Holy shit I want a Fong o' Lantern!
I don't believe this is off topic because I'm comparing Wombat Cube-Shit to square pumpkins, and this shit will be hilarious if he pulls it off next Halloween. It's also definitely Dong-Gone related.
Besides pharmafagging, I also engage in a touch of farmafagging.
In all seriousness, you're 100% fucked for this year. If you can even find one of these sons of bitches, they are going to be ridiculously overpriced.
You seem like a responsible individual, and therefore I assume you're a homeowner, so you can set up a patch in the backyard next year (seeds are on discount now at your local hardware store!). You only need one plant (although due to disease issues I would put in three, you can always prune extras out later). It's relatively cheap to throw in an elevated bed and a drip system if you don't have anything going right now, but something in the back of my mind tells me you know how to tend to a garden and do already.
Then once you have a promising gourd developing, apply the simple techniques of the Japanese watermelon joke I was making, and the Fongkin and resulting Fong'o'Lantern is yours at a reasonable price, earning you further notoriety and adoration on the Farms next season, and a guaranteed win if they do a pumpkin carving contest.
I don't know if you have a decent sized 3D printer, but molds are available on Thingiverse last time I checked (you'll need to use transparent PETG), or you can cough up the 11 bucks per mold from the site linked below, which is worth a read in its own to give you the gist of the process. I'm sure a cursory search of Amazon would result in some good options as well.
You've got to pick the small watermelons to pull off the mold trick, so I assume you're going to want to go with a smaller breed of pumpkin on this as well.
Pumpkin mold link:
Edit: Did I forget to mention these things are quite valuable at farmers markets and other crunchy locations? Never hurts to have a couple spare to finance the project.
