I was raised in a patriarchal cult. I had no purpose on earth to my parents other than to be a teen bride to a man whose house I would keep and children I would bear. They gave me no skills or support to do anything other than this, and mocked me for having dreams of being a lawyer, veterinarian, or owning a business. I never wanted to do what they expected of me, actively rebelled against it, and was punished routinely with extreme physical, mental, and emotional abuse. I could be quoted as early as 5 years old saying “I'm never getting married or having children,” and my feelings on those issues haven't changed much to this day. I ran away at 17, but had absolutely no idea how to live outside the cult. My family disowned me once I left. I found myself living with a 36 year old man- my first boyfriend.
I couldn't know it at the time, but this was the beginning of a dysfunctional pattern of serial monogamy. I had left the cult, I realised I could now do anything I wanted, but I had no idea or support in how to do what I wanted, or even what I should really truly want at all. Even though I rejected the idea of getting married and being a domestic servant, I was unable to picture myself happy and functional without a man in my life. (Cult programming) I just kept trying to find one I wanted to keep. This came repeatedly at my expense, as I continually attracted low value, predatory man-children that always ended up being a massive drain on my finances and seemingly were active in being obstacles to progress.
Example: While living with a man,I figured out how to get financial aid, enrolled myself in community college, was working full time. He decided to quit his job and I was then responsible for keeping us from being homeless, in breach of our lease, and all bills. He decided to become an alcoholic rapper(LOL. HE WAS WHITE.) I ended up quitting college and then had to figure out how to get rid of him, and earn enough money to move out on my own all while footing all the bills. I actually slept in my car for a month between leases.
Eventually, I did find a man I wanted to keep. If soulmates exist, this was the one. I had never been happier. We had about a year of joy together before he sustained a significant back injury. Neither of us had stable careers, life insurance, or families with money. We had to rely upon L&I through the job we both worked to get him treatment and surgery. I ended up in a position of being the sole breadwinner yet again, because he physically could not work. We were at the mercy of workers comp who continually denied him the surgery he needed for 4 years. I was afraid to quit the trash job I had for fear our boss would start being an obstacle to his treatment. This boss also paid me under the table, refused to put me on the books, did shit like make me pick up his kid from school, propositioned me sexually more than once, and paid me so little that when he offered to let us live in one of HIS rental properties, I had to take it because it was all I could afford. I had a mental breakdown during this period between working a dead end job with no end in sight and the man I loved gradually disappearing due to being in chronic pain, physically disabled, and unable to live any real quality of life.
So, when yet another man offered me an escape.. I unfortunately took it. He was Canadian. He said if I came to Canada, he'd marry me, get me citizenship, and pay for me to go back to college. I really thought this was my chance to start over.
Naturally.. He delivered on none of those promises. He refused to do his side of the paperwork to sponsor me for Canadian citizenship and kept me trapped in his house as a domestic servant and illegal alien for four long years.
I only escaped this finally in late 2023, unfortunately by way of yet another man I met on the internet. I'm sorry to report that he is also of low value and unlikely to build a life with me that's worth living.
I finally get it. I understand that no one but me is ever going to look after my interests and help me succeed. My greatest wish is to have a career, health insurance, a 401k, and never to look to a man to take care of me ever again. I wish I would have understood this sooner. Men will ruin your life if you let them.
Don't be me.
bc we are shrill humorless harpies, but I’ve anecdotally observed that they really don’t like it when women tease them the same way, about the same things. Being close enough with someone to know what is and isn’t a funny thing to tease them about is why people use “insults” as bonding. The males I am friends with are (amusingly, given how often this critique is leveled at women) ones that can take and appreciate a joke at their expense, and when a joke is made at my expense it’s something actually related to knowing me as a person, not “hurr durr sammich wimmin can’t drive”. How about that?
