How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

[Doctor John B. Zyklon]

Society is the problem, not you.

Agreed. This can't be said enough.

I've been drinking too much lately and I'm trying to talk myself into not to drink now. Reality is just weighing too much on me tonight and I'm craving an escape. Or should I just have a small drink?

I haven't been drinking much, but these last two weeks I've been jonesing for a nightly drink or 10. It really does make falling asleep nice. A little pick me up before bed.
I say resist, it's far too easy to wade back into that water.

 

[CoolFool]

I'm doing a bit better today. I wrote a list of truths to help me feel okay to look at next to my monitor so I can study without falling into the hole of sadness repeatedly. I know he is coming home again, he could perceive me and felt comforted while sedated before he left so he had at least 5 or 10 minutes of pure peace, love, and affection right until he faded. He felt loved, safe, and comfortable. I'm glad I could do that for him. He didn't suffer his body breaking down significantly, and I'm grateful for that.

I'm breaking down tasks into small ones so I can methodically tackle this assignment without being overwhelmed. It's a big one, it's complicated, but I will keep going, and when my boy is home he will be safe with me forever. I work until then.

Thank you to everyone for your kindness. It's really helped me.

Spoiler: see you soon, buddy

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What a cutie Thanks for sharing, and I'm glad you're doing better today. Hang in there.

 

[Triple Flutz]

I've been drinking too much lately and I'm trying to talk myself into not to drink now. Reality is just weighing too much on me tonight and I'm craving an escape. Or should I just have a small drink?

Maybe it's because I've been around a lot of lawyers and a lot of suburban mothers, but I tend to see a lot of people who self-medicate, from the ''omg, kids and husbands, right????? bring the wine!'' kind to the ''this is a specific high-stress moment of my life and I'll just stop my whisky habit when it's over'' kind that constantly finds another way to justify taking up the habit again after a short break, but I think that if you're noticing this pattern in your life and you're talking yourself down from it, you realize that it's not a good path to go down, and I'd listen to that voice before you drown him out.
No judgement if you don't, though, and there's of course the possibility that this will just be a phase and you'll pick yourself right up, just sharing my perspective. I just think a lot of people squander a lot that they don't know they had until they lose it to the bottle, whether it be their looks, their capacity to care for anything other than drinking, or the potential to form a cogent thought. Just watch yourself and listen to what your inner dialogue tells you, and to the people you like to have around you if they bring it up.

 

[Betonhaus]

I think i overdid things as my ankle hurts when i try to walk on it. I need to use the crutches again now, but I was just so happy to be walking and dealing with all the messes i was surrounded in.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Today was interesting.
Today I just had a moment where I was downright exhausted, despite not working the past couple of days.
I think that's what happens when you work an exhausting job, have constant rumination and get shit sleep for multiple years.
I went out and ate some shitty tacos, tried to write, didn't... and just got home and laid in bed.
I'm not usually the "too depressed to get up" type but it's been more of a thing lately.
I think today though the one good thing is I didn't have that overly critical voice telling me to be more productive.
Sometimes life just catches up with you and you need to lay your ass down for a while.

I think it all makes sense considering we're entering into the first day of the last month of the year. That's always the hardest time for me.
The anniversary of the day I came very close to dying is coming up. Even now, I don't know if it was a good thing I survived.
So it's all hitting a lot harder right now.
On the other hand though, I think I've done pretty damn well this year.
I've let people go that were abusive to me. I've written more, gotten more social, touched some grass and generally tried to do things I've wanted for a while.
This year I have a couple definite set goals I'm going to do my best to achieve.

I'm also at the point where I think I might need medication soon. As much as most SSRIs are a cope, there are definite things that are more a byproduct of the way my mind works that have hampered me, despite my best intentions. I have obvious reasons to be depressed as do most people, but when you don't even have the will to do anything because you've rationalized your way out of making any move in life because... "of course why make any move" (and even worse when your brain can use actual logic and real-life examples as ammunition for why life is objectively awful and not worth partaking in)... when you probably need some happy pills.
The sad thing is I'm not retarded, but being "right" only helps so much. Sure, the religious people or normies who watch TikTok I look down on might not be able to process reality, but at a certain point, maybe the logical man could use a bit of retardation, if only as a survival mechanism. If being "right" ends with you attempting suicide every year and curling into a ball every now and then, you're officially the smartest man in the asylum.

I’ve been thinking about taking overseas trips next year because I have visions of me thinking that I won’t live in the USA anymore. Not going to TMI here, but it’s been happening a lot as of late.

Same here man. One of my biggest goals the next year is trying everything I can to get overseas, or at the very least, get into a field where I can make enough money or have the ability to leave. People can shit on that or call people weebs, but at the end of the day I want a change of scenery. And no, it's not because I like my animu or anything like that. Americans are just really exhausting. Being enough of a sociopath so you can start making enough money so you can wave your dick at people and get shit you don't need so you can distract yourself from the hollow life you lead while your fellow man starves around you doesn't sound that enticing to me, even as someone who likes money. And I just want a place where the things I want in life and value are more available. Where that is, I don't know. But it's okay to want to find a place to stake your claim and start up a new life. That's what this country was originally was built on.

I've been drinking too much lately and I'm trying to talk myself into not to drink now. Reality is just weighing too much on me tonight and I'm craving an escape. Or should I just have a small drink?

Dude, have a drink. Just don't do it everyday. I got drunk last night and it was the happiest I've been in a while. I know the popular thing now is to say alcoholism is the equivalent of the Gulag in terms of the human vices. Some people will just never understand that if you have a certain wiring/way of feeling things that alcohol is the closest thing to a legal remedy. I have a very unpopular lax view on drinking simply because it's been there for me at my lowest times, which have been a lot over the last couple of years. I'm not saying it doesn't have obvious drawbacks but sometimes life beats you down so much it's the one thing you've got. Just don't be the guy sitting in a chair drinking while doing nothing nothing else. Maybe it's horrible advice but I can't in all sincerity say drinking has never helped me.

Thank you to everyone for your kindness. It's really helped me.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My condolences. I'm not good at saying things when people lose loved ones but I hope you're okay throughout all of this.

One more thing, I think right now I'm experiencing sort of a crisis of wondering how I should be tackling life.

On one hand, I grew up in an age where every film or mentor essentially said "Screw it all, follow your dreams, do everything NOW!"
On the other, I'm noticing how a lot of things in life even decades back were never actually like that.

I really like going off the cuff and living my life on my own terms, living in the moment.
But there's been a lot of things I could have had sooner if I just stuck with uncomfortable, long term monotonous discipline.
I could have saved a ridiculous amount of money right now if I didn't think every day was going to be my last day. I could have gotten a decent job or been living a lot nicer if I went with more boring, painful options. The problem is most people never get out of that "grind" and continue to live boring lives forever, when they don't have to.

And this whole time, if I'm being honest with myself, the only reason I lived that stupid "yolo" shit was because I never wanted to live that much longer anyways.
So I'm at a point where I'm realizing basically most of the things that were taught to me and my generation were fucking retarded. And I was retarded for not taking in some of the wisdom with any nuance or parsing it out.
I don't want to end up a drone not enjoying anything in life. But a lot of things in life are going to take a lot of time. And sometimes you have to go periods of very boring, hard, laborious bullshit before you can enjoy anything properly.
So this next year I'm going to:
try college
look at options for moving out of the country
try to get an offical "realboi" job that helps me have some money and time to put into my future (but one that isn't gay and will make me want to kill myself)
All these things are going to take a lot of time, but if I'm dedicated enough to them and have some discipline and drive, I'll get them eventually. Life just might be boring and gay for a little bit. Oh well.
At least I know what I want to do now instead of spending every night doomposting or feeling like I'm a failure for not taking on the world in my mid20s. Better late than never I guess.

 

[Harbinger of Kali Yuga]

One more thing, I think right now I'm experiencing sort of a crisis of wondering how I should be tackling life.

I'd say put your nose to the grindstone for a few years, live frugally, then have a big chunk of change to set to whatever with.

Why do you want to go to college, specifically? Have you thought long and hard on whether it's necessary for what you want to do? College is, for many people, a scam.

Dude, have a drink. Just don't do it everyday. I got drunk last night and it was the happiest I've been in a while. I know the popular thing now is to say alcoholism is the equivalent of the Gulag in terms of the human vices. Some people will just never understand that if you have a certain wiring/way of feeling things that alcohol is the closest thing to a legal remedy. I have a very unpopular lax view on drinking simply because it's been there for me at my lowest times, which have been a lot over the last couple of years. I'm not saying it doesn't have obvious drawbacks but sometimes life beats you down so much it's the one thing you've got. Just don't be the guy sitting in a chair drinking while doing nothing nothing else. Maybe it's horrible advice but I can't in all sincerity say drinking has never helped me.

I don't drink all that much, it's an on-and-off thing too; lately has been a bit too much and this time too long. And I get too goofy anyway, I'm not used to feeling happy or content and it makes me weird.

edit: I had a small drink

 

[Doctor John B. Zyklon]

It's fucking bizarre to see how my music taste has changed this year. I wonder if it's just the easiest / most outwardly showing of my wondering who I am now, what I need to be, want of change, etc.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

Why do you want to go to college, specifically? Have you thought long and hard on whether it's necessary for what you want to do? College is, for many people, a scam.

Film school. Or something that I can use to transfer out of the country.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING but before you start Reeeeing on me.

I get that film school is largely a scam. But I also think it's disingenuous to say it's useless anymore.
"Go make your own films by yourself" just seems like cope.
While I'd love to start making films without having to learn about the male gaze or pay 20,000 to deal with faggots all day, all of the best filmmakers from the past 20 years HAVE gone to film school at some point. I've looked it over multiple times.
So while film school is largely useless, those that are the outliers seem to be the ones making the stuff with the most amount of value right now.
I need people and equipment to make films with. I can't do that being a poorfag working menial jobs asking random people around who have no interest in making anything.

That and also I just kind of want some community. I know a lot of college kids are not my type but I also know my favorite people I've met (even the more conservative ones) HAVE gone to college and haven't regretted it.
It might be a scam but just working without any connections to anyone my age doing shit I don't want to do kind of seems a little soul crushing anymore.

Worse comes to worst I can just get a trade job after college and pay it off in a couple of years. But I'm at the point where I want to do something different for once. And just floating around from job to job isn't my thing anymore. Something I can actually work towards that I can say I achieved would probably help me a lot with my general self-confidence.

 

[Harbinger of Kali Yuga]

The important thing about college isn't what you learn, it's who you schmooze with. Everything is all about connections.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

The important thing about college isn't what you learn, it's who you schmooze with. Everything is all about connections.

Yeah, I'm not doing any """networking""" type shit. I think I'll find out by the end of college if film is something I want to do. I just kind of want to make friends, make a couple decent thesis films/shorts that I can show to people for financing, and hopefully get my dick wet a bit. I'm not playing 5D chess with people. I just kind of want to build a good team of people interested in doing the same things.

 

[Triple Flutz]

Yeah, I'm not doing any """networking""" type shit. I think I'll find out by the end of college if film is something I want to do. I just kind of want to make friends, make a couple decent thesis films/shorts that I can show to people for financing, and hopefully get my dick wet a bit. I'm not playing 5D chess with people. I just kind of want to build a good team of people interested in doing the same things.

If this ends up being out of reach for a reason or another, I recommend the safer route of looking up what clubs are offered at the colleges/universities you're interested in if you are willing to commit to a second go at school to start with. I know mine had a film club, mostly free to anyone who was interested (You paid a membership due, to the tune of like $20 a month.) as long as they were a current student regardless of major, and they met up weekly to form groups or not, and the equipment was securely lent to them. A few prior friends have broken out and are currently directing and producing for a living, and many are working in the industry in some other capacity, and I can only think of two who majored in film to start with.
Hell, someone I went to law school with decided they hated being a lawyer and became a doctor, lmfao. I know someone who did the opposite as well. If you don't have kids who rely on you for subsistence, it's okay to consider it.

My throat feels like it's coated in fiberglass still, everything sucks, it's probably strep which I've somehow never contracted before since it's going around right now, but on all levels except physical, I am doing great.

 

[(((I am NOT a jew)))]

If this ends up being out of reach for a reason or another, I recommend the safer route of looking up what clubs are offered at the colleges/universities you're interested in if you are willing to commit to a second go at school to start with. I know mine had a film club, mostly free to anyone who was interested (You paid a membership due, to the tune of like $20 a month.) as long as they were a current student regardless of major, and they met up weekly to form groups or not, and the equipment was securely lent to them. A few prior friends have broken out and are currently directing and producing for a living, and many are working in the industry in some other capacity, and I can only think of two who majored in film to start with.
Hell, someone I went to law school with decided they hated being a lawyer and became a doctor, lmfao. I know someone who did the opposite as well. If you don't have kids who rely on you for subsistence, it's okay to consider it.

My throat feels like it's coated in fiberglass still, everything sucks, it's probably strep which I've somehow never contracted before since it's going around right now, but on all levels except physical, I am doing great.

THANK YOU!
I didn't even think about that. I'm unironically thinking of starting up my own film society when I move to the city. It seems like I may be out of my depth but it's worth a try. A decade from now if for some reason I'm still in the country I want to have my own personal film events where I project movies on my lawn for a community experience. Just showing old grindhouse films or classic films. If I can make an actual theater or fund a literal drive-in, that would be even better.
That's awesome about your friends. I get discouraged because filmmaking seems to be in such a rut right now, especially in America, that I wonder if anyone can actually make it. I have so many things I want to do in life and feel discouraged. But if there are people actually directing and producing shit, that's a good sign to me.
So you had to be IN the school though to use the clubs right?
Also, glad you're feeling better.

 

[twisted cycle path]

I've been drinking too much lately and I'm trying to talk myself into not to drink now. Reality is just weighing too much on me tonight and I'm craving an escape. Or should I just have a small drink?

I had a moment like that earlier this year. I set an arbitrary date a few months in the future and just said I wouldn't do it until that day has passed. Broke it for cinco de mayo but otherwise I stuck it through and since then I noticed I don't feel the need to drink nearly as much. I don't think drinking to cope with actute stress is really a such a bad thing though.

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

Im now out of NNN and honestly, I'm not sure why people do it. I feel like it just made me hornier. I actually dropped out a couple days early after some tarot readings told me it was cool and now I'm just focused on cleaning and working out. I want to be buff again when spring comes.

 

[Ewan McGregor]

Im now out of NNN and honestly, I'm not sure why people do it. I feel like it just made me hornier. I actually dropped out a couple days early after some tarot readings told me it was cool and now I'm just focused on cleaning and working out. I want to be buff again when spring comes.

I tried NoFap once and the only superpower I got was becoming a slut.

Never again.

 

[Yamamura]

I was watching an episode of Malcom in the Middle where the family joins a church and remember when Dewey was talking to the nun about God. Basically he said how he thinks of God like a kid with a hose over an ant hill and on a whim could destroy the ants world.

It got me thinking about greater forces outside of our comprehension. What if one day you mysteriously started to feel the fluids in your body start boiling and organs start rupturing inside you. It feels like you're being microwaved from the inside. At first you have no idea what's going on. Is it Elon Musk? Is it a government agency trying to get rid of you? What did you do to deserve this? When essentially you were a bug being burned by a kid with a magnifying glass. You were existing one day doing nothing out of the ordinary when suddenly an outside force greater than you decided your time was up on a whim. Maybe the force isn't even malice but just its own morbid curiosity. Perhaps that force doesn't even hate you, but it just wanted to see what would happen.

 

[Shadfan666xxx000]

I tried NoFap once and the only superpower I got was becoming a slut.

Never again.

I mean that's kind of what I aimed for in the first place but I thought I'd be a super slut or something. Like a diet spiderman.

 

[Kilo Riley]

My apartment just about half-flooded this morning. My partner wanted to clean it up but I insisted, so I've been on hand and knee all morning scrubbing up dirty water from the floors and peeling up old laminate with the shop-vac. My knees and elbows hurt like a mf but she insisted that I lay down and she make me lunch. It's nice to have someone in my life who appreciates the work I put in for a change. I feel special.

 

[Ewan McGregor]

I was watching an episode of Malcom in the Middle where the family joins a church and remember when Dewey was talking to the nun about God. Basically he said how he thinks of God like a kid with a hose over an ant hill and on a whim could destroy the ants world.

Classic episode

 

[Blamo2000]

Oh boy, it's weekend again soon. Two days of dread because Monday is coming. Not enough time to wind down, but more than enough time to realize you are fucked.

Meh.