- Joined
- Feb 10, 2020
Yeah, you have to be the king of fingerbang. You have to memorize the choreography.
Are you lost needing femoid advice post here - For the poor bastard's who dare or are just curious
- Thread starter Justa Grata Honoria
- Start date
-
🐕 I am attempting to get the site runnning as fast as possible. If you are experiencing slow page load times, please report it.
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2022
Is it just or peculiar that I wish for an "equilibrium" in relationships? Not to get too close, but to be close.
I don't wish to date, I don't wish to become attached to someone. Infatuation is annoying and I'd rather do without it, I like to sleep thank you very much. I know for a fact that I have defective/undesirable traits for a long term romantic relationship with a partner and if I care for someone and love them, I'd rather them be happy, and I know that truth be told dealing with me for a long duration intimately would not grant such a thing. This is not in a cuckolded way, I don't get off on it. I'd rather be the fall guy that will listen you if you need to, will try to help when you want/need it and lend out a hand. To be the cog in the machine that keeps things going and people happy. Not to grow to care so deeply and strongly about someone only for it to die and end in a loveless mess that makes both parties wish they never even entered in the first place.
This is not say I don't want to have attractive traits perse. I want to look "decent"/presentable, I want to make people laugh and be happy and to have a good time but at the same time I get defensive and would much rather keep people at arms distance.
I don't wish to date, I don't wish to become attached to someone. Infatuation is annoying and I'd rather do without it, I like to sleep thank you very much. I know for a fact that I have defective/undesirable traits for a long term romantic relationship with a partner and if I care for someone and love them, I'd rather them be happy, and I know that truth be told dealing with me for a long duration intimately would not grant such a thing. This is not in a cuckolded way, I don't get off on it. I'd rather be the fall guy that will listen you if you need to, will try to help when you want/need it and lend out a hand. To be the cog in the machine that keeps things going and people happy. Not to grow to care so deeply and strongly about someone only for it to die and end in a loveless mess that makes both parties wish they never even entered in the first place.
This is not say I don't want to have attractive traits perse. I want to look "decent"/presentable, I want to make people laugh and be happy and to have a good time but at the same time I get defensive and would much rather keep people at arms distance.
- Joined
- Aug 28, 2019
You ever hear of schizotypal personality disorder? You might want to look into it.
I'm not even saying this to insult you. One of my best friends has it and what you just said sounds familiar.
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2020
I was thinking they sounded more self-loathing autistic than schizo, but I could be biased.
Weird assumption that having a crush means not sleeping.
"Defective traits" dude just say what the traits are if you want genuine advice. Are you violent, prone to outbursts? Bad at monogamy? Depressed and stinky? What kind of "undesirable" trait do you have that you think would destroy any potential relationship?
Another weird assumption that every relationship will end badly, but also...you don't want to have a romantic relationship on the off chance it ends? That's like saying you don't want to live because then you'll have to die.
You're describing being a good friend but being sad and alone inside. My guess just based on your post is you're afraid that if you let someone in, they would reject you and somehow prove you're unworthy of love. Thus you don't let anyone get close enough to you that their rejection could hurt, but that inhibits all your relationships. You really can't live like that, CAV. I know it's cliche but it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. You're basically in a big depression feedback loop. You really wanna live like that?
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2021
I was able to be social with people today and they found me pleasant so it's a start to rebuilding my lost confidence.
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2022
If there's any kiwis with particularly bad PMS or even PMDD:
Is there anything a spouse can do to help in any capacity?
Asking because my girlfriend and I have talked about it and neither her nor I know if there's anything I could do to help her manage it.
I don't want to just wait out the 5-7 day storm each month because it's draining for the both of us having to deal with her getting angry if not downright furious at the most insignificant of things.
Is there anything a spouse can do to help in any capacity?
Asking because my girlfriend and I have talked about it and neither her nor I know if there's anything I could do to help her manage it.
I don't want to just wait out the 5-7 day storm each month because it's draining for the both of us having to deal with her getting angry if not downright furious at the most insignificant of things.
- Joined
- Apr 8, 2021
My boyfriend just leaves me the fuck alone on my worst days. Granted my level of anger is likely not on the same level you experience, but I really don't think there is much else you can do.
It's a frustrating experience, you are angry, and you don't know why, which in turn makes you even more angry, so the slightest thing sets you off.
"Avoid her" is not great advice, I know. But, it's hormones, there isn't really a secret trick to changing that besides making yourself scarce for both of your sanity. I suppose there are different meds/BC that could be tried but I am not an expert in that field.
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2021
Not take it to heart, I guess? Sadly there's not much to do to make it go away, I think if you locked her in a room with no events and only positive stimulus around she'd still get assmad. When I was on BC it set me in permanent PMS so I was constantly in some inbetween of very mad and sad, so if she's on the pill she could change it around and see if it calms down.
I often wonder if this is why a lot of women make better grandmas than mothers- the scheduled rage time is over for good.
- Joined
- Jul 1, 2021
I'm not sure how common your situation is, but I relate what you're saying at least. I also have a disposition towards keeping to myself that gets in the way of forming more intimate relationships. I don't think it's wrong to stick with what's working for you, but I also think you're catastrophizing to some degree. You can have relationships without them devolving into emotional dumpster fires, but you have to pick your battles and know how to check out peacefully.
If you think you're not good enough for a long-term relationship, is that dyed in the wool or do you simply not want change? Being comfortable with yourself is great, but avoiding a chance for personal growth might shut doors you want to keep open later on in life. There's a lot of struggle that goes into changing yourself, but the reward of feeling more in control of your life is worth it in my opinion. It's nice to prioritize other people's happiness, but consider investing in your own from time to time.
I don't think it's worthwhile fretting too much about if your lifestyle is up to the norms. If you genuinely think this is your best path forward, no one can say otherwise. The only reason I'm giving these suggestions is because I used to think similarly, but at some point, I got tired of playing the side character in my own relationships. I'm not exactly winning the romance olympics, but it's still been a valuable life experience that is worth at least trying every now and then.
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2021
What I learned is to only give as much about yourself as your partner is willing to give. It sounds idiotic but it keeps a relationship steady and not over sharing and steadily revealing more and more can make the relationship worthwhile.
- Joined
- Dec 17, 2019
Have you tried hormonal birth control? I would suggest to try nexoplanon is very low on hormones very effective and is leave and forget. It made my period from raging blood rivers to dripping and pms from painful and raging to more mellow version of it where o just sleep extra for few days . Doesn't cost that much. Oh and made my periods from monthly to three to four times a year
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2022
No she's tried BC before but wasn't a fan because it kind of messed with her in other ways, but I'll look into that specific type with her next time we talk about it, thank you
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2022
This is more so derived from debates in my head if I ought to embrace it or not. Should I act in a more egoist approach? The prospects that it entails in relation to what I want to do (try my darndest to make the world a better place and not be a drain).
In this case, defective means autism. This, is generally speaking undesirable and I am prone to mood swings whilst also coming off as strange to others. I can't really fit in. I don't like the fact that I want to exist, I want to fix problems as is. I feel morally driven from this. Truth be told, I'd rather have a family and grow old and seeing the generations that I help raise prosper in such a regard but I know I'd be a shit father (again the 'tism). I don't know about being violent, prone to outbursts and being bad at monogamy. I don't want to be, if I was to date, be with and then marry someone I'd want them to feel special, loved and the most highest possible emotions. I'd want to be there to comfort them on their bad days, I wouldn't want to go all "aha I will fix all of your problems" because such a solution does not work. No, I'd just want to be there for them and hug them if they require it. Do chores and things to make them feel valued. I am probably depressed, I just have chosen to not go out of my way to going through diagnosis because I know I'd just blame myself for it: Further stating how defective I am. I can deal with stinky: I know how to use a shower.
More so a utility equation. I presume that I will not be good, or that if I am good then someone will be a better companion for someone. This is then extended to things like child rearing. Higher chance of the 'tism, I'd probably also be a bad father in this regard. It's not that I wouldn't care about them, I'd love them to death it's just that I wouldn't be able to properly care for them. The end of the relationship will likely be horrific and if I care for someone I would not wish to bring such harm to them. I'd want to cherish them, not make them cry into the night with a bottle of whine as shit falls apart. At times, I would rather be dead but I know as such would be a greater waste of resources thus I ought to do what's best for all. If I can make people laugh at least, that's good because then they get something for it. I wish I could just be a selfish peace of shit but I can't. There's an innate constraint within my own tismy brain.
Women are hella based, they're funny. They can create life.
What I want is irrelevant of what I ought to do. If it was so, then it would be irrespective of the wishes of others and what would be best for them. Being sad and alone to me means that others will be less sad and alone going off of the assumption that my deficiencies are so large that it means they have reduced utility. I do admit that I am not a utilitarian, but even still. I just want people to be happy, to have fun and they can if I am not there. Chances are they'll have more without me. There's something inside my mind which understands that it's better to have a good friend for 30 years than a lover for 3 (and seeing it all turn to shit). It's for this reason it's not due to rejection. I've came to terms and accepted that I'll be rejected.
I don't want to live like this. I completely and utterly despise every single thing about myself and how I am. But one must live with the cards that they are given. It is perhaps better to have loved and lost rather than to have never loved at all but simply put I would not wish to harm anyone if it can be avoided.
And yes, this type of thing which is why I hate infatuation. I purposely go out of my way to ensure that there is a steady state that would keep me as a friend at best. I would rather I fall for someone and it not be mutual than it be mutual and them be disappointed. This is then added by my self-destructive strategies which have caused me to purposefully ensure that I'm isolated from my peers on things like social media in order to keep myself detached such that there is no way in hell that I could harm them. I want them to be happy, and I know they can achieve this without me. I do not wish to roll the dice.
If you love someone, and care for them your duty ought to be ensuring their happiness, welfare and all associated things are maximised. It should not be for your own sake.
I thank you for saying this.
As I've stated, it's just that I don't want to bring harm upon others. I want to laugh, enjoy their company and sure they're in the same boat. To make each other better and more well off. It's just that I know I wouldn't be successful in such an endeavour.
I do hope y'all have a good day and I am grateful for those that have delt with my bullshit, and I am too grateful for others that have helped others with their own.
- Joined
- Jul 18, 2022
The problem is that you seem to be stuck in your head: you've already come to conclusions about how a partner would feel about you, about how unsuccessful you'd be as a partner and father, and you keep negatively reinforcing these beliefs to yourself.
You should try cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). It can help with your confidence, as it teaches you to stop mentally shitting on yourself.
There's some examples of how CBT works here.
- Joined
- Feb 10, 2020
Called it. That explains the...everything. You're overthinking, catastrophizing, and being really robotic about human relationships. You're assuming outcomes before the situations even have a chance to happen. Suspended Animation has a point, you should try CBT. If nothing else at least stop acting like you're this plague unto your friends for existing and being weird. Even if it's "harm" to subject them to your existence, they can take it. They're your friends, that's what friends do.
I'm autistic too, CAV. I've been exactly where you are, and I can tell you first hand that you're probably not as poorly off as you think you are. You might have bad days, you might not be the most high functioning, but I've seen straight-up tards find love and get married. If some of those folks can do it, you can do it too. The path you follow is the one you choose to follow, if you want something out of your life you have to work for it, no matter how disadvantaged you start out. You can find love, and you can end up with a happy family and children and grandkids and the whole nine yards, but you gotta put your back into it. It won't be easy but if it's worth it to you, you are completely capable of pursuing that. I believe it. You gotta believe it too.
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2021
If I get a muscle car that is very loud shall it attract a mate? Regardless of the answer I shall have one and I will go vroom vroom fast.
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2023
Bloody hell yeah lad I'd love to be mates with you if you let me drive it. I'll even chip in for gas. What model?
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2021
I’m thinking of a modern day 2016-2024 Camaro v8, something that’s technologically current but also pretty fast. I don’t know how to drive manual so I need to be taught that.
- Joined
- Jan 5, 2023
Do they even offer that in manual? Prolly just the older model years right? But if they still do that's based.
Driving stick is fun, you'll like it. Best thing about driving in europoorland is that you get taught stick in driving school.
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2021
They still offer the modern vehicles in manual but you pay an extra 1,000 dollars to get the upgrade to automatic.
I was being taught stick but the car broke so I never fully learned how to.