I’m younger than you, but ive had a similar experience. I feel so stuck. Sorry for the long comment.
I started socially transitioning when i was 19, right when i was about to start Uni. This meant i was out, presenting as a guy and introduced myself with my chosen name, but i was pre-T. In the past, before i realized i was trans, i would often pass but once puberty hit, and i was in an enviorment with mainly adults, it didn’t work anymore.
I had a really hard time. People had a hard time figuring me out, and i very quickly realized that everyone was making friends, apart from me. My lab partner just could not call me he or him, even though i kept correcting her. And once a professor called out my deadname in front of the whole class, people started using that instead of the name i had introduced myself with. When it came time for exams, my deadname was in big bold letters on the computer screens.
At the start of the year, everyone went on a trip (uni tradition) where people ended up creating boys rooms and girls rooms. I only had one person i really talked to, a girl, who very kindly just pulled me with her into one of the “guys bedrooms” saying “i’ll be the odd one out in here, don’t worry about it”. I ended up going home early. I was riddled with dysphoria, i couldn’t use the showers since they were open and segregated by gender, and thank god i did, because the next day they split people into guys and girls, and one of the guys activities was to pull down their pants and sing “be a man” from mulan.
I ended up dropping out. Not because of the material (BA in chemistry) but because i just felt so isolated. My girlfriend at the time was also incredibly bad for me, which didn’t help. I ended up on T the year after, snd started a degree in a creative field. Now it’s done and i regret it so much. I wish i had been able to transition and life could wait for me. I feel like i’m just now figuring myself out at 24, having been on T for 4 years and 2 years post top surgery. Top surgery really changed me for the better, but now i feel like all my choices have beeb made by a person who isn’t me. It’s strange.
Transitioning might help you with this feeling. You’ve started life a few steps behind, and there’s nothing wrong with starting to become yourself now. It’s not too late, and you are also allowrd to wait longer, while you’re starting your transition. I wish i had given myself more time to just exist while transitioning. You’ll be okay my guy.
tee hee
