TIFU reading my friends journal and I can't see her the same way
M
There's no easy to way to say this. I (23M) was at my friend's (27F) house working on a project together, we've been close friends for around a year and a half and go to graduate school together. We are super close, I always felt that there was a spark between us. We went out together for a few weeks unofficially when we first met but she then pretended like she wasn't into me after she met another dude while we were out together. I know we had something, once she met him and they hit it off she grew distant and then when asked denied ever being interested but I knew she just decided to go after someone better. (She was inviting me over to her place, cooking dinner with me, dancing with me, hanging out one on one, being super physical and flirty, I know it when I see it). I decided to move on since she was going after another dude, so I pursued other people, but we stayed good friends. After I moved on she continued to be relentlessly flirty and touchy but I looked past the confusing behavior and just enjoyed the friendship. We work really well together, and I've been able to help with a lot of her projects in the past.
Anyways, So I was at her house this week working on a project in the living room, she goes to the restroom and I notice a brown journal on the coffee table that says "Gals burn book" marked with a heart (she lives with 3 other women, I think the fact that it was out in the open means it was a collective project). She went to the restroom for a few minutes and I couldn't resist taking a peek inside, it was right out in the open so close to me and the heart made me curious about what was in it. (I know it is shitty of me to look at the journal, I can't excuse it.) What I saw inside took me by shock. In it were dozens of names of nearly all the men in the small graduate program we attend.
They were grouped into "Factions""Pray Faction", "Prey Faction" "Big Dummy Faction" "Predator Faction", and "Villain", among other categories. My name was listed under "Prey Faction" like this: Firstname Lastname (executed)
Immediately after my name was the name of another guy I know:
Firstname Lastname (successor)
I was stunned.
I've been racking my brains trying to figure out what this means, of course I can't ask her about it because I was in the wrong for peeking. But maybe it makes sense of my confusing experience with her when we met. She has a catalog of dozens of men, I was one of her "prey" to "execute" Somebody she could lead on but not take seriously. The "Pray Faction" was all Christian Guys, the "Big Dummy Faction" was jock type dudes, and the "Predator Faction" was mostly guys who would be considered "Alpha", very confident and assertive.I'm not sure what to make of this. I feel embarrassed to be categorized with the "Prey", as though I'm just one of dozens of weak and friendly men. I also think it's strange that she and her friends are doing this kind of thing in their late 20s? You'd think this would be outgrown in middle school. I know I was wrong to peek in the journal. But am I wrong to feel sort of dehumanized by being on the list as somebody she "executed"? It's pretty brutal.
I feel shitty for looking through the journal, just because its on the coffee table doesn't mean I have the right to look. But for the life of me, her feelings toward me never made a whit of sense and I wanted answers.
TL;DR: I looked through my friend's journal of men and discovered I was "prey." Makes me question our friendship and if it was ever real.
