Ladies, what's the ideal/safe way to turn down free drinks or food from scrotes that doesn't cause a fight? I was pondering this incident that made me think.
I've witnessed this go poorly before where the bartender is put in the awkward position of rejecting the advance for you or they just leave the thing on your table while the scrote just staaaaares to see if it's drank. The lady I saw do this was part of our all girls pub crawl for a hen party some years back, but she was very much married and just paid for the exact same drink in return for the guy and said politely that she could pay for her own and that she's married but to have a nice night and he chimped out at her for being ungrateful and was raising his voice aggressively until a guy at a different table told him to settle down.
Is there a safer way she could have done this?
I don’t think it’s a “safety” issue, or that you can or should try to control for everything unless you just prefer to stay home, but other options could have been:
- Refused it (to the bartender) when the bartender brought it over and not engaged about it.
- Or made less of a point about “I can take care of myself and will buy you one back” - that’s defensive and apologetic for something he did without being asked, so forget that. He may also experience it as emasculating, and you know how sensitive they are about that. Tbh that approach also ratcheted up the conflict (which of course shouldn’t have been a conflict to begin with, but apparently it was). That said, she didn’t do anything wrong/not her fault this guy was bitch-made. But over-explaining or over-accommodating a risk he chose to take may have had the opposite impact than what she intended. He didn’t need to know her status or to be “compensated.”
- If he approaches after sending something over, it’s polite and simple say thank you, that was kind, then close out the conversation.
- Or to exchange a few words, thank him for the drink and let the convo die/turn back to what you were doing. He’ll usually head back to his table or seat or linger awkwardly a minute or two then go do something else.
- I won’t even add charming her way out of engaging (if they were actually already in a conversation, and he wasn’t crazy/completely wasted and belligerent) without compromising her integrity, because those types of methods are considered surrender and are anathema in this thread/in the positional gender wars that play out on this site, though they do exist and can be quite successful.
Most men understand this (rejection, especially from someone not available) is part of normal life, risk/reward stuff, and don’t come apart at the seams - they will just grin sheepishly, say cheers, and go away after wishing a good night, but I acknowledge there are apparently barn-raised people infiltrating normal human places even more than the gender renegades. If some man has a tantrum or escalates like a bitch, then involve the restaurant management, leave, or learn some conflict management skills and talk it down yourself.
General comments:
For men/approachers: Sending over a drink is a risk - risk the person isn’t interested for one reason or another. Don’t send it over if you think it impels someone to do something. It’s a fucking gift -
have some grace.
On the flip side, being polite isn’t a grand sacrifice, either. You can be implicit or direct in expressing “not interested,” but it’s not a fucking crisis to be asked, and feeling
assaulted by some man trying his luck in a polite (not the guy in the example, obvs; I mean generally), public, and refusable way is
exactly analogous to the kind of hyper-sensitivity that has people getting completely bent and shouting genocide that the world doesn’t automatically process you as Gender 2 when you are clearly and factually, biologically Gender 1.
I also don’t consider this a preventable “safety” issue/“unsafe” situation, really, in the situation described. You can’t control for entitled or poorly reared, poorly socialized men who carry all their struggles into every interaction. But taking on the burden of a man’s free choice that doesn’t land is for chumps.
Moid here, great and educational thread.
Wanted to ask (dunno if this was asked before, huge fucking thread): in what situations would you women not mind a complete stranger moid start talking to you? Any red flags that throw you off immediately.
Thanks.
I acknowledge most anyone who speaks to me. If I don’t like their vibe (crazy) or am just not in the mood for a random chat, I say something polite and innocuous (it’s called pleasantries, peasants) and keep it moving.
I used to like talking to people a lot more than I do now; I’ve been in a hermit arc. I also have an ability to look completely unapproachable and have no qualms about walking away/turning back to my business while shutting down the convo, so am not really subject to unwanted chitchat beyond a minute or so. That goes for dotty lonely old ladies or men as well as would-be lotharios.
But specifically in terms of men/being approached/hit on, I’ve never minded someone trying to strike up a conversation, if they can read the room - if they don’t get much of a reply then go away. I have never felt afraid or threatened in a public situation merely for being approached, nor murderous (toward them) merely for the fact of some random trying to strike up a conversation. That doesn’t necessarily mean I feel like chatting, though; it’s not always about “you.” (Though sometimes it is about you, and you really need to learn how to accept and process that with some grace and healthy humility without getting freakishly rage-filled.)
For reasons that aren't fully understood, boys/men are more readily affected by their environment than girls/women.
But wait, I keep hearing it’s women who are the frivolous little things subject to the whims of society and fads, fickle, with no solid center, personality or fixedness, while men are thinking about the Roman Empire and therefore quite evidently made of more lasting, constant, stalwart, and eternal stuff. How can this be???
The great thing about big dick energy is you don't even have to have a dick to have it
Yes, but in women they like to call it being a ball-busting bitch, usually right after realizing they can’t pull one.
