- Joined
- Feb 13, 2023
When a pooner finally gets it for the first time
the pressure placed on transmen to be masculine warped my view of gender
the saddest thing about my transition was that i was slowly getting sick and tired of being treated like an ultra feminine gay man when i was not. i felt incredibly judged ALL of the time for how naturally feminine i am while passing as male. gay men treated me like a fun conquest and never a friend. i didnt fit in at any lgbt spaces as a gay transman. straight men started treating me like one of the boys and all it did was make me uncomfortable and confused. but i just couldnt admit it to myself all of these years. i spent my entire early 20s convinced by other trans people that in order to be FtM, you had to have masculine traits. the exact opposite of what the movement preaches today. i transitioned 10 years ago before the big "boom" when no one knew transmen really existed and before it was more accepted that you could be a feminine transman. so i hid my femininity for years.
i stopped wearing womens clothing at 17. i got on hormones around 19 and got top surgery at 23. sterilized permanently at 25. i was 200% sure it was what i wanted and i fought so hard for it. but now? all i wish is that someone could have been more honest with me and just admitted to myself that what i was doing was VERY EXTREME. if they did at the time, i wouldve ignored them. labeled them a bigot. kicked and screamed. why? because i was a literal child.
i was 17, i had no friends at all, at my 3rd high school in 2 years, i was depressed, anxious, self harming, and i spent all of my time online looking for somewhere to fit in. i was isolated from healthy relationships and i somehow found myself finding community online where i had no business being. i wanted so desperately to be this cool, mysterious person that i just... wasnt.
now im 28, and it took 10 years to realize i was doing the exact things that i thought i despised this entire time. i have never EVER been a stereotypical masculine person. i lived as a gay transman getting into relationships with people who turned out to be fetishists or curious gay men who threw me away when their curiosity was sated.
it took me 3 years to find any help to start hormones, and i made it my only life goal. its all i had to keep me from spiraling into my plethora of mental health issues, and i held onto it because it gave me a purpose. it literally kept me alive during a time that i just desperately wanted to be someone else no matter the COST. in reality? i was just an extremely sheltered, socially underdeveloped and immature kid who felt completely alone in the world and misunderstood. i wanted to be anyone else but me. i wanted to be attractive. i wanted to belong to a cause.
my biggest regret is choosing to do informed consent, and blindly ignoring the warnings of the doctors i saw before i had the chance. instead i labeled them as discriminatory road blocks set up by bad people when in reality, they were just trying to tell this young suicidal girl that "you dont even know who you are yet." i despereately needed therapy. real therapy. every single doctor i saw had 0 experience with transpeople. they let me guide the narrative so they wouldnt be burned at the stake and signed whatever i asked.
now i am detransitioning and living authentically. i dont have to try so hard to fit in with men i have nothing in common with. i dont have to force myself to like masculine things i dont care about in fear of being outed or harrased. it took me 9 of those years to realize why i always felt like i was holding my breath. i am now free to be myself and that 17 year old version of me finally knows who she is for the first time.
TL;DR
therapy is CRUCIAL to those facing gender dysphoria. access to these medical inferventions has to be taken more seriously... i should have never had access to HRT given my medical issues. and it makes me sad knowing more young adults might face that moment of absolute terror i had 5 months ago recognizing and finally accepting that i may have made a mistake. for anyone else going through this, forgive yourself. you deserve to start over again authentically.
the saddest thing about my transition was that i was slowly getting sick and tired of being treated like an ultra feminine gay man when i was not. i felt incredibly judged ALL of the time for how naturally feminine i am while passing as male. gay men treated me like a fun conquest and never a friend. i didnt fit in at any lgbt spaces as a gay transman. straight men started treating me like one of the boys and all it did was make me uncomfortable and confused. but i just couldnt admit it to myself all of these years. i spent my entire early 20s convinced by other trans people that in order to be FtM, you had to have masculine traits. the exact opposite of what the movement preaches today. i transitioned 10 years ago before the big "boom" when no one knew transmen really existed and before it was more accepted that you could be a feminine transman. so i hid my femininity for years.
i stopped wearing womens clothing at 17. i got on hormones around 19 and got top surgery at 23. sterilized permanently at 25. i was 200% sure it was what i wanted and i fought so hard for it. but now? all i wish is that someone could have been more honest with me and just admitted to myself that what i was doing was VERY EXTREME. if they did at the time, i wouldve ignored them. labeled them a bigot. kicked and screamed. why? because i was a literal child.
i was 17, i had no friends at all, at my 3rd high school in 2 years, i was depressed, anxious, self harming, and i spent all of my time online looking for somewhere to fit in. i was isolated from healthy relationships and i somehow found myself finding community online where i had no business being. i wanted so desperately to be this cool, mysterious person that i just... wasnt.
now im 28, and it took 10 years to realize i was doing the exact things that i thought i despised this entire time. i have never EVER been a stereotypical masculine person. i lived as a gay transman getting into relationships with people who turned out to be fetishists or curious gay men who threw me away when their curiosity was sated.
it took me 3 years to find any help to start hormones, and i made it my only life goal. its all i had to keep me from spiraling into my plethora of mental health issues, and i held onto it because it gave me a purpose. it literally kept me alive during a time that i just desperately wanted to be someone else no matter the COST. in reality? i was just an extremely sheltered, socially underdeveloped and immature kid who felt completely alone in the world and misunderstood. i wanted to be anyone else but me. i wanted to be attractive. i wanted to belong to a cause.
my biggest regret is choosing to do informed consent, and blindly ignoring the warnings of the doctors i saw before i had the chance. instead i labeled them as discriminatory road blocks set up by bad people when in reality, they were just trying to tell this young suicidal girl that "you dont even know who you are yet." i despereately needed therapy. real therapy. every single doctor i saw had 0 experience with transpeople. they let me guide the narrative so they wouldnt be burned at the stake and signed whatever i asked.
now i am detransitioning and living authentically. i dont have to try so hard to fit in with men i have nothing in common with. i dont have to force myself to like masculine things i dont care about in fear of being outed or harrased. it took me 9 of those years to realize why i always felt like i was holding my breath. i am now free to be myself and that 17 year old version of me finally knows who she is for the first time.
TL;DR
therapy is CRUCIAL to those facing gender dysphoria. access to these medical inferventions has to be taken more seriously... i should have never had access to HRT given my medical issues. and it makes me sad knowing more young adults might face that moment of absolute terror i had 5 months ago recognizing and finally accepting that i may have made a mistake. for anyone else going through this, forgive yourself. you deserve to start over again authentically.
Last edited:
