Probably why nobody will ever love me since I'm such a black hole of dark energy, negativity, pessimism and sheer self-loathing. I don't laugh or smile in life. Except at Lolcow documentaries or being drunk/high.
This is easier and cheaper to fix than your hair. The thing that comes through most strongly in your posts is that you don't like yourself very much, and nothing anyone says here is going to change your mind. Cut yourself a little slack; you seem thoughtful and introspective, and sometimes being wired that way makes it hard to get out of your own head, but I promise that if you start treating yourself with compassion, that self-loathing will abate.
I'm a negative asshole myself - in fact, a friend told me years ago that I'm the "most negative person [he] has ever met" - but you have to find a way to stop wallowing. Male or female, no one wants to be around someone who hates himself so much that he makes them feel guilty for not being miserable themselves. It's okay to have a dry or offbeat sense of humor that most people don't "get", and it's also okay to be serious most of the time, but you need to find a reason to love yourself. Nobody here can tell you what that reason is or convince you to change how you think about yourself; you need to do it on your own.
For me, it really helped to take time away from dating or looking for a partner in order to focus on loving myself. It sounds lame and gay, but I realized at some point in my early twenties that the reason no decent human beings wanted to be around me was that I couldn't even stand to be around myself. I don't mean that you have to change who you are to satisfy other people, but you need to embrace the traits that make you different. Being comfortable in your own skin will go a long way towards convincing others that you're a worthy person to have in their lives.
Eh, of course personality/compatibility matters most, but that's really a different question.
Of course. I just meant that to the right person, it's not going to matter how much hair he has. For me, the thing that's unattractive isn't baldness, it's insecurity about baldness. All of the comb overs and hair transplants might make a dude look like he has more hair, but it doesn't ultimately fix the self-loathing, which is far more unattractive than being bald.