Hey Everyone. I know I'll probably get some flack for this, but i hate myself as much as you hate me so yeah.TW: Mentions of suicide and self harm. Also Gender Dysphoria
I'm a 20M in college (pre law). Before December of last year, i had never even held hands with a woman. The fact I was chronically single destroyed my mental health to the point where i was attempting suicide every other week, and lost half of my ring finger due to gangrene brought on by blood loss. My rock ended up being my best friend, Who I'll call C. C is a trans woman. She has had extremely bad gender dysphoria all her life, and has attempted suicide in the past due to being forced to boy mode. Anyway, we met over a reddit post (least unlikely place I'd find my first but ok) and became fast friends. Anyway, last year I ended up making a joke about me picking her up. This turned her on and she ended up asking me out, which i accepted. We've been dating for a year now and I've fallen madly in love with her. She's smart, kind, funny, plays games, looks past my obesity (I'm 300, losing weight and down from 320. I was 280/275 before working out, so I think its muscle mass gain) and is overall perfect. The feeling is mutual with her, saying I'm her dream man and she's been waiting all her life for me.
Fast forward to when we finally meet. I've seen her face before and it was love at first sight. She was pretty, although had on heavy makeup (which i don't like but ik she loves), and i could see how hormones were changing her. Anyway, we ended up in her bedroom, and after a few minutes started getting to it. She was my first hands, my first kiss, my first...you get the idea. But anway, she took her pants off eventually and started to move twords having Pen. Sex. At this point i saw her lowerbody and...lost all attractoin. I went soft and just felt repulsed. She noticed this and asked why I went soft. I simply just chalked it up to nerves, which she said was cute. I ended up finishing her off with my hands and we cuddled and went to bed. Now I'm in the bathroom and I have no idea what to do. I love her with every fiber of my being. But I'm sexually repusled by male genetalia, and seeing her pre-op just....ruined all sexual attractoin to her. I have no idea what to do. I want to stay with her, but I know i'll probalby never be able to have sex with her because of this, at least until she gets surgery. Not only that, but it reminded me that she'll never be able to have my children. And I know most of you are gonna scream adoption, but I want to raise my own kids you know? Call me selfish, but the thought of raising someone else's kids makes me feel like I've failed as a man, as a person. I'll probably get called transphobic, but I'm anything but. She's a woman, plain and simple. Always has been, always will be. I just...idk. Part of me wants to stay with her and just force myself to have sex with her. Maybe I'll grow attraction to her? Maybe HRT (she's been on it for 4 months) Will make her attractive to me in a few years, along with ffs and the other surgeries she wants? I just don't know what to do.
Edit: I can't believe I have to say this but y'all forced my hand. SHE'S. A. FUCKING. WOMAN. If you don't believe that, you are apart of the problem and are ruining this country.
Edit 2: To the people who accept her and aren't being transphobic. Thank you. You're the kind of people we need.To the people who don't accept her but still are ok with her and treat her like a woman: I apologzie for the rude comments. While I fundamentally am against you're thinking, i respect and appreciate that you want her to live her life and be happy, and i apologize for any negativity.To the transphobes and people who say she's a man: Fuck you
FINAL EDIT: Thanks for the support and suggestions. While there are a few transphobes and homophobes here, most comments were supportive and i appreciate that. The reason I reacted so terribly is because I feel like the whole "accept them but don't agree with them" is why trans women feel so unsafe in the modern world. I almost got into a fight going out with her because this guy wouldn't stop harassing her after she went out of the woman's bathroom. But most of you do want her to be happy and live her life so i appreciate that. While responding here I had a heartfelt conversation. When i told her this she was a little hurt (obviously i softened the blow) but she said she doesn't blame me, all this means is i'm not gay and don't like dick, which she said was a relief. She hates it too, and she said in a weird way it makes her feel more feminine knowing i prefer her ass over her genitals. Idk lol. In any case, she said she's going to do her best to hide it from me during sex, change positions, etc. and just use her vibrator on it to help get her going. So yeah, I'm going to go have sex lol. I'll ttyl
P.S. to the people who are actually transphobic. I hope you learn to remove the hate in your heart and learn to love the world. Trans people just want to be left the hell alone. You don't have to agree with it, just treat them like women, talk to them like women, etc. Just accept them and they won't bother you.
