Lolcows in Fiction (Books, TV, Movies, etc.)

[Sailor_Jupiter]

I only saw the American version. Wasn't his name, like, Melvin or some other stereotypically "geeky" name?

Yes, that's him. (Honestly, I think most people are more used to his English name, but the SM fandom is full of pretentious GLORIOUS NIPPONESE ONRY! types, so I guess I just automatically filter to their Japanese names sometimes when I'm online. ^^; )

 

[TowinKarz]

SVU definitely soured me on the franchise, though the gradual shift from gritty, believable crimes to supervillain-esque conspiracies to perpetuate odd sex crimes had started me that way much earlier.

 

[Cynical]

The post about Gantz reminded my of my own personal borderline horrorcow implausibly portrayed as a good guy: Detective Elliot "Un" Stabler from Law And Order SVU. The guy's a whiny manchild with a temper like a hydrogen bomb, and pretty much every other episode you can count on him supplying at least one scene of tard rage-induced police brutality. He claims he became a sex crimes detective to protect children, and yet he frequently neglects and psychologically abuses his own family (I'm told he actually beats his oldest son in one episode but I've never seen it). On the job, he's admitted to frequently fantasizing about killing people, shoved a suspect face-first through a plate glass window so hard the window broke, demonstrated hatred of both gay and transgender people, advocated for the restriction of free speech, searched buildings without a warrant, and even tried to flat-out murder a suspect by drowning (though he's talked down from doing it). Oh, and at one point he visits a shrink, who gets him to admit that he's still hung up over the time he trashed his own childhood science project and the teacher predictably flunked him for it (Shrink: "What grade did you get?" Stabler: "ANNNNN EYYYUFFFFFFF!").

Yeah, Stabler started off reasonably enough (for the first few episodes anyway) and just continued to get more and more unhinged. Part of the reason he wasn't kicked off the cast earlier is likely because people who enjoyed watching him beat the shit out of pedophiles (understandable, but it's still a bad portrayal for a cop on a show with a name like "Law & Order").

In a way, it's kind of a revealing commentary on the people who still stuck around to watch him and liked what they saw.

 

[Pinball Lizard]

And speaking of horrible heroes, Sasuke Uchiha and his entire family from Naruto are all wangsty man-bitches who refuse to admit anything is ever their fault. It's revealed late in the series that they near-literally have superhuman emo-ness as an actual superpower. Yeah... late Naruto definitely went to pot.

 

[Cynical]

Yeah, Stabler started off reasonably enough (for the first few episodes anyway) and just continued to get more and more unhinged. Part of the reason he wasn't kicked off the cast earlier is likely because people who enjoyed watching him beat the shit out of pedophiles (understandable, but it's still a bad portrayal for a cop on a show with a name like "Law & Order").

In a way, it's kind of a revealing commentary on the people who still stuck around to watch him and liked what they saw.

Just discovered these assholes prove my point:

https://www.reddit.com/r/GamerGhazi/comments/4nheqj/law_order_svu_is_an_alternative_reality_where/

 

[Pinball Lizard]

I honestly lost all respect for SVU the moment they had actual, honest-to-gosh real life sex offender Mike Tyson on as a sympathetic character. Said character was also a sex offender, but only because he was made that way by a worse offender played by Ed Asner. The Tyson character even gets a happy ending, a retrial with the possibility of a lesser sentence, after it's found out that the original prosecutor deliberately concealed evidence that might've made the jury more sympathetic to him.

 

[AnOminous]

I honestly lost all respect for SVU the moment they had actual, honest-to-gosh real life sex offender Mike Tyson on as a sympathetic character. Said character was also a sex offender, but only because he was made that way by a worse offender played by Ed Asner. The Tyson character even gets a happy ending, a retrial with the possibility of a lesser sentence, after it's found out that the original prosecutor deliberately concealed evidence that might've made the jury more sympathetic to him.

That whole franchise needs to die. The fact the GamerGate episode wasn't even the worst, dumbest episode of the show in the last few years says all you need to know.

 

[Army Burger]

I honestly lost all respect for SVU the moment they had actual, honest-to-gosh real life sex offender Mike Tyson on as a sympathetic character. Said character was also a sex offender, but only because he was made that way by a worse offender played by Ed Asner. The Tyson character even gets a happy ending, a retrial with the possibility of a lesser sentence, after it's found out that the original prosecutor deliberately concealed evidence that might've made the jury more sympathetic to him.

Re: Mike Tyson, he did do some awful stuff in the past, but in recent years he has made a genuine effort to be a better person. I highly recommend this article from SI written in 2010.

 

[Ruin]

Craig Feldspar from Malcom in the Middle.
Cosmo Kramer from Seinfeld
Barry from Resident Evil
Sheryl Tunt from Archer is almost a horrorcow

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Craig Feldspar from Malcom in the Middle.

Reese is a lolcow too.

 

[Ruin]

Reese is a lolcow too.

Come to think of it everyone in that show kinda is.

 

[Dio Brando]

My third character is once again JoJo related, I'm gonna talk about Nukesaku

Spoiler

Nukesaku is a vampire in DIO's mansion. Nukesaku is considered pathetic and weak even by other minions of DIO, even losers like Terence D'Arby and Kenny G mocked him. When they were all defeated, he saw this as the perfect opportunity to prove himself a worthy minion. Now vampires in JoJo always had weird powers like freezing or growing spikes, and Nukesaku's ability is the whole reason for him being mocked. His "amazing" vampire ability is that he can grow the face of a woman on the back of his head. He wasn't even good at disguising himself since the heroes saw through the disguise immediately. Being cornered, he leaped and bit Star Platinum's wrist. His bite was so weak, it did nothing to Jotaro, and he was forced to lead the group to DIO's bedroom where he is finished off by his master.

Fun fact: Nukesaku is just the guy's title, it's a Japanese saying that means "idiot" or "moron", Jotaro actually called him that without even knowing that was his title, much to Nukesaku's surprise

 

[Pinball Lizard]

Toby Maguire's take on Spider-Man from the Sam Raimi trilogy. These movies were groundbreaking for their time, but they have NOT aged well at all, a big part of that being that Maguire's Peter Parker is a pathetic, self-flagellating douchebag. In the second movie in particular he's portrayed as such a dweeb that he can't even hold down a part-time job at a pizza parlor. In the third one he's basically a MySpace emo kid as well.

Plus he completely ignores the cute Russian girl that's totally into him in favor of awkwardly pursuing Kirsten Dunst's annoying Mary Jane, another portrayal that hasn't stood the test of time.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

I made a post about the movie Fargo a bit ago, but it didn't have a lot of info, so here's another one with more detail about the lolcows in this movie.

Jerry Lundegaard: Jerry is an incompetent milquetoast with a job as a car salesman that he only got because his father-in-law owns the company. He's an entitled ass who drives the movie's plot forward through his desire to con said father-in-law out of money. To this end, he comes up with a stupid plan to hire some guys to kidnap his wife for him, and then demand ransom money which he plans to split with them. He doesn't think about how it'll affect his wife or son because he's selfish and only cares about getting what he feels he's owed. He's also a sniveling coward who bends to the will of everyone around him. When his control freak of a father-in-law decides that he wants to oversee the money transfer himself (the kidnappers had previously stated that they'd only deal with Jerry), Jerry can't even speak up to stop him. This ends up getting the father-in-law killed. After the plan predictably falls apart, Jerry flees to another state but is quickly tracked down by the cops. As they arrest him, he starts having what looks like a temper tantrum like a five-year-old.

Carl Showalter: One of the two guys whom Jerry hires to do the kidnapping. He's almost as unintelligent as Jerry, though his lolcowery mainly comes from the fact that he's a tough-talking loudmouth who routinely gets his ass handed to him by other characters in the movie. He's always starting shit because of his short temper and it eventually gets him killed after he has a (completely needless) argument with his accomplice Gaer Grimsrud (who himself could probably qualify as a horrorcow if he had more characterization).

Mike Yamagita: A minor character, but still probably the biggest lolcow in the movie. Yamagita is a former classmate of Marge Gunderson who calls her after seeing her on the news because of her work on the case that drives the plot. Marge and Yamagita later go to dinner, where Yamagita claims to have been married, but that his wife died. He then makes some creepy advances, only to be rebuffed by Marge. He then has a crying fit after she rejects him...in public, no less. It's later revealed that his "wife" was actually just a girl he had a crush on, and that she didn't really die; he just stalked her to the point where she had to move away. He additionally is revealed to have lied about having a good job. He's actually living with his parents.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

So I decided to jump on the bandwagon and play Life is Strange (better late than never). I think both antagonists (Nathan Prescott and Mark Jefferson) could qualify as horrorcows. Though, Nathan's also a sadcow/tragicow.

 

[Brahmin Baron]

So I decided to jump on the bandwagon and play Life is Strange (better late than never). I think both antagonists (Nathan Prescott and Mark Jefferson) could qualify as horrorcows. Though, Nathan's also a sadcow/tragicow.

Do you think Chloe could count as a lolcow? She steals, parks in handicapped spaces, ignores advice, has no sense of responsibility, and makes dumb self-destructive decisions.

 

[Darwin Watterson]

Do you think Chloe could count as a lolcow? She steals, parks in handicapped spaces, ignores advice, has no sense of responsibility, and makes dumb self-destructive decisions.

Yeah, Chloe's definitely a lolcow, too. At one point she even flat-out acknowledges that she's to blame for her own problems, but still refuses to own up to anything and continues blaming shit on everyone else.

She's also insanely possessive of Max.

Max moved away for five years and didn't have any contact with Chloe during that whole period of time. Chloe's understandably a bit miffed, seeing as how she and Max had been best friends. But she still takes it too far. She spergs out when Max gets a phone call from a school friend (who'd been showing some serious signs of depression previously), and gets extremely pissy over it even though the call takes literally 20 seconds. You later get tasked with talking said school friend out of suicide. If you chose to ignore her call like Chloe wanted you to, it makes it a lot more likely that you'll fail this part (and it's already rather difficult).

She also gets caught with weed by her overbearing stepdad. You hide in the closet, and as she gets yelled at you can choose to either stay there or come out and cover for her. If you don't cover for her, her stepdad will hit her. Max apologizes, but Chloe says it's okay because the punishment would've been worse had Max been caught. Later on, however, she'll give you shit if you chose not to defend her EVEN THOUGH SHE SPECIFICALLY SAID IT WAS FOR THE BETTER.

Speaking of her stepdad, she hates his guts and treats him like shit for no good reason. He's a bit of an ass, and is by no means perfect, but the game makes it abundantly clear that he means well, and Chloe comes off as a cunt at times. There's also the fact that it's suggested that she isn't in jail because he routinely covers for her and uses his connections with the police to keep her out. Yet she's an ungrateful twat.

Samuel, the janitor, could also be considered a skitzocow.

 

[Overcast]

Some of the characters in Psychonauts have lolcowish tendencies.

There's this one girl with a space helmet (Chloe I think it was) who believes she's from space and instead of calling the police or Psychonauts HQ when asked to by Raz to help, she attempts to call aliens.

Dogen wears footie pajamas everywhere and has a feud with squirrels.

Boyd got fired from his security job and decided to set his old workplace on fire. He also makes lots of conspiracy theories revolving around a "milkman".

Fred Bonaparte was an orderly who decided to play a game of War with one of his patients out of kindness. However, he kept losing to him and constantly rematched him, losing every time. This drove him to madness which led him to believing he's Napoleon. Said patient ended up becoming HIS orderly.

Coach Oleander has this delusion where he was a huge military hero, when in reality, he was rejected by every branch due to his height.

Dr. Loboto is a dentist, and yet he's responsible for extracting the children's brains. Also he wears a shower cap wherever he goes.

There are other examples, but that's all I can think of right now.

 

[Purple People Eater]

Almost anyone from Trailer Park Boys, but mainly Ricky. He's borderline illiterate, lives in a car most of the time, and has blatantly stated his refusal to get a real job in favor of petty crime or dope-growing schemes. He often puts his two teenage lackeys in danger as part of his plans and generally treats them like shit, almost getting them (and sometimes himself) killed many times.

I saw a post way up the thread about Vice Principal Nero, and it got me thinking that Count Olaf himself is approaching lolcow territory. He's part of a failed acting troupe full of social rejects like himself including a man with hooks for hands and someone who splits their clothes right down the middle to dress equally male/female. He spends 13 books worth of time dressing up in different disguises following the Baudelaire orphans in an attempt to steal the fortune left by their parents. His first grand plan? Marry the eldest orphan, a fourteen-year-old girl, by staging a play about a marriage and casting an official justice of the peace. I'm sure there are many other notable examples, but it's been a while since I've read any Lemony Snicket.

 

[CWCchange]

Come to think of it everyone in that show kinda is.

Except Dewey, who figured out how to milk them all.