Wallace
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2015


I wake up in a good mood, having slept better than I have in probably my whole life. If I have to boy mode, I make sure to wear something feminine that makes me happy; I just got some super cute undies that don’t totally fit but work well enough (the boy shorts I got are VERY pink). Being out in public, even covertly, is still scary but I’m taking it slow.
I’ll spend the rest of the morning doing my thing, and the first dip will happen. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and intrusive thoughts (Zoloft and CBT help) and these new ones focus on how I’m not valid, not a real woman, I’m not even trans, I’m just looking for identity, community, etc. I can usually logic out of this, and have a pretty good rest of the day.
Then at night, the doubt and negativity comes back full force. I’ve started journaling, which I think will help. And I know it’s normal, from what I’ve seen others speak to. I know logically, what this is, but it’s still tough. Just wondering if anyone else deals with this and maybe how they cope. I’m still new to this, maybe it just gets better with time.
Those “I’m not actually trans” thoughts can be the worst. Of course you’re looking for community. You’re a human being. You NEED community. If you weren’t trans, you would find community elsewhere.
My most reason one is basically this: I’m not actually trans. I’m just a leftist that sees this country marching towards fascism, and I’m just doing this so I won’t be able to chicken out when stuff gets real bad.
It’s ridiculous on its face but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it emotionally. I haven’t found a good solution yet though.
I’ll spend the rest of the morning doing my thing, and the first dip will happen. I’ve always struggled with anxiety and intrusive thoughts (Zoloft and CBT help) and these new ones focus on how I’m not valid, not a real woman, I’m not even trans, I’m just looking for identity, community, etc. I can usually logic out of this, and have a pretty good rest of the day.
Then at night, the doubt and negativity comes back full force. I’ve started journaling, which I think will help. And I know it’s normal, from what I’ve seen others speak to. I know logically, what this is, but it’s still tough. Just wondering if anyone else deals with this and maybe how they cope. I’m still new to this, maybe it just gets better with time.
Those “I’m not actually trans” thoughts can be the worst. Of course you’re looking for community. You’re a human being. You NEED community. If you weren’t trans, you would find community elsewhere.
My most reason one is basically this: I’m not actually trans. I’m just a leftist that sees this country marching towards fascism, and I’m just doing this so I won’t be able to chicken out when stuff gets real bad.
It’s ridiculous on its face but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it emotionally. I haven’t found a good solution yet though.
Believe in my fantasies, even when I can’t. Pretend you’re not pretending, so I can pretend I’m not pretending. Admire the weave of my beautiful robes, even when I’m standing stark naked in the public square.