Official Kiwifarms Uplifting Each Other Thread - Support group for women

[Bojack Horsekin]

Good thread, thank you ladies. This is the wholesome content I like to see in between marveling at the antics of insane trannies (which is down to one these days, I really need to take up new cows).

Spoiler: PL vent

I just got dumped and feel like shit, I don't have anyone to lean on really, I'm in the middle of slowly moving out, and both of my parents' minds are deteriorating. With one there's no love lost so it doesn't hurt, it's just stressful to navigate day to day dementia patient life, though lately they've gotten violent and it's terrifying. With the other, things are worse than they used to be, I'm ready to drop them on the front steps of the loony bin and be done with it.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I've been screwing up at work a lot. Yet I miraculously did not get fired. Good overall performance compared to unfathomably stupid coworkers, I guess. I'm so alone, all I want to do is take up weed and watch funny shit with my pets when I'm not at work. Is that self-care enough? Journaling and walks and tea aren't going to help me right now. I have a long wait to talk to my professional mental health person too. Of all the times.

 

[Chromeo]

Good thread, thank you ladies. This is the wholesome content I like to see in between marveling at the antics of insane trannies (which is down to one these days, I really need to take up new cows).

Spoiler: PL vent

I just got dumped and feel like shit, I don't have anyone to lean on really, I'm in the middle of slowly moving out, and both of my parents' minds are deteriorating. With one there's no love lost so it doesn't hurt, it's just stressful to navigate day to day dementia patient life, though lately they've gotten violent and it's terrifying. With the other, things are worse than they used to be, I'm ready to drop them on the front steps of the loony bin and be done with it.

I can't sleep, I can't eat, I've been screwing up at work a lot. Yet I miraculously did not get fired. Good overall performance compared to unfathomably stupid coworkers, I guess. I'm so alone, all I want to do is take up weed and watch funny shit with my pets when I'm not at work. Is that self-care enough? Journaling and walks and tea aren't going to help me right now. I have a long wait to talk to my professional mental health person too. Of all the times.

Dementia is so hard to deal with. My grandmother passed a few years ago but not before suddenly taking a HUGE nosedive in her mental faculties. Sundowning is real and scary, and it's a lot to ask of anyone to deal with. You could always look at long-term care facilities, hospice care, caregivers, etc. They're professionals and have resources us common people don't, and it doesn't have to be an "ugh I'm a bad person I'm throwing my parents in a home" thing.

Regardless, don't worry about if what you do to unwind is "enough." Some people like hot tea and journaling, but that's not for everyone. If it's helping you not go insane, it's enough. You don't need to justify your internal processes to external observers.

 

[Mayhem]

I'm so alone, all I want to do is take up weed and watch funny shit with my pets when I'm not at work. Is that self-care enough? Journaling and walks and tea aren't going to help me right now. I have a long wait to talk to my professional mental health person too. Of all the times.

Smoke all the weed you want, watch all the funny things you can, cuddle with the animals that love you. That's my preferred form of self-care.

 

[Inside your walls]

This might sound a strange advice but, something I want really to want to say to the girlies (but this could be also applied to everyone else too)

Please do not be discouraged from sincerely enjoying things that would be considered "cringe", "weird" or unpopular.
I think there's more virtue in being sincere about loving something and being honest about your interests rather
than being an irony poisoned nitwit that can't enjoy something without clarifying they do like something "ironically".

 

[NoReturn]

They're professionals and have resources us common people don't, and it doesn't have to be an "ugh I'm a bad person I'm throwing my parents in a home" thing.

To be frank, I'm more judgmental of the people who say that sort of thing than anything else.
Unless you're throwing your parent into a inner-city detention center run by feral chimpanzees, even a "cheap" home is going to have people with more experience and more resources than you do.

 

[isalaide]

To be frank, I'm more judgmental of the people who say that sort of thing than anything else.
Unless you're throwing your parent into a inner-city detention center run by feral chimpanzees, even a "cheap" home is going to have people with more experience and more resources than you do.

Yes, because at the most basic level, it has staff available 24 hours a day. You can't care for someone 24 hours a day by yourself. You need to sleep. It's okay to only do what you can safely and consistently manage to care for someone else longterm. You are not required to martyr yourself on the altar of someone else's care needs. And that expectation only ever gets pointed at women, and it needs to be gently but firmly refuted.

You do all you can, and someone else - paid or otherwise - needs to do the rest.

 

[Bojack Horsekin]

Yes, because at the most basic level, it has staff available 24 hours a day. You can't care for someone 24 hours a day by yourself. You need to sleep. It's okay to only do what you can safely and consistently manage to care for someone else longterm. You are not required to martyr yourself on the altar of someone else's care needs. And that expectation only ever gets pointed at women, and it needs to be gently but firmly refuted.

You do all you can, and someone else - paid or otherwise - needs to do the rest.

I want to print this on a poster and shove it toward the parent who's literally killing themself being the fulltime caretaker of the other (who was an abusive pos and doesn't deserve it imo). I feel validated seeing someone who's not me saying so.

Thank you bros

 

[SphinxItOver]

*snip*

I needed that laugh so hard you have no idea. It was the best unexpected response.

Is the sibling helpful?

The sibling is trying but they're also recovering slower than myself from childhood issues. Finally been able to vent to some friends in person that know the history and that REALLY helped a lot.

*snip*

Every point you were talking about from the arguments, to doing it alone, the guilt, just hits so hard with that frustration I was feeling super hard all at once most of the weekend. Trying to do right by people that fight you the entire way.

I want to print this on a poster and shove it toward the parent who's literally killing themself being the fulltime caretaker of the other (who was an abusive pos and doesn't deserve it imo). I feel validated seeing someone who's not me saying so.

Absolutely valid. Sometimes I sit here wondering why I struggle so hard to keep the people that stuck their own parents in assisted care out of assisted care simply because they demand it. Money, time, and mental health wise it's just more logical to get assisted living but then you deal with biter anger from those people that want to stay out of it. It's really hard convincing yourself you did the right thing when everybody wants to make you the bad guy.

 

[Otterly]

To be frank, I'm more judgmental of the people who say that sort of thing than anything else.
Unless you're throwing your parent into an inner-city detention center run by feral chimpanzees, even a "cheap" home is going to have people with more experience and more resources than you do.

You do what you can. Someone who just needs someone around to keep an eye on them, shopping done, bit of cleaning, checking in most days, you can do that. I guess the ‘personal and social care’ level of things.
You cannot do nursing level care yourself alone. If someone needs actual nursing home level of care then you can’t do that by yourself. Maybe you can get by with family doing shifts or maybe even that’s too much. You can also get live in nursing support but few people can afford that either.
The years where you’re working, have kids at home and are caring for elders too are tough. Do what you can, but you cannot deal with anyone who needs lifting past your strength, medical level care, or is violent or agitated.

How to be less of a pushover

Good advice.
I’ll add mine. Never JADE.
Justify, Apologise, Defend or Explain.
The second you start doing any of those things you’re on the back foot. That casts you in others eyes as being wrong, regardless of if you are wrong or right. So don’t do any of them.
Always apologise if you’re wrong, but DO NOT do it otherwise. Don’t start going off about ‘oh I am sorry I’d love to but…’ you just say no. It’s ok to say no. I started doing this at work
‘OK so you want to have x done by y? My team is fully allocated, we have this list of priorities - which can be delayed or cancelled to accommodate your request?’

Another good one is never say BUT. All the truth of a sentence is after the BUT.
‘I love you, BUt….’ All they hear is the second part. Try ‘at the same time…..’ instead.

 

[Varsha Nagini]

For the first time in a long time I'm going to have a few days of not working, tending animals, a partner, kids, or friends and get to be in a cool city on my own with a little spending money, not a king's ransom but enough*, outside of a little sightseeing I'm now absolutely lost at the prospect of free time in a new place on my own, even strangely frightened (not from the travel aspect, work used to have me travel once a month anyway) - and I don't know why. Am I an empty person? I'm a bit bewildered on what I'll do with myself and almost cancelled the 'me time' and don't really know what to do with myself, any advice?

 

[JambledUpWords]

For the first time in a long time I'm going to have a few days of not working, tending animals, a partner, kids, or friends and get to be in a cool city on my own with a little spending money, not a king's ransom but enough*, outside of a little sightseeing I'm now absolutely lost at the prospect of free time in a new place on my own, even strangely frightened (not from the travel aspect, work used to have me travel once a month anyway) - and I don't know why. Am I an empty person? I'm a bit bewildered on what I'll do with myself and almost cancelled the 'me time' and don't really know what to do with myself, any advice?

Have any bucket list items or anything you’ve been wanting to try, but haven’t had the time to do so?

Aside from that, I don’t know what particular city you’re staying in, but here’s some general things about cities that can be fun:

• Looking at public art can be a fun experience, and it isn’t hard to find cool murals or statues in cities
• Look for museums to visit. Cities are really good for museums
• If there’s any type of food a city is known for, look into trying it in some form
• It can be pretty easy to find lots of variety with live music in a city, and don’t think you need to pay for a concert to see it. Some restaurants have live music, and some places have street performers
• Public parks are free and an easy way to experience nature within a city
• Historical landmarks are fun to visit, and you can look up where to find some
• If you’re into movies/tv, you can look up actual filming locations of iconic movie/tv scenes for a cool experience

 

[NoReturn]

Am I an empty person? I'm a bit bewildered on what I'll do with myself and almost cancelled the 'me time' and don't really know what to do with myself, any advice?

If the area is near nature, go spend time in it. The new sounds and sights and smells will make your brain tingle.

 

[Otterly]

Am I an empty person? I'm a bit bewildered on what I'll do with myself

No it’s something that just happens when your life revolves around family, kids and work. You get some free time and feel vaguely guilty about it and like you should be doing other stuff. Good advice in the previous posts. Mine would be to pick a few things you like the idea of, maybe a thing to see, a thing to bring home (if the place is famous for its pottery or wood carving or chocs or something) and also to find a nice cafe and just sit there for a bit and watch the world go by. Don’t overtax yourself, allow yourself to relax a bit

 

[Turkroach Couple]

Eat steel-cut oats

 

[Emo Supremo]

You do what you can. Someone who just needs someone around to keep an eye on them, shopping done, bit of cleaning, checking in most days, you can do that. I guess the ‘personal and social care’ level of things.
You cannot do nursing level care yourself alone. If someone needs actual nursing home level of care then you can’t do that by yourself. Maybe you can get by with family doing shifts or maybe even that’s too much. You can also get live in nursing support but few people can afford that either.
The years where you’re working, have kids at home and are caring for elders too are tough. Do what you can, but you cannot deal with anyone who needs lifting past your strength, medical level care, or is violent or agitated.

this, a billion times over. i've worked for a client who was right at the very beginning of end stage dementia, and putting his completely fucking unhinged cunt of a wife aside, it's not for the faint of heart. taking care of someone with dementia is extremely taxing on a physical, mental, emotional, and existential level, even if they're a mellow sweetheart who doesn't experience sundowners, mood swings, and/or moments of clarity where they suddenly remember they're falling apart. that's why the ideal situation for advanced cases is transferring them into a facility with at least the bare minimum of licensed professionals who were trained to help grandma when she thinks her reflection is an intruder every time she passes by a mirror.

basically what i'm getting at is this: if the average person wouldn't be able to handle caring for, say, chronic liver failure, why should they be expected to manage someone whose brain is literally rotting without any outside help? you are one person. you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and it sounds like you're long overdue for a break.

 

[fake farts]

This might sound a strange advice but, something I want really to want to say to the girlies (but this could be also applied to everyone else too)

Please do not be discouraged from sincerely enjoying things that would be considered "cringe", "weird" or unpopular.
I think there's more virtue in being sincere about loving something and being honest about your interests rather
than being an irony poisoned nitwit that can't enjoy something without clarifying they do like something "ironically".

Adding onto this, enjoy what you like and don't bother listening or reading outrage farming bullshit. All of those people - journoscums trying to save their shitty clickbait ad-space "news" sites, and the youtube retards who are also expecting you to give them ad money, are all absolute bottom feeders. Stop listening to these fucking faggots and either A.) watch something and form your own opinion instead of letting some retarded grifter tell you what to think or B.) fucking ignore shit. And I mean genuinely ignore it, not "I'm totally gonna ignore it bro, then I'm gonna shit up every thread about the topic when I haven't even seen it." Move the fuck on with your life.

I can tell you one thing, life is way too fucking short to not actually give something you might enjoy a shot, and enjoying it freely and without Internet-poisoned irony. Life is way too short to spend it wasting away online, squealing like a ragepig about the same garbage over and over and over and over. Some midwit with a soyjak may spout a tired "consoom" meme, but so fucking what. They're so retarded they have to use wojaks.

 

[SphinxItOver]

This may be helpful for others: 2 day break from internet, phone, and in personal social interactions. No Pavlovian triggers to alerts, ringers, or draining emotional labor. Was fucking amazing for mental health. Which is obvious in hindsight but not so much when stuck in the shit.

Finally caught up on sleep and got back the energy that was constantly oozing out. Doing hobbies in the heat was enjoyable despite the sweating. Even had some dumb childish freezer pops after mowing as a treat.

There's a welcomed light at the end of the tunnel. Be it sky or a train in this moment I am content.

 

[NoReturn]

basically what i'm getting at is this: if the average person wouldn't be able to handle caring for, say, chronic liver failure, why should they be expected to manage someone whose brain is literally rotting without any outside help? you are one person. you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and it sounds like you're long overdue for a break.

I know this is going to sound completely heartless to some people, but think of the welfare of future-you when making decisions about caring for others. Don't just put your current self first, put your future-self first as well.
Remember and internalize the fact that there may come a time when 90-year-old you is all alone without someone like current-you to take care of her. Who is looking out for her? Who is prioritizing her needs? If you don't do it now, who will do it then?

This may be helpful for others: 2 day break from internet, phone, and in personal social interactions. No Pavlovian triggers to alerts, ringers, or draining emotional labor. Was fucking amazing for mental health. Which is obvious in hindsight but not so much when stuck in the shit.

You can also set up your phone to be mute all the time and only go off if someone calls twice in a row, iirc.

 

[Emo Supremo]

I know this is going to sound completely heartless to some people, but think of the welfare of future-you when making decisions about caring for others. Don't just put your current self first, put your future-self first as well.
Remember and internalize the fact that there may come a time when 90-year-old you is all alone without someone like current-you to take care of her. Who is looking out for her? Who is prioritizing her needs? If you don't do it now, who will do it then?

i don't think it's heartless at all -- if anything it should be common sense, but a lot of us are taught to be martyrs, overextending ourselves until we inevitably snap and have a breakdown, which is usually when we're "allowed" to take a break (but only up to a point because then we're just being lazy).

otherwise? the more stressed and unhappy we are, the more noble we seem for ignoring our own needs, and it's complete bullshit. imagine applauding an ambulance driver for trying to work with a flat tire, an overheating engine, and less than fifty miles worth of gas in the tank. we don't do that for a reason. remember: you can't help anyone unless you help yourself first. i wish there was a way to drill this into everyone's heads because i'm so fucking sick of watching self-destructive behaviour being touted as anything but, especially when it comes to women in caretaker positions.

 

[NoReturn]

i don't think it's heartless at all -- if anything it should be common sense, but a lot of us are taught to be martyrs, overextending ourselves until we inevitably snap and have a breakdown, which is usually when we're "allowed" to take a break (but only up to a point because then we're just being lazy).

Yeah. I think I've just spent so much time around the kind of people who encourage that bucket-crab-y behavior that I'm preemptively prickly about it.
I thought it was normal when I was younger, but it's revelation when you finally get the opportunity to be around people who don't live like that. The weight off your shoulders knowing that someone you care about is keeping themselves safe and you won't randomly be called upon to take care of them on a regular basis is immense.