I'm really tired right now, but I can't sleep, so I'll tell you all about my very first lolcow. I'll edit any mistakes I might make when I'm less tired.
So, back in the ancient year of 2006, I became active on TV.com. I was really young at the time, and it had notes and cool bits of trivia about my favorite shows. I thought it was pretty neat, and signed up for an account. It was one of the first sites I ever registered for.
It also had a forum. The first forum I was ever active on, to be precise. The userbase was pretty cool, and it was less autistic than you'd expect a TV show forum to be...except for one fucking guy.
This guy, whom we'll call "Captain Charisma," because his username was based on the wrestler Christian, was probably the first online lolcow I've ever had the "pleasure" of witnessing.
Captain Charisma was constantly creating "elimination game" threads in the cartoon subforums. How that worked was he made a list of character names with numbers next to them. People playing would "heal" a character (add to that character's number) and "hurt" another (subtract from the number), and continue on until one wins. Yeah, it's very autistic.
Anyway, not too many people actually played these games, but he'd keep on making them. Eventually, the staff got sick of them and started deleting them. He sperged out in the forums and his profile. He'd insult them and even threaten them. Sometimes it'd be subtle (like repeatedly telling them "don't make me mad"), while other times they were straight-up death threats. Miraculously, he was never banned for this, though the staff DID warn him a few times (which I know because he'd post a new blog bitching about the site each time they did). My guess is that he knew some higher-up at the site. Either that or their moderation team was mostly incompetent.
He wasn't any more pleasant to the other users. He'd openly insult them and often got into fights with them during his elimination game sperg-outs. People would make fun of him sometimes in other threads for it, and he'd often respond to obvious troll posts as though they were legitimate.
I never really interacted with him personally, but he was a frequent visitor to many of the same subforums as me so I saw a lot of him. I remember finding his antics entertaining, so I started actively observing him.
TV.com got a drastic redesign. I didn't really like it very much, so I mostly stopped going there. I briefly went back in 2008 or 2009, though, pretty much to check in. Guess who was still an active member of the site, and somehow avoided getting banned for that whole length of time. Yep. Captain fucking Charisma.
He seemed to have abandoned the site's forums (or maybe he'd gotten banned from them), but he still regularly posted entries to his page's personal blog (they've since removed this feature), and wrote reviews for different TV shows. The blog posts were mostly stupid "Top 10" lists that nobody read, and each one of them had zero comments. He started claiming to be a critic for some local magazine of his, but when I actually googled the name he gave out of curiosity, nothing relevant came up. The idea that even a local magazine would hire him was pretty fucking laughable too. His writing style was simplistic, and a lot of it was plagiarized. This was around the time Doug Walker started getting popular, and a decent amount of the entries on his stupid lists were word-for-word transcripts of things Walker said in his videos. It was pretty easy to tell the difference between stuff he wrote himself and stuff he stole from other people. There'd be this eloquently worded sentence followed by some simplistic "captain obvious" statement.
His reviews weren't much better. A lot of them were plagiarized from different people too, but the ones that weren't were the real highlight. They were incredibly spergy. One that I remember was a review of that Cartoon Network show, Squirrel Boy. He pretty much detailed about how he got so mad that he cried the first time he saw the show, and blamed it for replacing Looney Tunes (despite the fact that CN stopped showing Looney Tunes in 2004, two years before Squirrel Boy premiered). TV.com had a minimum word count for reviews, which made it painfully obvious when he couldn't think of stuff to say. He'd literally type filler words like "umm" and "uhh" in as a way to boost his word count. Sometimes, he even went as far as copying and pasting the text multiple times to make it look like he'd written more than he had. He also reviewed WWE Raw, and the way he worded certain things suggested that he believed that wrestling was real. His reviews were also deleted a lot, and he'd complain about that in his blog, with his familiar antics of vague and not-so-vague threats.
I'm sure that there's a lot that I'm leaving out, but I've got to go from memory. I tried to check in on him again recently, but unfortunately I couldn't find his profile. I'm guessing that they finally got around to kicking him off the site. It's a shame, really. Had Kiwi Farms been around back then, he'd probably have been worthy of his own thread. I'm sure he's still out there somewhere, though. Who knows? Maybe I'll be lucky enough to find him again one day.
Oh, and I remember his profile said that he was born in, like, 1988 or 1989. Past the point where this kind of behavior would be considered excusable.
Update: I remember that people who got sick of his elimination games used to make up fake characters to troll him with. One that I remember specifically was when he kept getting pissed off at people in a Futurama game because they were "healing" and "hurting" nonexistent characters like "Zember" and "Zeeblo."
