Living with autistic people is really starting to get to me. If I disagree with anything or point out a flaw in logic, I'm the "aggressive" one. God forbid that I try to explain that they said something so poorly that it sounds retarded. Holy shit, I'm redoing my financial timeline to get out of this place and into my own. Moving here was a mistake.
BUT, this is not about me. I'm telling YOU that you should absolutely have whatever surgery/treatment you need as soon as it can be arranged, because it's only going to get worse and more painful until it's fixed.
I've been lucky that my primary care doc has been aggressive about getting this taken care of. I haven't had to jump through a million hoops. With everything that the radiologist saw on the MRI, I'm expecting to need a total knee replacement. Several family members have had this done so I'm familiar with it. I'm not looking forward to surgery but I'll be glad to not be in pain all the time.
Living with autistic people is really starting to get to me. If I disagree with anything or point out a flaw in logic, I'm the "aggressive" one. God forbid that I try to explain that they said something so poorly that it sounds retarded. Holy shit, I'm redoing my financial timeline to get out of this place and into my own. Moving here was a mistake.
Careful with suicidal thoughts tho. It might seem like not a big deal right now, but people pretty regularly speedrun the steps between "I could kill myself but I won't" and "I'm throwing myself in front of a train". It's like there's this slow buildup to the initial suicidal thoughts, you'll stay there for years and then a few bad days will immediately shoot you right to the end of the line.
^This.
It's hit me more recently how fast I go to "maybe I should go to the gunshop" with more frequency any more even if objectively a recent span of time has been mostly objectively good. Other most significant issue with suicide ideation is that it has a stagnation effect.
"I could do things that would be good for me right now. But fuck that, the world is a dystopia, I've lost too much time in the day/week/life already so why bother, and I was planning to kill myself this Tuesday so I should stick to the plan."
The joke is most of the time it's a flat out lie that people aren't in their right state of mind when they're depressed or thinking illogically. My most pragmatic and honest thoughts are when I want to eat a bullet, and I doubt I'm the exception.
The problem isn't that depression is "wrong", it's just that annoyingly blunt friend that think has no regard for anyone's feelings and is generally a gigantic faggot most of the time.
I think the way to beat depression is you have to go to a part of your brain that ignores valid thoughts and psych yourself into being almost illogical. That may sound like a cope but for all intents and purposes, you have to literally not buy into the nihilism and self-criticism all of the time, even if sometimes there's a lot pointing to it being true.
So my advice, my lad, is to be the way you are, unashamed and untroubled, or to strive to change and be better; but don't fucking pretend, because the act may fool others but it won't fool yourself.
^This as well.
I think something that might help is something small. If you're living with your parents, maybe learn to cook a dinner or help out around the house. Your relationship with them might be rocky but it can at least be one small way to get out of just playing videogames.
I think the best thing though is that you DO know now.
I'm not going to pull the ol' "If you know you're a piece of shit, it doesn't make you a piece of shit", but I will say I've met people in their FIFTIES that are still whiney bitches blaming every external source for why they didn't (and still actively choose not to) do what they want with their life. So I think it's still infintely better to deal with the growing pains of accepting yourself right now than never mature.
I'd say just appreciating the time you have is the major key. The big difference between a NEET and everyone else isn't employment status or money, it's how they're spending their time. If you have time, try hitting the gym 3 times a week, or start writing, or study up on different subjects. There's a lot you can do to fill time in the day. You don't have to be working fulltime or going to college, but just make sure you're using your time wisely (I say as I type paragraphs on KiwiFarms after midnight).
Refocus your bullshit. Stop trying to look for people to hang out with. Right now, you're in a wierd spot and you have to be priority. I get it, shit's lonely. Don't make the same mistake I did by chasing for that Disney ideal of having a group of friends. It's okay to be alone and focus on yourself so that you can be at your best for others. Once you know how your shit works, you'll be able to find a group of morons that you actually like being around.
Part of me wants to believe in this. But it's weird because depending on what country you're in, socializing IS a big part of your goals.
It sucks because in America, it's much less about meritocracy than I want it to be. I kind of love Japan and parts of Europe where your skills and craftsmanship are the main things people look for. I'm not trying to completely disagree.
I could be the greatest filmmaker ever, but if I'm a sperg that no one wants to work with and not spending college life actively doing weird shit that will get me cancelled five years from now, I don't know if I'll really be making waves.
Again, I understand where you're coming from. But I feel sometimes people in the "tradcon" side of things who say to avoid society and work completely on yourself forget that you still have to deal with society eventually.
Although I will agree actively trying to have your goal be "make friends/get laid" is exceptional and does not work at all. I made that mistake for way too long. I'm just saying with most goals you will have to at least be okay being around others.
Yesterday I got a phone call for a job in my current career path and I have an interview Monday. The caller seemed pretty excited as I've worked for three of the top companies in the city, so there's maybe a chance that he does hire me on. I am torn on that as I'm still banking on the millitary thing working out, but until I go through the hoops and get the offer it's not a guarantee. Maybe I should do the asshole thing and take the job while working on the millitary application process, then quit when I get the offer? That way I do have more spending money to cover bills, and the first 90 days are probationary anyways where you can quit at any time.
Of course, that assumes that the caller doesn't change his mind after the interview or go with a different candidate, which has happened a few times already.
Alas lads, I think I might have to give up my trip to see my family. And maybe stop talking to them altogether.
It's really goddamn painful. I'd give up a lot of things just to be able to have a decent, consistent relationship with my folks.
I just don't feel like playing russian roulette with anyone's BPD and narcissism anymore.
That and outside of family, I hit a rough patch recently when I gave people second(thousandth) chances I shouldn't have. I allowed myself to go back to shitty people for short-term goals and momentary catharsis. And while these people do have their great qualities and I sometimes miss some of the moments I had with them... they're objectively awful for me.
And that was no one's mistake but mine.
I just don't want to deal with abuse or drama or sophistry anymore. I'm kind of tired of feeling like I'm in a Safdie Brothers movie and I'm always having a panic attack.
A lot like an addiction, I was on a good streak but had a moment of weakness. I very extremely guilty for that. That's on top of the years of guilt I feel for dealing with cunts that didn't have my own self interest in mind.
I'd love to be able to say I was a victim and that I was dealing with machiavelian charmers, but that's a cope.
I'm not a whore so I should stop acting like I have a pimp to run back to.
I'm also going to have to be a different guy if I want to avoid drawing people like this towards me. I'm not saying I'm perfect or that I'm the worst... but there's a consistent theme here with the crowds I fall into and it's me. Some of it's going to come from being a little less toxic myself and some of it's going to come from being less retardedly naive and open.
I... really love my family. This feeling of longing and rejection is a stronger than anything else in my life. I can't imagine a life moving on, loving myself. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, but it's also the thing that will probably save me in the long run.
This isn't the same as usual for me. I'm not sad or really suicidal. It's just weird giving up on something you've been doing your entire life, completely changing into someone else and knowing that it's okay to do so.
I feel like I'm going to hit the highest peak of happiness in my entire life and it's going to come from completely rejecting the person I was before.
I had a meeting with my boss today. It was terrible, her expectations of me are totally different from what I signed up for, and I seriously don't think I'm going to meet them, because they're ridiculous. She definitely has it out for me. I'm going to lose this job sooner or later, I'm guessing the firing process will start sometime in late March or early April. I'm going back and forth between rage, stress/anxiety, and emptiness. I'm applying to other jobs like crazy now, but so far only one has an interview process going.
I wish I could figure out how to go independent but I'm too much of an autist to handle any of the social aspect of that. This kind of thing happened once before, too, when I was young and just starting out. I had to move back in with my parents for months while I tried to find something. I can't do that again, even though I know they wouldn't mind; I need to be self-sufficient, but it's just so hard to stay that way.
I wish I could figure out how to go independent but I'm too much of an autist to handle any of the social aspect of that. This kind of thing happened once before, too, when I was young and just starting out. I had to move back in with my parents for months while I tried to find something. I can't do that again, even though I know they wouldn't mind; I need to be self-sufficient, but it's just so hard to stay that way.
Is there any way you could have others who obviously are having issues with her bring it to higher management, or can you stand your ground at all? I just think it sets a bad precedent for a new boss who's obviously overworking everyone to essentially run a decent worker from their job if the former manager thinks she's in over her head.
Also, get that out of your mind about not moving in with your parents.
I don't understand the dichotomy going on with some people here.
If you CAN live your parents for a time, then absolutely do that. Especially right now with the economy. I would kill to be able to stay with my parents for a little while. If the help is there, take it. The fact you're wanting to be self-sufficient means you're not going to be the leech you think you are.
And I'm sorry if this sounds like a joke, but maybe trying another field might be best for you. Unless the money is fucking insane, I just don't see the point of being an office drone for a lot of people. I make okay money and I don't have to deal with half of that shit. I get you're a computer guy, but I've always found kitchens and labor jobs to be way more flexible than tech/office work.
Is there any way you could have others who obviously are having issues with her bring it to higher management, or can you stand your ground at all? I just think it sets a bad precedent for a new boss who's obviously overworking everyone to essentially run a decent worker from their job if the former manager thinks she's in over her head.
My colleague that she keeps shitting on too agrees with me, though she doesn't seem to be treating the rest of the team like this. I think maybe it's her way of driving out the more senior members, but not the most senior member (who literally built the codebase we use). We don't really have a way to go above her head because we don't ever really have the chance to interact with the people above her, so we don't know her. I can talk to my former manager, see if he has any advice, but it's not like he can override her or anything.
Maybe you're right, it just feels like if I do that, I've failed at life again, and frankly, I'm already a pretty big failure in the whole "social" aspect.
And I'm sorry if this sounds like a joke, but maybe trying another field might be best for you. Unless the money is fucking insane, I just don't see the point of being an office drone for a lot of people. I make okay money and I don't have to deal with half of that shit. I get you're a computer guy, but I've always found kitchens and labor jobs to be way more flexible than tech/office work.
What I think would be ideal for me is to change roles in the general field. Maybe not people management (I'm not a sociopath), but moving into one of the more advisory/high-level roles where I'm not implementing the solutions would be better for me, I think.
As for the money, I make over six figures and work remotely, which is something pretty important for me right now.
I got sick with something that had me praying for relief. I'm not religious. Doc strongly suggested I go to emergency room due to the severity/symptoms, but I'm not in the mood to max out my deductible just yet, so he gave me some antibiotics and told me to come back if it gets worse. So far, hasn't gotten worse, hoping it stays that way. I'm not in the mood for any potential butt violations.
In other news, hoping that my mental health is improving, as my inclination to indulge in artsy stuff again is growing. Although I don't want to rush it and make myself completely useless. One of my biggest barriers is the voice in the back of my head that says indulging in creative pursuits is a dumb endeavor, or that it's childish and a waste of time. It's very frustrating because I enjoy being creative, and I miss that feeling very much.
This is a vent. I need a (boxing) punching bag. My useless, worthless bitch of an ex/father of my children is the most pathetic, petty, pointless piece of shit I have ever encountered.
My schedule changed so that I work 2 hours later than before. But it's a pretty awkward time. I still wake up early, but I'm not used to doing anything before work so I've just been kinda wasting 2 hours each morning. I think I need to start one of those gay extended morning routines and start going for a run or some bullshit.
For some reason it's much much harder to get out of bed and go lately. When I was working 70hrs I was all go go go. Totally consumed by work. Now that I'm back to a cool 40, after my days off I'm like.... urghh..... I don't wanna.....
Had jaw surgery yesterday, currently recovering in hospital, AMA
You know, for someone who had half her skull chopped and rearranged less than 24 hours ago, and had issues with some of the medicine, I don't feel that bad. I got extremely lucky finding this surgeon, he's one of the nice, friendly ones that are getting harder to find nowadays.
Day's not getting better! What caused my comment last night started with a kid's car dying on a highway at 2 am, having to spend 2 hours to go get them home, couldn't get a tow at that hour. Today I set up a tow, tow can't find the car. I called the state patrol* and yep, towed at 5 am as a hazard, now at a city lot that will cost 350 cash to get out - if we get it today; it goes up from there. They are open 1 hour/day. Then I have to get it towed to a garage to see why it just stopped operating while in motion on a highway.
* yes, I should've done that last night. Stupid.
But another wrinkle now: to get it requires a notarized letter from my kid's dad, because he is the sole owner of the car (God forbid he even shares joint ownership with the kid). He is on the other side of the world, now presumably asleep, after reacting to the scenario (4 am my time, afternoon in his) with a literal "sorry that happened to [kid]," unwilling to lift a finger, and then telling me he "expects" [like I'm his literal child] me to cover the costs of repair for HIS car. He didn't even offer to try to arrange a tow himself. Won't even pick up a phone to help his child, because it might mean he has to pay a dollar - and plus, in his mind, I, like everyone else, should be running around doing as he decrees while he surveys his subjects from Mount Olympus. King of Fools.
I will do what is best for my kid. Assessing what that is. But I loathe this pathetic specimen of a man*. This is how he has always been. Cheap, petty, and willing to make his child suffer just to make a point to me (and to save a buck, always to save a buck; better still if he saves at my expense - that's his intersectional happy place). (He owes me deep in the 5 figures in unpaid child expense reimbursements, btw, and has for a decade. He also earns in the top 2% (now, not when I married him!), has expat tax treatment, and has no living expenses out of the country. His wine collection alone is worth at least 5x the value of this car in question. He also as of recently owns a home and car in the US with his SO, to whom he will probably leave everything when he dies, stiffing his kids, like his father did before him. This is a man who once demanded I reimburse him half of a $2 skate rental fee for a kid.)
*didn't even have a clue of a garage to take HIS car to. Useless.
It would really be nice if I hadn't married such a petty narcissist bitch. My extreme bad.
So, I'm a little distressed over the hassle of the tow, and who knows the cost of repair, etc., but I admit I'm also 25-years-triggered by his complete indifference about his kid and his miserliness. I also admit my chain is being effectively yanked by his expecting me to handle the logistics (for OUR kid, and HIS car), and unilaterally making it 100% my financial obligation - I can refuse, but that would mean my kid has no car. I have zero leverage unless I am prepared to do that. And I know my emotions around that old dynamic are being tweaked. Need to put that away and be rational.
So OK, I know I need to stop bitching and get on with the day. I'm ticked he's got me over a barrel, but other than pestering him for the notarized letter asap, I think I will just make my decisions in silence and not engage with him further.
Facing a cascade of unfortunate events, it's evident that your current predicament is both logistically challenging and emotionally taxing. Dealing with a broken-down car, towing woes, and an uncooperative co-parent adds layers of frustration.
Navigating such complexities demands a delicate balance between emotional response and pragmatic decision-making. Depending on the symetry of your face and the size of your tits of course impacts my actual interest in the in's and out's of your plight etc, that being said It's commendable that you're considering your child's well-being amid this turmoil. The logistical challenges, compounded by the financial burden placed solely on your shoulders, create a formidable situation.
In these moments, it might be beneficial to focus on the steps needed to resolve the immediate issues while keeping a long-term perspective. Your efforts to secure the necessary paperwork and make decisions with a degree of stoicism reflect a practical approach to a difficult situation. Remember, resilience often lies in finding solutions and maintaining composure amidst life's turbulent currents.
Depending on the symetry of your face and the size of your tits of course impacts my actual interest in the in's and out's of your plight etc, that being said It's commendable that you're considering your child's well-being amid this turmoil.
Facing a cascade of unfortunate events, it's evident that your current predicament is both logistically challenging and emotionally taxing. Dealing with a broken-down car, towing woes, and an uncooperative co-parent adds layers of frustration.
Navigating such complexities demands a delicate balance between emotional response and pragmatic decision-making. Depending on the symetry of your face and the size of your tits of course impacts my actual interest in the in's and out's of your plight etc, that being said It's commendable that you're considering your child's well-being amid this turmoil. The logistical challenges, compounded by the financial burden placed solely on your shoulders, create a formidable situation.
In these moments, it might be beneficial to focus on the steps needed to resolve the immediate issues while keeping a long-term perspective. Your efforts to secure the necessary paperwork and make decisions with a degree of stoicism reflect a practical approach to a difficult situation. Remember, resilience often lies in finding solutions and maintaining composure amidst life's turbulent currents.
And face and tits are all good, thanks, so you can feel free to have interest about the minute details of a mundane situation I apparently needed to broadcast.
