Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental

[Pig Cups]

When Jack dies, they’re going to need a forklift to carry his XL coffin out the church.

This reminds me of the time when I attended the funeral of a distant family associate. He was a great guy, sure, just morbidly obese. Like, the level of morbid obesity that Chris Farley’s dad fit into.


It was a traditional church service, and I remember the pallbearers rolling the coffin into the sanctuary on what was essentially a low profile gurney, since there was no way in hell any of them could have lifted it up. I could see the same being done for Jack, though cremation would be a more cost-effective option for the increasingly cash-strapped Scalfanis.

 

[Kuritan Deplorable]

He was a great guy, sure, just morbidly obese. Like, the level of morbid obesity that Chris Farley’s dad fit into.

Jesus Christ, his Waist became a Was'd.

though cremation would be a more cost-effective option for the increasingly cash-strapped Scalfanis.

I'm not so sure - I thought that an obese cremation was more expensive, extra handling costs, the extra energy involved in it, and the lack of crematoriums that can handle oversized corpses.

That being said, I doubt cost is going to be a problem. Tammy can liquidate the smoker graveyard for scrap value at a minimum, and if somehow thats not viable, she can just use them to deal with Jacks mortal remains. A viking funeral fit for a Scalfani.

 

[Aunt Carol]

I could see the same being done for Jack, though cremation would be a more cost-effective option for the increasingly cash-strapped Scalfanis.

This fired off a synapse: you know how Jack likes a free lunch, and fell for some timeshares somehow? I'm surprised he hasn't gotten come-ons from the Neptune Society.

I know some women of a certain age, and they get a ton of those mail marketing invitations to bring a friend, get a free meal and listen to a presentation about timeshares/retirement investing... and corpse disposal, apparently. My mom was the plus-one to her friend listening to the Neptune Society guy give his sales pitch about prepaid multistate cremation. A few months later, when Mom got her own invitation, she invited the same friend as her guest this time--they'd liked the restaurant.

Maybe you have to be 65 to get on those lists; it's easy to forget Jack isn't very old, chronologically.

 

[Falcon Sebben]

I went to check out the recorded stream, and this is what you're greeted with directly after pressing play:

View attachment 5504129

That does NOT sound healthy.

Sounds like an elderly person with a smoking cough waking up from a nap.

Why does God hate us?

It's because Jagoff Scalfatty has legit fans. God is keeping him alive just to spite us.

Came to a disturbing realization concerning that party salad today. The reason it uses lime Jello isn't a flavor thing, it's a retarded substitution "his aunt" did because celery flavor Jello was discontinued and Jack in a fat aunt suit she was too lazy to use celery juice and plain gelatin or was too autistic about needing the extra green coloring in it. Now I wonder how it fares with celery flavored gelatin instead, still a horrible cheese jelly mess but it probably tastes far better.

Could be... but why then the Cool Whip? If they wanted something to make it lighter then plain whipped cream folded into the mixture would do that as would beaten egg whites. Cool Whip makes it sweet.

My guess is that this is one of those depression era foods that was used originally to stretch a dollar and Aunt Myrna just tweaked it to turn it into a dessert.

I could see the same being done for Jack, though cremation would be a more cost-effective option for the increasingly cash-strapped Scalfanis.

So they'll just burn the house he's in like they did in "What's Eating Gilbert Grape?". Works for me.

 

[AnOminous]

That does NOT sound healthy.

Sounds like an elderly person with a smoking cough waking up from a nap.

He probably has edema on his lungs. No idea which organ is failing but one of them is eventually going out with a bang.

 

[LordofCringe7206 Vol. 2]

I'm not so sure - I thought that an obese cremation was more expensive, extra handling costs, the extra energy involved in it, and the lack of crematoriums that can handle oversized corpses.

That being said, I doubt cost is going to be a problem. Tammy can liquidate the smoker graveyard for scrap value at a minimum, and if somehow thats not viable, she can just use them to deal with Jacks mortal remains. A viking funeral fit for a Scalfani.

Cremating is actually not an ideal option for an obese person because obese corpses have a well-documented history of setting crematoriums on fire because the excessive amount of body fat that is present creates numerous problems with the cremation process.

 

[Whaler]

He probably has edema on his lungs. No idea which organ is failing but one of them is eventually going out with a bang.

Probably a cardiac cough from the sounds of it, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say he's probably developing CHF if he doesn't already have it.

 

[Falcon Sebben]

Cremating is actually not an ideal option for an obese person because obese corpses have a well-documented history of setting crematoriums on fire because the excessive amount of body fat that is present creates numerous problems with the cremation process.

This is why some places are undergoing changes to make it possible to burn these fat corpses. I mean hell. The funeral industry is all about money.

Why do you think they sell such comfortable and expensive looking coffins that will literally just be burned up? It's a way for the bereaved to feel like they're doing something good for the dead person and as a way to maybe make up for some of the shit they pulled when the corpse was still alive.

Probably a cardiac cough from the sounds of it, I'm going to take a stab in the dark and say he's probably developing CHF if he doesn't already have it.

I think that's a pretty safe bet.

 

[Blobby's Murder Knife]

Cremating is actually not an ideal option for an obese person because obese corpses have a well-documented history of setting crematoriums on fire because the excessive amount of body fat that is present creates numerous problems with the cremation process.

I thought they just dismembered them now and did it in sections.

 

[Sexy Peach Emoji]

View attachment 5496032

My only quibble is lack of mustard.

 

[Agamemnon Busmalis]

You misunderstand, God loves you so much He's giving an example of what happens if you abandon Him.

Jack's existence really is a timeless moral parable. There has never been a culture anywhere in the world at any time that would consider his combination of self-destructive gluttony, sloth and ignorance morally acceptable.

 

[Tiresome]

Jack's existence really is a timeless moral parable. There has never been a culture anywhere in the world at any time that would consider his combination of self-destructive gluttony, sloth and ignorance morally acceptable.

Except modern-day America.

 

[Sexy Peach Emoji]

He probably has edema on his lungs. No idea which organ is failing but one of them is eventually going out with a bang.

Which of his organs isn't failing?

 

[Kuritan Deplorable]

Which of his organs isn't failing?

His stomach is probably superhuman at this point to withstand the incredible pressures he puts upon it, inside and out.

 

[Agamemnon Busmalis]

His stomach is probably superhuman at this point to withstand the incredible pressures he puts upon it, inside and out.

With how much he's burping, coughing and grunting, his stomach acid is likely eating his esophagus away every time it refluxes from more gud fud.

 

[Uber driver reviewer]

I thought they just dismembered them now and did it in sections.

They have a new method that is half autoclav and half pressure cooker that basically renders you into broth. Which is then dehydrated and crushed.

It would be poetic justice for Jack’s corpse to be dealt with in an array of kidgin gadgets. Just don’t use an air fryer, he hates those

 

[Hungry Homeless Handjob]

They have a new method that is half autoclav and half pressure cooker that basically renders you into broth. Which is then dehydrated and crushed.

So you're saying at a certain point in the dehydrating process, Jack's liquified corpse would attain the same consistency as the Best Barbeque Sauce You'll Ever Taste?

 

[Sneedmiser]

So you're saying at a certain point in the dehydrating process, Jack's liquified corpse would attain the same consistency as the Best Barbeque Sauce You'll Ever Taste?

Jack's will states that he's to be smoked and kept in a freezer until the third anniversary of his passing, whereupon he will be served in a chili to his church congregation.

 

[Lou's Sentient Backfat]

So you're saying at a certain point in the dehydrating process, Jack's liquified corpse would attain the same consistency as the Best Barbeque Sauce You'll Ever Taste?

It's how he would have wanted to have his corpse dealt with.

 

[Aunt Carol]

They have a new method that is half autoclav and half pressure cooker that basically renders you into broth. Which is then dehydrated and crushed.

Alkaline hydrolysis: it's been legal in Tennessee since 2013.

Better hope they don't pitch it to Jack as being "greener," though.