse to get pussy. He even realizes early on that he can basically take advantage of the shock of the other women involved to dupe them into fucking him since they think they are already dead. Throw in a lot of him acting like a total asshole and pretty much not giving a damn when his allies die (because he figures as long as they are guys, more will take their place, and as long as they are chicks, more pussy to nail), and you just want the guy to die off permanently.

MUCH later in the manga he finally starts attaining some basic decency, but only after so long of him being an utter tool you don't care anymore.

Kei Kishimoto - This chick is a clusterfuck of issues, starting off with the fact she was revived after trying to slit her wrists in a bathtub. She's also agonizingly stupid and pretty much lets Kurono have his way with her, partially from the shock of her now being a semi undead monster killer, partially because her self esteem is so low she just lets herself be used to get Kurono off.

Joichiro Nishi - An utter sociopath who in his former life pissed off his classmates so bad they threw him out a window to his death, and upon getting a chance post revival finds them and kills them all (except one girl who was nice to him). He never really improves after this.

Sei Sakuraoka - A slightly butch chick who winds up being in shock over her revival who Kurono pervs on almost instantly, and she comes off as a total whore because Kurono tells her flat out she's not really dead (anymore) but still let him have his way with her simply so he can piss off Kishimoto (who "broke up" with him temporarily), for no reason that is of any benefit to her whatsoever, and she's basically just another chick for Kurono to nail whose only redeemable virtue is being somewhat useful in combat.

Gantz - The titular thing that revives all the dead people and has them fight monsters is a skitzocow and horrorcow rolled into one. It has the mindset of a 13 year old railing coke at it's most coherent, is basically putting all these revived dead people through this monster and later alien hunting for what amounts to (mostly) shits and giggles. What makes it even worse is this thing is pretty much the only thing on the planet that is giving humanity a chance, and it's bugfuck insane pretty much always.

I could go on, but the cast is too large to bother, though honorable mention goes to the deranged sped who fucked a wall made of alien vaginas simply because he figured he was gonna die so he might as well get his rocks off.

......tl;dr.....Gantz is Lolcow/Horrorcow/Skitzocows: The Series.

 

[Hummingbird]

As someone who has read a fair amount of the manga and watched some of the anime, it's hard to like ANYONE in that series, with MAYBE a few token exceptions.

YHE gives a decent overview, but let's just cover a few of the biggest cows.

Kei Kurono - a sex obsessed jackass who basically sees the fact he's now stuck as a semi undead monster killer as a great excuse to get pussy. He even realizes early on that he can basically take advantage of the shock the other women involved to dupe them into fucking him since they think they are already dead. Throw in a lot of him acting like a total asshole and pretty much not giving a damn when his allies die (because he figures as long as they are guys, more will take their place, and as long as they are chicks, more pussy to nail), and you just want the guy to die off permanently.

MUCH later in the manga he finally starts attaining some basic decency, but only after so long of him being an utter tool you don't care anymore.

Kei Kishimoto - This chick is a clusterfuck of issues, starting off with the fact she was revived after trying to slit her wrists in a bathtub. She's also agonizingly stupid and pretty much lets Kurono have his way with her, partially from the shock of her now being a semi undead monster killer, partially because her self esteem is so low she just lets herself be used to get Kurono off.

Joichiro Nishi - An utter sociopath who in his former life pissed off his classmates so bad they threw him out a window to his death, and upon getting a chance post revival finds them and kills them all (except one girl who was nice to him). He never really improves after this.

Sei Sakuraoka - A slightly butch chick who winds up being in shock over her revival who Kurono pervs on almost instantly, and she comes off as a total whore because Kurono tells her flat out she's not really dead (anymore) but still let him have his way with her simply so he can piss off Kishimoto (who "broke up" with him temporarily), for no reason that is of any benefit to her whatsoever, and she's basically just another chick for Kurono to nail whose only redeemable virtue is being somewhat useful in combat.

Gantz - The titular thing that revives all the dead people and has them fight monsters is a skitzocow and horrocow rolled into one. It has the mindset of a 13 year old railing coke at it's most coherent, is basically putting all these revived dead people through this monster and later alien hunting for what amounts to (mostly) shits and giggles. What makes it even worse is this thing is pretty much the only thing on the planet that is giving humanity a chance, and it's bugfuck insane pretty much always.

I could go on, but the cast is too large to bother, though honorable mention goes to the deranged sped who fucked a wall made of alien vaginas simply because he figured he was gonna die so he might as well get his rocks off.

......tl;dr.....Gantz is Lolcow/Horrorcow/Skitzocows: The Series.

Would consider Masaru Kato one? I've only seen three episodes of the anime and for a guy who rails on others for not "doing the right thing", he's willing to let one of the jerks get his ass kicked and die while he talks with some other guy. I was almost shouting at the screen, "Do something!"

 

[Cynical]

Would consider Masaru Kato one? I've only seen three episodes of the anime and for a guy who rails on others for not "doing the right thing", he's willing to let one of the jerks get his ass kicked and die while he talks with some other guy. I was almost shouting at the screen, "Do something!"

He's actually borderline tolerable to kinda likable, mostly because aside from letting total assholes die, he actually tries to show a little humanity from the start, a trait in such short supply for so much of the manga and anime he's one of the very few characters you don't want to watch to die horribly ASAP.

 

[GiantSpiderInvasion]

Groginold from the Youtube cartoon series, Sperg Fox is an intentional mashup of negative autistic stereotypes. As such, he is equal parts reprehensible and pitiable. One episode has him diagnosed with autism, and then going out and doing terrible things to people because he knows he now has an excuse. There's also him freaking out over Sanik's blue arms, wearing his dead mother's clothes and makeup, having sexual fantasies about Fluttershy(in front of his kid half sister), and wearing diapers.

As a bonus, the series is done in an MS Paint style, with limited animation, and Speakonia voices.

 

[Prince Omicron]

Does Arnold J Rimmer count?

 

[TowinKarz]

I think he's more of a narcissist than an autist, not that narcissists can't be lolcows... he certainly has an autist's acerbic personality, inability to tolerate others who aren't like him, and a belief in his own superiority that has little to no grounding in reality and certainly no commensurate achievements to justify.

About the only thing he doesn't do that cows DO do is creepily stalk women, but that's probably only because he loves himself more.

 

[Sailor_Jupiter]

Umino, the hopeless geeky boy from Sailor Moon. Probably Prince Diamond, too, who would travel through time and change the earth's past just to (unsuccessfully!) get laid. Sailor Saturn's Dad, the lunatic who thought fusing with an alien was a GREAT idea- oh, yeah, and he used his daughter for weird transhumanistic science experiments.

Miroku, Sesshoumaru, and Naraku from Inuyasha. Also Kohaku. And Kikyou. And Kagome... Awww, heck, everyone in that messed-up series is a deranged lolcow, except for some minor characters like Shippou. It's like Chris-chan in medieval Japan, with monsters. I want to know what Rumiko Takahashi is smoking these days.

Emma Woodhouse from Emma (although she does get better towards the end, mostly due to her brother-in-law trying to rein in her weirdness.)

Maybe Conseil from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea? He's a real weirdo. (Actually, that entire book DRIPS with autism. You'll become autistic just by reading it!)

Mokona from Magic Knight Rayearth... because of important series spoilers.

DEFINITELY the mad-professor dude from The Magician's Nephew (his name escapes me.)

Jadis, from the same book.

I'm going to anger some fans, but... Sherlock Holmes. And his older brother even more so.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Umino, the hopeless geeky boy from Sailor Moon

I only saw the American version. Wasn't his name, like, Melvin or some other stereotypically "geeky" name?

 

[TowinKarz]

@Sailor_Jupiter I wouldn't say it angers me. You can't say Holmes (either of them) is neurotypical. He was supposed to be strange, even to the contemporary reader. If anything, some of that eccentricity has lost it's bite over the years as people are more accepting of quirky nowadays. Supposedly, he was based off a University Professor Arthur Conan Doyle knew who was very much Holmsian in his ability to be brilliant in his one field of study, but a total misfit otherwise.

I'd say you could armchair diagnose him with a lot of possible afflictions, but whatever it was, it was mild. It didn't affect his ability to behave properly in society, it was just that he often chose to stay behind closed doors where he could be as kooky as he liked, only taking cases to essentially pay his rent and stay there.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

The post about Gantz reminded my of my own personal borderline horrorcow implausibly portrayed as a good guy: Detective Elliot "Un" Stabler from Law And Order SVU. The guy's a whiny manchild with a temper like a hydrogen bomb, and pretty much every other episode you can count on him supplying at least one scene of tard rage-induced police brutality. He claims he became a sex crimes detective to protect children, and yet he frequently neglects and psychologically abuses his own family (I'm told he actually beats his oldest son in one episode but I've never seen it). On the job, he's admitted to frequently fantasizing about killing people, shoved a suspect face-first through a plate glass window so hard the window broke, demonstrated hatred of both gay and transgender people, advocated for the restriction of free speech, searched buildings without a warrant, and even tried to flat-out murder a suspect by drowning (though he's talked down from doing it). Oh, and at one point he visits a shrink, who gets him to admit that he's still hung up over the time he trashed his own childhood science project and the teacher predictably flunked him for it (Shrink: "What grade did you get?" Stabler: "ANNNNN EYYYUFFFFFFF!").

 

[TowinKarz]

I blame the writers, Mike Logan from the original Law and Order is the perfect way to write a hothead police officer with issues..... For all his flaws, I liked him, and ultimately felt bad when he got demoted for punching one-too-many people.

Stabler is a psycho with a badge, but it's totes alright! He had a rough childhood.

 

[Sailor_Jupiter]

Didn't one of the Law and Order writers get arrested for being a pedophile recently?

I remember not being too surprised by it: the few SVU episodes I managed to gag my way through seemed like they were written one-handed. (NCIS was a better mystery show!)