I've posted Phil's family tree multiple times here so I won't post it again but the Italian larping (He's just 1/4th ethnically Italian btw) becomes even more laughable when you realize Phil's paternal family is literally 100% New England Anglos from Maine. He's twice as much of a Maine WASP as he is a robust Italian. That's not even mentioning the guy knows not a damn thing about his supposed home country. It's like a white woman discovering she is 1/32 Cherokee and then pretending to be an expert on Indians.
New England WASP you say?
"I live on a placid stream of ignorance, in the midst of black (bites nails) seas of detractor content, and it was never meant that I should voyage far dood" - DarkSydePhil
Have you all heard the story of Phil and his cat
Niggerman JasperKitty? In the story 'The Pigs in the Walls' our protaginist and his child JasperKitty make a terrible discovery. In the depths below his 'office' Phil Burnell found a trap door. Within was what could only be described as antediluvian cyclopic stonework, much to be big heavy to be of human make. Within the darkend passage he hears what can only be the cadence of swine screaming in dark.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WMwSh4UswEc
He ventures down, the only light coming from the JPG's of sweaty men from his phone, his son JasperKitty in tow, his head freshly wet from being sprayed by a water bottle for daring to sniff at one of the hundreds of wires around the trap door in the
pigden office. Phils gout made every step agony, but he used to a body builder back in college and he could feel the adreline in his system from the work out of going down a few stairs. It was the exact same rush within his body he felt when he vacummed the floor at 2 in the morning that one time when Leanna left him. He goes down, ever down the dark twisting passage. A neigh from above calls to him, his horse wife Kat has found that their Doordash is cold, it came 40 minutes ago but they couldn't eat it then because of their schedule dood, stupid idiots always bring it too early fucking morons *snort*. The passage shakes from her waddling upstairs, Phil presses on and reaches the bottom.
There he makes the most horrifc discovery, he was amazed he could remain sane in the face of such dizzifying revelations. There were cattle pens below spanning as far as his eyes could see, which wasn't far because he struggles to see things on a TV screen a few feet from him. And within these pens were the baying screams of swine that was not swine. In the faces of the cattle he saw his elderly parents, and their parents and their parents on and on. All of the Burnell clan was here , even his bitch of an aunt who got gout and didn't tell him so how was he supposed to know he would get it?
In the face of this, his true lineage Phil let out a might snort, it all made sense, why he snorted so often in the microphone, why he ate so and drank so much, why his face had weird face folds, why his body is so fucking weried, why his hair was greasy why his goatee was white, not thinning its white hair you can't really see guys don't be stupid idiots. Phil was molted by this new found knowledge and all he could say before his consciousness fled from him was 'uhhhh what am I supposed to do? I didn't know?'
And all that responded to him was the baying of the pigs.
(
Just pretend Lovecrafts face here is actually Phils 
