Original Post Sept 6, 2023
My (32M) GF (24F) and I have been dating for about 2 years now. 4 months ago she started acting what I would call “weird” or different. She started ignoring my calls for a couple of days. For context, we don’t live together. I eventually went over to her house and she opened the door and looked like a wreck. Hair was a mess, face red and puffy, like she had been crying. I ask what’s wrong and she just kind of shut down.
She eventually broke down crying more and said a co-worker of hers sexually assaulted her. He had attacked her during a photo shoot when nobody else was around and it was really shocking to hear. I immediately asked had she done a rape kit, been to the hospital, filed a police report, etc. and she said no that she wouldn’t do that. Again, I was shocked, I find out this happened the weekend prior and that she said she couldn’t possibly face him again, or go through a court process. I did everything possible to convince her otherwise, she eventually snapped at me and told me to leave. I initially refused, but she began screaming at me, so I left.
I contemplated telling her parents, but I didn’t. I knew she wouldn’t of told them either. I’m hindsight, I probably should have, but I didn’t. I gave her the next 24 hours to herself before reaching back out. We talked more and met up, and I talked to her once again about filing, to which she denied. I told her then she would need therapy to help get over this trauma. A couple of weeks later she said she had begun speaking to someone about this. Now I don’t know who this person is, or if she even REALLY is going, but a month after the situation she seemed better. We were hanging out, laughing, having a good time again.
Here’s where it gets a little rough. Our sexual life has obviously been non-existent. I get it, I understand why this is. One time I tried making a move and she legit flinched. Her eyes widened, I knew she wasn’t ready. She apologized, I apologized and that was that. This was almost 3 months ago. We are 4 months past her assault she’s been in therapy supposedly for 3 months and there is no sex period, not even fooling around. Sex is important in a relationship to me, I’ve tried talking to her about it & she just says that it’s “scary” for her and she gets flashbacks. I get that, I 100% do, but how long am I expected to wait with nothing at all?
She doesn’t speak to me at all about therapy sessions, never talks about what happened outside of that day, and yet wants to have a normal relationship. I don’t see this as a normal relationship anymore. I’m not legally tied to her, so I’m thinking of just ending the relationship. I love her, but I have needs too. I just don’t want to seem like a complete ass leaving her.
Update Sept 12, 2023
First of all, I want to thank everybody for participating in the chat. About 80% of the comments were extremely toxic & I figured it would be like that. The post had 50k+ views and over 400 comments all up for debate. I also got plenty of helpful comments and messages from people giving me great advice.
For summary if you see this, my GF of over 2 years was sexually assaulted and refused to press charges against the man who she knew attacked her. She has not told anybody about this except me and she was almost ready to keep it from me as well. She refuses to talk to her friends or her family and claims she is in therapy that I needed to really press the issue on. I still to this day have no assurance of that, but I obviously take her word for it. My problem is that despite the lack of communication, our sex life has obviously been non-existent. I expect that to a degree. This assault happened almost 5 months ago now. I’ve tried to engage her sexually one time, to which she didn’t want to, and I get that. At the time it was too soon & I still to this day haven’t tried anything since. I gave her the respect and the boundary to work through it and didn’t want to try it again unless she was 100000% ready so that’s what I’ve done.
A lot of people said “oh you’re an asshole” “you don’t love her” this all isn’t true at all and quite ignorant. Just because I want to hook up in some way doesn’t mean I don’t love her or respect her, I just have never been in this situation. I didn’t know how she would react or that with almost 5 months of therapy would she still not want to have sex or at least be intimate in some way. I ended up breaking up with her over the weekend and she was obviously upset about it, but I feel like this was the best option for both of us. We aren’t married, we don’t live together, so it’s not like we have to go through some divorce process or work on getting out of a place we live at together. She can now COMPLETELY focus on her recovery and mental health without having to worry about our relationship. This was on Saturday night and we’ve still kept in touch since. I told her I’ll still be around as a friend and will help with whatever is needed. I’m not just planning on leaving her out to dry.
I already know the comments will say “good she deserves better” “now she can find someone worth the time” blah blah I get it. I disagree, but I think I did a lot of things right in this situation. I however don’t think I’m obligated to stick around a relationship I’m unhappy with and get no communication out of. We both talked about the possibility of getting back together in the future and I agreed to it. I can certainly see that as something that happens and I look forward to the future.
