- Joined
- Mar 30, 2023
same, my partner is going to run out of money in three months while he's at school so I really need to figure something out this week. My leg is pretty much healed but I do have a limp and stiffness that I'm working on slowly.
How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check
- Thread starter Milk Mage
- Start date
Second Sun
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2021
I feel better for being back at work. I'm not lazy or incompetent in my professional life, don't know why I'm so rubbish at a personal life.
(((I am NOT a jew)))
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2022
Thanks for the kind words, guys.
I just wrote out another long gay emo rant but each time I try to make it less faggot-y I just find myself cringing, so I'll spare everyone the existential rant and try to keep it concise.
I guess if I could narrow it all down to one thing, I just feel unfulfilled. And I don't know if I can specifically do the one or two things that would clear that itch. I'm the kind of guy that always feels like time is being wasted. The last time I felt like I accomplished anything was when I went skydiving and then still did a bunch of shit later all in the same day.
That's the shitty thing about the world. It's not really that it's all bad. It's that there's so much cool shit and not nearly enough time to do it.
I can say it's all "the general state of the world" or "I got no pussy" or a billion other of the tropes. But the truth is...
I want to do some amazing things in life. But I feel like I missed my chance, especially when it comes to artistic endeavors and relationships. The scary joke is that feeling isn't exactly wrong when you look at the data. But it also is a self-fulfilling prophecy because I'm of course now still wasting time by thinking of wasting time.
As cringe and weeabo as it sounds, sometimes I really wish I was born in a different country, if only because some of them are hitting their creative peaks as we speak as my nation is mostly shitting out ads, content and cancer on the daily. I don't see any way I could realistically do anything of artistic value in this country as it stands now.
So that's really it. I want to write/make some amazing stories. But I'm frozen in fear of taking the next step.
And in a way, that shit hits way harder than anything else other than maybe family stuff in my life. I could deal with being a wizard if I ended up making a comic book or film that some people really enjoyed.
That's why I think suicide makes sense to a lot of younger people. You don't want to wake up one day in your fifties and realize you did nothing that you really wanted to and know it's mostly your fault, even if the world kind of made it easy to get into that helpless feeling.
I don't know if things will ever get better, but I appreciate the kindness.
I love that.
"Let me spare you guys this existential bullshit."
Some paragraphs later
I just wrote out another long gay emo rant but each time I try to make it less faggot-y I just find myself cringing, so I'll spare everyone the existential rant and try to keep it concise.
I guess if I could narrow it all down to one thing, I just feel unfulfilled. And I don't know if I can specifically do the one or two things that would clear that itch. I'm the kind of guy that always feels like time is being wasted. The last time I felt like I accomplished anything was when I went skydiving and then still did a bunch of shit later all in the same day.
That's the shitty thing about the world. It's not really that it's all bad. It's that there's so much cool shit and not nearly enough time to do it.
I can say it's all "the general state of the world" or "I got no pussy" or a billion other of the tropes. But the truth is...
I want to do some amazing things in life. But I feel like I missed my chance, especially when it comes to artistic endeavors and relationships. The scary joke is that feeling isn't exactly wrong when you look at the data. But it also is a self-fulfilling prophecy because I'm of course now still wasting time by thinking of wasting time.
As cringe and weeabo as it sounds, sometimes I really wish I was born in a different country, if only because some of them are hitting their creative peaks as we speak as my nation is mostly shitting out ads, content and cancer on the daily. I don't see any way I could realistically do anything of artistic value in this country as it stands now.
So that's really it. I want to write/make some amazing stories. But I'm frozen in fear of taking the next step.
And in a way, that shit hits way harder than anything else other than maybe family stuff in my life. I could deal with being a wizard if I ended up making a comic book or film that some people really enjoyed.
That's why I think suicide makes sense to a lot of younger people. You don't want to wake up one day in your fifties and realize you did nothing that you really wanted to and know it's mostly your fault, even if the world kind of made it easy to get into that helpless feeling.
I don't know if things will ever get better, but I appreciate the kindness.
I love that.
"Let me spare you guys this existential bullshit."
Some paragraphs later
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2023
Oh I got blessed man, a month after I was fired I landed a gig near the place I worked. Got a 22k raise, and every other weekend is a 3 day weekend. It wrecked my financials that I'm still recovering from (made some investments right before getting axed...) but all in good time. Just hold yourself together for a bit to not get canned and you'll be golden.
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2021
Not great my friends. Not great at all. My head hurts and all I want is to sleep. It's a weird zone of odd dreams that are somewhat enjoyable despite most of them being nightmares'. Wife is sick and woke me up to make sure I'm miserable too. I refuse to be sick on sheer will power (can feel it however, tomorrow is gonna suck). My head hurts nd I just want a solid nights sleep. bye for now
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2022
I'm the same way; I don't feel at ease unless I'm doing something. As best I can tell in my case it stems from anxiety/hypervigilance from growing up in a violent environment. I always feel anxious and alert, and when I'm doing nothing that feels discordant, but when I occupy myself with something, the exact same anxiety feels appropriate. Realizing that has helped me work on it. Don't know if that's the case for you but it's worth examining.
Well first of all stop wanting that. If you try to climb a mountain while looking at the peak you'll fall flat on your face. You get there by looking at what's in front of you. Care less about being a writer and care more about writing.
(((I am NOT a jew)))
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2022
Jesus christ that sounds familiar. Yeah, I'm pretty sure it has a good deal to do with my upbringing and just general timeline. I think I'm one of those cases where I have extreme anxiety, but it's warranted half the time. I haven't had many times in my life where I could truly chill. But it is also just this unbearable feeling that I'm using dead time wrongly.
I think people don't understand that that's what drives a lot of creative/productive types. Because it's not being "happy". I don't want to be "happy". I can be happy talking to someone I like, getting drunk and seeing a new place.
I just have this unbearable nagging that I should always be writing/working on projects. But then when I get around to it, I feel this immediate sense of dread and fear. Some of it's just anxiety about the usual stuff nowadays like getting cancelled, ect. But I think the major thing is I have no idea how to make something materialize or I feel like it never will. I see a bunch of people in film right now and they're all plants or trust-fund nepokids and that's just not me.
So what I'm trying to say in short is I'm kind of just a nigger.
You're right though. These issues are my own and I'm thinking about the professionalism of it instead of just doing it. I think there's nothing wrong with wanting your projects to become something whole because that means you have faith in it and you want it to become a thing that exists. But I keep forgetting that the best people in their respective field started out just out of a sheer love for doing their craft. Nobody ever said "I want to be a rock star!" and became one. They just kind of enjoyed playing music and things went from there. Sometimes I forget that the best moments of my life have come from just writing without any thought given to anything else.
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2023
Woke up and decided to sleep in; then had nothing but dreams of fighting with my ex. Brought a bit of the feels back. I got the big pay raise that I set out to get to provide for the three of us (kid), I have the housing for the three of us; and a yard to boot; with a beautiful view. But the girls I was doing it for aren't here anymore. Makes it seem all a bit hollow. It is what it is though.
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2021
I hope you got a good night's sleep and feel better today.
I saw it snow this past weekend. Unless I go far into the mountains, it will likely be the only time this year. I love snow if I don't have to drive in it. I was so happy to see it, opened up the window to film it. It was a heavy and wet snow. Just so gorgeous.
I just got back from my trip to see this guy I have been talking to and we are together now. We spent almost all of our time together just hanging out at his apartment watching stuff, talking, making meals. He ended up wanting to buy a new bed so we went to IKEA and bought one and put it together together without either of us wanting to kill each other, lol. We went grocery shopping and ran errands. My mom asked me what we did and I was like uh...not much and what we did do was informative to me and that was very cool.
After spending a lot of time traveling home just thinking, I have a resolve to get off my particular form of bullshit because I know it is bullshit what I am doing to myself. I know what I have to do and have done it before which is what makes it all so frustrating. I know better, but I don't know why I am such a retardfaggot about this particular issue at times. I can't keep it up. Got to stop.
I am currently looking for another job and hope to have one soon.
I did go to confession this morning...
This never turns out well IME for that particular job, but it could be for the best in the end if you are able to find something better. Just don't waste too much time hoping it will get better. It rarely does and is nothing but endless stress on you.
- Joined
- Jul 24, 2021
Today was better I suppose. Despite being a stubborn piece of shit - still got sick from whatever the hell she has. Sadly I'll live to see our world collapse a bit more. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday experience with whatever you believe in. Jersh/KF friends - GN
Queen of Halloween
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2024
Cadoster
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2023
- Joined
- Oct 27, 2023
Clearnet is down and I can't sleep. Sadge. Starting to regret saying I'd go into business w/ my buddy. It seems like he is nothing more than an "idea man" with little follow through. He'd still be useful but uh...the terms may need to be renegotiated.
- Joined
- Feb 23, 2021
Good luck and I hope he does understand where you are coming from. It might be enough to get him to change a bit if confronted like that. We can both hope anyway.
Wanted to slit my wrists a few times yesterday trying not to be a retardfaggot, but I managed to get through the first day yesterday. I hope today is better, but I know this whole week is going to be difficult. I have to do this though.
It was a somewhat productive day otherwise yesterday. Ran a bunch of errands, applied for some jobs, got some chores around the house done. Today is just keeping myself from being a retardfaggot on day 2 and applying for a few more jobs.
I caught the weirdest disease out traveling the past two weeks. I have a wet cough that only really bothers me if I try to laugh. If I laugh, I can go into a coughing fit where I'll start hacking up a bunch of shit. Someone said it sounded worse than they did as a 30 year smoker and I've never smoked. I don't even feel sick or anything, just it is so pointless and bizarre.
Hope you feel better soon.
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2021
To anyone who's struggling with anxiety, depression, or is simply bored and looking to try something new; I highly recommend combat sports. It doesn't really matter which one you choose, as long as the training is physically demanding and there's full contact sparring. The importance of a healthy level of violence in a man's life for his mental well-being cannot be understated.
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2022
I have such a weird mix of heavy interest and trepidation about this. I've been a pretty good striker when I've fought in my personal life, but I'm terrified of CTE. I'm intrigued by BJJ, but when I asked BJJ instructors whether I should learn BJJ or krav for a real world deescalation tactic, they said krav. So I keep telling myself I'll learn krav and then BJJ, but krav seems so un-fun that I never pursue it. Maybe this year.
Good luck quitting gooning, you can do it. Stay strong.
- Joined
- Jun 12, 2019
I owe my landlord a lot of back rent. And gotta meet with him today. Hopefully we can negotiate a payment arrangement cause I have no where else to go. I'm gonna offer a good chunk of my weekly pay each week enough to keep up with my usual rent and a little extra to go toward paying off the back rent. I'm willing to throw in my entire tax refund too if need be. Even though I don't even get the w2 to file till the end or this month.
- Joined
- Nov 18, 2020
I have a date in less than three hours. I've got a bunch of mushrooms in my bag, a shirt I don't like, and I palmed half a tube of surgical lube.
Daddy's coming home.
I feel great.
Daddy's coming home.
I feel great.
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2022
I feel like I have a lot of good things in my life but these things don't necessarily go together. An analogy, I like windy day and I like snowy days, but I do not like snowy days that are windy. That also happens to be the weather outside my window at this moment.
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2019
Fuck's sake man, I just don't know what to do. I was invited to a wedding on the same period I have a surgery scheduled. The wedding is very important to one side of the family and everyone will be going, and I can set the surgery so it happens the week after it, and even the medic says it's more convenient for him and his team, the problem is: the other side of the family HATES the one that's having the wedding, and it's trying to keep me from going because she's a manipulative piece of shit, and is trying to make me have the surgery the week BEFORE, so I'll be in recovery the day of the wedding, and she won't stop yelling at me and insulting me until I do what SHE wants, but she swears it's for my sake, because "I care so much about you, and no one cared about me, I AM HELPING YOU BE GRATEFUL". I'm seriously considering calling the surgeon and tell him to make up an excuse to not have the surgery the week before, I'M NOT MISSING AN IMPORTANT EVENT BECAUSE OF A 53 YEAR OLD ADULT HAVING A TANTRUM AND REFUSING TO MOVE ON.